Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Already Lost

It kinda sucks. No, it really sucks. I've already lost. There is no way for me to win this fight. The day he used the knife on me. He won. Nothing I or anyone else can ever do will change or fix it. Sue. Yeah. But that's not going to make me feel any better. Though. I'm still doing it. I'm really just feeling defeated tonight. Really really. A spider got on me in the shower. And that was just the end. A spider. A stupid spider has put me over the edge. Great

I hate talking to anyone. I feel guilty for not being happy and not having only sunshine dust come out of my mouth. I know everyone must be tired of it. I'm tired of it. I don't want to leave my bed anymore. I still do. But, not without a fight. College, it's supposed to be the best years of my life. Instead. It's becoming something I don't want to remember. It really hurts.



It hurts.

I have black bags under my eyes. Maybe if I got more than 2 hours of sleep at a time they would go away.

Nevertheless I cake some makeup on and go out the door.


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I always think about sleeping

Then realize how silly that sounds. So I just stay up.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Forgetting to Breathe

(Facebook is down for me. GRR)

Here it goes.

I feel like dirt emotionally. I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm starting to feel numb again. Not completely. Just noticing that something, just don't matter. When maybe they should matter. Yet. I don't want to feel them. Who really wants to feel pain? Not me.

I can be very clinical about this. Really. Mentally I get that this is normal for someone suffering from PTSD. That this back and forth will go on for quite sometime, and it's completely normal. Other people deal with the exact same thing. It's okay to feel this way. It will get better.

See. I can be clinical.

But. Truthfully. That's not how I'm feeling.

I feel like I'm going crazy… Mental really. The lawsuit is coming to the end stages. I should be fine by now. I shouldn't be sleeping less than 12 hours a week. I shouldn't be waking up screaming when I do sleep. I shouldn't be living in irrational fear. I should be past this point. Why am I not past this point?

Only being able to see my Psychologist about every 6 weeks. It doesn't help. Yes, I could find one here in town. Will I? No. Before coming to college I was barely at the point of talking freely. Not because I don't feel comfortable with my specific Psychologist. Because I don't feel comfortable sharing. Much of anything. With hardly anyone. Not one person here in RS knows anything about my PTSD. Very few people back home know about it. How do you tell someone you're mental? It's not easy.

I'm going away a lot. Just hiding within myself. At things. I thought I was over. Like his name. Talking about PTSD in general. Not my specific case. Just that it exists. Talking about anything I've experienced. I just crawl inside and hide. It's all getting worse. The flashbacks the nightmares. Triggers. Numbness. Falling. . . . It's killing me to write this post.

Honestly. I'm a very picky person. Especially when it comes to friends. I don't like being around people who swear. So when It's my choice. I'm not. Most College aged people swear. Like sailors. That's not my bowl of soup. SO, I don't have many friends here. And by that, I mean I have one friend. She's great. She does however swear. But we've known each other for years. Not been close. But not enemies. She knows I hate swearing. SO when she does she apologizes. Which is good. But. It gets lonely here. Very lonely. I'm alone a lot. My day goes something like this.

Get up

Go to class

Eat lunch

Go to room

Hang out either in room or commons until time for work.

Go to work.

Go back to room.

Do homework or whatever until roomie comes back and wants to sleep

Do it all over again

With adding a night class Tuesday & Thursday

Really living right?

I'm so lonely. Yet there are very few people I even want to talk to. I feel guilty for talking. I have nothing good to say. Nobody wants to hear it. But I'm falling. Hitting the bottoms gonna hurt. It's not the first time. But this time I feel like I'm doing it alone. There's always been people around or just a text away. Yet, lately I feel completely cut off. The times I do get to talk to someone. I feel like everything comes out wrong. Like I'm broken. For some reason I can't say exactly what the problem is. Do I know what the problem is? Is there just one problem? No. It's a whole mess. I feel overwhelmed. So overwhelmed. I'm drowning here. Nobody is around to care.

My best friend is no longer my best friend. He doesn't even care. He's more interested in making people believe he's gay. When everybody can tell he isn't. When you truly believe you are homosexual. You don't have to try to be. It just comes. He seems like he is working so hard at it. Like he is trying to convince himself

Let me address this a little more. Homosexuality is wrong. Plain and simple. But so is lying. In Gods eyes the two sins are equal, all sins are equal. Who am I to judge or look down upon him for it when I struggle with my own problems? That's my take on it.

