Letting Go.

I think one of the hardest things for me on a daily basis is letting go. Coming to the reality that I can't control everybody and everything. Knowing that I can't do everything. Letting... Well watching people I love make mistakes that I feel I know a better way. Which isn't always the case. Everyone has to learn their own way. Some people can learn thru others, but I think for the most part we have to learn it for ourselves. We have to have those times where we fall flat to realize "hey I'm not perfect I need God to help me thru this." Because quite frankquently(Word of the week ha-ha) people who never have big struggles and never fall, publicly are not fun to be around. We need those to make us humble. I struggle with this. I get in my little zone and only focus on how others seem to have it better than me. When in all reality everyone struggles, you just don't always see it. I tend to be really open about a lot of my life, yet completely shut off in others. I will admit my struggles, for the most part. Yet some things, like anger, pain, and hurt I refuse to deal with. I refuse to let myself be justifiably angry because I know the damage that it can cause when it is out of control. I never want to get to that point. SO I try not to feel it at all. Which I guess for the most part works. I have certain folders you could say that tend to get me riled up. But for the most part I maintain my calm attitude on the outside. 


I've been told this by many. I'm not trying to boast in it. Or build myself up. I'm just processing thru it. I am very hard to read emotionally. I can maintain my straight face. I can keep a smile on even in my darkest times. Is this good? Well I'm told so. I'm told wearing your emotions on your sleeve isn't easy to be around. I guess I'm just used to it? But at the same time, I know I over compensate when I am hurting. I become completely distant from everyone. I keep that smile and the automatic "Fine, how are you?" I don't always like this about myself, and I know one day when I'm married my husband will probably dislike it too. But, I don't want to be the emotional blob either. Where is the middle ground for me? I guess that's what I will start working on. Being more emotionally showing towards people, because it's not that I don't feel things. I would say I'm over emotional on the inside. Maybe that's why I put a wall on the outside? Hmm. Okay. This is deep enough for the public :) 


My stomach is not happy today. Ugh. It happens I guess though. I know why. But it's not easily fixable, just has to be gotten thru. 


So I've spent the last few days deciding whether or not to share this on here. I've decided yes. Many of you... If you still read have been thru a lot of this medical stuff and prayed for me, so I will tell you the news;


I have Hypothalamic Pituitary Dysfunction, also know as Hypopituitarism. It can be dangerous if not controlled. They aren't sure what caused it. I'm going to see a specialist. 
There are many hormones that the Pituitary Gland controls. The one it is for sure affecting for me is Gonadotropin Deficiency. So medically speaking I suffer from Infertility. Medically speaking it will be close to impossible by the looks of my case for me to have be pregnant. BUT, my Jesus does not go by this medically speaking stuff. I know it is in HIS will no matter what happens. 


I'm not gonna lie and say it doesn't still upset me at times to think I can't have children. But, I just give it to God in those times. Because HE is bigger than my pain. HE has it all under control.


A few extra prayers never hurt anything however, if you get the chance. It's an unknown situation. There is another situation on top of that, that really needs prayers. 


Okay. Well I hope you all have an awesome Thursday, tomorrow is Friday!! I'm ready for the weekend. That's for certain!

Where Did My Snow Go?

So, the snow is gone. It was like a glimpse of what could be and then snatched away. That's alright tho. I know it will come back to me :) 


I have been trying to just take life slow lately. Not worry so much about every one else and focus on today. I can't control what happens tomorrow. I can't control anything really. Just my attitude towards it all. SO today I will choose to be positive. I will choose to not let all these little irrelevant things bring me down. I will still choose Jesus. It may be hard to keep a positive outlook. I may fail in my carnality sometimes. But, I can always get back up and start over. Because HE paid the ultimate price for me. 


I'm currently watching Mickey Mouse Club House. It's not as miserable as some of these other kids shows. But seriously. What happened to shows like Little Bear and Winnie the Pooh? 
On a normal day the Tv would be off and we would be doing something. But this week has been a little off for us so instead we take a break and do nothing. Which is totally okay. I will make some yummy cookies here in a few. Do some cleaning. Finish the laundry. Later. Right now. I will just sit and take it all in. Because while all of it needs to be done. None of it is urgent. 


I'm totally hoping to go back to school in the Spring. Well not go anywhere but start again. Just one class. But, it will be totally amazing. I'm so ready to be back at it. To be learning , writing papers and reading text books. I'm ready. :)

Winter.

Well, again I have been terrible about blogging. It's not that I don't want to. Or that I don't have the time.  I have plenty to write about. So what is it exactly keeping me from it? Well I'm not really sure. I guess I'm not always sure how much of anything I want to share here anymore. I would love to share everything. Without a care in the world about it like I used to. But I can't. Mainly because of current situations, but I think I already touched on this subject so lets move on.


So we already have had snow. Ugh. Last week. Which means 10 months of being cold all of the time. But it also means I get to wear scarves and hats and coats and boots. Who doesn't love boots? It means more tea and less pepsi. Well no still just as much pepsi but more hot tea. It means I get to envy those drinking hot cocoa and eat a lot of soup. It means a flu shot in the near future and being more aware of who I'm around. It means ice skating and snow men... When it snows again. It means long walks while the flakes are falling, and waking up to the fresh glitter a few times a week. It means being snowed in to the house and staying in our jammies all day watching movies and reading books. Can you tell I'm slightly fond of winter? 

