Gabbys Words

Nothingness.

2012-02-09T22:22:00.002-07:00

(Some of my friends and me with our Pastors wife at a Church meeting in Tucson the end of December)

I really don't have much to say tonight. Mainly because I'm completely exhausted. I think the swim lessons wear me out more than they do him! :) I could probably pull out something to rant on about but instead I will just say that I'm still here. And this is my attempt to not fall back out of my bloggy world. Even if all I post is a random picture. Though, I do really like it! I did find out today that I have gained weight! Which is good. It was just a lot rather quickly, so I'm a little skeptical that it won't last. . . Or a lot. I also got the urge to get back on the elliptical today. I was doing awesome Nov/Dec for some time before I fell and injured my knee ice skating. I could do about 15 minutes back then. Which was up for my starting 5. Well today. Uh. I wasn't even close. I felt horrible. I need to get back in shape desperately! I think I will go ice skating tomorrow, now that my knee is healed! :P

Hinds' Feet in High Places.

2012-02-07T21:28:00.000-07:00

I just finished this book, Hinds' Feet in High Places By Hannah Hurnard. It was one of the best books I've ever read! It's about the journey to high places and everything we have to go through to get there. It puts so much of life into perspective, at least it did for me. It helped me understand the importance of going through the valleys of life. And all the different alters we need to build. It really made me understand the role the Pastor plays in ones life and how important a relationship with him and his wife is. Everyone has been telling me this and I really didn't understand it until I read this book. There was so much in there that I struggle with on a daily basis. Most everything in there I have struggled with at some point. God knows we aren't perfect. If we were we would be HIM. HE knows we will fall. HE even expects it. HE just wants us to call on HIM when we do. HE will come. There is no where we can fall, nothing we can do that HE can't reach down and pick us back up again. It was just a purely awesome book. And written in such a way that made it interesting to read. I could completely replay the book right here, but I think you should read it for yourself. I highly highly recommend it!

I've discovered a love for Twizzlers. The Strawberry kind of course. I found some that are 16in long!! Yummy yummy. I Have just sat and ate them any time I sit near them lately. Just finished the last one. Bummer too. They were tasty. Even the cat thought so. He tore the bag open when I left it for like 2 seconds the other day.

I need prayer. I've been struggling a lot lately. While that book did help tremendously, it only helped me understand the struggles and why I have to go through them. It didn't take them away. It's been a long couple of days. Like the kind of long where you take a shower just to have a moment by yourself to gather your thoughts and pray, by the end of it you are actually in a pretty good mood but as soon as you step out of the shower you slip of the freezing cold floor and reality all comes crashing back down with you. It's like from the second I open my eyes every morning I'm in the middle of a gruesome battle. Which I'm just in that valley right now, I'll get through it. It is just taking it's toll on me. Not sleeping much isn't helping either. I got 4 hours Sunday night and that was double or more what I had gotten for over 10 days straight. Last night I had no such luck. But again, just part of the valley.

I started swim lessons with the 3 year old today. I'm really not sure who it wears out more. But, nonetheless it was fun and will be a good bonding experience. And hey who doesn't love a free visit to the hot tub? :)

Find Me Again.

2012-02-03T18:11:00.000-07:00

Posting 2 days in a row. Wow wow wow. Odd for me lately. But I'm so ready for new patterns, so maybe its a good thing. I've been in a rough patch lately. It's been hard on my. Wearing me down completely. I feel like a failure. I suppose maybe because I am. I fail every day. But this, this was different. But I will get through it by the power of Jesus name. I just need everyone to not give up on me. Because if anyone else jumps ship, I won't be able to do this. All I need is God. But, God made Adam because HE was lonely. God made Eve because Adam was lonely. We need each other. God knows that. That is how God designed us. In the image of HIM And through HIM alone can I make it through this. I just need to know that while I'm fighting this battle that there are still supports there that love me. I just need to be loved through this. So please. Pray for me. I desperately need it.

Okay, Now that that has been said. Lets move on to something different. . . . Uhm. Well I'm still a Nanny. And I still love it. It is extremely hard emotionally right now. With the whole baby thing. But, I again will get through it. I know you all are probably a bit confuse on that. Because I haven't posted anything on it. But, I think I'm ready. I found out a few months ago it will be very hard for me to every get pregnant. They don't know that it is even possible. As hard as that is to hear, I know God has HIS hand in all of this. But, it still breaks my heart to hear. I'm doing better with it now than I was. But I still have my extremely hard days. That is another thing that needs prayer. I know know know that in the end, God has a plan for me that will be so amazing. It will be prefect. I will be blessed. But right now, on this journey, I'm hurt. Deeply hurt. It's not fair at all and I'm working really hard to accept all of it. It's no easy feat though. As I know others have gone through similar things, it gives me a slight bit of peace. It makes me feel that much less alone. I can do this. "When I don't measure up to much in this life, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ" - Forgiven. By: Sanctus Real.

I love love love this song by Sara Groves. It is so true.
I've done every devotional
Been every place emotional
Trying to hear a new word from God
And I think it's very odd
That while I attmept to help myself
My Bible sits upon my shelf
With every promise I could ever need

CHORUS:
And the Word was
And the Word is
And the Word will be

People are getting fit for truth
Like they're buying a new tailored suit
Does it fit across the shoulders
Does it fade when it get older
We throw ideas that aren't in style
In the Salvation Army pile
And search for something more to meet our needs

CHORUS

I think it's time I rediscover
All the ground that I have covered,
Like seek ye first what a verse
We are pressed but not crushed
Perplexed but don't despair
We are persecuted but not abandoned
We are no longer slaves
We are daughters and sons
And when we are weak we are very strong
And neither death nor life nor present
Nor future nor depth nor height
Can keep us from the love of Christ
And the Word I need is the Word that was
Who put on flesh to dwell with us
In the beginning

Splash Of Words.

2012-02-02T22:48:00.001-07:00

You know, over the last year I've learned so much. I've developed a relationship with God that I never knew existed. I would never want to give it up. There is nothing more valuable than that. But does that make all I've lost in the process any less painful? No. It hurts every day how much my family doesn't like me anymore. I miss the relationship I had with my mom. I miss my mom. I miss knowing how much she cared about me. It breaks my heart to think that for some reason that decreased when I chose God. At 20 there is no time you need your mom more. Especially with everything I'm facing. And it hurts to be so alone in that part of this. It really hurts. Every time I look into the face of the new baby I nanny. His precious. Innocent face. It breaks my heart. I might never get that. I will probably never get that. That experience is another thing that has been robbed from me. ANd only God can change it. I've only been able to hold the new baby a few times because it hurts me so much. And not many people understand it. My mother makes that pain about her. Like somehow it could hurt her more than it hurts me.

I've learned so much about me. I've learned just how strong I am NOT. I fail God daily. I oh too often forget that all I have to do is call on HIS name and HE will fight for me, HE wants to fight for me. My way never works. HIS way always will. But I'm human. And I'm stubborn. So I forget.

I've learned that most people don't stick around for long. As soon as they really get to know me. They run. Like there is something wrong with me. I'm not perfect. I know it. Oh, how deeply I know it. But, sometimes people don't even have to say it to let me know how worthless they think I am. How much I don't mean to them because I don't fit in the perfect mold that they expected.

I've learned I can only depend on God. I can't even depend on myself anymore. I will only let myself down. I am my own worst enemy. My own worst critic. My own worst fear. I hide my pain with sarcasm. I don't like to let others see me hurt. I'm one of the most sensitive people on the planet. And you would never know it just be spending time with me. I might have a smile on my face 95% of the time. But on the inside I'm crying. I'm damaged goods. God is still working on me. I'm still learning to let Him heal me.

My best friend has jumped ship. It hurts. Oh. It hurts. In a world like mine, losing someone like that is hard. Yeah, she might come back around. But it will never be the same. She has moved on. She has found a guy and that is all she cares about. She didn't even tell me. Because she didn't want to "hurt my feelings" Uh... well it wouldn't have. But not telling me most definitely did. Of course there were other things that happened. I finally just had to stop. I fought for the friendship for so long. And I couldn't do it any longer. It's not a friendship if only one side is putting in the effort and that is what it became. Anytime I would try to mend it. It would become a massive fight and I'd end up hurt even more. I miss her like crazy. I don't know what to do.

I've never felt more alone in my life.
I can't scream that I need help any louder. I don't think I have the energy to scream anymore at all.

I'm tired of opening up to people to have them be too busy when I really need them. I can't take anymore. I'm on such an emotional roller coaster that I don't know if it's ever going to stop or even slow down. I'm getting tired though. Really tired. I'm already falling to pieces. I'm trying to get back up, but then somebody shoves me back down.

I'm tired of never belonging. Never really fitting in. Never being understood. Always feeling invisible. Everywhere I go this is how things are. I'm tired of being made to feel worthless. Like there is always something more important. Sometimes things are more important. But other times. All I really need is to know that I really am loved. Because I don't always feel it. Especially right now.

I'm going to try and start posting more... I know I've said it before. I have so much I need to put on here. I'm just having an extremely hard time with most of it. But, I will get there. Even if i can just start with once a week. And then slowly move back up to where I was. Because it's most definitely not because I don't have things to talk about. I just don't always know how to say them or how much to share. But, I'm done being superficial. I'm going to be real. Here like I always have been and everywhere else. Because I shouldn't have to be someone else to be loved. I shouldn't have to.

This song has been playing in my head for a few days.
When the stars came crashing down
In tiny pieces to the ground
I was all alone down here
Trapped beneath the atmosphere
Then I, thought somebody called my name
I spun around and caught a flame
I gave into a God I didn't know
And now everything is falling into place
A brand new life is calling and I owe it all to grace

It's so much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone to see
When we sttumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa

When a heart is cold as ice
You can't melt it with advice
No one wants to listen to
A list of things they shouldn't do
So I build a city on a hill
And I light a candle on the sill
Knowing you'll be always knocking at the door
Oh God I just want to love on everyone
All I have is yours to give so let the people come

It's so much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone to see
When we stumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light

that makes the shadows hide
the light that breaks the curse of pride
the light that takes the weary in it's arms

When it all came crashing down
There was only darkness all around
But in the distance I could see
A Flame

It's So much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone, and I mean everyone to see
When we stumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light!!

Three Years.

2012-01-12T21:38:00.002-07:00

This is me, Three years ago today.

Three years ago tonight I lay in the PICU after having major surgery with tubes coming out of every part of my body.

Three years ago my mother and family spent the entire day in a waiting room wondering what would happen. Waiting for those updates that were few and far between.

Three years ago my mother sat with the amazing surgeon after he had finished and learned of all the damage that was inside of me.

Three years ago today, I guess you could say it all finally sunk in.

It all hit.

We knew for certain.

Three years ago today, my stomach was fixed to the best it would ever be again.

Three years since I lay in that room with that little boy. He was around two years old I believe. His parents were not there. They didn't expect him to make it much longer. Yet, he fought on. He still tried. The beeping from all the machines was strangely comforting, I had never shared a hospital room before. The PICU nurse was great. He would ask me questions about doing all the different procedures that had to be done on me. Not because he didn't know, or because I did know. Just to keep me distracted. To be involved.

To have a relationship other than on the skin.

I was transfered to the floor shortly after. The little boy died the same night. And well. I can't help but wonder; was he alone? DId he have to spend his last moments alone? It saddens my heart. I am happy he is no longer in pain.

I think of that little boy often.

I wonder if I learned what he was teaching or if I just put him in my memory and grabbed the obvious lesson?

I've made it three years now.

Here's to 3x25 more!

Stop.

2012-01-11T21:16:00.001-07:00

Well. Sorry. I feel like that's how I start every post these days. And really, I do mean to blog. I want to blog. I probably even need to blog. I just don't. I let others things get in the way. I get overwhelmed at the thought of how much to share on here. Because I don't want it to be sad here. I don't want a pity party. Ever. I just want to have my space here. Where I am free to be me. Free to say what I want. Because I don't have that place anywhere else. Yet I feel like that isn't possible with everything that is going on. It feels like I have no control. I want some form of control. Something to hold on to. I have that in Jesus. And then I have to deal with the people who tell me I'm wrong. They act like I'm in some kind of cult. Like I've been brainwashed. Which isn't true. I'm not stupid. I can recognize when something is wrong. ANd this. This is not. But, everyone here bringing me down. Has really pulled me down lately. I feel like most of the people in this town are against me. Like they are just waiting for me to fall. For me to fail. especially my family. It's the worst feeling ever. To know that they don't have my back no matter what. They have my back when I am who they think I should be. When I do what they want. Not when i have a mind of my own. And that is not okay with me. Okay? It's not okay with me for people to treat me like dirt. I am not dirt! I matter, too!! There is nothing wrong with me following Jesus and the Bible. Nothing at all. Actually it's the opposite. I know. People get jealous. People throw rocks at things that shine. Maybe they don't really mean to hurt me. But, they do. Every day, they hurt me. Every day, it hurts deeper. And every day, I stay. I don't cut those blood lines. I don't walk away from this family who doesn't approve of me. Why? Because they are family.... Which isn't a reason at all. It's not okay for anyone to put anyone through this. But I am letting my family just because they are family. They have made wounds that will never completely heal towards them. ANd every time I see them the get ripped back open. It hurts more each time. I don't need their approval, I want it. I want their love. I want the family. I'm selfish like that. I want them to love me for me. I don't need to be told it will pass. Because it might not. Nobody knows. If I can't sit here and take it till it does, if it does, well that will be good. If it doesn't, and I end up walking away. Well. I don't have a plan for that just yet. But until then I need it to just stop. I need space to not have to be stressed about it all the time. I need my space for a moment. Please. Stop.
Sorry. My posts lately have no purpose. No theme towards what should be written this time of year. I'll get there. Eventually.
I need to know who is still here with me? Who is standing here by me when the rest seem to turn the other way? Who still cares?

Lets Pretend.

2011-12-26T16:35:00.002-07:00

Lets pretend for a little bit that I don't feel completely violated, that I don't feel like I'm the one at fault. That I'm okay. And while we are pretending that. Why don't we also pretend that I had any Christmas spirit at all. Lets pretend that my family likes me. Lets pretend that yesterday wasn't a complete disaster. We can pretend that I'm doing just fine. I'm not completely torn apart on the inside. We can pretend all the comments don't hurt. Why don't we, while we're at it pretend that I care at all...
What we don't have to pretend is that everything will be fine. That one of these days all the stuff that's stressing me out will be over. We don't have to pretend that there are people that love me for me. They aren't asking me to be someone else. We don't have to pretend that I have found Jesus and my relationship with Him is so amazing and I would never trade it for the world.

But, sometimes I get tired of pretending and at that point I don't know what to do. Because it's not me to fall apart in front of anyone else. I don't ask for mental support from anyone. I don't often cry in front of anyone. I mean very, very rare of me. So for me to stop pretending is a big deal. I'm known for my smile. No matter what is going on on the inside, I smile. Because I never want anyone to hurt because of me or for me again. I think I've caused enough of that in my lifetime already.

I know. I know. Not a very Christmassy post. But, it's what's on my heart and you really don't want to hear about the day I had yesterday. I got amazing gifts. But, that has nothing to do with Christmas. I do not support it. I am not Peagan. I'm not going to get into it all right now. But, if you are interested research the true origins of Christmas. It's scary stuff people. Scary stuff.

Well. :) I hope you all had a good weekend and if I'm not back before the New Year have a happy New Year as well!

Trying...

2011-12-06T20:11:00.001-07:00

I'm not really in a bloggu mood but I have to give my mother back her computer bright and early so I have nno choice but to blog tonight if I want to be able to at all. So bear with me.
I'm having some friend troubles. I have friends, but not many of those friend who care past the convenient point. I'm not just a convenient type of person. I've always been told to be the friend you want to have. And really I stink at being a friend sometimes. But I always get off my high horse and apologize when I realize how crappy I've been. This particular friend and I get along smashingly. But when I need her she tends to flake out on my with out a second thought a lot of the time. If I say I will help someone when I get off work at 6pm I will go help them when I get off work at 6pm. Not ignore them until 11pm when I text and say I needed some me time. Not that me time isn't important of course. But word to the wise. If the person you claim to be best friends with is going through a very traumatic time the night before a big event due to the traumaticness is probably not the best time to take me time and not tell them. Just saying.

I get anal about things being on time. About me being on time. I always want to be on time. Well I think everyone does. I just get frustrated when I'm not. Like bad. Causes panic. And well it just isn't good. So. I have been trying to just let go. To not hold myself so tightly to a schedule that I know will be messed up. However, I have no middle. Either I'm anal about it or I flat out don't care. Which isn't any better. Where do I find a medium? Can I pick one up at the store?
This song just came on the radio. I've heard it so many times before, but tonight it had new meaning for me. Funny how things do that huh?

