Monday, December 26, 2011

Lets Pretend.

Lets pretend for a little bit that I don't feel completely violated, that I don't feel like I'm the one at fault. That I'm okay. And while we are pretending that. Why don't we also pretend that I had any Christmas spirit at all. Lets pretend that my family likes me. Lets pretend that yesterday wasn't a complete disaster. We can pretend that I'm doing just fine. I'm not completely torn apart on the inside. We can pretend all the comments don't hurt. Why don't we, while we're at it pretend that I care at all... 
What we don't have to pretend is that everything will be fine. That one of these days all the stuff that's stressing me out will be over. We don't have to pretend that there are people that love me for me. They aren't asking me to be someone else. We don't have to pretend that I have found Jesus and my relationship with Him is so amazing and I would never trade it for the world. 

But, sometimes I get tired of pretending and at that point I don't know what to do. Because it's not me to fall apart in front of anyone else. I don't ask for mental support from anyone. I don't often cry in front of anyone. I mean very, very rare of me. So for me to stop pretending is a big deal. I'm known for my smile. No matter what is going on on the inside, I smile. Because I never want anyone to hurt because of me or for me again. I think I've caused enough of that in my lifetime already.

I know. I know. Not a very Christmassy post. But, it's what's on my heart and you really don't want to hear about the day I had yesterday. I got amazing gifts. But, that has nothing to do with Christmas. I do not support it. I am not Peagan. I'm not going to get into it all right now. But, if you are interested research the true origins of Christmas. It's scary stuff people. Scary stuff. 

Well. :) I hope you all had a good weekend and if I'm not back before the New Year have a happy New Year as well! 

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


 I'm not really in a bloggu mood but I have to give my mother back her computer bright and early so I have nno choice but to blog tonight if I want to be able to at all. So bear with me.
I'm having some friend troubles. I have friends, but not many of those friend who care past the convenient point. I'm not just a convenient type of person. I've always been told to be the friend you want to have. And really I stink at being a friend sometimes. But I always get off my high horse and apologize when I realize how crappy I've been.  This particular friend and I get along smashingly. But when I need her she tends to flake out on my with out a second thought a lot of the time. If I say I will help someone when I get off work at 6pm I will go help them when I get off work at 6pm. Not ignore them until 11pm when I text and say I needed some me time. Not that me time isn't important of course. But word to the wise. If the person you claim to be best friends with is going through a very traumatic time the night before a big event due to the traumaticness is probably not the best time to take me time and not tell them. Just saying. 

I get anal about things being on time. About me being on time. I always want to be on time. Well I think everyone does. I just get frustrated when I'm not. Like bad. Causes panic. And well it just isn't good. So. I have been trying to just let go. To not hold myself so tightly to a schedule that I know will be messed up. However, I have no middle. Either I'm anal about it or I flat out don't care. Which isn't any better. Where do I find a medium? Can I pick one up at the store? 
This song just came on the radio. I've heard it so many times before, but tonight it had new meaning for me. Funny how things do that huh? 

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I wrestle with my pain, struggle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry


When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause
Cause I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven.- Forgiven By Sanctus Real.

Yep.  After a 30 minute tantrum tonight the kids are asleep and I am so ready for bed I could cry, in fact I might. I'm overstressed, overwhelmed, and overtired. 
Until next time. Gabby