Details to Come...

More details to come... But that will be a very long post with many stories and a lot to cover! Things that I am SOOO excited about! :) A long with a blog to come in addition to highlight the planning of a certain event to take place in a few months :) and then change my life forever! :)

I don't WANT to talk about it.

Really it's that simple. I should. I NEED to. But I just don't want to talk. I don't want to smile. I don't want to exist. And then with a single text from him... My whole day turns around. It's like I dig myself into a pit everyday and he walks by and casually pulls me back out. And honestly... I'm not sure how I feel about him. But It's new. So the things I don't want to talk about can sit and fester... While I refuse to talk. And he refuses to let me be down. Really, it's that simple...

IPhone

Trying to blog from my iPhone for the first time... Not sure how it will work!
I want to write something today that is encouraging, uplifting , inspirational, thought provoking. But right now I just don't have it in me. I have a broken heart. I have broken wings. Im stuck on the ground at the moment, hurting. Trying so hard to keep a smile on my face. But it is getting hard. I'm not sure how much more I can take! I'll try and right more later. Just pray for me if you have the time please. I really need it...

IPhone

Trying to blog from my iPhone for the first time... Not sure how it will work!
I want to write something today that is encouraging, uplifting , inspirational, thought provoking. But right now I just don't have it in me. I have a broken heart. I have broken wings. Im stuck on the ground at the moment, hurting. Trying so hard to keep a smile on my face. But it is getting hard. I'm not sure how much more I can take! I'll try and right more later. Just pray for me if you have the time please. I really need it...

Do You Realize?

Do you realize that everything you say, everything you do, will impact someone's life? The smallest comment you don't even remember making could hurt someone deeper than you could know. On the flip side of that, you might not realize what you said gave someone that push they needed to keep going.

I'm not doing so great. Plain and simple. In fact. I think I'm lower than rock bottom right now. Life has thrown me a curve ball, and I'm not handling it. I can put a smile on my face and say "I'm fine". That doesn't make me fine though. It doesn't make me not hurt. It doesn't make life any easier. It doesn't make this pit any less dark. I spend a lot of my energy holding myself together. Not letting anyone in. Especially the people closest to me.

I'm a really lucky person. I know this. Even more so now. I have some women in my life who are determined to help me back up. They won't take no for an answer. Instead of condemning me for how I feel. Instead of writing it off. Acting as though it's my fault. They aren't giving useless advice and walking away. They are saying "Hey I know you're in a pit. And I know how you feel. I'm here and I'm gonna help you back out. Let me hold your hand through this. Let me in let me help. I will come to you and lead you back out."
And that is more than I could have ever asked for or deserved.

Dirt.

If your goal was to make me feel like dirt, you succeeded. Not that it really take all that much to do so. Did you seriously have to though? I think I had enough going on as it was. Didn't need that. Nonetheless that is the way life works. At least for me. It seems when I'm struggling and can barely keep my chin up that's when everyone thinks they need to add their two cents to the mix. Which usually isn't very nice. I am perfectly capable of making myself feel like dirt. I don't need help. Thank you. 


My allergies have been horrible this last week. Making my asthma even worse. So I'm miserable. Breathing should not be this hard or painful. 


I'm in a mood. Not a good one. And I need to get out of it. 

Change

I hate change. Really. I don't hate many things. But change is one of them. Unexpected change. Yeah... I don't do well with at all. I like schedules. I like to know what I need to do everyday and make a plan. Maybe not down to the minute. But I do better when it is. I like knowing who will be where when. I can't handle unknown situations. I don't completely avoid them anymore. But there is usually at least one meltdown before and after because it causes me so much stress. I try not to stress about things outside of my control. But I haven't quite gotten it down yet. I am better about not having to control the entire world. But I still like to be in control. Of everything. I don't like to say no to people. I do it very rarely. Even if I may not want to do something. I want to help. Usually it ends up harming me so it's not always a good quality. I am afraid to end up alone. Ha you're only (almost) 21 Gabby, that is a crazy fear. Maybe so. But I have reasons. I don't trust people. Makes it pretty hard to fall in love. I've been hurt so many times that I'm having a really hard time even wanting to try again. I am not exactly the perfect wife. Yeah I know how to clean. I can keep a house going. I love to cook. All great things. But, honestly I know I'm not easy to deal with. I have medical problems. Not things that will go away. I am sick all of the time. Constantly in and out of the Doctors office. I don't want to do all of it. I can't expect anyone to volunteer for it. I have nightmares. Every night. Ha. We won't even go there right now. I could go on with my reasons. But it wouldn't be helpful so I think I will stop with that one. 
I have a baby currently making it monsterously hard to type in my lap. See he spent most of the day screaming. Because he doeesn't like the bottle. Or anything but mommy. So it makes for some extremely long long days here. Today was one of those long days. It isn't over yet. But now he is not crying. Just being wiggly. SO I can't complain too much. 
I'm trying to give up caffeine. Just to prove the point that "I don't have a problem with caffeine, I have a problem without it." I have been taking headache pills as often as is safe to battle the looming migraines. I know. I know. That just means I'm addicted to it. But I'm also ADD. So it tends to calm me down. I'm a little jumpy as of late. With everything going on. So this could be really fun. . . . Or not. I guess only time will tell. 
After I get off Pepsi. I hope to go an entire month without soda. At least that is my plan. I will have to wait and see. For someone who doesn't eat. Soda becomes a large portion of my calories. SO this could be interesting. Over the weekend I lost 7lbs. So I've got to try harder at keeping stuff in me if I give up soda. 
I'm off to dinner with my Mom and Nephews. I'm sure I will have a lot to write about it :)