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget

[Chorus:]
In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I wrestle with my pain, struggle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

[Chorus]

When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause
Cause I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven.- Forgiven By Sanctus Real.

Yep. After a 30 minute tantrum tonight the kids are asleep and I am so ready for bed I could cry, in fact I might. I'm overstressed, overwhelmed, and overtired.
Until next time. Gabby

Yes I did.

2011-11-28T22:06:00.001-07:00

Yes I did stand in line for almost 3 hours to get sheets on black Friday.

Yes I did forget to take any pictures at all over the holiday. Which included a girls trip :). Nonetheless though, no pictures.

Yes I did end up drinking more then 1 5 hour energy to keep myself going. Not at the same time. But a few days in a row. I'm still coming back down.

Yes I did go to one of the best Church meetings I have ever been to. The power of the Holy Ghost was so strong. It was absolutely amazing. I will never get tired of the feeling when the love of God washes over me and I feel completely at peace.

Okay, I'm exhausted so I think this will have to be continued another time. I just wanted to let you know I'm still here. :)

Unnecessary Failure.

2011-11-15T09:41:00.001-07:00

I was newly 16. Taking my driving test. Did I know how to drive? Yes. I was fine. I was actually a fairly good driver. Still am. But this day I was so nervous. Sitting in the car with the instructor I was about in tears I was so scared. I was shaking. Yeah. It was bad. We made it about halfway through the test when the instructor told me to pull over. Ha, that didn't help the anxiety. She very kindly told me to relax, that she wasn't there to fail me but instead she wanted me to pass. To succeed. That she could see that if I would just relax I would do just fine. But, if I didn't she would have no choice but to fail me. She gave me a second chance. I passed just fine. Ha got a mark for speeding, ha. Had she not slowed me down I would have failed. Just because I was afraid of failing. How much sense does that make? But really how often do we do that to ourselves? We fail for no reason but our own fear. Just something on my mind today.

I can't believe it's almost Thanksgiving! I'm excited. It's the only time I LOVE leftovers! Yummy Yummy. I'm actually Bringing stuff this year! When you live there it's a bit hard to bring something and be helpful at the same time. I'm doing the Deviled Eggs(which I do every year anyways) I'm doing the Relish Tray... Lots of cooking involved there... And a Strawberry Jello Casserole the my Great Aunt used to make. It's so yummy. So not a lot of cooking involved but it will still be fun! And then my in town Bestie and I will head to Utah for the night and do black Friday! It will be so much fun! I'm so excited!! And then to Idaho for a Church conference. It's awesome!

Then right after Christmas we are going to Tuscon Arizona for another Conference. I'm pretty excited over here. It might only be in the 60's and raining BUT that's better than the below 0's. :)

Well, I've had a kidney stone for 2 weeks. I'm miserable from it. But life doesn't slow down so neither do I! Hopefully it will pass soon because I refuse to be in the hospital. REFUSE!

Okay. My computer is broke so I'm blogging from my moms netbook that she's letting me borrow.I will try to write again later. The 3 year old keeps me busy though.

What are you all thankful for? I'm going to write a thankful post here shortly.
*Gabby

Letting Go.

2011-10-20T15:17:00.002-06:00

I think one of the hardest things for me on a daily basis is letting go. Coming to the reality that I can't control everybody and everything. Knowing that I can't do everything. Letting... Well watching people I love make mistakes that I feel I know a better way. Which isn't always the case. Everyone has to learn their own way. Some people can learn thru others, but I think for the most part we have to learn it for ourselves. We have to have those times where we fall flat to realize "hey I'm not perfect I need God to help me thru this." Because quite frankquently(Word of the week ha-ha) people who never have big struggles and never fall, publicly are not fun to be around. We need those to make us humble. I struggle with this. I get in my little zone and only focus on how others seem to have it better than me. When in all reality everyone struggles, you just don't always see it. I tend to be really open about a lot of my life, yet completely shut off in others. I will admit my struggles, for the most part. Yet some things, like anger, pain, and hurt I refuse to deal with. I refuse to let myself be justifiably angry because I know the damage that it can cause when it is out of control. I never want to get to that point. SO I try not to feel it at all. Which I guess for the most part works. I have certain folders you could say that tend to get me riled up. But for the most part I maintain my calm attitude on the outside.

I've been told this by many. I'm not trying to boast in it. Or build myself up. I'm just processing thru it. I am very hard to read emotionally. I can maintain my straight face. I can keep a smile on even in my darkest times. Is this good? Well I'm told so. I'm told wearing your emotions on your sleeve isn't easy to be around. I guess I'm just used to it? But at the same time, I know I over compensate when I am hurting. I become completely distant from everyone. I keep that smile and the automatic "Fine, how are you?" I don't always like this about myself, and I know one day when I'm married my husband will probably dislike it too. But, I don't want to be the emotional blob either. Where is the middle ground for me? I guess that's what I will start working on. Being more emotionally showing towards people, because it's not that I don't feel things. I would say I'm over emotional on the inside. Maybe that's why I put a wall on the outside? Hmm. Okay. This is deep enough for the public :)

My stomach is not happy today. Ugh. It happens I guess though. I know why. But it's not easily fixable, just has to be gotten thru.

So I've spent the last few days deciding whether or not to share this on here. I've decided yes. Many of you... If you still read have been thru a lot of this medical stuff and prayed for me, so I will tell you the news;

I have Hypothalamic Pituitary Dysfunction, also know as Hypopituitarism. It can be dangerous if not controlled. They aren't sure what caused it. I'm going to see a specialist.
There are many hormones that the Pituitary Gland controls. The one it is for sure affecting for me is Gonadotropin Deficiency. So medically speaking I suffer from Infertility. Medically speaking it will be close to impossible by the looks of my case for me to have be pregnant. BUT, my Jesus does not go by this medically speaking stuff. I know it is in HIS will no matter what happens.

I'm not gonna lie and say it doesn't still upset me at times to think I can't have children. But, I just give it to God in those times. Because HE is bigger than my pain. HE has it all under control.

A few extra prayers never hurt anything however, if you get the chance. It's an unknown situation. There is another situation on top of that, that really needs prayers.

Okay. Well I hope you all have an awesome Thursday, tomorrow is Friday!! I'm ready for the weekend. That's for certain!

Where Did My Snow Go?

2011-10-19T10:50:00.000-06:00

So, the snow is gone. It was like a glimpse of what could be and then snatched away. That's alright tho. I know it will come back to me :)

I have been trying to just take life slow lately. Not worry so much about every one else and focus on today. I can't control what happens tomorrow. I can't control anything really. Just my attitude towards it all. SO today I will choose to be positive. I will choose to not let all these little irrelevant things bring me down. I will still choose Jesus. It may be hard to keep a positive outlook. I may fail in my carnality sometimes. But, I can always get back up and start over. Because HE paid the ultimate price for me.

I'm currently watching Mickey Mouse Club House. It's not as miserable as some of these other kids shows. But seriously. What happened to shows like Little Bear and Winnie the Pooh?
On a normal day the Tv would be off and we would be doing something. But this week has been a little off for us so instead we take a break and do nothing. Which is totally okay. I will make some yummy cookies here in a few. Do some cleaning. Finish the laundry. Later. Right now. I will just sit and take it all in. Because while all of it needs to be done. None of it is urgent.

I'm totally hoping to go back to school in the Spring. Well not go anywhere but start again. Just one class. But, it will be totally amazing. I'm so ready to be back at it. To be learning , writing papers and reading text books. I'm ready. :)

Winter.

2011-10-13T22:14:00.001-06:00

Well, again I have been terrible about blogging. It's not that I don't want to. Or that I don't have the time. I have plenty to write about. So what is it exactly keeping me from it? Well I'm not really sure. I guess I'm not always sure how much of anything I want to share here anymore. I would love to share everything. Without a care in the world about it like I used to. But I can't. Mainly because of current situations, but I think I already touched on this subject so lets move on.

So we already have had snow. Ugh. Last week. Which means 10 months of being cold all of the time. But it also means I get to wear scarves and hats and coats and boots. Who doesn't love boots? It means more tea and less pepsi. Well no still just as much pepsi but more hot tea. It means I get to envy those drinking hot cocoa and eat a lot of soup. It means a flu shot in the near future and being more aware of who I'm around. It means ice skating and snow men... When it snows again. It means long walks while the flakes are falling, and waking up to the fresh glitter a few times a week. It means being snowed in to the house and staying in our jammies all day watching movies and reading books. Can you tell I'm slightly fond of winter?

Settle for a Slow Down

2011-09-26T22:16:00.002-06:00

I never seem to be able to think of the "right" words to post lately, so I choose to not post at all. I have so much going on right now in my life. But, most of it I can't share on here. No, I can share is on here. I just won't because then it becomes part of the mess that is controlling my life right now. Some of you know what is going on. Some of you don't.
Rebekah, call me! Or text. I'm always afraid you will be in class, or getting ready for class, or sleeping!
Know that right now in my life I'm facing something that is extremely hard for me. Once I get the final results. I will post more about it. But until then please just pray.

I've been bad about always being on the move lately. When I take the time to slow down I seem to be more emotional. So I just go go go go go. Which isn't good for me either. Friday, I had so much to do. Clean, pack, bake pies, go to the bank, all while nannying. My nephew who is 2 had come over for the day to play with my Z-Man(the little guy I nanny) and it was nap time. He wouldn't lay down unless I laid with him. At first I was rather annoyed by this, after all I had work to do. But all at once it hit me as I was holding the sleeping child, that moment was all that mattered. He isn't gonna be little forever. It wasn't more important for me to do all that stuff than for me to hold him. I needed it. He needed it. After our nap we were both much happier. Because those are the moments that really matter. His beautiful sleeping face. Kissing his little forehead. Holding his little hand. That is all that mattered. I got all my stuff done later that day and everything turned back into fast pace soon after the nap. But for those moments time passed slowly. It gave me the chance to soak it all in. It was bittersweet.

My Z-Man has started looking at me and saying "Abby, I love you when you come back". It just melts my heart. I'm gone most weekends, doing church stuff so by Monday we are both very happy to see each other.

I'm off to the land of Lilliput.... If anyone can name the book I'm reading by that statement I'll give you 500 points!

Factual

2011-09-10T01:45:00.000-06:00

My name is Gabby. The same Gabby I have been since birth. Part of me may have changed. But really, I'm still me. In the last few months I have found something. SOmething that has made me feel like nothing ever has. A peace inside of me that is unchangeable. I've really found Jesus. I feel like I've touched God deeper than I ever did in my old Church. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. But a lot of people have disowned me for the change. Hmm them or Jesus. I choose Jesus. Sorry. But it still hurts.

I can't imagine where I would be right now had I not become apart of the Apostolic Pentecostal Church. It save my life. People there saved me life. Jesus saved my life. I know that is where I'm supposed to be and I'm tired of being attacked for it. I'm tired of being a victim to everyones gossip. I'm not perfect I make all kinds of mistakes. But hey, so do you. "Don't judge my poo".- Courtney Morgan.

I want to get back into the habit of blogging. But until the issue is over there is so much I can't share. But I need this connection. SO If you are still out there would you please let me know. And maybe offer up some ideas on what I could write about? I can blabber like no other. But I need to know someone is listening. That someone on here still cares. I'm sorry I dodged out for so long. But it is what I needed. I could no longer spread myself out on here and hope to be picked up. I had to be in the real world and let someone pick me up. ANd to my surprise people responded. SO now let me go through some of these people.

Debi has always been around. Well at least through all of this. I know she plans to stick around and I love her for that. For her willingness to go beyond my one word answers and engage me in figuring out my feelings instead of avoiding them. I love her to pieces.

Then there is Teal. OH Teal. We are connected at the heart and the hip. We do everything together. If we have a problem we work it out. I now when she needs me with out her saying a word. I need her. She is more than a friend or a sister to me. It's like I was only half a person and she is the rest. She is the best friend anyone could ever ask for.

Then there is Em. SHe keep me going. We always are laugh about something. We have a lot of sometimes inappropriate fun. But it's sometimes harmless jokes that keep us going.... I love that she understands more of me than most people because she has been there. I don't know what I would do with out her.

Then there is Glenna aka "Mom" Since my mom has bailed out in a lot of aspects of my life. Glenna hass taken over. I have a hard time when it comes to needing mom not calling her. I feel like my mom doesn't understand or care about a lot of thing in my life. And Glenna has become the mom of that part. My problem is she has her own kids. and we all know I'm a lot to handle. I'm a burden. I know it. SO I hold back a lot from her. From everyone. Just because, I don't want them to feel anything different about me. I don't want their perspectives to change. I love being able to talk to her when I can. It changes me whole day no matter what I talk about. She calms me down. We just had that instant bond. I am forever grateful to her. I love her so very much. I need her. I couldn't do this with out her.

Well, now you have part of my life again. It's going up and up. sometimes it goes over bumps that are hard to make it through. With the help of Jesus and the above mentioned people. I always get over.

I plan to be back soon. But I always say that. SO instead I will just say, Until next time. And please leave me a comment so I know you are still there. :)

Blocked.

2011-08-19T19:44:00.002-06:00

I'm in a bit of a writing block. Not that I don't have so much I want to write. Just that I can't seem to get the words out. I will be back blogging regularly soon. Just hold on a bit for me...

Yeah.

2011-07-28T07:53:00.000-06:00

I'm scared.

I know it's in Gods hands, He has it all under control.

But at the same time, I can't see the future and this unknown scares me.

I don't want to go to physical therapy today, or the concussion clinic tomorrow.

I don't want to hear what they have to tell me.

Yesterday really has me anxious. I couldn't move my mirrors in my car. I couldn't remember my shoes. It's not okay. It scares me.

I was doing none stop talking outside church last night and it lasted until 2 am. I couldn't stop. I couldn't filter it. My mouth was just moving. Teal didn't even have to respond, I just kept talking.

I don;t want her to be gone back to Evanston. I tried to get her to stay. I need her right now. I need to not be alone. I'm scared and I need her. I need you. I need someone to tell me it's gonna be fine, even though it probably won't. I need to know that even if I have brain damage, even if I have to wear a helmet and be the most cautious person ever for the rest of my life to keep my brain alive, that everyone's not gonna jump ship. I need some certainty in all these unknowns. I know that makes no sense.I need to know that If I'm like this for the rest of my life that I'm still gonna be loved.

Just another day.

2011-07-22T22:24:00.000-06:00

Hello, I'm still in beautiful CA. We toured the Navy Base yesterday. My Cousin is n the Navy so that made it easy! The ships are huge! This is the fishing dock. It made me smile! Not really sure why, but it did

So I have a story to share. The other day at the pool this old man came just a few minutes before we left. He got in the pool. His body visibly worn with age. He started going back and forth. It took him rough 5 minutes to go one way. But, he still did it. He didn't give up because it was hard. Or because he wasn't as fast as someone younger. He did it. He worked as hard as he could. I think sometimes we give up too easily. We take to heart what other people think of us and go with the flow. While it matters to a certain point what others think of us, all that really matters in the end is what go thinks of us. Are we pleasing Him with our actions or just doing something to please the human race. Or both?

Just something on my mind.

Well, plans here keep changing and we didn't make it to the zoo today. Hopefully tomorrow!

Back Again Already!

2011-07-21T16:50:00.000-06:00

Back again. Live from my cousins couch in San Diego! As I said earlier I really love it here. I don't think I could ever live in a city like this. But I would definitely love to visit as often as possible. :) We spent yesterday at the pool. I got my first sunburn of the year. I think I mentioned that earlier though.

I think I broke my wrist last week. Well, just fractured it. I didn't go to the ER mainly because I don't like hospitals. I've been icing it like crazy. HAd it wrapped and in a sling for a few days. the swelling has pretty much gone away. SOmetimes at night my hand will still be swollen and as long as I don't put weight on it or use it too much it's fine. So maybe I can just let it heal without a cast. Yeah, please don't knock me out of my pretend world just yet.

We are headed to the zoo tomorrow and I am so excited! It's gonna be awesome! I'll take pictures... Maybe...

Well I don't want to put a bad twist on this post so the rest must be saved for another time!

What I've Been Up To!

2011-07-21T13:53:00.000-06:00

I'm in California! Visiting my cousin. I've never been here before and I'm loving it. The weather is perfect! I'm sunburnt! I love sunburns (Please no comments on sun cancer)
I will try to do a real post later. I just wanted to update and say I'm still kicking! Maybe after all the "stuff" is over in my life I can get back to posting everything regularly. Ah. This too shall pass.

