Lets Pretend.

Lets pretend for a little bit that I don't feel completely violated, that I don't feel like I'm the one at fault. That I'm okay. And while we are pretending that. Why don't we also pretend that I had any Christmas spirit at all. Lets pretend that my family likes me. Lets pretend that yesterday wasn't a complete disaster. We can pretend that I'm doing just fine. I'm not completely torn apart on the inside. We can pretend all the comments don't hurt. Why don't we, while we're at it pretend that I care at all... 
What we don't have to pretend is that everything will be fine. That one of these days all the stuff that's stressing me out will be over. We don't have to pretend that there are people that love me for me. They aren't asking me to be someone else. We don't have to pretend that I have found Jesus and my relationship with Him is so amazing and I would never trade it for the world. 


But, sometimes I get tired of pretending and at that point I don't know what to do. Because it's not me to fall apart in front of anyone else. I don't ask for mental support from anyone. I don't often cry in front of anyone. I mean very, very rare of me. So for me to stop pretending is a big deal. I'm known for my smile. No matter what is going on on the inside, I smile. Because I never want anyone to hurt because of me or for me again. I think I've caused enough of that in my lifetime already.


I know. I know. Not a very Christmassy post. But, it's what's on my heart and you really don't want to hear about the day I had yesterday. I got amazing gifts. But, that has nothing to do with Christmas. I do not support it. I am not Peagan. I'm not going to get into it all right now. But, if you are interested research the true origins of Christmas. It's scary stuff people. Scary stuff. 


Well. :) I hope you all had a good weekend and if I'm not back before the New Year have a happy New Year as well! 

Trying...

 I'm not really in a bloggu mood but I have to give my mother back her computer bright and early so I have nno choice but to blog tonight if I want to be able to at all. So bear with me.
I'm having some friend troubles. I have friends, but not many of those friend who care past the convenient point. I'm not just a convenient type of person. I've always been told to be the friend you want to have. And really I stink at being a friend sometimes. But I always get off my high horse and apologize when I realize how crappy I've been.  This particular friend and I get along smashingly. But when I need her she tends to flake out on my with out a second thought a lot of the time. If I say I will help someone when I get off work at 6pm I will go help them when I get off work at 6pm. Not ignore them until 11pm when I text and say I needed some me time. Not that me time isn't important of course. But word to the wise. If the person you claim to be best friends with is going through a very traumatic time the night before a big event due to the traumaticness is probably not the best time to take me time and not tell them. Just saying. 


I get anal about things being on time. About me being on time. I always want to be on time. Well I think everyone does. I just get frustrated when I'm not. Like bad. Causes panic. And well it just isn't good. So. I have been trying to just let go. To not hold myself so tightly to a schedule that I know will be messed up. However, I have no middle. Either I'm anal about it or I flat out don't care. Which isn't any better. Where do I find a medium? Can I pick one up at the store? 
This song just came on the radio. I've heard it so many times before, but tonight it had new meaning for me. Funny how things do that huh? 



Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget

[Chorus:]
In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I wrestle with my pain, struggle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

[Chorus]

When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause
Cause I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven.- Forgiven By Sanctus Real.


Yep.  After a 30 minute tantrum tonight the kids are asleep and I am so ready for bed I could cry, in fact I might. I'm overstressed, overwhelmed, and overtired. 
Until next time. Gabby


 

Yes I did.

Yes I did stand in line for almost 3 hours to get sheets on black Friday. 

Yes I did forget to take any pictures at all over the holiday. Which included a girls trip :). Nonetheless though, no pictures. 

Yes I did end up drinking more then 1 5 hour energy to keep myself going. Not at the same time. But a few days in a row. I'm still coming back down. 

Yes I did go to one of the best  Church meetings I have ever been to. The power of the Holy Ghost was so strong. It was absolutely amazing. I will never get tired of the feeling when the love of God washes over me and I feel completely at peace.  

Okay, I'm exhausted so I think this will have to be continued another time. I just wanted to let you know I'm still here. :)

Unnecessary Failure.

I was newly 16. Taking my driving test. Did I know how to drive? Yes. I was fine. I was actually a fairly good driver. Still am. But this day I was so nervous. Sitting in the car with the instructor I was about in tears I was so scared. I was shaking. Yeah. It was bad. We made it about halfway through the test when the instructor told me to pull over. Ha, that didn't help the anxiety. She very kindly told me to relax, that she wasn't there to fail me but instead she wanted me to pass. To succeed. That she could see that if I would just relax I would do just fine. But, if I didn't she would have no choice but to fail me. She gave me a second chance. I passed just fine. Ha got a mark for speeding, ha. Had she not slowed me down I would have failed. Just because I was afraid of failing. How much sense does that make? But really how often do we do that to ourselves? We fail for no reason but our own fear. Just something on my mind today. 


I can't believe it's almost Thanksgiving! I'm excited. It's the only time I LOVE leftovers! Yummy Yummy. I'm actually Bringing stuff this year! When you live there it's a bit hard to bring something and be helpful at the same time. I'm doing the Deviled Eggs(which I do every year anyways) I'm doing the Relish Tray... Lots of cooking involved there... And a Strawberry Jello Casserole the my Great Aunt used to make.  It's so yummy. So not a lot of cooking involved but it will still be fun! And then my in town Bestie and I will head to Utah for the night and do black Friday! It will be so much fun! I'm so excited!! And then to Idaho for a Church conference. It's awesome! 


Then right after Christmas we are going to Tuscon Arizona for another Conference. I'm pretty excited over here. It might only be in the 60's and raining BUT that's better than the below 0's. :) 


Well, I've had a kidney stone for 2 weeks. I'm miserable from it. But life doesn't slow down so neither do I! Hopefully it will pass soon because I refuse to be in the hospital. REFUSE! 


