Sunday, April 29, 2012

i am not.

I am not your typical 20 year old. I have not had your typical life. I have not overcome typical trials. There is nothing typical about me. From my head to my feet I am different. I have scars. Oh do I have scars. Inside and out. Wounds might heal. But the scars are still there. I still have trouble with the scars on my stomach. They hurt when I move certain ways. Still now, 3 years later. They hurt. The scars inside me never stay scars for long. They tend to get ripped open often. 
Honestly, I've been struggling a lot lately. I feel so alone. Even when I'm around people. I feel quite a bit of the time completely invisible. I don't feel like what I have to say/ my opinion ever matters. I don't feel like anyone really cares if I'm around or not. So I just stay home. I work and go to Church. Other than that I'm alone. In my room. I don't like people to see me upset. I hate for anyone to see me cry. Lately I've been crying a lot. Which totally isn't typical for me. I honestly don't know how to get out of this rut. I feel like I'm in a pothole and everyone is piling dirt in on top of me. Well not everyone. But most people. I just can't take it any longer. But where would I go? If I just left. If I leave this all behind. If I just get in my cart and drive. Where would I end up? Who would still be there if I stopped putting forth the effort to have them around. Who would even care if I just disappeared. Became somebody else. Had a new life with new people. 
Don't get me wrong I love the people in my life. But I'm tired. Tired of only talking to anyone when I start the conversation. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of going to the Doctor alone. I'm just tired. I can't carry on like this. I don't need to be the center of anyones life. But I need to matter somewhere. I need to be able to be me. Not who everyone else wants me to be. I need to be real. I need to be free. I need to live and learn. I need to experience life. Not to a crazy extent. But to an extent that I'm not alone, all of the time. Maybe have the person I talk to most not be 3 months old. I just want to be loved for me. Not what I can do. Not who I could be. Just me. 
Now, because I know this is probably going thru a few minds. Yes, I know Jesus loves me more than I could ever fathom and HE is the only thing keeping me going. However, we were not made to be alone. God made Adam because He was lonely. Gad made Eve because Adam was lonely. God understands that we as humans need each other. We need that encouragement. We need to know that we aren't alone. We need to feel the love of each other. There has been so much going  on with other people lately that I haven't wanted to say anything to anyone. I don't want to look like I'm just fishing for attention. Because that really isn't it. If you have to ask for attention, it isn't affectionate. It isn't real. Like it's said, "If you have to tell people you're cool, you aren't cool." same goes with mattering. If you have to tell people you matter, you really don't matter. 
This is my blog. This is where I used to pour out my heart. I stopped because I was afraid of who might read and what people might think. I feel like a soda bottle all shook up and about  to explode. I can't handle things right now. I'm a mess. I can't do this alone. But I'm not asking anyone to stand by me because I don't even want to be around me right now. I wouldn't expect you to. 

Monday, April 23, 2012

I did.

My Father let when I was 4. I didn't see him again until I was 13. and have not seen him since then. I've talked to him more in the last year than I have my entire life. I have some "Daddy issues". Having him have left me before causes me stress when weeks go by that he doesn't call. He doesn't answer. This happens every few months. Truth be told, we are both new at this and not very good. But, I love him. I need him. He is my Daddy.  So I've just tried to deal with it. It never went more than 4 week without a call. I was alright, well I managed. Until recently. We hit the 8 week mark. I had called and left multiple messages. I didn't know what else to do. Did I do something? Say something? Was it me? All the feelings that I've felt so many times before as a little girl came flooding back. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I was in tears. I called. I'm not even sure what all I said in the message I left on her** phone. But, he called back that night. SO it must have really been my heart. And then I told him that I couldn't handle it. I needed him to be here consistently. I need to hear his voice. I need him. He was quite. He told me he was never leaving me again. Ever. He told me he loved me. That it was her not letting him use her phone that was keeping him from calling while they are out on the road. Good excuse? No. But it was at least honest. But I needed to hear him say all that. Am I completely convinced? No. Not yet. But that will take time. Deep wounds don't heal overnight and scars never go away. But, it was good to unload all of that on the person who had caused the feelings. Instead of keeping it all bound up inside of me.
And this was only one of the many emotional days I have had lately. I said what I've been holding all my life.
I did.
**Her as in the girlfriend.

Monday, April 16, 2012


I will be posting as soon as I can put my thoughts together enough to make sense...

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Checking... Out?

I feel like I've been kinda checked out of life lately. Probably because I really have been. Not on the major lock myself in a room and not speak to anyone level. But definitely on the keep mainly to myself and only leave when it is necessary. I have seriously only left my house for Church. To see a dear friend in the hospital(more to come) and for swimming lessons. And of course the Dr. Because that is a given. I don't remember the last full week I didn't see the Dr. Sad right there. So I guess I am getting out. But I still feel checked out even when I'm moving about, living life. I try not to talk to people much. Mainly because I'm super sensitive lately to the don't walk into the room wrong because Gabby just might burst into tears level. It's bad. I could say I don't know what's causing it. But I probably do. You can only put so much into one thing before something has to come out. I have been very good about numbing my emotions for the last few months because I just don't have the time to deal with them. But, Im not letting much of this mess inside of me out at all. Even less so in the past few weeks of hiding. Therefore I have set myself up for a major meltdown state for a few weeks. I will level back out I think. I hope. I dream(not really because I haven't been sleeping much. It just sounded nice.) 

I really need to just stay away from hospitals. Which means everyone I know has to do the same. I went and saw a friend who was having a tumor removed yesterday, She was in surgery still when we got there. So we sat with the family for a bit, I handled that well. Had to keep my distance emotionally but I did good. Then came the visiting in the ICU. I handled that, understandably. I couldn't bring myself to get very close, peeked at her incision and that was about it. Not sure she even really knew I was there. Then came time to leave. Which I was more than ready to do. My friend T kept asking me if I was going to say goodbye. I nicely declined. Which only made me look super rude when it was pointed out that I wasn't being personal. I couldn't do it though. For someone who has never been through any of that, it is a whole lot easier to watch. I could feel the pain. The smells. The sounds. It all was overwhelming. I held it together. Until I got home. Alone. Where I don't have to be strong for everyone else. Where I can just be me. At 3am. When no one else needs me. I can just be.

I more time to just be me. Not who everyone else needs or wants me to be. Just simply me. What is so wrong with me just being Gabby?