I love the Ocean. Like really really love it. This was my first time to see it, feel it, experience it. It was amazing. It's so big. I'm so small. It really was just awesome. I can't wait to go back! I'm gonna go soak up some more of this perfect weather! More later....

Slight interruption...

2011-06-23T01:36:00.000-06:00

Ugh, I promise to post soon. So much going on. I need to get back to blogging though. It really helps!

I will be back ASAP. ("What does that even mean? Probably Act Swiftly Awesome Pachyderm"(What's that from? Anybody?))

Void

2011-05-23T21:39:00.000-06:00

My mom before the show.

I love my eyes here. Something about them just ah. Loverly.

I can be a very introverted person. In fact, I usually am. I don't enjoy talking. I know I'm a girl and really it should come naturally and be a hobby, but it doesn't and it's not. I have many conversations in my head. They are good conversations too. The kind you want to have. They touch so much deeper than the everyday how are yous?

All dress for Lady Gaga

I realized I hadn't really talked about going to see Lady Gaga in March. My mother and I went, before we started fight. Like a day before. It was awesome. She really puts on a fun show. And who doesn't love being able to dress up all crazy like? I really had an awesome time!

Okay, I have a thing about being polite. Especially to workers at places I go. Not so much to average joes on the street. But I find more I more that I want to apologize for the actions of complete strangers. Like I'm offended to be known as human because of them. I hate it. There is just so much uncalled for cruelty these days. It really makes me tick!

This weekend I'm going out of town. Oh, wait back up. I'm now living in Utah. Working as a live-in Nanny. Okay, back to present thought. This weekend there is a Church thing in Idaho so me and some girl friends are driving up. I'm so excited. It's gonna be so much fun. I love being on the move. Don't so much like car rides. But, seems inevitable when going anywhere far these days.

Oh, exciting bit of news. I road on public transit a few weeks ago. Only the second time ever, I know I'm spoiled. But really I grew up in a town you could walk across its entirety in an hour. Not much public transit there. The other time I was with my mom after the Lady Gaga concert. Some guy tried to pick me up. It was rather funny. Made a comment about pole dancing. I'm like "Hello ---->>> Mother right there..." Some people are just stupid. ****NO I WOULD NOT HAVE GONE WITH HIM HAD MY MOTHER NOT BEEN THERE. JUST MADE IT EVEN WORSE THAT SHE WAS.****

Well, now that I've posted on many different random things. I will shower and go to bed. Because I'm exhausted and this post is not at all what I had planned. That's alright.

FYI

2011-05-11T00:28:00.000-06:00

I just love this picture. It totally captures so much of our personalities.

*****Things have changed. The issue has resolved enough that for now I will stay public. This could change at any time though.*****

Private.

2011-05-07T00:20:00.000-06:00

My blog will be going private sometime Monday night or Tuesday. Having some "issues" IRL. If you want to be added to be able to read, please leave your email in the comments. No worries, I won't publish them! Thanks for reading, it will go public again when all this is resolved.

Superficial Relationships.

2011-05-03T22:26:00.000-06:00

I have grown accustom to these kinds of relationships. Many of my relationships these days are simple that. Superficial. The ones that aren't seem to be slowly turning into it. I don't want that. SO why am I allowing it to happen? Well, I'm sick of putting my problems on everyone else. Sure they may not mind. But, I do. I hate feeling like I'm bringing others down. It's not good for anyone.

There is always so much I want to let out. But, I'm afraid if I start I won't be able to stop. What will happen then? Well, I don't know. I haven't been there yet.

Let's just say. I want to talk. Oh, I want to spill it all out on here. But I can't. It's stuck. I'm stuck.

Why bother?

2011-05-03T17:19:00.000-06:00

Really, why bother? I try. I fail. I try again. I fail again. And the cycle just goes on like that. I'm quite sick of it. Really. I'm sick of being a hobo. Of everyone(okay maybe not everyone) telling me who to be. Of people getting upset with me over things which are out of my control.
I'm tired.

I could say..

2011-04-30T14:00:00.000-06:00

I could say....
It's not fair
It's not right
It's not me.

Or I could simply say it's life. I can't control it. I can't always change it. It's hurts me. I cry, a lot. But, I will put on a smile and carry on. Because, life isn't worth living if there is no happiness, the only one that can make me happy is me. So I will choose today to be a happy hobo. Live my life to the fullest and continue on, learning to dance in the rain. To laugh when I feel like crying. To hold on when I feel like giving up. No one is going to fight through this but me. So I need to step up. Lets do this. And while I'm at it, maybe get on some mood stabilizers. :) Yeah I know. It's a roller coaster.

So, I'm not really sure that any one reads this anymore. So if you do, comment! Let me know something that has made you happy this week!

Dear Daddy.

2011-04-23T00:04:00.001-06:00

Every little girl dreams of marrying daddy, right? Me. I dreamed of who I thought my daddy to be. Because you see, I didn't know him. He left when I was 4. I still don't know him. I've seen him twice in the last 15 years. Talked to him maybe 10 times, and none in the last 3 years. But, the streak was broken today. You see, last week while talking with my Grandpa he strongly encouraged me to give my father a call. I smiled and nodded brushing it off. I mean, he has never shown an interest in my life, why bother? But this conversation with my Grandpa stuck in my head. I thought about it, hardly sleeping for days. Then I did it. I asked my Auntie for his number. I called him, Tuesday. I received no answer. How did I feel about this? So I left a message, and waited. No return call came. I talked to Auntie again. She had talked to him. He was excited to hear from me. She thought I should call again. I did. Home. Cell. Still no answer. I didn't bother leaving messages this time. Why would I? Then, a few hours later. My phone rang, it was him! The sound of his voice, is it weird that I was comforted by it? We talked as if no time had passed. We exchanged day to day thoughts. Wow. I'm a bit like him. The conversation only went flat when he put my step-mom on. Uh, hi. Okay. Then he was back and on went the words. I was in heaven. He still calls me Sis. I still love it. It's sometimes odd the things we remember from childhood. I can't remember his face. Other than the few pictures I have of him. But his voice, and being called Sis, that I remember. I didn't want the conversation to end. Ever. But Alas, it was time. I needed to head to dinner with everyone. SO I had to get off. Can someone please explain the overwhelming feeling of joy inside me when he said "I love you Sis, let me know what the Dr says"?!?! Seriously. I suppose it's just the very infrequent mention of him. The close to never hearing of his voice. The missing of him telling me he loves me. It all goes together. And tonight my heart is full.

Still Waiting.

2011-04-21T20:04:00.001-06:00

I hate waiting. The best things in life might be worth waiting for, but some of the worst take the longest. I get so frustrated with Doctors. Seriously. I know you probably had the results yesterday so why not calln and tell me what they said, even if you don't know what the plan of action is yet. I need to email my surgeon about what is going on. NOT the one who tried to kill me. The one who helped to save me. I very much don't want to. I very much don't want to say I'm having more problems. That I'm not doing as well as I and he would like. That, this could be life threatening. I don't want to say all that. I would much rather say life is great and I'm still in College, having a grand ole time living life. But I can't that isn't the truth. I hate it. I hate this not knowing stuff. I just want to know.

I know this is all in Gods timing. I know I can't rush things. But I'm feeling pretty miserable right now. I can hardly breathe and my chest is hurting horribly. I should have called the Dr today. I know this. But, I didn't have the number handy. Since I didn't want to call in the first place I didn't go looking for the number. You see, I avoid. I'm great at it…

On a different note. I have this friend, whom I'm not sure if I've mentioned on here. T and I are best of friends we have been for years. We are creepy sometimes. We just Know things. Like if I'm upset, she calls. She is absolutely amazing. We have grown really close these last couple months. She has always stuck by me. Through everything the last few years. But she has been especially close these last few months when a lot of the other people in my life have dropped out. I can't thank her enough. Last week, the man who has been a father figure in her life for the last 8 years died of a heart attack. Very unexpectedly. She is doing well considering. But, is still hurting. Missing him. She just needs prayer. Se is being so strong throughout this all and I am so very proud of her!

Yeah, random. I know. Lets just keep on this note though.

Another person who I know has been mentioned more than once is Debi. Oh, where would I be without Debi? Uh, well we just won't go there. She is always there for me. I can't express how grateful I am for her. She keeps me going.

I'm rather stressed. Not easily distracted. Know that either I will get a phone call tomorrow or they will… I'm ready to know. I'm ready to sleep. I'm just ready. Ready ready.

Wait... Are you sure?

2011-04-19T14:36:00.000-06:00

Alright, I don't want to post this. But this is where I come for everything. SO here it is.
(I can feel a migraine coming on so this may be cut short.)

I went to a routine check up with my Rheumatologist yesterday. I'm supposed to go once a year, I went once... three years ago. So they get a checking, my pulse was high. BP low. Alright. They get a feeling around. Neck, shoulders. "Hmm, I think you have an enlarged thyroid." Alright now big deal that can be fixed. They get a listening to my lungs and find that I have NO breath sounds in my lower lungs. Hmm. Alright. That mixed with fast heart rate... They order an EKG. They do it. The Dr comes back in. "Well the results from that look.... Alright... So we are gonna do an echocardiogram" Uh, excuse me that makes no sense. Well. You see they thing because of my decreased lung function my heart has had to work a lot hard causing it to become enlarged. Not a good thing. So I have a slew of blood test done. 14 10cc tubes to be exact! (I'm pretty sure that was close to all I had!) And an xray. Then I had the echo. The tech was not very good at not giving away that there was some kind of a problem. SHe'd be talking then suddenly become silent her eyes would go big and she would take a million pictures of the same thing and listen to the rhythm and all that. But she was just a tech and not allowed to say what she was seeing.

Now I sit and play the waiting game. Wait. Wait. Wait.

I hate this.

Life, . .

2011-04-16T12:57:00.000-06:00

Really. Life? Is this the way we are always going to get along? I keep my chin up. You learn to kick harder? I'm definitely not a fan of you right now. I want a full nights sleep and a hot shower. You give me a car. I'm sick of you. But, not giving into you just yet. I have options. You will see. One day I wont be this girl anymore. I will succeed. Partially at least. I will find the joy that the Lord has promised. When I do. You better watch out, I won't let you harm me anymore. SO enjoy it while you can....

I want this^^ to be my outlook right now. I really really do. But it's not. My outlook is poor. I'm tired. Exhausted. Falling apart. I have nowhere to go. I was living with my grandma. I was enjoying it, mostly. She was over the moon about it. Then, I finally got convinced to go into the Dr for my lungs. There may have been kicking and screaming on my part. But, nonetheless I went in. Well folks, my lungs and airways are inflamed. great. I'm not allowed to be around anyone with any type of cold or flu. Because the bacteria will plant itself in the susceptible tissue and I will be very sick. At the beginning of Winter my Dr told me to be very careful because the slightest lung infection, with the condition of my lungs, would land me at the very least in the hospital. She gave me all kinds of shots. I did very good. But, now this. Okay what does that have to do with my grandma?She has Bronchitis. Can't go there. Don't have the money to go up to Wyoming, or the time. Leaves me with my connections here. Lets just say last night was not fun.

To top the cake, I woke around 1130 last night having a pretty severe reaction to the medicine that they gave me to heal my lungs, luckily I was able to run into wal-mart and get some benedryl before my throat shut. So here I am. Stuck in a strange city, no where to stay. ALlergic to the med that will help so I can find somewhere to stay. Oober annoyed. My lungs are killing me. I'm exhausted. Alrighty. Can someone say "calm down Gabby" please?

I love that it's the people on here that really care! I have gotten so many offers for places to stay. And am really considering them. Thank you all for caring!

So Life, get ready. I will be back.

Adventure

2011-03-29T19:53:00.001-06:00

I would really like a moment of peace. Maybe use the toilet by myself. Take a shower in the room alone. Sleep more than an hour at a time. I would really like to say I'm overly exaggerating right now. But I'm not. I love my sisters kids to death, but come on people there is only so much one Auntie can handle. I don't have children. I have a dog. My dog does not get up in the middle of the night and cry for hours. Nor does he claim to be hungry at bedtime to get out of sleep and make me sit in the kitchen for an extra hour before going to bed. He is very well trained that way. He loves on me when I want and leaves me alone when I tell him to. That is the joy of a dog.

I do want children, in due time. But today, I want to have my clothes spit up free, and a good night's sleep. Is that too much to ask?

Possibly.

I'm looking for a hobby. Being out of work and school is an odd thing for me since I'm not extremely ill. I'm really not sure what to do with my time. And WAY too much of it is being spent closed up in my sister's house. This is good for no one. I don't know how she lives like this. It makes me absolutely nuts. I need outside attention. At least every other day if not more.

Right now, the plan is to go down to Utah and stay with some close friends until I find a place down there. But, they are busy for the next 2 weeks so I have to wait awhile. I'm looking for jobs right now. Hoping to find something as a nanny. Because that is what I really love to do. I love kids. So we shall see I suppose. I've applied for a couple live-in positions which would be especially nice. That part of this falling apart does not sound so bad. I'm ready for a change of pace. A new town. New people to meet. Maybe date? I don't know. Let's have an adventure! Are you all in it with me?

I know most of you are probably confused at this change recently and maybe one day I will be ready to share. But not right now. If I go too deep on here I will fall apart and I can't do that right now. So let's just take in this change and roll with it for awhile. Because I'm feeling overall refreshed. A new person here. Ready to explore this great life and all it has to offer. Whose with me??

P.S. Caryl I will call you back soon. Was feeding the baby when you called and then my blood sugar dropped and I was sick the rest of the night. Lovely! Or call me, whenever!

Just Me Here.

2011-03-28T18:00:00.001-06:00

I've been off for awhile. Blogging here and there, when I can get a few words out. I'm alright right now. Really I am. When everything is stripped away. It's just me and God. I'm learning to lean on him through all this. It's not easy. I fail at it, most of the time. But as I said. I'm still learning. I'm very thankful for all the people who are still supporting me through all this and showing their true colors. When hard times hit, you find out who your friends are. It's going to be a long while before I'm back on my feet. I have to find a job, house, life… It's not going to be easy. At all. But "Faith makes all things possible, not easy"

Caryl, thank you so much. You being there for me is more then I can say for most people.

Screaming

2011-03-24T23:56:00.000-06:00

I don't really want to talk about it.

But will...

I had to drop out of school because of the concussions.

I had to give up my job.

My mother hates me for my life choices.

Those being, following God.

I'm currently homeless.

Everything in life has fallen apart this last month.

My world is still spinning.

If you know how to stop it, please do.

There is so much more.

But I'm a mess

I'm stopping here.

Caryl, I'm here.

I "get" It, even If I don't remember what "it" is.

Maybe I will use that number tomorrow.

I think we both need it.

Pieces

2011-03-13T23:08:00.000-06:00

I'm in pieces right now.

Not even alright enough to write about it.

Caryl, gotcha. I will. When I have more then a minute to talk.

Or can stay awake that long.

Good time?

You Better Sit Down

2011-03-10T15:32:00.000-07:00

I have ANOTHER concussion. Feel on the ice. This one is 10x worse.(Almost exactly 2 weeks apart. about 30 MINUTES off) I also cracked a rib. But oh my. There is so much to tell. I hope you guys are still out there. I know I've been very bad at blogging! I'm sorry.

Falling

2011-02-16T22:51:00.001-07:00

I wrecked my car Monday night.

I'm really not doing well right now.

Okay, physically.

Not mentally.

Far too long.

2011-01-25T22:54:00.001-07:00

It's been far too long since I came here to gather my thoughts. But then again, it's been far too long since I've had thoughts I wanted to share. But tonight. I feel I need to. It's no longer about being comfortable in my skin(like I was before?). It has to be about healing. Healing that sucks. It'll hurt worse before it gets better is a huge understatement.

PTSD does not have a cure. Just as I will always have the countless scars on my body, and the uncertainty of new Drs, I will always have PTSD. Though, that doesn't mean PTSD will always have me. At some point it will become a part of me and no longer be me. Though at this time that point seems afar off. There is still hope. I can't see it right now. But I know it has to be there. Because, I believe in the God that can do anything. He holds me close, even in times like now when I can't feel him.

I'm (surprise) not very good at talking. I would much rather keep all my oh-so-often morbid thoughts to myself. I'm, by nature, a very pessimistic person. You see the glass as half full, I see the stain it's going to leave when you spill it. Okay, maybe a change in my point of view might help. I try I really do.