It doesn't hurt me that he is with him, not me. It hurts me that he is letting it come between us. I'm trying so hard to show him I'm okay with it. I just want him to be happy. Yet he is putting a wedge between us. It's killing me.

Such is life. This too shall pass. But right now. It hurts. Really bad.

So If you can't tell. I'm not okay. I'm broken. In pain. Falling. Alone. No one here to catch me, bring me back.

Great. I just love College.



Sunday, October 24, 2010

Too Much?

Yeah, just maybe.
I need a slow down.
I need to work out these stupid thoughts.
I need some cough syrup.
I don't want to go back tomorrow.
But I'm excited to be back

End of the lawsuit nearing.
What then?
Will it fix me?
Not in the least bit.
Won't make me feel one tiny bit better
or give me peace of mind.
It will probably send me into a Horrible PTSD funk, however.
I've found, that lately, I can hardly say his name and stay emotionally/mentally present.
one step forward. ten steps back.

I'm once again. Broke.
But. I get paid this week.
To be truthful
I get paid every week.
thats irrelevant

I saw my BGF(best guy friend) and he was no longer him.
We hugged.
He said I was too skinny
We argued about him leaving and not spending time with me.
I left.

Great memories? Oh yeah.
Still friends
Probably not.
Sad part?
I'm madly in love with him
He is in something. . .
With Nestor.
I'm a bit broken.
My heart
my mind.
It physically hurts.
I want him to be happy.
He isn't.
I know.
I see it in his eyes.
It breaks my heart.

I head to bed with a heavy heart.
Because this post didn't even scratch the surface of what's in my mind/ On my heart.
Just know.
It hurts.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Ever seen a belligerent COW?

Yeah, me neither. 
Must be 'cause they've been domestisized. . . 

Saturday, October 16, 2010


I really need to post.
A long, serious post.
But I just don't really want to think right now.
So it will have to wait.
Until I'm ready.
So until then. . .

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


Getting that last post up was RIDICULOUS!! Seriously. The links wouldn't work. It wouldn't let me post pictures…. GRR> But hopefully it works now….

Opinion/ Cloud Nine

This Is my Cloud Nine Photo.

Holding Precious Liam for the first time… I have to say, the Birth experience Was AMAZING. I cried… Link up here if you want to participate.

I have an opinion. A very strong opinion. On most subjects anyway. Not all. But most. When my opinion gets attacked, I fight back. Not that my opinion is always correct. But, if you don't agree with what I'm saying. Don't attack me. Come to me with compromise and show me other ways of thinking. Because, surprise! You aren't always right either. But, we are entitled to our own opinions. It's not right to argue them. I can believe the sky is blue, or I could believe it's pink. It's my choice. It's not your place to change what I think. Mainly because a detail like that, doesn't matter. Does it hurt you any if I believe the sky is pink? No. So why argue with me? When Someone asks for an opinion. I usually give mine. If I know a little bit of anything on the subject anyway. If I don't have an opinion, I won't share it. It's as simple as that. But. I'm usually strongly opinionated about everything. I didn't used to be as much of a sharer of my opinions, not that they didn't exist. I just didn't share. Over the events of the last few years, I've learned to share what I think about everything. But, I have also learned when to hold my tongue. Like, the topics of SNuggies. I just don't comment. But if it has to do with God, or the Bible. I'm right there.

I however sometimes give my opinion in the wrong mindset. I jump and growl. But this isn't a good quality. I don't want to be known as the girl who will fight you for everything you have just to show you her opinion. I don't care if you agree with my opinion, just don't attack it. Agreed?

Not that you all didn't already know I have an opinion…

More to come….. *Ga5bby

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Learning to let go…

Learning to let go is in no case easy. It's not fun. It's not even pleasant. But, in most cases it has to be done.

