Hinds' Feet in High Places.

I just finished this book, Hinds' Feet in High Places By Hannah Hurnard. It was one of the best books I've ever read! It's about the journey to high places and everything we have to go through to get there. It puts so much of life into perspective, at least it did for me. It helped me understand the importance of going through the valleys of life. And all the different alters we need to build. It really made me understand the role the Pastor plays in ones life and how important a relationship with him and his wife is. Everyone has been telling me this and I really didn't understand it until I read this book. There was so much in there that I struggle with on a daily basis. Most everything in there I have struggled with at some point. God knows we aren't perfect. If we were we would be HIM. HE knows we will fall. HE even expects it. HE just wants us to call on HIM when we do. HE will come. There is no where we can fall, nothing we can do that HE can't reach down and pick us back up again. It was just a purely awesome book. And written in such a way that made it interesting to read. I could completely replay the book right here, but I think you should read it for yourself. I highly highly recommend it! 


I've discovered a love for Twizzlers. The Strawberry kind of course. I found some that are 16in long!! Yummy yummy. I Have just sat and ate them any time I sit near them lately. Just finished the last one. Bummer too. They were tasty. Even the cat thought so. He tore the bag open when I left it for like 2 seconds the other day. 


I need prayer. I've been struggling a lot lately. While that book did help tremendously, it only helped me understand the struggles and why I have to go through them. It didn't take them away. It's been a long couple of days. Like the kind of long where you take a shower just to have a moment by yourself to gather your thoughts and pray, by the end of it you are actually in a pretty good mood but as soon as you step out of the shower you slip of the freezing cold floor and reality all comes crashing back down with you. It's like from the second I open my eyes every morning I'm in the middle of a gruesome battle. Which I'm just in that valley right now, I'll get through it. It is just taking it's toll on me. Not sleeping much isn't helping either. I got 4 hours Sunday night and that was double or more what I had gotten for over 10 days straight. Last night I had no such luck. But again, just part of the valley. 


I started swim lessons with the 3 year old today. I'm really not sure who it wears out more. But, nonetheless it was fun and will be a good bonding experience. And hey who doesn't love a free visit to the hot tub? :) 

Find Me Again.

Posting 2 days in a row. Wow wow wow. Odd for me lately. But I'm so ready for new patterns, so maybe its a good thing. I've been in a rough patch lately. It's been hard on my. Wearing me down completely. I feel like a failure. I suppose maybe because I am. I fail every day. But this, this was different. But I will get through it by the power of Jesus name. I just need everyone to not give up on me. Because if anyone else jumps ship, I won't be able to do this. All I need is God. But, God made Adam because HE was lonely. God made Eve because Adam was lonely. We need each other. God knows that. That is how God designed us. In the image of HIM And through HIM alone can I make it through this. I just need to know that while I'm fighting this battle that there are still supports there that love me. I just need to be loved through this. So please. Pray for me. I desperately need it. 


Okay, Now that that has been said. Lets move on to something different. . . .  Uhm. Well I'm still a Nanny. And I still love it. It is extremely hard emotionally right now. With the whole baby thing. But, I again will get through it. I know you all are probably a bit confuse on that. Because I haven't posted anything on it. But, I think I'm ready. I found out a few months ago it will be very hard for me to every get pregnant. They don't know that it is even possible. As hard as that is to hear, I know God has HIS hand in all of this. But, it still breaks my heart to hear. I'm doing better with it now than I was. But I still have my extremely hard days. That is another thing that needs prayer. I know know know that in the end, God has a plan for me that will be so amazing. It will be prefect. I will be blessed. But right now, on this journey, I'm hurt. Deeply hurt. It's not fair at all and I'm working really hard to accept all of it. It's no easy feat though. As I know others have gone through similar things, it gives me a slight bit of peace. It makes me feel that much less alone. I can do this. "When I don't measure up to much in this life, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ" - Forgiven. By: Sanctus Real. 