Okay, so if you are lost I understand. This is an out-of-the-blue post. Seems to be the trend with me of late. I apologize for that. I'm trying I really am. I'm taking a Holocaust History class. To get my mind in a happier place. Morbid. Yeah very. I suppose This is the new me. Can we all please just accept it and move along? No, I didn't think so.

My Munchkin

2011-01-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

I was there for his birth.

For those first few days of sleepiness.

Give him all the kisses I can!

Soak up the smiles

Snuggle him often

And help him to fly.

The newest little addition just turned 3 months Christmas Eve. He is an amazing baby. SO good and calm. Loves to be help, but will sit contently by himself. He has just started giggling, it's pure joy.

My little Munchkin is so very sweet. I love him to pieces.

My Mandarin!

2010-12-31T12:06:00.000-07:00

So very tiny.

Precious and sweet.

Oh, you could eat his sweet cheeks.

Such a Happy Baby

Can't resist!

Then he got bigger

And bigger

And now he is a big goof!

My Mandarin is always so happy. His cuteness is unbearable at times. He is spoiled rotten, really. But, I love this little guy just as much as my Monkey!

My Monkey!

2010-12-30T22:40:00.000-07:00

So little

So Precious

Often on my lap

Eating candy!

He is smart

Maybe too smart?

He helps me cook

As Sweet as can be

He is growing way too fast!

My sweet nephew is almost 4 I can't even fathom it. Yesterday he was just a tiny guy. Today, we have conversations. He calls Himself CarterTonyStarkIronMan. And will argue if you say different. Oh boy, do I love this boy.

Let Me Tell You…

2010-12-27T00:54:00.001-07:00

I hate drama.

I hate lies

I hate deceitful people

All people lie. It's a sin, it's wrong. But it happens every day. Some people are just plain deceitful though. That drives me bananas. Some of you may know where this is coming from. As some big things have happened to this nature in the past. I'm not talking about that. That has been reconciled with me. I'm talking about the new stuff someone different is pulling that is just wrong. A scam. A deceitful ploy to become known.

Humph…

Long Time.

2010-12-21T19:58:00.001-07:00

Things are rough. I ran from the blog. While yes, writing here helps. Quite a lot. I just couldn't find the words to say. Especially at Christmas time. I want to do happy post about the meaning of the season. Posts about the mounds of goodies we'll have here soon. But I can't. I don't have it in me right now.

My PTSD has been awful lately. The PET is hard. It brings up a lot of memories and emotions from the trauma that I just don't want to deal with right now. I don't have much Christmas spirit. I actually don't have any. I've felt very guilty about this. I should be able to just get through this right? I hate that I can't just get past it. And feel extremely weak because of it.

There is so much more.

Just not tonight.

Not So Great. (Maybe It Is)

2010-12-06T21:07:00.001-07:00

I've been in a funk since Jonas passed. Didn't help that my Bils close friend passed the day after Thanksgiving due to a accident at work. None of it helps.

I really miss Wookie. Can't stand not having him here. But it seems I'm going to have to stay on campus next semester. Things just aren't working out to move off. But I really, really want to. I feel like a part of me is missing with out him. I went shopping last night, for Wooks Christmas presents. Probably would have cried the entire time had Ryan not come along with me. Humph. I just want my puppy. I don't sleep well without him on my bed. Even worse without him in my room/house/town. This is just a suck situation. I was okay with it earlier today. But now I'm not. So up and down lately. But really. I just want my dog. He turned a year on November 27. I didn't have money to do anything. But he got extra lovins. Gosh I miss his sweet face. Resuming apartment hunt tomorrow. Humph.

Having a rough patch

2010-12-06T20:59:00.002-07:00

Will post soon.

Late.

2010-11-29T00:17:00.001-07:00

As you know, I didn't post on Thanksgiving. Am I not thankful? No, I'm certainly thankful. I actually didn't get on the computer at all that day. It was hard. It was weird. But I did it. Then again Friday. I did get on very early Saturday morning. But didn't feel like posting.

Thanksgiving was great.

Different but great.

Can we just skip Christmas and head right into Summer?

Yeah… Didn't think so.

Not Going To Pretend.

2010-11-24T00:21:00.001-07:00

Life is hard right now.

I'm not gonna pretend to be even close to okay.

Little Jonas passed away last week.

I'm heartbroken.

I've never really met him. Saw him at the hospital once, I think.

But somehow, through his dad, he stole my heart. Jonas that is.

His eyes were so beautifully blue. Magical really.

It really just is heartbreaking.

Over and out.

When I say…

2010-11-17T23:56:00.001-07:00

Ever wonder what I really mean when I say something?

Yeah didn't Figure you did. But thought I'd tell you anyhow.

When I say "I'm fine" I mean "I hurt like crazy, but am too afraid to admit it"

When I say "I'm good" I mean "I've finally masked the pain enough to only feel numb, which is good enough for now."

When I say "How are you?" I'm genuinely interested. For one moment my head might be on something other than the horrors it usually is.

When I say "I'm here" This is a time to worry, as I might not be for long.

When I say "I'm having a hard time" I mean "I can hardly hold myself together anymore, please help me"

When I say "I need to talk" I really do. Even if I seem alright, I'm not okay.

When I say "I'm hurting" it must be really bad, or I never would have said it.

When I smile, it kills me inside. I hate the mask I have to wear.

Okay, I'm having an epic failure of a week. I fell backwards in my chair yesterday and hurt horribly today. Can hardly breathe tonight. Or move really. It's mainly my ribs, lungs, neck that I hurt. Though the rest of me doesn't feel real great either.

Picture overload?¿

2010-11-17T13:32:00.000-07:00

These first few are me around and on Halloween.

Here is your baby fix.

And here is me Thursday. Notice the change?

Oh how I love this babe.

Alone At Last(This is good, right?)

2010-11-16T00:23:00.001-07:00

Well. She is in the process of moving out. I'm thrilled. With a bit of sadness creeping in. Not because she is leaving, but because now I really will be alone all the time. Really, it sounds great. But I know me. I will spend all my time in the room alone. Because I am comfortable there now. Comfortable isn't always a good thing. Being able to sleep with out fear of waking her up from my screaming, however, sounds like an amazing thing. Not having to here her complain about stupid things. Amazing. Funny thing is, she's moving in with Meghan. Really. Quite funny if you know the story. Not feeling much like sharing it right now though.

I'm having a rough time.

When Life Gets CrAzY

2010-11-13T02:47:00.001-07:00

Okay. Confession time.

I really do love the taste of dirt. It really is because of my body lacking in some substance. Maybe not iron. That's just my guess.

My nephew dumped a bag of M&Ms down my shirt tonight. I just looked at him and didn't say a thing. Mainly because he is SO darn CUTE.

I can switch gears, emotionally, in seconds.

I cried today.

I thought I got all the M&Ms out, but one hid from me. Upon standing It moved down my shirt and I bout had a hard attack. Thought it was a spider.

My dog moved his tail. I was amazed for a minute. Until I realized it was a normal thing… Dogs wag their tails…

My hair is still falling out. The test results are not back. I decided I really do love my hair and am still not happy about this. But who would be?

In the last 2 hours I have. Vacuumed and shampooed the carpets. Cleaned and swept the bathroom. Done laundry. Taken a shower. And washed Wookies food and water bowls. It could be that I suddenly wanted to clean. Or that I had a 5 hour energy around 7pm and wasn't ready for bed. I'm seriously in L-O-V-E with those things. I get massive caffeine headaches. Drink half of one of those. Boom, I feel brand new. Within minutes!!

I started the Prolonged Exposure Therapy tonight. It was… Interesting. Very, hard. We will record all of the sessions so I can listen to them during the week. This made me feel slightly awkward. I know I'm the only one ever going to hear it. BUT Still. It was weird.

I've decided to post a lot of what I'm doing/feeling on here. To keep me accountable, and so I remember. If you have any questions ask way. I'll answer what I can.

Okay so every week I will have homework for this therapy. This week's is;

Listen to recording 1x 1 day.
Say or write Dr. O'Conner's name until my anxiety is below a 6. (You have no idea how hard it was to write that. Or to have it sit there where I can see it)
Do lots of extra self care. (My list for this is short. I need to add to it also)

Okay. Truth: I'm emotionally fried. I take everything everyone says the wrong way. "Hey Gabby you sure look pretty" Me:"What was that tone, you think it's funny to tease me? I look awful so shut up and move along." Okay so maybe it hasn't gone quite like that anywhere but my head. But that's what I'm thinking.

My sister took some pictures of me with Little Liam. I look downright awful. I didn't realize how awful until seeing the pictures. My eyes are sunken in and my toothpick arms stick out. My collarbone looks like its ready to cut through my skin.

Humph.

I talked to old Boyfriend the other night. He isn't old. He is my Ex. Not really sure why though. Oh yes, I remember. Because I'm psycho! That's the reason for everything. . . Really.

I really want a pepsi. But it happens to be almost 3am, I'm not wearing pants, or a bra. SO going anywhere is highly out of the question. I will just have to suffer till morning.

I L-O-V-E my mother with all my heart. But she is driving me bananas. She has conversations in her head. But doesn't realize it. SO you are expected to do what she's thinking, without knowing it. Drives me up the wall. But I cleaned the floors and a bundle of other things. She can really find the ground to be upset with me tomorrow. She will though. Though, I don't live her most of the time, so why I'm the one cleaning it is still a mystery.

Oh, my Grandma is coming for Thanksgiving. I couldn't be happier. She is the one who bought me Wookie. Yep. Not that she plays favorites or anything… She sends my siblings Birthday cards.

Okay, that was totally a joke. Sorta… She does dote on me a bit more than the other too-many-to-count grandchildren. But, I am the one who has been sick for years. SO no one, including me, seems to mind. And Wookie wasn't that much. Under $500.00. It's all good. (I'm being sarcastic here. In case you were wondering…)

Watch and Wait?

2010-11-09T00:08:00.001-07:00

I fail miserably at a lot of things. Mainly, being social. It's not that I have nothing to input into the conversation. I just lack the skills and confidence of actually applying it. It's something about me that I really despise, yet have no idea how to change.

I'm very hard on myself. Ha, like you didn't already know that right… And well sometimes it just gets to be too much. I overload my plate (I don't eat so this makes sense right?) And no matter how hard I try the food/emotions just keep piling on. It's an endless battle that I'm losing. Once I'm on emotional overload, I shut down. Everything is pointless. No one wants to hear what I have to say (in my head). So it builds up even more. Then comes the depression. Great. We all know what that's like for me. It's a gruesome cycle here. But. I can't change it. I fail…

I actually fell asleep once last week like real sleep. Not just zoning out for the night. It lasted about an hour before I had a freaked out roommate from my screaming. She was nice enough to turn on the light. I came to, super shaken. Lied about why I was screaming. Claiming that I thought there was a huge spider. And the room settled down she went back to bed. I laid awake the remainder of the night, contemplating who, if anyone I should go outside and call. That 1 would actually answer in the middle of the night and 2 Would listen and make me feel better without me feeling silly for calling. I didn't end up calling anyone. Mainly because that person doesn't exist. So I lay there and thought about that stupid nightmare. Over and over again. I physically was in pain. Nightmares. Flashbacks. Dissociation it all stinks. Not literally.

I just took a shower. Is that TMI? Probably. But anyway. On to the point. Have you ever showered in a public shower? Well, there's always a huge glob of hair in the drain. Because no one in their right mind would pick up the germ invested filth. Well. That's what my drain looked like when I was done. Seriously my hair was/is coming out in globs. Now, I will be honest. I don't love hair. Anywhere. I would be perfectly happy being hairless. Yet. It falling out. Kinda scares me. There has to be a reason… Right? Hair doesn't just up and decide to leave. I wonder if I have male pattern baldness. Wait. No it doesn't run in my family. Oh and the small fact that I'm not a male… That is a factor too…

Tomorrow I will wake and go apartment hunting. Doesn't sound so great to me as I have to figure this out by Wednesday. I REALLY do not want to live on campus next semester. Like really, really don't want to. Would rather eat dirt than live on campus. Wait that's not a very good example. As I lack iron and enjoy the taste of dirt. Okay. I would rather eat… Toe jam than live on campus.

I'm feeling a bit sarcastic tonight. If you couldn't tell.

Sarcasm is my coping skill. Oh, and I smile. Those two together are what keeps me running. Again not literally. But soon I will be physically running. Right exercise. TO help me… Lose weight??? No. My child. You know, the one I nanny, wants to get a faster time on the mile. So I told her I'd do it with her. Not the actual running the mile for a good time. Just the training. It's will be good. We can bond. Exercise is good for you… I suppose. Who needs to weigh over 100lbs anyway?

Another reason I need an apartment: can you imagine how big of a pain it would be to have any kind of a feeding tube while living in a dorm? Seriously. Awful…

I love periods. Not like the female kind. The punctuation kind… Have you not figured that out by the way I. separate. Everything. With. One. I thought I'd inform you.

Well again I've avoided the point that needs to be made. But, I must get to bed. Goodnight!

Insensitive?

2010-11-07T23:44:00.001-07:00

SO I found out today that you can change anything you want about yourself… Well, really? Then what the heck am I still sick for? Why do I still have PTSD? I really wish someone would have been kind enough to inform me of this before now. Oh wait. They have. And guess what. It's a load of POO(Sorry for the vulgar language.)

That is the most insensitive thing you could ever say to a person. Seriously. "Just elect to be someone different, your pain really means nothing, being sick is in your head"

GRR. It makes me so angry I could scream.

Honestly. Why would you say something like that to anyone? To hurt them deeper? Do people get some sick thrill out of knowing how badly it hurts when they say that to me?

Well needless to say I'm having a rough night. I thought it would be good. I spent the weekend in Evanston. Just got back here an hour ago, the trip was good. Only cried half way instead of all the way. That's progress. I don't remember the last half of the trip. Just drove. My head is in space so much. It's crazy.

Okay. I have to get this out. Even if I don't want to.

I've lost weight. Not just a little weight. I've lost almost 20lbs. When a slender person loses 20lbs, well it's not good. When a chronically sick person loses 20lbs, well usually action is taken.

I don't want a feeding tube. Of any kind. Because seriously, they stink. Really. They smell bad. I especially do not want a PICC line. They are such a pain to deal with. Infection of any kind could kill me. Humph. That leaves NG or G tube. NG. Really. Does anyone want a tube in their nose?Just chilling there saying "Hey look at me". G tube means surgery. Small as it may be. Still surgery.

I Vote For Me.

2010-11-03T19:41:00.001-06:00

Did you vote yesterday?

I did.

But I didn't vote because I was asked, or expected to. I voted for me.

Voting is such a privilege and people need to start realizing it.

One of my biggest "pet peeves" is people complaining about whose in office yet didn't vote. Whoa back up. You neglected to put your two cents in when it mattered but now choose to BS about the result. Nope. Not okay.

Voting yesterday, I felt like a kid in a candy shop. Seriously. I was making a difference. Well, sorta. It was partly my choice what happens in the next few years. Because I voted. Did I make the right choices? Uh, who's to say? I suppose we'll never know. Right…

I sure do hope you voted.

Already Lost

2010-10-27T00:45:00.001-06:00

It kinda sucks. No, it really sucks. I've already lost. There is no way for me to win this fight. The day he used the knife on me. He won. Nothing I or anyone else can ever do will change or fix it. Sue. Yeah. But that's not going to make me feel any better. Though. I'm still doing it. I'm really just feeling defeated tonight. Really really. A spider got on me in the shower. And that was just the end. A spider. A stupid spider has put me over the edge. Great

I hate talking to anyone. I feel guilty for not being happy and not having only sunshine dust come out of my mouth. I know everyone must be tired of it. I'm tired of it. I don't want to leave my bed anymore. I still do. But, not without a fight. College, it's supposed to be the best years of my life. Instead. It's becoming something I don't want to remember. It really hurts.

Tonight

Tomorrow

It hurts.

I have black bags under my eyes. Maybe if I got more than 2 hours of sleep at a time they would go away.

Nevertheless I cake some makeup on and go out the door.

I always think about sleeping

2010-10-26T01:16:00.001-06:00

Then realize how silly that sounds. So I just stay up.

Forgetting to Breathe

2010-10-25T14:09:00.001-06:00

(Facebook is down for me. GRR)

Here it goes.

I feel like dirt emotionally. I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm starting to feel numb again. Not completely. Just noticing that something, just don't matter. When maybe they should matter. Yet. I don't want to feel them. Who really wants to feel pain? Not me.

I can be very clinical about this. Really. Mentally I get that this is normal for someone suffering from PTSD. That this back and forth will go on for quite sometime, and it's completely normal. Other people deal with the exact same thing. It's okay to feel this way. It will get better.