Settle for a Slow Down

I never seem to be able to think of the "right" words to post lately, so I choose to not post at all. I have so much going on right now in my life. But, most of it I can't share on here. No, I can share is on here. I just won't because then it becomes part of the mess that is controlling my life right now. Some of you know what is going on. Some of you don't. 
Rebekah, call me! Or text. I'm always afraid you will be in class, or getting ready for class, or sleeping!
Know that right now in my life I'm facing something that is extremely hard for me. Once I get the final results. I will post more about it. But until then please just pray. 


I've been bad about always being on the move lately. When I take the time to slow down I seem to be more emotional. So I just go go go go go. Which isn't good for me either. Friday, I had so much to do. Clean, pack, bake pies, go to the bank, all while nannying. My nephew who is 2 had come over for the day to play with my Z-Man(the little guy I nanny) and it was nap time. He wouldn't lay down unless I laid with him. At first I was rather annoyed by this, after all I had work to do. But all at once it hit me as I was holding the sleeping child, that moment was all that mattered. He isn't gonna be little forever. It wasn't more important for me to do all that stuff than for me to hold him. I needed it. He needed it. After our nap we were both much happier. Because those are the moments that really matter. His beautiful sleeping face. Kissing his little forehead. Holding his little hand. That is all that mattered. I got all my stuff done later that day and everything turned back into fast pace soon after the nap. But for those moments time passed slowly. It gave me the chance to soak it all in. It was bittersweet. 


My Z-Man has started looking at me and saying "Abby, I love you when you come back". It just melts my heart. I'm gone most weekends, doing church stuff so by Monday we are both very happy to see each other.


I'm off to the land of Lilliput.... If anyone can name the book I'm reading by that statement I'll give you 500 points!  

Factual

My name is Gabby. The same Gabby I have been since birth. Part of me may have changed. But really, I'm still me. In the last few months I have found something. SOmething that has made me feel like nothing ever has. A peace inside of me that is unchangeable. I've really found Jesus. I feel like I've touched God deeper than I ever did in my old Church. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. But a lot of people have disowned me for the change. Hmm them or Jesus. I choose Jesus. Sorry. But it still hurts.

I can't imagine where I would be right now had I not become apart of the Apostolic Pentecostal Church. It save my life. People there saved me life. Jesus saved my life. I know that is where I'm supposed to be and I'm tired of being attacked for it. I'm tired of being a victim to everyones gossip. I'm not perfect I make all kinds of mistakes. But hey, so do you. "Don't judge my poo".- Courtney Morgan.

I want to get back into the habit of blogging. But until the issue is over there is so much I can't share. But I need this connection. SO If you are still out there would you please let me know. And maybe offer up some ideas on what I could write about? I can blabber like no other. But I need to know someone is listening. That someone on here still cares. I'm sorry I dodged out for so long. But it is what I needed. I could no longer spread myself out on here and hope to be picked up. I had to be in the real world and let someone pick me up. ANd to my surprise people responded. SO now let me go through some of these people.

Debi has always been around. Well at least through all of this. I know she plans to stick around and I love her for that. For her willingness to go beyond my one word answers and engage me in figuring out my feelings instead of avoiding them. I love her to pieces.

Then there is Teal. OH Teal. We are connected at the heart and the hip. We do everything together. If we have a problem we work it out. I now when she needs me with out her saying a word. I need her. She is more than a friend or a sister to me. It's like I was only half a person and she is the rest. She is the best friend anyone could ever ask for.

Then there is Em. SHe keep me going. We always are laugh about something. We have a lot of sometimes inappropriate fun. But it's sometimes harmless jokes that keep us going.... I love that she understands more of me than most people because she has been there. I don't know what I would do with out her.

Then there is Glenna aka "Mom" Since my mom has bailed out in a lot of aspects of my life. Glenna hass taken over. I have a hard time when it comes to needing mom not calling her. I feel like my mom doesn't understand or care about a lot of thing in my life. And Glenna has become the mom of that part. My problem is she has her own kids. and we all know I'm a lot to handle. I'm a burden. I know it. SO I hold back a lot from her. From everyone. Just because, I don't want them to feel anything different about me. I don't want their perspectives to change. I love being able to talk to her when I can. It changes me whole day no matter what I talk about. She calms me down. We just had that instant bond. I am forever grateful to her.  I love her so very much. I need her. I couldn't do this with out her.

Well, now you have part of my life again. It's going up and up. sometimes it goes over bumps that are hard to make it through. With the help of Jesus and the above mentioned people. I always get over.

I plan to be back soon. But I always say that. SO instead I will just say, Until next time. And please leave me a comment so I know you are still there. :)

Blocked.

I'm in a bit of a writing block. Not that I don't have so much I want to write. Just that I can't seem to get the words out. I will be back blogging regularly soon. Just hold on a bit for me...

Yeah.

I'm scared. 

I know it's in Gods hands, He has it all under control. 

But at the same time, I can't see the future and this unknown scares me. 

I don't want to go to physical therapy today, or the concussion clinic tomorrow. 

I don't want to hear what they have to tell me. 

Yesterday really has me anxious. I couldn't move my mirrors in my car. I couldn't remember my shoes. It's not okay. It scares me. 

 I was doing none stop talking outside church last night and it lasted until 2 am. I couldn't stop. I couldn't filter it. My mouth was just moving. Teal didn't even have to respond, I just kept talking. 

I don;t want her to be gone back to Evanston. I tried to get her to stay. I need her right now. I need to not be alone. I'm scared and I need her. I need you. I need someone to tell me it's gonna be fine, even though it probably won't. I need to know that even if I have brain damage, even if I have to wear a helmet and be the most cautious person ever for the rest of my life to keep my brain alive, that everyone's not gonna jump ship. I need some certainty in all these unknowns. I know that makes no sense.I need to know that If I'm like this for the rest of my life that I'm still gonna be loved.