Belonging...

My Bestie was talking about fitting in on her blog... Here http://elferingewort.blogspot.com/
It got me thinking- where do I fit? Most of my friends are still in high school. Or way older with kids. I really don't fit with them. Rebekah, I fit with her, but she's hundreds of miles away, so it makes things difficult. Really have no friends in town my age. Not to say I don't love the friend I do have to pieces, but they're either worried about boys or kids. That's not me. Now I do like boys, a lot. But they aren't my focus in life. But what is my focus? School? Church? Wookie? All great things, especially the last :) but, things just don't fit. I don't like being the odd one out all the time. No, that's not right. I despise being the odd one out all the time. I understand boys, I understand kids. I can carry a convo about either. But Is it what I want? No. Okay, this may not make sense to all of you but, I'm a triangle. My life, my feelings. Let me explain: One side of me wants to deal with things, one wants to hide, one refuses to deal with anything. I'm sharp around the edges. Especially where the side come together. Make sense? Well Triangles don't fit well with circles. They tend to pop them actually. Is this a depression thing? No. It's a life thing. I don't like feeling out of place. But everywhere I go, that's how I feel. At home, well it's all about the boys, no matter what's going on. It's about them. At work, as much as I love my job, I feel like I'm not reaching my full potential, like something's missing. At Church, this is hard to explain. Besides the fact that there is NO one there my age. All are either younger or older and married. I still, well I can't handle it. During the sermon I'm fine. But after of before, when everyone is talking I start to lose it. All the noise. All the people, even though I know them, I don't handle it very well. It takes all my strength not to sit down and cry. I don't like being around people. Not one bit. I hate going to the store by myself. Hardly ever happens. Church, I'm not by myself, but yet, I'm all alone. No one gets what I'm feeling, if they even know at all...

I feel like I never do anything right. I can do exactly what I'm asked, and still somehow it;s wrong. I don't get it.

Honestly, I'm giving up, slowly, but I can feel it happening. Not really in a depression way. At least not the kind of depression I've experienced before. I don't know how to explain it really. It's like, no one cares that I'm trying, so why bother? I know I shouldn't base how I feel one what other people think. And I'm not really. I am so proud of myself for this last semester. Really. But, feeling that no one else really is. That's hard, and hurtful. When you're doing something for someone else, it seems to be easier. But to do it for yourself, that's pretty hard. Yes, I want to make myself better. But so I want to make myself better for me? Not really. It makes no difference where you are on the pole if at the end of the day you have no one to celebrate with.... Does it?

I'm so frustrated with life right now. I don't know what to do, where to turn. Everyone keeps telling me I have time, I'll figure it out. But do I? Will I? What if I don't? What if life just passes me by? What then? What if I choose one path and end up hating it? DO I have the time or strength to move to another? I wish someone would just tell me what to do. Or at least help me decide. I don't want anymore you'll figure it out's. I'm over that.

I'm stuck in a box. Alone with my nightmares, in a box. It's not where I want to be, it's not where anyone would want to be. But I can't seem to get out. As a child were you ever locked in a box? Someone talks you into getting in and then sits on top and won't let you out? Well that's how it feels, except someone forced me in and now won't let me out. It's pretty miserable here. It's 23o and I'm still awake. I don't want to sleep. I know what's coming. I know that they are only dreams. Nothing that happens will actually hurt me. But, they still scare me. Leave me anxious. Make me think more. Most thinking, is okay. But the thinking after a nightmare? Not so much. I hate them. I hate them. I HATE THEM!

So, I'm hearing from different people that verbalizing them may be able to help. SO I'm gonna try it. I'm up anyway right? Not the whole thing, just part of it. My nightmares have been increasing, so the content is wider. This particular one take place in a tree house. Kinda similar to scenes in Avatar. Quite a lot like the movie actually. But, what would be the Avatars, are all the Doctor who did this to me. Me and a bunch of people I care about are prisoners there. Then, he comes in with a gun and just starts shooting, killing the people I'm with. I start running. I'm in the forest, I can hear these creatures all around me....

Okay, that's enough. I can feel my anxiety increasing already. I don't think that's gonna help me sleep. Which, I actually need to try and do as it's not that long before I need to be up... Night all...

Now I lay me down to stay up all night.

Okay, yes I'm still awake. I'm really REALLY emotional. Seriously anyone have any good sleeping remedies? I could use some! Melatonin(SP?) doesn't work for me. Warm milk... Well besides sounding yucky, I have a milk allergy. I don't really know anything else to do. Well besides sleeping pills! Which I'm perfectly fine with.