See. I can be clinical.

But. Truthfully. That's not how I'm feeling.

I feel like I'm going crazy… Mental really. The lawsuit is coming to the end stages. I should be fine by now. I shouldn't be sleeping less than 12 hours a week. I shouldn't be waking up screaming when I do sleep. I shouldn't be living in irrational fear. I should be past this point. Why am I not past this point?

Only being able to see my Psychologist about every 6 weeks. It doesn't help. Yes, I could find one here in town. Will I? No. Before coming to college I was barely at the point of talking freely. Not because I don't feel comfortable with my specific Psychologist. Because I don't feel comfortable sharing. Much of anything. With hardly anyone. Not one person here in RS knows anything about my PTSD. Very few people back home know about it. How do you tell someone you're mental? It's not easy.

I'm going away a lot. Just hiding within myself. At things. I thought I was over. Like his name. Talking about PTSD in general. Not my specific case. Just that it exists. Talking about anything I've experienced. I just crawl inside and hide. It's all getting worse. The flashbacks the nightmares. Triggers. Numbness. Falling. . . . It's killing me to write this post.

Honestly. I'm a very picky person. Especially when it comes to friends. I don't like being around people who swear. So when It's my choice. I'm not. Most College aged people swear. Like sailors. That's not my bowl of soup. SO, I don't have many friends here. And by that, I mean I have one friend. She's great. She does however swear. But we've known each other for years. Not been close. But not enemies. She knows I hate swearing. SO when she does she apologizes. Which is good. But. It gets lonely here. Very lonely. I'm alone a lot. My day goes something like this.

Get up

Go to class

Eat lunch

Go to room

Hang out either in room or commons until time for work.

Go to work.

Go back to room.

Do homework or whatever until roomie comes back and wants to sleep

Do it all over again

With adding a night class Tuesday & Thursday

Really living right?

I'm so lonely. Yet there are very few people I even want to talk to. I feel guilty for talking. I have nothing good to say. Nobody wants to hear it. But I'm falling. Hitting the bottoms gonna hurt. It's not the first time. But this time I feel like I'm doing it alone. There's always been people around or just a text away. Yet, lately I feel completely cut off. The times I do get to talk to someone. I feel like everything comes out wrong. Like I'm broken. For some reason I can't say exactly what the problem is. Do I know what the problem is? Is there just one problem? No. It's a whole mess. I feel overwhelmed. So overwhelmed. I'm drowning here. Nobody is around to care.

My best friend is no longer my best friend. He doesn't even care. He's more interested in making people believe he's gay. When everybody can tell he isn't. When you truly believe you are homosexual. You don't have to try to be. It just comes. He seems like he is working so hard at it. Like he is trying to convince himself

Let me address this a little more. Homosexuality is wrong. Plain and simple. But so is lying. In Gods eyes the two sins are equal, all sins are equal. Who am I to judge or look down upon him for it when I struggle with my own problems? That's my take on it.

It doesn't hurt me that he is with him, not me. It hurts me that he is letting it come between us. I'm trying so hard to show him I'm okay with it. I just want him to be happy. Yet he is putting a wedge between us. It's killing me.

Such is life. This too shall pass. But right now. It hurts. Really bad.

So If you can't tell. I'm not okay. I'm broken. In pain. Falling. Alone. No one here to catch me, bring me back.

Great. I just love College.

Too Much?

2010-10-24T02:12:00.000-06:00

Yeah, just maybe.
I need a slow down.
I need to work out these stupid thoughts.
I need some cough syrup.
I don't want to go back tomorrow.
But I'm excited to be back

End of the lawsuit nearing.
What then?
Will it fix me?
no.
Not in the least bit.
Won't make me feel one tiny bit better
or give me peace of mind.
It will probably send me into a Horrible PTSD funk, however.
I've found, that lately, I can hardly say his name and stay emotionally/mentally present.
one step forward. ten steps back.

I'm once again. Broke.
But. I get paid this week.
Well.
To be truthful
I get paid every week.
But.
thats irrelevant

I saw my BGF(best guy friend) and he was no longer him.
We hugged.
He said I was too skinny
We argued about him leaving and not spending time with me.
I left.

Great memories? Oh yeah.
Still friends
Probably not.
Sad part?
I'm madly in love with him
He is in something. . .
With Nestor.
I'm a bit broken.
My heart
my mind.
It physically hurts.
I want him to be happy.
He isn't.
I know.
I see it in his eyes.
It breaks my heart.

Now.
I head to bed with a heavy heart.
Because this post didn't even scratch the surface of what's in my mind/ On my heart.
Just know.
It hurts.

Ever seen a belligerent COW?

2010-10-22T15:49:00.000-06:00

Yeah, me neither.
Must be 'cause they've been domestisized. . .

Need

2010-10-16T00:30:00.000-06:00

I really need to post.
A long, serious post.
But I just don't really want to think right now.
So it will have to wait.
Until I'm ready.
So until then. . .

Ridiculous

2010-10-13T13:53:00.001-06:00

Getting that last post up was RIDICULOUS!! Seriously. The links wouldn't work. It wouldn't let me post pictures…. GRR> But hopefully it works now….

Opinion/ Cloud Nine

2010-10-13T13:43:00.004-06:00

This Is my Cloud Nine Photo.

Holding Precious Liam for the first time… I have to say, the Birth experience Was AMAZING. I cried… Link up here if you want to participate.

I have an opinion. A very strong opinion. On most subjects anyway. Not all. But most. When my opinion gets attacked, I fight back. Not that my opinion is always correct. But, if you don't agree with what I'm saying. Don't attack me. Come to me with compromise and show me other ways of thinking. Because, surprise! You aren't always right either. But, we are entitled to our own opinions. It's not right to argue them. I can believe the sky is blue, or I could believe it's pink. It's my choice. It's not your place to change what I think. Mainly because a detail like that, doesn't matter. Does it hurt you any if I believe the sky is pink? No. So why argue with me? When Someone asks for an opinion. I usually give mine. If I know a little bit of anything on the subject anyway. If I don't have an opinion, I won't share it. It's as simple as that. But. I'm usually strongly opinionated about everything. I didn't used to be as much of a sharer of my opinions, not that they didn't exist. I just didn't share. Over the events of the last few years, I've learned to share what I think about everything. But, I have also learned when to hold my tongue. Like, the topics of SNuggies. I just don't comment. But if it has to do with God, or the Bible. I'm right there.

I however sometimes give my opinion in the wrong mindset. I jump and growl. But this isn't a good quality. I don't want to be known as the girl who will fight you for everything you have just to show you her opinion. I don't care if you agree with my opinion, just don't attack it. Agreed?

Not that you all didn't already know I have an opinion…

More to come….. *Ga5bby

Learning to let go…

2010-10-12T21:04:00.001-06:00

Learning to let go is in no case easy. It's not fun. It's not even pleasant. But, in most cases it has to be done.

My heart weeps for the Ringgold family tonight, actually all day. Sweet Bella fought a long, hard battle and is finally pain free with Jesus. Please take a moment and offer some encouraging words to her family. They also need all the prayer they can get. I can't imagine how difficult this must be. Going in hoping for a cure for their sweet angel, coming out empty handed. They did an amazing thing though. They helped pave part of the way to maybe curing the world of EB. That has not gone unnoticed. They gave the biggest sacrifice they had. My heart is broken.

After reading the post of Bella's passing last night, it really got me thinking. How does one find the strength to let go?

God.

I find it's an ever revolving process, at least for me. I'm still learning.

I'm learning to use Cruise Control when I drive, letting go of being in constant control of my speed. (sorta)

I'm learning to let go of the fear that all Doctors are going to hurt me.

I'm Learning to let go of the memories that come when someone says "Gabby, Breathe"

It's all hard. Sometimes unbearable. But it's all necessary. It's not a quick process, I've been working at most of it for a very long time. But, I know if I give up now, I'll never make it through.

Okay, my spill about letting go is over for now. Let me move on to everyday life.

I have a ton of homework. 3 papers due in the next week. Only one of which I've started. I have an Abnormal Psych exam in the morning, I need to study for. I have 4 articles to read, and journal my thoughts on. I have 4 chapters to read and make 3 questions for each chapter. I have to peer edit a paper. I have to find someone to peer edit my power point presentation. And 3 chapter quizzes to do. The life of a college student, right?

Grr. I can handle it. I'm just annoyed.

My lungs are killing me, I have to see a rheumatologist. Great fun.

My Regular Dr thinks it has to do with inflammation. Also great.

I'm on 2 new inhalers. Twice a day. They make me really absent minded. I don't enjoy it. Dr.W gave them to me Friday, by Sunday my lungs felt much better. Then last night out of nowhere they were killing me again. I laid in bed from like 7 until about 3am. I got up then and took ibuprofen and a sleeping pill. It knocked me out. I had super crazy dreams. But, it was still sleep, something I don't see much of anymore.

Well I really must tackle so of this homework… Until next time *Ga5bby

Over you.

2010-10-04T19:24:00.001-06:00

Grr. I'm annoyed. My dorm room is occupied… So I'm in the commons. It really isn't that bad in here. That's really not what I'm annoyed about. I just get so tired of people thinking everything that ever happens anywhere it their business. It's not really. If someone says something on their blog that isn't true or you don't believe it. Get over it. Okay?

The misfits. That aren't me just invaded my area. Now I am back in my room. Which is now empty. Thank heavens. Grr. I hate this college scene thing. SO what If it's helping me grow and expand as a person. It's stupid and needless. Just let me get an apartment and come here when I have class. Thankyouverymuch. I've been in a pretty rotten mood all day. I need to talk. I'm just not sure how. … GRR… Every time I try to on here. I can't seem to find the words. Which makes me angry. SO I quit….

I'm having lung issues. SO being in constant pain doesn't help any. Called the Doctor. She wants to see me. Friday. Really Friday. That's so far away. Seems like FOREVER. But whatever. It hurts to breathe. Every breath I take feels like someone is poking my lungs. Feels like there is extreme pressure on my chest. It hurts my lung to swallow. Doesn't really make any sense. My inhaler helps for like 2 minutes. It makes my lungs not feel so tight. What's really bothering me is back in January when I was having lung problems, they found a spot on my left lung(I thnk it was the left) but right after that the found the spot in my liver and were more concerned with that and we all just kinda forgot about it until now. I was supposed to have it checked 2-3 weeks later to make sure it wasn't growing. But no dice. I'm hungry. But I know I'll regret eating. Both the process and the after math. Yeah. Food is not my best friend right now. It sounds good and all. I just feel awful as soon as I smell or taste it. Grand. I really want sushi. Like REALLY REALLY. But I know it will make me really really sick. SO I will refrain from fulfilling my desire. I think I'm gonna go get some heat packs for my chest. Or something… Something has to bring relief… Right???

2010-10-03T09:53:00.000-06:00

This is my first time holding precious Liam. I was there for the birth and it was AMAZING. In this picture I had been awake for a good 36 hours. It was crazy. Still paying off my sleep debt.
Liam Joel Perry 6lbs 4oz 17in long,

People frustrate me.

2010-10-03T01:27:00.001-06:00

What joy comes from hurting someone else? Is it fun? No. It makes me feel like crap. Why do others feel it is their 'job' to do so? Reading in a forum tonight I seriously got angry. It's not okay to derail anyone publicly no matter what they did. If you have a problem with someone go to them personally and talk about it. I get so tired of living in a world where everyone acts like 3 year olds. Tattle tattle tattle. Seriously people, give it up. Don't read a blog if you don't enjoy it. Don't be the grief in someones life. It's not fair to them or those around them. I'm not just saying this because I happen to respect said blogger. I fight for people I don't respect also. I may not be thrilled about the current President. But fact is it's not my choice. He is in charge. I HAVE to respect him. You talk bad about him in front of me. You might just meet my fist. And those of you who know me know that I am not a violent person in the least bit. It takes a lot to get a rise out of me. And well this is it. If you aren't old enough to use proper ethics on the internet maybe you should get off and go play with your barbies. GRR.

Seriously, I don't agree with everything on every blog I've ever read. But it isn't my place(or yours) to correct them.

That's a bad choice of words. They don't need corrected. They don't need to hear your opinion. They don't need you to read what they have to say. Just let people have their blogs and GROW UP. Seriously. I realize I've said seriously a lot tonight. But it's better than some of the things I'm thinking, because guess what. i'm human. WHOAjust like you. Just like said blogger. And guess what else. I make mistakes. WHOA I know. I'm way out of line Here. No wait. I'm not. This is my blog. You don't like what I have to say. That's fine. Don't read. It doesn't bother me.

Grr. Okay. That's all. I'll drop it now. I'm just so angry with the way "adults" are handling this. Really angry. SO I'm going to go to bed and try to cool down. Hopefully I will sleep. But I doubt it. Sleep has not been easy lately. Too many nightmares. But still I try? Okay.

Have a goodnight everyone. I will try to post about my beautiful new nephew tomorrow. Probably no pictures. But cross your fingers and maybe the internet at school will let me…. J Gabby

Some light reading. (Will be posting soon)

2010-10-01T18:54:00.001-06:00

Identity

This assignment was about writing a paper on identity, which meant I had to really think about what composes my identity. There are so many different aspects that make up me as a whole. Choosing just four was hard. It took a lot of thought and consideration. But I have chosen what I find to be the four main things that make me well, me.

My family's impact on me has been large. Not in the "My family loves me and is always there" kind of way. More that I've learned so many life lessons from them, the impact, good and bad, really has helped to mold me in to the person I am today. My family is not your normal everyday American family. My parents are divorced. In the last 15 years I've seen my father twice. I have 7 older siblings, 5 from my mother and 2 from my father. My fathers children I've never met. My mom remarried when I was 5.. They divorced when I was 11.

My oldest brother has been into drugs as long as I can remember. Growing up, there was reminder after reminder of what drugs do to a person. My Mom is raising two of his three children. He has shown me the kind of parent I never want to be, and the man I never want to marry. His twin boys, who are now 10, are really amazing considering all that they've been through. They've taught me a deeper love and patience. All my siblings have shown me things I want and don't want to be. All of them who have kids, excluding my oldest brother, are great parents, loving and devoted spouses, smart and caring people. They have helped me to have a more receptive and caring identity.

My Mother, whom I love to pieces, is always there for me. She is an amazing mother and person. Being a single mother isn't easy. But she's always tries to give us what we want. She has shown me that no matter the situation, or the consequence. You do what is needed of you. She has shown me how to be strong person even in hard times, to hold on to what I believe in and stand my ground. Through her I am stronger in my identity.

One of the biggest role models in my life is Debi Schmelzenbach, she's not actually related to me. She's been there for me through the hardest years of my life. She stuck by my side, even when I didn't want to. She offered advice, showed loved, and listened. She is a very Godly woman,. She has taught me true meaning of friendship. That, no matter what happens you stick by those you care about when they need you. Even when they don't realize it's you they need. Debi and my Mother have both shown me real faith in God.

Being homeschooled was an experience I wouldn't trade for anything. I loved it. A lot of people are against it, and I agree that it isn't always the best option. But for me it was. I was able to learn at my pace, for the most part. I didn't have the same peer pressure, for the most part. In the town I grew up in, we had a home school group. So I still got the social interaction. Through it I learned better problem solving skills, as after my Mom and Step-dad divorced when I was 11 I was on my own with getting my schooling done a lot. There wasn't always someone to ask.

I also think I learned how to be a better friend. There wasn't an endless supply of people around like in public school. The friends I made were the friends I had. I learned not to take them for granted and think before I did something that might hurt them. Now, I'm not saying that I've never done those things, I am human. I've just noticed that a lot of the public schooled kids I know, don't really care that much about their friends. If they make one mad they go to the next. I was also brought so much closer to my family through home schooling. It was me and my three older sisters. I was in first grade and my oldest sister was a freshman in high school. We all fought. We all disliked each other. But in the end, we all were closer. The importance of family is something not everyone sees. Being Homeschooled helped me realize it by bringing me closer to them and having to rely on them for a lot of my social interaction.

My medical Challenges have impacted me the most I think. Growing up I was the kid with chronic belly aches. Had tests done at a young age, but nothing ever showed up. Then because of my horrid acid reflux we were referred to a local surgeon who discovered a hiatal hernia. I had my first surgery at the age of 15, then another 3 months later to have my gall bladder removed, and another three months later to remove my appendix. Then there was a nine month break. July 17^th 2008 was the day that changed me forever. Well not the day per se, but the events that followed. The short 1 hour surgery, turned into a multiple hour surgery. The overnight stay turned into 10 days in Evanston, eight of them in ICU, and 4 weeks at Primary Children's Medical Center. Where they found I had Pancreatitis, many infected abscesses in my lungs and abdomen, which required multiple hospitalizations over the next year. In January 2009 I had another 8+ hour surgery at Primary Children's Medical Center to correct the misfortunes done by the previous surgeon, which lead to another 3 weeks in the hospital.