I love love love this song by Sara Groves. It is so true. 
I've done every devotional 
Been every place emotional 
Trying to hear a new word from God 
And I think it's very odd 
That while I attmept to help myself 
My Bible sits upon my shelf 
With every promise I could ever need 

CHORUS: 
And the Word was 
And the Word is 
And the Word will be 

People are getting fit for truth 
Like they're buying a new tailored suit 
Does it fit across the shoulders 
Does it fade when it get older 
We throw ideas that aren't in style 
In the Salvation Army pile 
And search for something more to meet our needs 

CHORUS 

I think it's time I rediscover 
All the ground that I have covered, 
Like seek ye first what a verse 
We are pressed but not crushed 
Perplexed but don't despair 
We are persecuted but not abandoned 
We are no longer slaves 
We are daughters and sons 
And when we are weak we are very strong 
And neither death nor life nor present 
Nor future nor depth nor height 
Can keep us from the love of Christ 
And the Word I need is the Word that was 
Who put on flesh to dwell with us 
In the beginning 

Splash Of Words.

You know, over the last year I've learned so much. I've developed a relationship with God that I never knew existed. I would never want to give it up. There is nothing more valuable than that. But does that make all I've lost in the process any less painful? No. It hurts every day how much my family doesn't like me anymore. I miss the relationship I had with my mom. I miss my mom. I miss knowing how much she cared about me. It breaks my heart to think that for some reason that decreased when I chose God. At 20 there is no time you need your mom more. Especially with everything I'm facing. And it hurts to be so alone in that part of this. It really hurts. Every time I look into the face of the new baby I nanny. His precious. Innocent face. It breaks my heart. I might never get that. I will probably never get that. That experience is another thing that has been robbed from me. ANd only God can change it. I've only been able to hold the new baby a few times because it hurts me so much. And not many people understand it. My mother makes that pain about her. Like somehow it could hurt her more than it hurts me. 


I've learned so much about me. I've learned just how strong I am NOT. I fail God daily. I oh too often forget that all I have to do is call on HIS name and HE will fight for me, HE wants to fight for me. My way never works. HIS way always will. But I'm human. And I'm stubborn. So I forget. 


I've learned that most people don't stick around for long. As soon as they really get to know me. They run. Like there is something wrong with me. I'm not perfect. I know it. Oh, how deeply I know it. But, sometimes people don't even have to say it to let me know how worthless they think I am. How much I don't mean to them because I don't fit in the perfect mold that they expected. 


I've learned I can only depend on God. I can't even depend on myself anymore. I will only let myself down. I am my own worst enemy. My own worst critic. My own worst fear. I hide my pain with sarcasm. I don't like to let others see me hurt. I'm one of the most sensitive people on the planet. And you would never know it just be spending time with me. I might have a smile on my face 95% of the time. But on the inside I'm crying. I'm damaged goods. God is still working on me. I'm still learning to let Him heal me. 


My best friend has jumped ship. It hurts. Oh. It hurts. In a world like mine, losing someone like that is hard. Yeah, she might come back around. But it will never be the same. She has moved on. She has found a guy and that is all she cares about. She didn't even tell me. Because she didn't want to "hurt my feelings" Uh... well it wouldn't have. But not telling me most definitely did. Of course there were other things that happened. I finally just had to stop. I fought for the friendship for so long. And I couldn't do it any longer. It's not a friendship if only one side is putting in the effort and that is what it became. Anytime I would try to mend it. It would become a massive fight and I'd end up hurt even more. I miss her like crazy. I don't know what to do. 


I've never felt more alone in my life. 
I can't scream that I need help any louder. I don't think I have the energy to scream anymore at all. 


I'm tired of opening up to people to have them be too busy when I really need them. I can't take anymore. I'm on such an emotional roller coaster that I don't know if it's ever going to stop or even slow down. I'm getting tired though. Really tired. I'm already falling to pieces. I'm trying to get back up, but then somebody shoves me back down. 


I'm tired of never belonging. Never really fitting in. Never being understood. Always feeling invisible. Everywhere I go this is how things are. I'm tired of being made to feel worthless. Like there is always something more important. Sometimes things are more important. But other times. All I really need is to know that I really am loved. Because I don't always feel it. Especially right now. 


