Belonging...

My Bestie was talking about fitting in on her blog... Here http://elferingewort.blogspot.com/
It got me thinking- where do I fit? Most of my friends are still in high school. Or way older with kids. I really don't fit with them. Rebekah, I fit with her, but she's hundreds of miles away, so it makes things difficult. Really have no friends in town my age. Not to say I don't love the friend I do have to pieces, but they're either worried about boys or kids. That's not me. Now I do like boys, a lot. But they aren't my focus in life. But what is my focus? School? Church? Wookie? All great things, especially the last :) but, things just don't fit. I don't like being the odd one out all the time. No, that's not right. I despise being the odd one out all the time. I understand boys, I understand kids. I can carry a convo about either. But Is it what I want? No. Okay, this may not make sense to all of you but, I'm a triangle. My life, my feelings. Let me explain: One side of me wants to deal with things, one wants to hide, one refuses to deal with anything. I'm sharp around the edges. Especially where the side come together. Make sense? Well Triangles don't fit well with circles. They tend to pop them actually. Is this a depression thing? No. It's a life thing. I don't like feeling out of place. But everywhere I go, that's how I feel. At home, well it's all about the boys, no matter what's going on. It's about them. At work, as much as I love my job, I feel like I'm not reaching my full potential, like something's missing. At Church, this is hard to explain. Besides the fact that there is NO one there my age. All are either younger or older and married. I still, well I can't handle it. During the sermon I'm fine. But after of before, when everyone is talking I start to lose it. All the noise. All the people, even though I know them, I don't handle it very well. It takes all my strength not to sit down and cry. I don't like being around people. Not one bit. I hate going to the store by myself. Hardly ever happens. Church, I'm not by myself, but yet, I'm all alone. No one gets what I'm feeling, if they even know at all...

I feel like I never do anything right. I can do exactly what I'm asked, and still somehow it;s wrong. I don't get it.

Honestly, I'm giving up, slowly, but I can feel it happening. Not really in a depression way. At least not the kind of depression I've experienced before. I don't know how to explain it really. It's like, no one cares that I'm trying, so why bother? I know I shouldn't base how I feel one what other people think. And I'm not really. I am so proud of myself for this last semester. Really. But, feeling that no one else really is. That's hard, and hurtful. When you're doing something for someone else, it seems to be easier. But to do it for yourself, that's pretty hard. Yes, I want to make myself better. But so I want to make myself better for me? Not really. It makes no difference where you are on the pole if at the end of the day you have no one to celebrate with.... Does it?

I'm so frustrated with life right now. I don't know what to do, where to turn. Everyone keeps telling me I have time, I'll figure it out. But do I? Will I? What if I don't? What if life just passes me by? What then? What if I choose one path and end up hating it? DO I have the time or strength to move to another? I wish someone would just tell me what to do. Or at least help me decide. I don't want anymore you'll figure it out's. I'm over that.

I'm stuck in a box. Alone with my nightmares, in a box. It's not where I want to be, it's not where anyone would want to be. But I can't seem to get out. As a child were you ever locked in a box? Someone talks you into getting in and then sits on top and won't let you out? Well that's how it feels, except someone forced me in and now won't let me out. It's pretty miserable here. It's 23o and I'm still awake. I don't want to sleep. I know what's coming. I know that they are only dreams. Nothing that happens will actually hurt me. But, they still scare me. Leave me anxious. Make me think more. Most thinking, is okay. But the thinking after a nightmare? Not so much. I hate them. I hate them. I HATE THEM!

So, I'm hearing from different people that verbalizing them may be able to help. SO I'm gonna try it. I'm up anyway right? Not the whole thing, just part of it. My nightmares have been increasing, so the content is wider. This particular one take place in a tree house. Kinda similar to scenes in Avatar. Quite a lot like the movie actually. But, what would be the Avatars, are all the Doctor who did this to me. Me and a bunch of people I care about are prisoners there. Then, he comes in with a gun and just starts shooting, killing the people I'm with. I start running. I'm in the forest, I can hear these creatures all around me....

Okay, that's enough. I can feel my anxiety increasing already. I don't think that's gonna help me sleep. Which, I actually need to try and do as it's not that long before I need to be up... Night all...

Listening

Sit quietly and listen. What do you hear? I hear my family eating dinner. Me typing on the keyboard. My mom clicking her mouse. Sounds, are more then just sounds. Every sound you hear is special, it means you're still alive. That's a good thing.

When I was in the hospital, there were a lot of sounds. Beeping, crying, screaming, breathing. All the time there were sounds. These sounds were actually comforting to me. It meant I was still alive, still able to be woken up. There are many nights, well memories of nights in the hospital that touched me. I would love to share some of them. But I just am not sure how. I don't know if it will hurt too much to do so.

I have the same nightmare I talked about here= http://gabbyswords.blogspot.com/2009/12/nights-like-this.html Except I'm alone. I wake up crying instead of screaming. It's pretty horrible. I hate to cry, I hate to cry alone.But in the middle of the night, I don't know what to do. My mom has to be up for work. I would feel bad waking her up. There's not really anyone else to go to. So I just lay there and cry, sometimes for hours. I don't want pity. I want you to know how real all of this still is for me. How much it still effects my everyday life.

It's been awhile since I talked about my PTSD. I guess I was hoping that if I just ignored it. It would go away. It got better for a little while. But now it's much worse again. I don't really understand it. Well I do but not in the sense that I know what's going on with my brain, just why it going on. I can't really explain it.

I'm downloading a bunch of music to my Ipod. But I think I'm gonna stop and go to bed. I have to work tomorrow and am super tired. Didn't get my nap today!*Gabby

NightS like this

Last night, well it was awful. Not the whole night. Just the wake up part of it. The dream. Oh the dream. It's left me in a funk. I've broke down crying a few times today, over this stupid dream. It really freaked me out!

It started just fine, I was in a house with my sister. I've never actually been in this house, except for before in my dreams. So we are exploring or something I'm not really sure. SO we go into this room that was apparently my room when I was alive and I in my dream was my granddaughter. So we are trying to figure out the clues that the old me left for the young me. So I try to turn off the Ipod I'm listening to, except when I take it out of my ear I can still her the music. One of the songs from Ghostbusters. I really did have my headphones in so I think that's where that came from. But then we look up and the DR who did all the mess up surgery on me is standing there smiling with a knife in his hand. I try to runn but I can't. Then I wake up screaming.

I'm still trying to recover.

So today, I'm not doing so great, but really what can you expect after a night like that?

Okay, I'm off to get out of this silly house and try not to think. *Gabby