What kind of an impact might this have on a person? Well, personally, I found lying in a bed in the ICU hardly breathing, barely awake, hearing the many Doctors in the room telling your mother that you had less than a 20% chance of survival. It does change someone. Knowing that I'm in the <20% that shouldn't be alive, that I'm really nothing short of a miracle. Knowing that for some reason God wants me personally here has given me a different outlook on life. Maybe even a new zest, though it took me a long time after everything happened to find. It's still there, inside begging to get out. A want to do more with the oh so limited time I know we all have. I realize now how fragile life really is. How much we really need to embrace today. This gives me a more spontaneous identity.

Though, knowing all of this can be really overwhelming at times. Have you ever asked God "why me"? I do every day. The day after I was transferred off ICU the little guy that I shared a room with, not even a year old, passed away. Why him? Why not me? What is it about me that makes my life needed? Why must I live? No one can really answer those questions. We can try. But ultimately only God knows. At that time, I wasn't changed. The aftermath of it all is what really affected me. Realizing things I heard. Understanding why the nurses were crying on more than one occasion is overwhelming some days.

Knowing that the first surgeon did all that he did without really knowing or caring if he was doing it right, or fixing the problem. He was just looking for a paycheck. That can be unbearable. Learning to adjust to life after almost dying, having weeks that I don't remember of my life, learning to eat again. (Something that they never thought I'd be able to do.) Seeing the scars left from it every single day. Knowing that I'm 'different'. It's undeniably hard some days. Going through a law suit, while starting College, it's not exactly easy.

Knowing that the way I view life is different than the average 19 year old girl, knowing that I'll never be "normal". It's all part of what makes me Gabby. It forces me to have a more positive identity. The negative can and does quite often bring me down. If I'm not positive at the roots everything falls apart fast. This part of my life will continue to shape me for the rest of my life I suppose.

My beliefs are what have brought me this far in life, knowing that I'm actually living for something, that when I die I'm going to heaven. Knowing that there is more to life than just things and pleasure, and having assurance that no matter what I do, I'm a child of God. Being a Christian is not always glitter and butterflies. But I always know that God is with me, even though I may not feel Him right at that moment. People always want to know how I can still have faith in God after all I've been through. But the question is how I could not? How could I live my life, a miracle, without praising God everyday for it? Without God, I would without a doubt not be alive right now. It is what keeps me together at the seams. My faith, well it is me, it's why I live, and it's who I am.

I recently went Skydiving. It was the most amazing experience of my life. The place I went to was Tooele Utah, right off the Great Salt Lake. On the plane ride, all I could think was "this is going to be so cool." Oh boy was I underestimating it. Words really can't describe the way I felt, feet on the edge of the plane looking down at the beautiful earth God created. Knowing I was about to jump out in to nothing. Heart pounding, mind racing. Off we went. Falling at 115mph. Being able to see for miles in each direction. Realizing how small I really am. I'm just a speck. I could see so much. Yet, that was just One County, in one State, in one Country.

The world is so big. I don't think I really realized it until that moment. The moment that defines everyone in their life happens at different time, in a different place. That moment for me was 10,000+ feet in the air. Strapped to some man I didn't know. Who controlled my life at that time. It was exhilarating. It was the biggest adrenaline rush of my life. Nothing will ever beat how close I felt to God for those 5 minutes. He was there, showing me his creations. Telling me, I really can trust Him with my entire life. He created that beautiful picture I was able to see up there. He is able to sustain me.

Life is beautiful, fragile, and absolutely amazing. I rest assured that I'm taken care of. Not that I don't have my moments. Again, I am only human. I freak out over things. I get stressed beyond what I believe I can handle. I am in College after all. But at the end of the day I always know where I'm going, and how much I'm loved. Not because I've had a perfect life, and not just by God. I am loved by my family and friends, through the bad and the good. I am loved though my body isn't perfect. I am loved for me and my true identity.

In Which We All Become Confused.

2010-09-28T15:43:00.001-06:00

Well, I'm still in this rut phase. The one where my blogging usually comes to a screeching halt. But. Today I've decide to break out of the normal. If I know what's gonna happen why not change it? Make it the way I want it? So I will proceed to poor my heart out for the next little while. Sit back. Take an Ibuprofen(I already did, twice today). And read on as far as you can handle…. Before I start, did anyone watch my Skydive Video? What did you think? If you didn't Click here (I totally just figured out how to do that. I'm SOOO excited!!!)

Let me start with, I have something going on. Not sure what. Probably Anemia, possibly allergies, Some kind of stomach issue. Fever. Massive headache. And quite frankly it SUCKS. I hardly know anyone here. I look like crap. I feel like crap. And I have no one to take care of me. I don't like it. Growing up has the vacuum effect. Humph.

The food has been awful the last few days. The few meals they feed us anyway. Yesterday I ate, *gulp*, Spam for the first real time. Not that I today Sherry* that. It wasn't as bad as it sounds. Spam… Spoiled ham? That's what it sounds like to me. But I still ate it. In a sandwich. I thought it tasted a lot like those Vienna sausages you can buy in the can? JMO. Today. They had the sandwich station up. I eat there a lot. White bread, turkey, Mayo, Mustard, lettuce, tomato, and onion. If I'm feeling super spiffy I through the yellow banana peppers on. Is there any other color of banana pepper? Banana makes me think yellow… I will have to find that out… Interesting.

My Abnormal Psychology class was cancelled this morning. Well not really. It was never scheduled. None of us realized that until we all were there and started talking. Don't have it Wednesday either. Not that I'm complaining. We are getting into anxiety D/O's. Bit of a touchy subject for me. A lot of what she is trying to explain and make all these people understand is my every day. Though, it has been awhile since I've had a full blown anxiety attack. I can usually hide the mild pretty well. We haven't actually gotten in to PTSD yet. Probably the next class session. I'm not looking forward to it. But refuse to go to her and ask for a pass from it, I do already know a lot about it, but that would be letting it control me. Not to mention I'd feel like a complete mental person. We are after all only talking about a disorder I have. None of them even know I have it. I'd like it to stay that way….

I'm really digging this font. Is it okay for everyone else? Bigger, smaller? Everything?

There's this RA, oh my, does he smell nice! Delightful really. He put me in a better mood just by the way he smelt!

Ever have a thought, a belief, a notion? Ever been afraid to speak because you know how stupid you must sound? Yeah I'm there. That my dear readers is crap. Yes, that happens to be my word of the day. I know in my head how unrealistic my belief is. My body just isn't to the *realistic* point yet. It's still back at the over stimulated scared point. It's not ready to move on so to speak. My body still flips out at the little stuff. Not as bad as it use to. But it still does.

Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

(I love this song!!! Really. LOVE it. Do you know the name? I do. I was just wondering who else here is a Creed fan? I like most of their songs. I just have to be in the right mood for some of them. )

Yeah, that was completely off subject. Sorry. I feel pretty awful. Haven't slept much the last 2 nights, the first night I saw a spider. An unreal spider of course, the size of my hand on the wall by my face. I flew out of bed and turned the light on. Shook out my bedding and realized it was a dream. But then for the rest of the night I felt itchy which kept me awake. Then I was sure that my computer was going to fall off my desk if I didn't move it to my dresser. Okay sure. Then last night I felt awful. Fell asleep around 530pm woke up a few times. Then at 2am I woke up realized my roomie wasn't back, went to head out the door to find her, stopped myself as she does have family in town she was probably with. Then ate some cereal.

****Big News To Come****

I don’t need told.

2010-09-18T16:30:00.001-06:00

I get it. I really do. There are people in harder times than me. I get that. But that doesn't mean I don't have a right to my own feelings about my own life.

If I want to complain about being in a strange town, alone, with nothing to do. I will.

I often feel like crap because of the feelings I have. That's not fair. (Yes I'm regressing back to that stage) I should be able to freely feel my feelings. I shouldn't have to worry who I might offend because somethings happened in their life. Because guess what, my life ain't easy. (Yeah I just said ain't).

I just spent the last hour crying because my carton of milk was spoiled. Great. Was it really the milk I was upset about? Was It the glass of cereal I pour it on to before realizing it was chunky? No not really. It's just milk. It would have made me sick anyway. I don't have money to get anymore. SO I'll eat dinner tonight in the cafeteria and then they'll have dinner tomorrow there too. That's a bit annoying. No I don't like food that much. But I still tend to eat more than once a day. Even if it is gross.

SO then, why was I crying? I'm not sure there's an exact reason. I know I don't want to be here. I know my mom had just called to say she missed me, as this was the first weekend I didn't go home. I know that I've been in this stupid room way too much. I know that I didn't sleep much last night. I know that I feel like CRAP. I know all that. I also know that many other people are having just as crappy of a day today. Should that make me suck it up and get on with life? Probably. Will it? No. I'm not that kind of person. See other people hurting doesn't make me look at my life and say "they've got it worse, I should be happy" because honestly. They really don't have it worse, they have it different. It's still sucky. It still hurts. It just isn't the same.

Surprisingly enough. I'm still sticking to my not talking about it statement earlier. I still haven't talked about "it".

Funny how much this blog really helps me. I doubt that anyone really reads much anymore. I've been an awful blogger. This is how it usually works though.

I blog, a lot get everything out.

I feel better, the blogging slows down.

I get busy, rarely update.

I start to fall apart, the blogging picks up again.

By now I'm in a rut. I hate this stupid rut. I find myself here often.
ß This is me now.

Once again I will stop blogging. Mainly because what I have to say isn't worth saying.

Someone will notice I'm hurting again, pick me back up.

I'll get back in the bloggy system

I'll get feeling okay again.

Ready. Repeat.

This is what I call the Gabby system. Sometimes when this happens it's hardly noticeable. Sometimes, it gets bad. Right now. It's bad.

So, if I disappear. Stop responding. I'll be in dorm 4-113 of Rocky Mountain Hall. Because that's the only place I can go.

As the walls go back up.

2010-09-18T12:49:00.001-06:00

Ever get to the point where talking seems useless? Yeah, I'm there. Good. Probably not. But that's the point I'm living in today. I'm sick of everything here. Never having anything to do doesn't help. Might go swimming later. Woo. Highlight of my week.. Giving up. Packing up. Going home. Yeah right. I wish. I'm stuck. Which makes me hate it even more.

I was up most of the night, horrible stomach pain. Stress? Malnutrition? Yeah. Probably. Finally fell asleep around 830am. My lovely roommate then proceeded to talk loudly on the phone for the next half hour. Thank you. SO glad you could show me the same courtesy I showed you yesterday when I sat in the stupid commons room for 5 hours so you could sleep.

Really? I'm not happy today if you can't tell. I probably won't go swimming. I need my inhaler refilled, still.

Is this post making any sense to you? It's sure not to me. But hey what ever. I can beat around the bush for hours.

Maybe I should just walk home. It's only 95 miles. Or, hitchhike. That would be a new experience….

Trying to Blog from MS Word….

2010-09-17T13:41:00.001-06:00

I'm not sure that this will work. So I might end up sending it to Management to have her post it. But, if it does work, my life would be so much easier. But, for now, there will be no pictures. At least not when I post from school. I'm really digging this font. I hope it stays J.

Honestly Honest.

I'm having a rough time here at school. Not because I'm not making friends. I've made a few. Not because I'm not enjoying my classes, they're quite fun. Next week in Phlebotomy we get to start poking, which slightly scares me. I'm fine with poking others, but having someone, who doesn't know what they are doing poke me…. No thanks. That comes with my fear of student nurses I think. I didn't completely bomb my Abnormal Psych test. Which is a praise. I may have not done so good on the Phlebotomy test yesterday. But I'm pretty sure that I'm just Psyching myself out. Yet. Part of me, hates it here. It may be because there are scary clowns on my wall. Or that it's after 1pm and my roommate is still sleeping. It could be because the food is GROSS or that I'm anemic and my mother hasn't called the nutritionist, and hasn't sent me her number to do it myself. It could be that I haven't seen the love of my life(Wookie) since Sunday. And knowing I have to go another week before I get to is killing me inside. It could be that my feet still hurt. After 4 weeks. And Dr.W said if it's not better next week I really should see the Ortho. Which means missing school, at least one day, as I can't drive all the way to Utah, have an Appointment, and come all the way back in one day, without going insane.

It could be that I still don't have a job. I applied at the hospital yesterday, yes I'm that desperate. They need an X-ray Tech. It could be fun. Not as much physical work as a CNA. Still in the medical field, I really didn't want to work at the hospital here. But, I guess, if I get the job. I'll do it. I also applied at Kmart and Claire's. Both places advertising that they're hiring. Yet, no phone calls. I went to one of the McDonalds. They were stupid. There wasn't even a manager in the building, they didn't know where he went. I asked for the store number so I could apply online. The guy informed me they didn't have a store number. I looked at him like "Are you stupid?" (yes would be the answer to that) Then proceeded to civilly ask for a receipt. Because, you know, that's where the store number is. Well at least I knew that. And most people who have every eaten at a McDonalds Down here in the mountains know that. Yet, He didn't know that?

It could very well be all of that making me hate college. Wouldn't surprise me one bit. But it could also be that without Wookie I'm always alone. Even when I may not be physically I am mentally. The people here don't know my past. They don't know I'm suffering from PTSD. They don't know that Not having consistent treatment for it is making me insane. They don't know, me. While it is nice to just be Gabby. I'm no longer just Gabby. Whether I want it or not, all of my problems are me. There's no one to talk to about these things here. Having Therapy every few weeks, is better than nothing, yet I'm almost afraid to talk. Because, I don't always know, when I'll be there again. With Wookie around. I didn't have to talk. He knew when I was sad. When I needed him to love on me. When I wanted him next to me. He knew how to make me smile. "He's just a dog" you might be thinking. But you're wrong. He's my dog. I love him SO much it hurts some days. To know that he is sad when I'm not with him, hurts even more. We need each other to function. To sleep. To feel at all okay. I just want my Puppy, my baby, my Wookie-Pie.

So today. I'm sad. I sit here. With nothing to do, because I have no class on Fridays. Thinking about how much I miss my puppy. Wanting to go home. Knowing that I can't. I really hate it. I know. Today. There is nothing I can do about it. I know that dorm life, is not for me. The sharing a room. The disgusting food. Not having Wookie with me. I know that ASAP I will have my own apartment. With my puppy. I know, that I can't do this without him. L

I'm not okay right now. Whether that is 'Normal' or not, well I don't know or care. I just want my puppy. I want to deeply talk to someone who knows me. I want a new, or no roommate. Want Want Want. Quite frankly. This SUCKS.

I also want some food I can identify. That doesn't make me sick….

Well, there's my heart. Right on this post. Maybe later, when I'm not hurting so much. I will write more on the good things of college.

I leave you with this amazing video. Watch it, enjoy it . Live vicariously through me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWbkwRsIi0s

Scattered Dreams

2010-09-11T19:08:00.000-06:00

Honestly, nine years ago, I had no earthly idea what was going on. It didn't make sense to me why people would crash planes in to buildings. I didn't fully comprehend death. I did however feel all the emotions. All the hurt. All the fear.

My brother was supposed to be working in the Pentagon that day. My mother frantically called. No answer. His baby. Who was born July 14th of that year, 3 months early. Was in the NICU at Bathesda. Finally, a lot later in the day. Around 5pm. He called. My nephew had been released, out of the blue, the day before. He had been up all night with him and decided to stay home that day. God is good. Very good. I remember that.

I remember the fear. That was everywhere. For the weeks to come.

9-11-10

2010-09-11T18:37:00.002-06:00

2010-09-08T19:41:00.000-06:00

Coming to you from the 4th floor computer lab.... I've been a horrible blogger.... Sorry... College is, well College. And I've just been busy. Hurting my feet didn't help. I'm still in the cast. But discarded the crutches... I was SOOO over them. My toe was doing quite well... Then I caught it on a stupid backpack. I'm pretty much back to square 1 with it. Just with out the purple and blue colors. I’m off the pain meds, for the most part. Still taking Aleve but that’s over the counter. Hoping by this weekend they are doing fine. But I doubt it. As I had to ice my foot earlier because it hurt so bad…. I really don’t want to see an orthopedic surgeon. I don’t trust most surgeons. Except the one I already have. I really don’t want to break in a new one. Humph.