I'm not gonna do a long random post tonight. I don't have the energy or thoughts. I will say, I'm lonely. Very lonely. Hardly talked to anyone all day. It's building up inside me. Not so great. But the people I did talk to were wonderful of course. Thankyou all.

Okay well, talk to me. That would be great. If you have my number text me, my email is on the sidebar. Do something. Really I'll probably be up forever and will need to talk about the weather. Hope you are enjoying your sleep. Goodnight again. *Gabby

Its 2am I must be lonely

"update"

I just read through this after getting 4 hours of sleep. One thing that caught my eye, well its actually 2, is my dirrefent number S. Sorry it was suppose to be different letter S. Haha okay it's quite amusing, I say things backwards all the time, but this is the first time I've spelled it that backwards.









"Original"

"She said baby, its 3am i must be lonely, and she says baby, I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes. The rains gonna pass away I believe it." I don't know that name of this song. Help? But it so explains how I'm feeling right now. I'm so lonely, since its 2am I can't talk to anyone, because they're all asleep. Silly. So I decided I might as well blog the thoughts in my head, while they're there.

First off, I talked to a wonderful person tonight. Debi. She convinced me, in her own little way, to let some of all this that I'm holding in out. It took some time, but I think we made progress. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about letting it out, I'll let you know when it's not the middle of the night. I think that's why I'm not sleeping right now. All the thoughts about it are in my head making it difficult to not focus on anything and sleep. Plus I think if I fall asleep I will dream about it, I don't want that.

Also I'm not sleeping, because I'm out of sleeping pills. I didn't think they were helping, but the fact that I'm up at 2am may say otherwise. I should email the Dr and get her to call some in in the morning. Though there is some peace in the dark, silent, night. The a tiny piece of me is enjoying...

I just finished watching Mercy. I still love that show. It was a recording from like 2 weeks ago that I just got around to watching. No real reason. I honestly love the show but I really haven't watched much other then hockey the last week or so. I've been on my computer a lot. Surprised?

I have a new obsession with Lady Gaga. Seriously her music is so weird. I can totally relate to some of the songs. I'll let you use your imaginations on that one!!! My sister let me download her 2 Cd's to my ipod and I love it. I use to hate her. Cole would play it all the time and would drive me crazy, but the last couple weeks I'm just in love, right now I'm listening to "Monster". I do think its weird how her first CD is called "Fame" and second is "Fame Monster". Seriously come up with something new. If the next has the word Fame or Monster in it, well I won't be happy. I like random names,like Anatomy of Tongue in Cheek. Anyone know whose CD that is? I'll give you an nice paragraph on a post devoted to all about you if you get it right.

Second(more like 6Th), I am excited for my appointment with my surgeon! The fact the he is a great man is part of it. I will get to see all the wonderful 3rd floor nurses. AND I MAY get to see Debi. Seriously, it excites me. We need to have sometime to see each other that doesn't involve me and the hospital. But I'll take what I can get.

Third, as you can probably tell, I'm in a better mood. I am weird after 11pm, I'm very sensitive, cry at everything. I'm genuinely happy. Feel like I'm walking on cotton candy.... Thus you get this random blog post of completely different me.

Okay so Bobbi, I blogged about her awhile back. She said the funniest this tonight. "If I was God I'd ask for cookies in my offering plate". Seriously, FUNNY. Me I'd ask for tacos, pizza rolls, and queso. I love sweets. My stomach doesn't. It likes them even less then it does regular food.

On the eating front, I had a good day. Ate most of a side salad from Md's around 4, then a taco(MM) around 6, then ANOTHER taco around 11. Wow that's a lot for me. I know most people eat the at one sitting, but again, I'll take what I can get. I've found I can eat better in the late afternoon evening time. That's why I don't usually eat anything tell 4 or 5.

Okay so there's this guy at work, not that kind of guy so don't think that, this guy is huge. Which really doesn't bother me, what bothers me is he smells like he hasn't bathed in weeks. No one said anything to him though, Being polite, whatever, if I stink PLEASE tell me. Well the other night I was just getting back from my break, standing by the fryer with this guy lets call him R and the manager, I say "what would you like me to do"? Manager T says"give R a bath" (meaning to say break. I lose it laughing. Luckily he thought it was funny too. She was embarrassed. We were all laughing looking like idiots. So now anytime he or I go on break we say "have a nice bath". Which is probably way more funny to me then it is to you. But its now almost 3am and what can you expect from me?

Wow this post is turning out long. I should blog in the middle of the night more often, I find more word to say, and it's easier to write my mind. Mainly because the things on my mind are rather silly. But still. You want to read about me, here is me at my... oddest.