Okay. My computer is broke so I'm blogging from my moms netbook that she's letting me borrow.I will try to write again later. The 3 year old keeps me busy though. 


What are you all thankful for? I'm going to write a thankful post here shortly. 
*Gabby

Letting Go.

I think one of the hardest things for me on a daily basis is letting go. Coming to the reality that I can't control everybody and everything. Knowing that I can't do everything. Letting... Well watching people I love make mistakes that I feel I know a better way. Which isn't always the case. Everyone has to learn their own way. Some people can learn thru others, but I think for the most part we have to learn it for ourselves. We have to have those times where we fall flat to realize "hey I'm not perfect I need God to help me thru this." Because quite frankquently(Word of the week ha-ha) people who never have big struggles and never fall, publicly are not fun to be around. We need those to make us humble. I struggle with this. I get in my little zone and only focus on how others seem to have it better than me. When in all reality everyone struggles, you just don't always see it. I tend to be really open about a lot of my life, yet completely shut off in others. I will admit my struggles, for the most part. Yet some things, like anger, pain, and hurt I refuse to deal with. I refuse to let myself be justifiably angry because I know the damage that it can cause when it is out of control. I never want to get to that point. SO I try not to feel it at all. Which I guess for the most part works. I have certain folders you could say that tend to get me riled up. But for the most part I maintain my calm attitude on the outside. 


I've been told this by many. I'm not trying to boast in it. Or build myself up. I'm just processing thru it. I am very hard to read emotionally. I can maintain my straight face. I can keep a smile on even in my darkest times. Is this good? Well I'm told so. I'm told wearing your emotions on your sleeve isn't easy to be around. I guess I'm just used to it? But at the same time, I know I over compensate when I am hurting. I become completely distant from everyone. I keep that smile and the automatic "Fine, how are you?" I don't always like this about myself, and I know one day when I'm married my husband will probably dislike it too. But, I don't want to be the emotional blob either. Where is the middle ground for me? I guess that's what I will start working on. Being more emotionally showing towards people, because it's not that I don't feel things. I would say I'm over emotional on the inside. Maybe that's why I put a wall on the outside? Hmm. Okay. This is deep enough for the public :) 


My stomach is not happy today. Ugh. It happens I guess though. I know why. But it's not easily fixable, just has to be gotten thru. 


So I've spent the last few days deciding whether or not to share this on here. I've decided yes. Many of you... If you still read have been thru a lot of this medical stuff and prayed for me, so I will tell you the news;


I have Hypothalamic Pituitary Dysfunction, also know as Hypopituitarism. It can be dangerous if not controlled. They aren't sure what caused it. I'm going to see a specialist. 
There are many hormones that the Pituitary Gland controls. The one it is for sure affecting for me is Gonadotropin Deficiency. So medically speaking I suffer from Infertility. Medically speaking it will be close to impossible by the looks of my case for me to have be pregnant. BUT, my Jesus does not go by this medically speaking stuff. I know it is in HIS will no matter what happens. 


I'm not gonna lie and say it doesn't still upset me at times to think I can't have children. But, I just give it to God in those times. Because HE is bigger than my pain. HE has it all under control.


A few extra prayers never hurt anything however, if you get the chance. It's an unknown situation. There is another situation on top of that, that really needs prayers. 


Okay. Well I hope you all have an awesome Thursday, tomorrow is Friday!! I'm ready for the weekend. That's for certain!

Where Did My Snow Go?

So, the snow is gone. It was like a glimpse of what could be and then snatched away. That's alright tho. I know it will come back to me :) 


I have been trying to just take life slow lately. Not worry so much about every one else and focus on today. I can't control what happens tomorrow. I can't control anything really. Just my attitude towards it all. SO today I will choose to be positive. I will choose to not let all these little irrelevant things bring me down. I will still choose Jesus. It may be hard to keep a positive outlook. I may fail in my carnality sometimes. But, I can always get back up and start over. Because HE paid the ultimate price for me. 


I'm currently watching Mickey Mouse Club House. It's not as miserable as some of these other kids shows. But seriously. What happened to shows like Little Bear and Winnie the Pooh? 
On a normal day the Tv would be off and we would be doing something. But this week has been a little off for us so instead we take a break and do nothing. Which is totally okay. I will make some yummy cookies here in a few. Do some cleaning. Finish the laundry. Later. Right now. I will just sit and take it all in. Because while all of it needs to be done. None of it is urgent. 


I'm totally hoping to go back to school in the Spring. Well not go anywhere but start again. Just one class. But, it will be totally amazing. I'm so ready to be back at it. To be learning , writing papers and reading text books. I'm ready. :)

Winter.

Well, again I have been terrible about blogging. It's not that I don't want to. Or that I don't have the time.  I have plenty to write about. So what is it exactly keeping me from it? Well I'm not really sure. I guess I'm not always sure how much of anything I want to share here anymore. I would love to share everything. Without a care in the world about it like I used to. But I can't. Mainly because of current situations, but I think I already touched on this subject so lets move on.


So we already have had snow. Ugh. Last week. Which means 10 months of being cold all of the time. But it also means I get to wear scarves and hats and coats and boots. Who doesn't love boots? It means more tea and less pepsi. Well no still just as much pepsi but more hot tea. It means I get to envy those drinking hot cocoa and eat a lot of soup. It means a flu shot in the near future and being more aware of who I'm around. It means ice skating and snow men... When it snows again. It means long walks while the flakes are falling, and waking up to the fresh glitter a few times a week. It means being snowed in to the house and staying in our jammies all day watching movies and reading books. Can you tell I'm slightly fond of winter?