Thursday, January 12, 2012

Three Years.

This is me, Three years ago today. 
Three years ago tonight I lay in the PICU after having major surgery with tubes coming out of every part of my body. 
Three years ago my mother and family spent the entire day in a waiting room wondering what would happen. Waiting for those updates that were few and far between. 
Three years ago my mother sat with the amazing surgeon after he had finished and learned of all the damage that was inside of me. 
Three years ago today, I guess you could say it all finally sunk in. 
It all hit.
We knew for certain. 
Three years ago today, my stomach was fixed to the best it would ever be again. 
Three years since I lay in that room with that little boy. He was around two years old I believe. His parents were not there. They didn't expect him to make it much longer. Yet, he fought on. He still tried. The beeping from all the machines was strangely comforting, I had never shared a hospital room before. The PICU nurse was great. He would ask me questions about doing all the different procedures that had to be done on me. Not because he didn't know, or because I did know. Just to keep me distracted. To be involved. 
To have a relationship other than on the skin. 
I was transfered to the floor shortly after. The little boy died the same night. And well. I can't help but wonder; was he alone? DId he have to spend his last moments alone? It saddens my heart. I am happy he is no longer in pain. 
I think of that little boy often. 
I wonder if I learned what he was teaching or if I just put him in my memory and grabbed the obvious lesson? 
I've made it three years now. 
Here's to 3x25 more! 

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


Well. Sorry. I feel like that's how I start every post these days. And really, I do mean to blog. I want to blog. I probably even need to blog. I just don't. I let others things get in the way. I get overwhelmed at the thought of how much to share on here. Because I don't want it to be sad here. I don't want a pity party. Ever. I just want to have my space here. Where I am free to be me. Free to say what I want. Because I don't have that place anywhere else. Yet I feel like that isn't possible with everything that is going on. It feels like I have no control. I want some form of control. Something to hold on to. I have that in Jesus. And then I have to deal with the people who tell me I'm wrong. They act like I'm in some kind of cult. Like I've been brainwashed. Which isn't true. I'm not stupid. I can recognize when something is wrong. ANd this. This is not. But, everyone here bringing me down. Has really pulled me down lately. I feel like most of the people in this town are against me. Like they are just waiting for me to fall. For me to fail. especially my family. It's the worst feeling ever. To know that they don't have my back no matter what. They have my back when I am who they think I should be. When I do what they want. Not when i have a mind of my own. And that is not okay with me. Okay? It's not okay with me for people to treat me like dirt. I am not dirt! I matter, too!! There is nothing wrong with me following Jesus and the Bible. Nothing at all. Actually it's the opposite. I know. People get jealous. People throw rocks at things that shine. Maybe they don't really mean to hurt me. But, they do. Every day, they hurt me. Every day, it hurts deeper. And every day, I stay. I don't cut those blood lines. I don't walk away from this family who doesn't approve of me. Why? Because they are family.... Which isn't a reason at all. It's not okay for anyone to put anyone through this. But I am letting my family just because they are family. They have made wounds that will never completely heal towards them. ANd every time I see them the get ripped back open. It hurts more each time. I don't need their approval, I want it. I want their love. I want the family. I'm selfish like that. I want them to love me for me. I don't need to be told it will pass. Because it might not. Nobody knows. If I can't sit here and take it till it does, if it does, well that will be good. If it doesn't, and I end up walking away. Well. I don't have a plan for that just yet. But until then I need it to just stop. I need space to not have to be stressed about it all the time. I need my space for a moment. Please. Stop. 
Sorry. My posts lately have no purpose. No theme towards what should be written this time of year. I'll get there. Eventually.
 I need to know who is still here with me? Who is standing here by me when the rest seem to turn the other way? Who still cares?