I'm going to try and start posting more... I know I've said it before. I have so much I need to put on here. I'm just having an extremely hard time with most of it. But, I will get there. Even if i can just start with once a week. And then slowly move back up to where I was. Because it's most definitely not because I don't have things to talk about. I just don't always know how to say them or how much to share. But, I'm done being superficial. I'm going to be real. Here like I always have been and everywhere else. Because I shouldn't have to be someone else to be loved. I shouldn't have to. 


This song has been playing in my head for a few days. 
When the stars came crashing down
In tiny pieces to the ground
I was all alone down here
Trapped beneath the atmosphere
Then I, thought somebody called my name
I spun around and caught a flame
I gave into a God I didn't know
And now everything is falling into place
A brand new life is calling and I owe it all to grace

It's so much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone to see
When we sttumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa

When a heart is cold as ice
You can't melt it with advice
No one wants to listen to
A list of things they shouldn't do
So I build a city on a hill
And I light a candle on the sill
Knowing you'll be always knocking at the door
Oh God I just want to love on everyone
All I have is yours to give so let the people come

It's so much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone to see
When we stumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light

that makes the shadows hide
the light that breaks the curse of pride
the light that takes the weary in it's arms

When it all came crashing down
There was only darkness all around
But in the distance I could see
A Flame

It's So much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone, and I mean everyone to see
When we stumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light!!

Three Years.

This is me, Three years ago today. 

Three years ago tonight I lay in the PICU after having major surgery with tubes coming out of every part of my body. 

Three years ago my mother and family spent the entire day in a waiting room wondering what would happen. Waiting for those updates that were few and far between. 

Three years ago my mother sat with the amazing surgeon after he had finished and learned of all the damage that was inside of me. 

Three years ago today, I guess you could say it all finally sunk in. 

It all hit.

We knew for certain. 

Three years ago today, my stomach was fixed to the best it would ever be again. 

Three years since I lay in that room with that little boy. He was around two years old I believe. His parents were not there. They didn't expect him to make it much longer. Yet, he fought on. He still tried. The beeping from all the machines was strangely comforting, I had never shared a hospital room before. The PICU nurse was great. He would ask me questions about doing all the different procedures that had to be done on me. Not because he didn't know, or because I did know. Just to keep me distracted. To be involved. 

To have a relationship other than on the skin. 

I was transfered to the floor shortly after. The little boy died the same night. And well. I can't help but wonder; was he alone? DId he have to spend his last moments alone? It saddens my heart. I am happy he is no longer in pain. 

I think of that little boy often. 

I wonder if I learned what he was teaching or if I just put him in my memory and grabbed the obvious lesson? 

I've made it three years now. 

Here's to 3x25 more! 

Stop.

Well. Sorry. I feel like that's how I start every post these days. And really, I do mean to blog. I want to blog. I probably even need to blog. I just don't. I let others things get in the way. I get overwhelmed at the thought of how much to share on here. Because I don't want it to be sad here. I don't want a pity party. Ever. I just want to have my space here. Where I am free to be me. Free to say what I want. Because I don't have that place anywhere else. Yet I feel like that isn't possible with everything that is going on. It feels like I have no control. I want some form of control. Something to hold on to. I have that in Jesus. And then I have to deal with the people who tell me I'm wrong. They act like I'm in some kind of cult. Like I've been brainwashed. Which isn't true. I'm not stupid. I can recognize when something is wrong. ANd this. This is not. But, everyone here bringing me down. Has really pulled me down lately. I feel like most of the people in this town are against me. Like they are just waiting for me to fall. For me to fail. especially my family. It's the worst feeling ever. To know that they don't have my back no matter what. They have my back when I am who they think I should be. When I do what they want. Not when i have a mind of my own. And that is not okay with me. Okay? It's not okay with me for people to treat me like dirt. I am not dirt! I matter, too!! There is nothing wrong with me following Jesus and the Bible. Nothing at all. Actually it's the opposite. I know. People get jealous. People throw rocks at things that shine. Maybe they don't really mean to hurt me. But, they do. Every day, they hurt me. Every day, it hurts deeper. And every day, I stay. I don't cut those blood lines. I don't walk away from this family who doesn't approve of me. Why? Because they are family.... Which isn't a reason at all. It's not okay for anyone to put anyone through this. But I am letting my family just because they are family. They have made wounds that will never completely heal towards them. ANd every time I see them the get ripped back open. It hurts more each time. I don't need their approval, I want it. I want their love. I want the family. I'm selfish like that. I want them to love me for me. I don't need to be told it will pass. Because it might not. Nobody knows. If I can't sit here and take it till it does, if it does, well that will be good. If it doesn't, and I end up walking away. Well. I don't have a plan for that just yet. But until then I need it to just stop. I need space to not have to be stressed about it all the time. I need my space for a moment. Please. Stop. 
Sorry. My posts lately have no purpose. No theme towards what should be written this time of year. I'll get there. Eventually.
 I need to know who is still here with me? Who is standing here by me when the rest seem to turn the other way? Who still cares? 