Well in other news. I got 88% on the pop quiz in Phlebotomy. That was nice. An A would have been better. But I’ll take the B. That class is crazy. The Teacher is pretty good but it’s her 1st time teaching… SO she isn’t quite sure on everything. Some of the people in the class drive me bananas. On of the ladies looks angry all the time. If she ever came in to take my blood I would probably cry. Really she’s scary. But most of them are pretty nice. Some have no clue about anything. And make me bananas. But they’re nice….

I have an English paper/draft due tomorrow. But I think It’s pretty much done. Might add a few more things tonight. It’s on Identity. Fun. No. Writing a paper about myself… Not my idea of a good time. Now, writing a paper on Hitler or Michael Jackson, that would be interesting. Me. No not really. Hopefully I do okay in this class. I haven’t written many papers in my schooling. The first one I ever wrote I got a C on last year… Which is passing….

I miss Wookie SO much. It’s breaking my heart being away from him. I hate sleeping alone. I hate not waking up and having him come lick my hands and face so excited to see me. I hate always being alone, when I’m alone. It’s new to me. He is always in the room with me at home. Usually right next to me. Chewing on my pants. Trying to kiss my face. Biting my hands. I really miss him. Next semester I’m gonna have to get an apartment. One that will allow me to have Wookie. Most will with the notes I have. SO it shouldn’t be too hard…. I haven’t been sleeping well without him. Or much at all. I just lay there a lot. It’s not much fun. I look forward to the weekend all week. And hardly leave him the whole time I’m home. I know it’s not normal to miss my dog more than my family. But its true. I love him. SOOO much. I talk to him on the phone some nights. Sounds silly, but its true. He really is mans best friend. Or womans in this case.

All the pain stuff I’ve had to take has really done a toll on my body. I’ve had a headache ALL day. It’s pretty miserable. My stomach hurts most of the time. My kidneys aren’t happy with me. My liver. Well we don’t talk that often so I don’t really know… ;)

Management will be posting this when she gets a chance!! I do love her. Thanks again!!!

Well. . .

2010-08-28T14:51:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the lack of posts. It's been pretty crazy here. I'm all settled in to my dorm. Not too sure about the roomie... Work in progress....

Oh and I wanted to thank "Management" for posting for me. As the internet at college resets itself too often to publish a post... I've lost a few long posts because of this. . .
College is good. I'm becoming very good friends with an already friend Meghan. We have great fun together. :)

Classes are crazy. I'm taking, Abnormal Psych, English, Phlebotomy, and Drawing. All of which I'm excited about. Kinda weird, all my Teachers are female. Not bad. Just weird. Last year was mainly male. So it's a change. My schedule is pretty open. Except Tuesdays and Thursdays, on which I have class pretty much from 1-9pm. And then on Monday and Wednesday I have one class at 11am that gets over around noon. And Friday-Sunday I have off. SO this weekend I came home.

Okay, this post is going to be all over the place. Sorry. I have a lot to recap. It won't really be in any order either. Just there.

Last Saturday I went on a hike. It was around 6 miles round trip. Really fun. We hiked up to a lake and had a picnic and hung out. Heard some good preaching. All the stuff Baptists do. Well, on the way down. Maybe a mile into it. I had stayed back with J and her three yearold so she didn't have to walk alone. As the three year old has short legs. We came to a scary bridge. I should have taken pictures. I made it across carrying Wookie. Get to the end go to get off 'cause J was about to me carrying her little man,. Well I jump off maybe 5 inches. Hit a rock and hurt my foot. Well then I had to make a choice. sit in the woods all alone or walk the remaining 2 miles. So I walked the rest of the way down the mountain. Got to the van. and bout died from the pain. The other Church group we were with had an ice pack. I was so thankful!!! Okay. Sounds painful enough right there right? Well SUnday for check in at College I was on crutches. Went to change in to some shorts so had taken the shoe off the none hurt foot. Made it about a foot caught my pinky toe on the none hurt foot on the crutch. It's broken. Purple and broken. Great. To top it off. Have I ever mentioned how easily I bruise? Like a peach. By the time I got back to my dorm Sunday night My underarms and ribs were purple. I could hardly move. I had this icy hot roll on stuff so I used it. Burning. Horrible burning. I read the back. "A transient burning may occur open application on skin, if so it usually disappears in several DAYS." Okay. I wasn't uncomfortable enough to begin with right?

So I've been taking 600mgs of ibprofen around the clock since Saturday. Well except today because we don'
t have any in the house. I am in so much pain and my foot is huge.It's tearing up my stomach though.. I have been in so much pain from taking it. But can't walk much if I don't. Catch 22.

So I'm no longer on any stomach meds. Just vitamins. . . It's been nice. I'll explain that more later.

I Had so much fun Skydiving. But that deserves its own post. :)

Status Report

2010-08-26T23:03:00.000-06:00

Dear Readers,

Due to technical difficulties with the internet at college, Gabby is unable to update her blog at this time. Posts will resume as soon as a solution is found.

Sincerely,
The Management

Any Ideas?

2010-08-15T22:35:00.000-06:00

What I did Yesterday?

Here.

2010-08-09T00:36:00.000-06:00

I'm stressed.

I'm supposed to be going to college in less then 3 weeks.

Don't have a dorm yet.

Or my award letter from financial aid.

It's crap.

I didn't want to go in the first place.

But I agreed.

Now.

I've quit my job.

Dropped my classes.

Told everyone I was leaving.

Yet.

Right now.

I don't see how it will be possible.

I don't have the money.

Yes.

I could probably get a bunch of student loans.

But that just doesn't sound great.

Especially when I could have stayed here and done it for free.

I've had a crappy day.

It's my Besties 18th birthday.

We were supposed to have a pudding fight.

Didn't happen.

Then I find out the I probably won't be having a off to college party.

Unless I throw it myself.

But really...

Why would I do that.

J told me that she wasn't sure because of some issues.

So I lied.

I said my mom wanted to throw one.

Which really isn't a lie.

She does want to throw one.

But she doesn't have the money.

Crap.

She didn't have the money to pay my dorm deposit.

No big deal.

I don't need one.

Right?

Crap.

Why is this such a big deal to me?

Why do I care so much?

It's not like I'll be gone forever.

Or won't ever see these people.

Well.

As you can tell.

I'm not exactly

Fine,

Or anywhere close really.

I want to cry.

I want to throw in the towel on this whole college thing.

Who cares about the future?

I just want to be DONE.

I have so much other stuff to blog about.

I just don't have the gunction.

Sorry.

You've Yet To Convince Me

2010-07-30T11:10:00.000-06:00

The new blogger annoys me.

It is a pain to get me signature at the bottom instead of the top.

What good would it do there?

Well...

Big stuff is happening here.

Really big.

I leave for camp Sunday.

Not for me.

I will actually be working at this camp.

It will be fun.

Saturday, before I leave, I have to go shopping with my Church to get the stuff for this camp.

Saturday night will be great fun.

I'm going to a Sara Evans concert!

With Danny somebody opening.

I have like a bunch of laundry to do before then.

I have to work today.

And will be gone ALL day tomorrow.

Guess I didn't want sleep anyways.

Well, I'll get back Friday, have a whole day of busies.

Saturday the 7th, well that's gonna be the best day.

I'm taking my mom Skydiving!

I can't wait!

It's going to be SO fun.

So on top of all of that taking up the first part of my August.

I have to pack.

Why?

Well, I'm off to College by the 25th of August.

Probably closer to the 20th.

Mom is pretty much making me go.

"But you are 19."

Yeah, I know this.

But, it makes her happy.

It's not the going away to College that I don't want to do.

It's the going to that College.

Its the leaving Wookie behind.

It's going to just about KILL me....

I love him.

:-/

random tidbit

2010-07-27T02:10:00.002-06:00

1. My favorite thing to eat is radishes. I think the are amazing.
2. I sleep with an electric blanket, even in the Summer.
3. I hate seeing snot on someones face, which normally occurs in kids. I will wipe it on my pants if I have to, just keep your face clean!
4. My favorite book is Gullivars Travels. Read it, it's wonderful.
5. I long to own a hardback of Gullivars Travels. My life will not be complete until I do.
6. I'm in love with my dog. He is my child and I don't know what I'd do without him.
7. My day starts around noon and ends around 2-3am
8. My College major changes between Psychology and R.N. daily. I think I'll just do both.
9. I LOVE sushi. I could eat it everyday. for the rest of my life!
10. I love to cook.
11. I am not obsessed with Twilight.
12. I love the rain.
13. I like to be the boss. Whether I know what I'm doing or not, listen to me.
14. I've had over 20 CT scans in the last 2 years.
15. I've had a blood transfusion before.
16. I can handle shots, IVs, PICC Lines. And G tubes. But the thought of getting another piercing makes me slightly nauseous.
17. I choose to be blonde. I don't care if other people like it, because I do.
18. I love my car. Bashed in door, broken reflector beam and all. Mostly because it's paid off. ANd I'm the one who paid for it. Makes it much more worth it.
19. I'm going sky diving August 7th, with my mom. It will be amazing and we can't wait.
20. I have 7 older siblings, 6 nieces, 9 nephews and one one the way.
21. My nephew Carter(3) has finally started calling me Auntie, most of the time, and it melts my heart. I will pretty much give him anything when he does it.
22. I love to blog!
23. Most of the people I'm close to don't live in town, I haven't even met 2 of them!
24. I will ride any rollercoaster, even the rocket. But the thought of going on the Farris Wheel causes me grief.
25. I sometimes forget the Wookie isn't human. And have thought things like, "if you want another one just ask." Or "where are your glasses?" I think I might be crazy!

Ketchep

2010-07-24T12:04:00.000-06:00

It's been awhile.

I couldn't even tell you what I said in my last post.

Without looking.

The absence of blogging,

Well I wish I could say I've been too busy.

With fun summer things.

But truth is.

My health has gone down hill.

Fast.

I am nauseous all the time.

I am in pain all the time.

I have a sinus infection.

A bladder infection.

Bursting cysts.

All the super fun stuff.

I've had an x-ray

I've had an ultrasound.

Oh, the stupid ultrasound.

The couldn't see anything.

They had to do it internally.

The stupid probe was the size of a vacuum hose.

OUCH!

I have hardly eaten anything since Sunday.

Maybe 5oz since Wednesday.

Let me tell you:

For someone who struggles with gaining and maintaining weight.

Going even a day with out eating causes havoc.

I called in to work on Thursday.

I couldn't even sit up.

But felt slightly better yesterday.

So off to work I went.

I lasted an hours and a half.

Then got sent home I felt so awful.

I will try again today.

I still feel awful.

But hate calling in.

We'll see I guess.

Well, me?

2010-07-16T02:43:00.000-06:00

Well, as my trusty followers know.

I'm not big on these blog carnivals.

Every once in awhile maybe.

But I decided to participate this week

It's "Show Us Your Single Boys"

Obviously I'm not a boy.

Well obvious to me anyway.

Girls are welcome too. :)

Well.

I could say that I love deep talks and longs walks.

Which I do.

But I also love talks about nothing.

I love food.

Not so much to eat it.

To be around it.

Maybe have a bite.

I love to cook it!

I like to actively be doing stuff.

Sitting is not good for me.

I often fall asleep. :P

I like video games.

Gears of War.

Fairytale Fights.

Anything that involves ~~violence~~ me actively playing.

I hate clinginess.

If I need a minute.

Give it to me.

I have health issues.

If that won't work for you.

Fine.

Don't be like some and ask me to change what I can't.

I'm not looking for a fling.

I won't put out.

I will however.

Take the time to get to know you.

I will if it's Gods will,

learn to love you.

I will make you my everything.

Body and mind.

I won't be your mother.

Or that crazy girl that won't leave you alone.

I won't, in the first month, drop my whole life for you and follow your lead.

You can wear the pants.

But I won't be in the back watching.

Wow.

I sound.

~~Snobby?~~

Really.

Snobby?

That's not my personality.

Really.

I am learning what I do/don't want and am tired of settling for less.

I know.

I'm young.

Give it time?

Right.

Well.

Leave me a comment if you are interested.

Guys only please. ;)

*****My won'ts WILL change. On what God has me to do.*****

2010-07-14T00:32:00.000-06:00

I
am
tired.

Tomorrow is my day off.
I am thrilled.
I plan to ~~sleep~~ get this house clean.
Put my application for housing in.
Go get my financial aid in order at the college.
Find a new ob/gyn
Find my rheumatologist's number.
~~Take a nap~~

I don't know that my plans will happen.
But it's what I need to do.

So.
How's Gabby?
Well.
I would like to say.
Great.
But.
I have to say fine.
Anything wrong with fine?
No.
But I want to be great.

People who are great.
Don't have nightmares.
People who are great.
Don't suffer from anxiety.

Humph

2010-07-12T01:05:00.000-06:00

Humph
I have not felt like blogging lately.
At all.
Actually.
To be quite honest,
I’ve felt like crap lately.
Not so much physically.
Though,
the last few days have been rather hard.
Emotionally.
I’ve felt like someone has taken a swing and knocked me down.
I can’t get back up.
I’m not usually this easily discouraged.
Yes,
I struggle with depression.
I struggle with MAJOR depression.
But I said I struggle with it.
Meaning I’m fighting back.
Not losing to it.
I just can’t shake this awful funk.
What started it?
Well,
best I can tell,
Andrew.
Like my recent Ex-boyfriend.
Really.
It’s silly.
We weren’t even together a month.
We didn’t know each other a month.
Yet.
He has left me in a funk.
It doesn’t help that today is the anniversary of Jonny’s death.
For those of you who don’t know,
Jonny was a guy I dated,
Before I got sick.
He was amazing.
Different from any guy I’ve ever met.
He was killed in a car accident.
Last year.
July 12th.
One year and one day before.
was the day we met.
I liked him from the getgo.
I think he liked me.
He tolerated me at least.
I was a different person back then.
Oh, boy was I.
I still can’t believe he is gone.
I didn’t find out for ten days.
When I got a text from his mom saying.
“I don’t know if you heard but Jonny was killed in a car accident last week”
Really.
That’s how it played out.
A text.
Might as well let me hear it through gossip.
Because seriously.
I had already missed the viewing and funeral
Why tell me at all.
I know I sound bratty.
But it really hurt me.
Then.
His mother has then nerve to show up at my house and feed me this big bunch of crap story about how her husband beats her so she left him and her daughter admitted her to a psyche hospital for no reason, she was homeless and didn’t have money for food.
Her whole family had disowned her.
It went on.
I cried.
For hours.
After all.
Everyone deserves to eat, right?
Well a few months later.
After giving her much support.
I found out,
through DFS,
where my mom works,
that it was a load of crap.
She was a hooker.
Got arrested.
That’s where it all began.
I was flabbergasted
I haven’t really talked to her since.
After all.
She did lose her son.
She had already lost one.
Many years ago.
But still.
I just quietly backed out.
I didn’t want confrontation.
or her in my life.
She texts me every now and again.
I don’t reply.
I don’t like being used.

In other news.
I have had an awful stomach ache since Friday.
I had an awful back ache Wednesday and Thursday.
Then Friday my stomach.
Saturday it just got worse.
Some with today.
Hoping
It’s not cysts, again.
But thinking,
It probably is.
I don’t want to deal with it.
But nothing is relieving the pain.
I spent a half hour in the bathroom on the floor
at McDonalds.
On Saturday because it hurt so bad.
But they were short handed so I was not able to go home.
I hate feeling awful.
:(

Well Humph...

2010-07-10T00:51:00.000-06:00

Goodness.

It has been too long since I blogged.

Really blogged.

Like about my day.

My thought.

My feelings.

It's late tonight.

But I'm gonna try.

Well, Boyfriend and I,

we broke up.

On my Birthday.

Great.

He was being a jerk.

I was over it.

That was the end.

Today.

He came through the drive-thru.

I hid.

Childish...

Yeah.

But I didn't want to deal with him.

I've worked eveyday since Tuesday.

I'm pooped.

But, I only have tomorrow.

Then I have Sunday off.

WHOO.

Maybe I will get rested.

Or get something productive done.

Probably neither.

I have been so achey lately.

My back, and fingers are the worst.

But my knees and hips also hurt.

I hope it's not arthritis.

I was told a few years ago

I would probably develop it.

I don't want it.

I'll be happy to give it back.

On the apartment front.

I still haven't turned in my application.

I worked all week.

But I have Wednesday off.

So maybe I will get er done then.

I am greatly considering moving in with my manager, Rebecca.

But if I can get a place for cheaper that would help me out so much.

We'll see I guess.

Not. My. Words.