I had the weirdest the happen. I'm asleep last night(weird right?) well I wake up because me feet are burning hot. Seriously felt like I was walking on hot pavement, the were out of the blanket so I was like whats going on? I try everything to make them cold. The I realized my hands were like ice so I thought I'd put them on my feet. I touch my feet and they are freezing, seriously whats wrong with me? I can no longer tell the difference between hot & cold when it comes to my feet? So annoying. Maybe it's something to do with my Reynauds. Not sure. I'll have to ask the Dr. I'm thinking I may have to go on meds for it, my hands have been horrid. Like liast night, just sleeping and my hands get ice cold. That's not right. Then I end up with these painful little bumps. So all in all I'd be willing to try something. The only problem is my blood pressure tends to run low, 90/50 on a good day. These meds can lower your pressures. Which isn't good for someone who already have a tendency to pass out.

Now I'm listening to "Need You Now" By Lady Antebellum. Love them. Yes I have a wide taste in music. I'm all about variety. Most of the time. Well at least with music. Not big into rap, screamo, or techno. Surprise you? It shouldn't. I like songs with a point that you can understand the words. So I in other words, shouldn't like my blogging, because seriously, I never get to the point of my stories.

I'm trying to plan something fun, not going to tell anyone what it is until I know whether or not its going to happen. So you will either see a happy Gabby post or a sad Gabby post, maybe tomorrow. We'll see.

I'm addicted to cafe world on facebook. I just checked my cafe and freaked that I only had 20 servings left, my rating went down like 5 points now 7. Goodness! Games are not supposed to stress you out like this! AH the good dishes take forever to cook!

Every one in my house will be up in 4 hours or less. I may still be up. won't that be great, "hey Gabby why you up so early?" Me: "uhm yeah about that, well you see there was this crisis and world hunger, with the price of eggs in china, I couldn't sleep" (okay so I just reread what I typed and it made no sense so I fixed it. :)) Maybe it is about time I hit the sack. 3:26am, Do you know where your children are? My mom probably figures I'm in bed. Boy is she wrong. Okay I'm misspelling every word. I misspelled A how does one do the well you put a dirrefent number in its place. Like in my case the number S.

Gosh. Silly computer. Oh now I'm listening to "She Wolf" funny song really. Why why would a she-wolf be in disguise?? Seriously I this the wolf part would throw people off enough don't you?
I really don't understand the point so I don't know why I like the song, but tonight anything goes at 336am I guess. Right now its Brad Paisley. I do love him too. Not all of him. Some of his songs drive me crazy. I can't think of their names right now, but there are some. I don't like Rebas voice at all. I like Taylor Swift and most of Carrie Underwood. I enjoy Tim Mcgraw and Faith Hill. Oh I love Josh Turner. Saw him in concert, guess I could put those photos up, opening for him was trailer choir and little big town, who are both enjoyable. This is just the country music I like, as I said before my selection is wide. I won't name all the people I like tonight for sake of- this post is awfully long and probably starting to be non-sense. Thats okay though. You're enjoying it, right?

Now its changed to Green Day. Yeah really it's all over the place. Like my mind.I really focus lots better on things when music is playing, I don't zone out AS often. I still zone out, thats why it''s taken me 2 hours to get this far in the post. But less often. So I spell checked the beginning of this a hour or so ago, but I don't feel like doing it again to try to make out what it says, if you don't understand what something says, ask me. I will try to make up the best explanation I have inside of me. It could be quite fun really.

Okay so my biggest want for Christmas is, a hardback copy of Gullivers Travels!!! I would be in heaven. (now she wolf is on in Spanish). I love the smell of books, and there's just something about hardbacks that make my knees weak and my tummy have butterflies. And a webcam. Because I'm stealing a idea from my bestie Rebekah. I goona do a video blog too. Won't that be cool. It will be on random stuff and I will still write here just as often, I just think it would be fun for you all to see and hear who is writing this. What do you think. I would love so input!

Okay so I just randomly broke out in a weird dance. Too bad there was no camera. You could have seen it!! Well honestly I probably wouldn't have posted it, It was that weird. But it was a good thought. Don't you think.

Now In a few minutes I will watch a movie. Not going to share what movie for sake of my life. But it will be a good movie, I hope. I like movies, I like watching movies on my laptop. Wow it started faster then I thought it would, so I'm gonna go. Don't be sad it 4am and I still have tomorrow to blog or today I guess. okay seriously, I love you all. haha funny story about that, but will have to wait. goodnight! *Gabs

P.S. If you made it to the end give yourself a hand. seriously a big one, then a pat on the back. If you understood it all take a bow. And if your confused, sorry, ask questions and I will explain!!!