Lets Pretend.

Lets pretend for a little bit that I don't feel completely violated, that I don't feel like I'm the one at fault. That I'm okay. And while we are pretending that. Why don't we also pretend that I had any Christmas spirit at all. Lets pretend that my family likes me. Lets pretend that yesterday wasn't a complete disaster. We can pretend that I'm doing just fine. I'm not completely torn apart on the inside. We can pretend all the comments don't hurt. Why don't we, while we're at it pretend that I care at all... 
What we don't have to pretend is that everything will be fine. That one of these days all the stuff that's stressing me out will be over. We don't have to pretend that there are people that love me for me. They aren't asking me to be someone else. We don't have to pretend that I have found Jesus and my relationship with Him is so amazing and I would never trade it for the world. 


But, sometimes I get tired of pretending and at that point I don't know what to do. Because it's not me to fall apart in front of anyone else. I don't ask for mental support from anyone. I don't often cry in front of anyone. I mean very, very rare of me. So for me to stop pretending is a big deal. I'm known for my smile. No matter what is going on on the inside, I smile. Because I never want anyone to hurt because of me or for me again. I think I've caused enough of that in my lifetime already.


I know. I know. Not a very Christmassy post. But, it's what's on my heart and you really don't want to hear about the day I had yesterday. I got amazing gifts. But, that has nothing to do with Christmas. I do not support it. I am not Peagan. I'm not going to get into it all right now. But, if you are interested research the true origins of Christmas. It's scary stuff people. Scary stuff. 


Well. :) I hope you all had a good weekend and if I'm not back before the New Year have a happy New Year as well! 

Trying...

 I'm not really in a bloggu mood but I have to give my mother back her computer bright and early so I have nno choice but to blog tonight if I want to be able to at all. So bear with me.
I'm having some friend troubles. I have friends, but not many of those friend who care past the convenient point. I'm not just a convenient type of person. I've always been told to be the friend you want to have. And really I stink at being a friend sometimes. But I always get off my high horse and apologize when I realize how crappy I've been.  This particular friend and I get along smashingly. But when I need her she tends to flake out on my with out a second thought a lot of the time. If I say I will help someone when I get off work at 6pm I will go help them when I get off work at 6pm. Not ignore them until 11pm when I text and say I needed some me time. Not that me time isn't important of course. But word to the wise. If the person you claim to be best friends with is going through a very traumatic time the night before a big event due to the traumaticness is probably not the best time to take me time and not tell them. Just saying. 


I get anal about things being on time. About me being on time. I always want to be on time. Well I think everyone does. I just get frustrated when I'm not. Like bad. Causes panic. And well it just isn't good. So. I have been trying to just let go. To not hold myself so tightly to a schedule that I know will be messed up. However, I have no middle. Either I'm anal about it or I flat out don't care. Which isn't any better. Where do I find a medium? Can I pick one up at the store? 
This song just came on the radio. I've heard it so many times before, but tonight it had new meaning for me. Funny how things do that huh? 



Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget

[Chorus:]
In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I wrestle with my pain, struggle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

[Chorus]

When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause
Cause I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven.- Forgiven By Sanctus Real.


Yep.  After a 30 minute tantrum tonight the kids are asleep and I am so ready for bed I could cry, in fact I might. I'm overstressed, overwhelmed, and overtired. 
Until next time. Gabby