2010-07-07T01:34:00.002-06:00

Tonight.
I was asked advice from a new friend.
Me, I'm not much of a talker.
But I opened up.
I gave my testimony.
I poured my heart.
I let God speak through me.
I showed His love.
Not the best I knew how.
It had nothing to do with me.
But the best HE knew how.
It ended.
With her deciding to take the time to pray herself.
For herself.
Which is all I could ask for.
Maybe.
Soon.
She will come to Church with me.
Not because Church saves.
But because it helps.
I know that.
Well.
It's almost 2am
I need to sleep.

Hanging

2010-07-04T13:14:00.002-06:00

Sorry I haven't been on here since the scope. All good news from it. My stomach is less than half the size of what it should be. Plus it is hyper sensitive. Along with my bile problem. Well they aren't very good problems to mix. But eating, very small (like a jar of baby food), very healthy (like NOT McDonalds) meals, often, should help. A bunch. I'm working on it. I've already lost a couple lbs. So it should be fun trying to keep my stomach and weight on track. When they need separate things.

So I guess to you that doesn't exactly sound like good news. But to me. I'm thrilled. No surgery. Maybe no Mayo Clinic.

Happy 4th of July!

Time for BBQin', family, friends, and fireworks!

Rebekah made it and we have had fun so far, pretty much doing nothing :)

2days.

2010-06-30T12:10:00.002-06:00

In 2 days.
It will be my Birthday.
I will be 19.
Old right?
I will no longer have state insurance.
I'll still have it through my mom.
80/20
Which is better than me paying 100

But not as good as being 100% covered.
The Mayo doesn't accept state insurance anyway.
I know there are many people out there who have no insurance.
So why am I griping?
I'm not really.
Just throwing it out.
Because my head is pretty full these days.
So.
My best friend will be here for my Birthday.
First time in 10 years.
I'm stoked!
But.
I'm pretty sure
I already mentioned that.

I shampooed my carpet last night.
My room looks so much better.
Except the piles of clothes on my bed.
And bags of clothes in my window.
I should work on that today.
I just hate going through clothes.
I want to keep them all.
Even though I only where maybe half of them.
Still.
I like them.
Just not on me.

I also hate to get rid of them because my weight changes all the time.
If I just keep the ones that fit
I will have to buy more next week.
I don't want to do that.

Humph.
I'm off to be productive.
And take a nap.

Not me.

2010-06-29T19:39:00.002-06:00

I'm a little late with this post.
Yesterday was not great.
So I will post my Not me's today.

It was not me who found my puppy in the living room chewing on my very expensive bra.
My dog is very well trained and would never do anything of the sort.
It also was not me who argued with a co-worker for a good 5 minutes about whether or not they were going to make the food I needed.
I did not win.
Eventually.
It was not me who informed the manager that someone was giving out dead fries.
They did not get in trouble.
I did not feel a sense of satisfaction.
It was not me, and a few of my Co-workers that laughed hysterically after a little boy ran through lobby screaming "I have to poop!" and holding his bottom.
We are much more professional than that.
It is not me who is so excited I can't stand it that Rebekah will be here in 3 days.
Nope.
Not me.

Monday.

2010-06-28T21:38:00.002-06:00

It's Monday.
If that doesn't say enough.
I worked.
For the first few hours with a bunch of U-16's
I don't like being a babysitter.
They don't know how to do their jobs.
Except Georgie.
I do love Georgie.
She came with me to get my tattoo.
Oh, I got a tattoo.
Last month.
It was interesting.
I love it though.
:>)

I will put a picture up.
Sometime.

I'm over it.
Not the tattoo.
But this mess.
Of life.
Grr.

Oh the plus side.
The very plus side.
Rebekah will be here Friday.
Oh goodness.
I'm so very excited.
Just as excited as I was in December
When she came to Utah
For Christmas.
And then came here for a few days.
Silly me.
Only got one picture of her.
But this time.
Be prepared.
There will be many.
:>)

Humph...

2010-06-28T00:01:00.002-06:00

I had a nice talk.
Not a long talk.
But a nice talk.
With J
It was overdue.
It was helpful.
I need to keep in the habit of talking to her.
I always feel better after I do.
She helped.
She said things I already knew.
But, in a different way?
I guess.

Some nights.
Like tonight.
I'm stressed.
I'm grumpy.
I'm 'over it'.
I belong to God.
Not to anyone else.
I don't like someone keeping 'tabs' on me.

I feel smothered.
Tired.
Like a pack mule.
I want to be understood.
Without talking.

Tonight.
My Church had service in the mountains.
It's fun.
Despite the bugs.
Dirt.
Nature.
I went.
In a normal Church service.
I do okay.
Not too much fellowship.
A lot of sitting and listening.
Well that wasn't the case tonight.
It took every fiber of my being.
Not to lose it.

I don't get along with people.
Really.
It takes a lot of work for me to smile at anyone.
I sit and think, "would you just go away?"
Rude.
Selfish.
But true.

I used to do well in big groups.
Not anymore.
Being in a room.
Or house.
With my mom.
Maybe a visitor.
For months.
It didn't do good for me.

Which brings me to camp.
I wanted to go.
I should have gone.
But.
Me.
On a bus.
With a bunch of teenagers.
For 10+ hours.
Then.
At a camp.
With 500+ teenagers.
For 5 days.
Waking up early.
Going to bed late.
Going to bed at all.
Me waking everybody up with my screaming.
Because, that still happens.
Then.
Being stuck in the cabin for the rest of the night.
Nights without sleep.
A room full of people eating.
Being away from Wookie.
Lots of walking.
Uphill.
Having to admit that I am not strong enough to go on the hike.
More walking.
10+ more hours on a bus.
Finally home.
Emotionally exhausted.

I would not have been able to handle that.
I know it.
So I didn't go.
By choice.
But.
It still hurts.
I hate how much this affects my everyday life.
How much I miss out on.
How much it still hurts.
I hate that I'm afraid to go places.
Especially overnight.
I hate the nightmares.
Oh, how much I hate them.

Who?

2010-06-26T20:18:00.002-06:00

I feel crappy.
Like everybody wants me to be someone, something different then I am.
Like I'm not good enough.
When did I stop being good enough?

I don't know what to do.
I try not to care.
I say I don't care.
But honestly.
I care.
I care.
I really do care.
I want to be everything for everyone.

Humph.
I'm tired.
I'm sunburned.
I'm annoyed.
I'm over it.
But not in the sense that I no longer care.
But, that I don't like it.
I don't want to deal with it.
GRR.

Giving Some...?

2010-06-26T13:43:00.003-06:00

Okay.
This is getting ridiculous.
He wants me to sacrifice things for him.
The only thing keeping me from him is my health issues.
How do I give up that?
It's not a choice.
It's not a hobby.
It's just what is.
The sky is blue.
The grass is, usually, green.
I don't ask him to change that.
I don't ask him to change anything, actually.
Humph.

Relationships.
Well, they're complicated.
They're confusing.
They're emotional.

There are many things he wants me to change.
Am I not good enough?
Can he not learn to love me for who I am now?
Why do I have to change?

Granted.
I'm not perfect.
I'm not even close.
I am willing to change the things I can for him.
I wish I could change the things I can't.
But him asking me to.
It doesn't feel okay.
Him saying I should be willing to go out even when I feel like crap.
It's not okay.
I always feel bad.
When it gets to the point that I stay home.
It's really bad.
I don't like feeling guilty,
for something I can't control.

I like him.
A lot.
Really.
I do.
But.
Is it worth this?
Is he worth this?

He says he wants my complete trust.
Today.
I say,
I've not known you a month yet.
Give it time.
Give me time.
He doesn't understand that.
He thinks I should be able to depend on him for everything.
Leaving my life behind.
Well, babe.
You aren't God.
You will make mistakes.
I will be hurt.

Do I risk it?

Boys....

2010-06-26T00:29:00.001-06:00

Seriously.
I don't play games.

Carter

2010-06-25T15:17:00.003-06:00

Okay, so these pictures really have nothing to do with my trip.
I just love this little boy SO much.
These are older pictures of him.
He is so big now.
Makes me sad.
Though, him finally starting to call me Auntie.
That makes me very happy.
I don't have any recent pictures of his baby brother.
Who is now a toddler.
And there will soon be a new baby brother.
I guess I should take them and get some photos.
They are SO cute after all.

Humph.
I need to go to the store.
I've gotten nothing done today.
Except my psychology appointment.
Which was hard.
So I guess that is something more then nothing.
Maybe later I will write on it.
For now.
I will ponder it.

Adventuring.

2010-06-24T17:14:00.002-06:00

Okay, does this gas station not look like it's stuck in the 80's?

There was a lot of this on the drive.....

I loved that this was the only cloud in the sky, slightly peeking over the mountain.
I am not a city girl, I do love the city, but my heart is here, in the fields and mountains.
I love how peaceful it all is. For part of the drive we'd pass a car maybe every 15+ minutes.
It really was wonderful.
I have many more pictures.
But I don't want to overload you. So I will do a few a post for the next few posts.
I found I love taking pictures.
Really love it.
I want one of those fancy smancy cameras.
But, knowing me, I'd break it.
There were many things I wanted pictures of.
But didn't want the awkward "why are you taking a picture?" conversation.
My camera is not the best, but not awful.
Much better than my phone, anyway.
So, like it or not, I will be taking pictures and sharing them like crazy.

I have a scope next Thursday, July 1st.
The 2nd is the day we celebrate my birth, annually.
Also known as my Birthday.
But this year, or the last 18, have not actually been my 'birthday'.
I was only 'born' once....
Physically anyway.

Oh goodness!
I have many picture of 'horny toads'!
Big ones, little ones.
Oh, do I love them.
I love that the twins go out, daily, in the summer and catch them.

I don't know about you. But, I'm feeling different.
Summer. Vacation. Single. Again.
That may be it.
Last week, it was snowing.
I was in a relationship.
This week.
It's pushing 80.
I'm single.
Again.
And very okay with it.
Maybe too much?

I got to get away for a few days.
Sorta.
Out of Evanston at least.
That counts as vacation for me.
I will be doing it again.
Soon.
I'm in College.
Single.
Nothing to tie me down.
Why stay put?
I will be adventuring as much as my body will physically let me.
With the way I can push on, that's a lot.
Not more days of just sitting around the house.
I'm alive once again.
I'm ready to attack the world.
Or at least the town.

There is a wonderful lake.
About 45 minutes away.
It has a nice little beach.
It's calling my name.
Can you hear it?
Maybe an overnight trip?
With some good girl friends?
Oh that sounds wonderful.
I will get right on that.

There are mountains, all around me?
Maybe a drive?
A lovely hike?
( I just reread that to find I had put hick instead of hike. Yeah, that's Evanston.)

Life is short.
Lets make it fun.
Real fun.
Sober fun.
Honest fun.

Well.
I'm gonna get off this computer.
GO play with my boys.
Maybe soccer?
Water balloon fight?
A nice walk?
All sound fun.

Fathers Day

2010-06-20T20:58:00.002-06:00

This will not be a happy post. Not because I don't have plenty of this to be happy about. Just because this is my blog, I'm gonna post whats on my heart.

I don't like Fathers day. Main reason: my father is a flake. I have not seen him in over 5 years. 5 or so years ago, I saw him twice. Before that it was 9 years. I would not even recognize him if he came in to McDonalds. I would bet on it.

Not many people get it. It hurts. It hurts everyday. Many things remind me that I do not have a Father. I had a step-dad for 5 years. Well, just over that. He was worse then my real dad.... Which is real bad, if you didn't catch that.

I get it, everyone has gone through hard times. Does it make it any easier to know that? No. No it doesn't. Actually it almost makes it worse. To know that others feel pain too... It just about kills me.

I'm over asking why.... I don't really want to know why. Because, it doesn't matter why. What matter is 'is'. What is: my father isn't around. Never has been. Probably never will be. IT SUCKS!!!!

My father has never done the things a father should do: teach me how to throw a ball, ride a bike, scare the pants off my boyfriends. And that will continue. He will never walk me down the aisle. Be called in the middle of the night being ushered to come help welcome his grandchild.
My children will probably never know him. Would I want them to? Would I want to make them vulnerable for this hurt from him. For them to feel grandpa doesn't think they are important enough to be there for them. All of that? It kills me.

It kills me to know that I was never good enough to make him stay.
To know that something about me, made him want to be gone. To stay gone.

Don't pull the whole "it usually has nothing to do with the child, but more so the parents." I have heard that. And rationally I know it's true. But this is what I'm feeling tonight. Not what is rational.

Okay, I'm done being a downer. I won't explain the rest of my day, like the many tears, break ups, arguments. But know. It was bad.

I'm headed out of town tomorrow. won't be home till wed/thurs. But should have service to update. We'll see... If not. I will as soon as I get back. If I had any idea where my camera was, I would take pictures. But I don't. Sorry.

These Stupid Walls...

2010-06-20T16:37:00.001-06:00

I am so sick of this stupid house. I can't stand it. My friends are always busy. SO here I sit. I hate it. I really hate it.

Stupid ER....

2010-06-19T00:40:00.002-06:00

Well, I spent my day in the ER, at least most of it anyway. From about 4-9pm. I went to work around 3pm, feeling yucky. Told the manager on floor I didn't feel good and would like to go home, she refused. I continued to work. About 330 I told her I was feeling worse and wanted to go home, she again refused. I continued to work. Everything seemed harder then usual. Hearing, speaking, standing. The room started moving. I started calling for Maggie(the other manager whom I LOVE but wasn't on floor.), then I hit the floor. I hate the feeling of passing out. The unable to do anything about it, the losing control of my limbs, the going blank. Then Maggie was right in front of me, helping me off the floor, telling the other manager to get someone else in my position. That's where it began. SHe called my mom, I obviously couldn't drive. I was white as a ghost, clammy, and disoriented. Mom came and got me. We debated on going to the ER, then decided to.

**** Guys, you may not want to continue reading as I'm going to talk about woman stuff****

Okay. I have problems with my ovaries, have for years. Cysts bursting, bad cramping, the whole works. So a few years ago, after the surgeon removed some cysts, he referred me to an ob/gyn. Who put me on the pill. It has helped tremendously, until the last 8 months, so in January my DR switched which pill I was on. First month, great. Second month, not so much. My DR wanted to try it for a few more months to see if things would regulate, they haven't. So all of that to say this: I had a normal period in May. Then 4 days later started again. Heavier then I've ever been. Well that was 23 days ago, I'm still on, heavy. So I figured that may have something to do with it. Thought blood tests would be a good idea. So to the ER we went. It really wasn't that bad. The DR I had, we didn't used to like, she once to my mom to shut up, but she has greatly improved her bedside manner. Oh, on the way to the ER my arm started going numb. Like when there isn't blood flow. Then it started aching. So because it was my left arm. The ran a bunch of heart tests. Luckily, because I fainted, I was place immediately in a room, they didn't want the risk of it happening again in the waiting area. But it was super busy. So after a good 5+ hours I am home, with no answers for anything. Which really stinks. But is good. I'm glad that it wasn't/isn't anything major, but still want answers.... You know?

A Bit Random.

2010-06-18T00:08:00.002-06:00

So tonight, I'm tired of all the things in my life. Looking for a break. Glad I have next week off ... Need somewhere to go. So, you get this random post. I'm gonna start with things I love.

I love...
Vanilla ice cream.
Rain. Especially the smell.
Wookie. Even when he's a brat.
Sushi.
Warm clothes out of the dryer.
Sweet tea
Cheese Pizza.

Things that bug me....
When people say "This is way past a joke" when it wasn't a joke to begin with.
Being lied to.
Having the same question asked over and over.
Meatloaf.
Meatpies.
Bugs, all of them.
Children that don't listen.
Fighting.
Waiting, for anything.

Now, these are just a few of the things that love or bug. Why? Well, it's 1230am. I'm not sleeping. Why not?

I had a fight with my sister. Kinda. I didn't fight much, just told her to stop. I'm not gonna go into details, tonight. Things aren't great. I miss my nephews. A lot. She is pregnant, everyone keeps telling me to cut her some slack because of that. No, I don't think so. She wasn't being emotional, she was being flat out cruel to undeserving children, I stopped it. Nothing physical. But that doesn't make it okay. Then she started on me. Yeah, at that point, I lost it. Not on her. just broke down. Yeah, this is me not getting in to it? Okay, moving on.

I need somewhere to go, for a few days. To get away from this all. Or, well or nothing. I just need it. But, have nowhere to go. Sad. I'm so over due for a vacation. The only away time I've had for the last 2 years has been hospital.... I don't think that counts. :( I need to find a snack, and go to bed. Not that either will happen, just what I need.