My heart weeps for the Ringgold family tonight, actually all day. Sweet Bella fought a long, hard battle and is finally pain free with Jesus. Please take a moment and offer some encouraging words to her family. They also need all the prayer they can get. I can't imagine how difficult this must be. Going in hoping for a cure for their sweet angel, coming out empty handed. They did an amazing thing though. They helped pave part of the way to maybe curing the world of EB. That has not gone unnoticed. They gave the biggest sacrifice they had. My heart is broken.


After reading the post of Bella's passing last night, it really got me thinking. How does one find the strength to let go?


I find it's an ever revolving process, at least for me. I'm still learning.

I'm learning to use Cruise Control when I drive, letting go of being in constant control of my speed. (sorta)

I'm learning to let go of the fear that all Doctors are going to hurt me.

I'm Learning to let go of the memories that come when someone says "Gabby, Breathe"

It's all hard. Sometimes unbearable. But it's all necessary. It's not a quick process, I've been working at most of it for a very long time. But, I know if I give up now, I'll never make it through.


Okay, my spill about letting go is over for now. Let me move on to everyday life.

I have a ton of homework. 3 papers due in the next week. Only one of which I've started. I have an Abnormal Psych exam in the morning, I need to study for. I have 4 articles to read, and journal my thoughts on. I have 4 chapters to read and make 3 questions for each chapter. I have to peer edit a paper. I have to find someone to peer edit my power point presentation. And 3 chapter quizzes to do. The life of a college student, right?

Grr. I can handle it. I'm just annoyed.

My lungs are killing me, I have to see a rheumatologist. Great fun.

My Regular Dr thinks it has to do with inflammation. Also great.

I'm on 2 new inhalers. Twice a day. They make me really absent minded. I don't enjoy it. Dr.W gave them to me Friday, by Sunday my lungs felt much better. Then last night out of nowhere they were killing me again. I laid in bed from like 7 until about 3am. I got up then and took ibuprofen and a sleeping pill. It knocked me out. I had super crazy dreams. But, it was still sleep, something I don't see much of anymore.

Well I really must tackle so of this homework… Until next time *Ga5bby

Monday, October 4, 2010

Over you.

Grr. I'm annoyed. My dorm room is occupied… So I'm in the commons. It really isn't that bad in here. That's really not what I'm annoyed about. I just get so tired of people thinking everything that ever happens anywhere it their business. It's not really. If someone says something on their blog that isn't true or you don't believe it. Get over it. Okay?

The misfits. That aren't me just invaded my area. Now I am back in my room. Which is now empty. Thank heavens. Grr. I hate this college scene thing. SO what If it's helping me grow and expand as a person. It's stupid and needless. Just let me get an apartment and come here when I have class. Thankyouverymuch. I've been in a pretty rotten mood all day. I need to talk. I'm just not sure how. … GRR… Every time I try to on here. I can't seem to find the words. Which makes me angry. SO I quit….

I'm having lung issues. SO being in constant pain doesn't help any. Called the Doctor. She wants to see me. Friday. Really Friday. That's so far away. Seems like FOREVER. But whatever. It hurts to breathe. Every breath I take feels like someone is poking my lungs. Feels like there is extreme pressure on my chest. It hurts my lung to swallow. Doesn't really make any sense. My inhaler helps for like 2 minutes. It makes my lungs not feel so tight. What's really bothering me is back in January when I was having lung problems, they found a spot on my left lung(I thnk it was the left) but right after that the found the spot in my liver and were more concerned with that and we all just kinda forgot about it until now. I was supposed to have it checked 2-3 weeks later to make sure it wasn't growing. But no dice. I'm hungry. But I know I'll regret eating. Both the process and the after math. Yeah. Food is not my best friend right now. It sounds good and all. I just feel awful as soon as I smell or taste it. Grand. I really want sushi. Like REALLY REALLY. But I know it will make me really really sick. SO I will refrain from fulfilling my desire. I think I'm gonna go get some heat packs for my chest. Or something… Something has to bring relief… Right???

Sunday, October 3, 2010

This is my first time holding precious Liam. I was there for the birth and it was AMAZING. In this picture I had been awake for a good 36 hours. It was crazy. Still paying off my sleep debt.
Liam Joel Perry 6lbs 4oz 17in long,

People frustrate me.

What joy comes from hurting someone else? Is it fun? No. It makes me feel like crap. Why do others feel it is their 'job' to do so? Reading in a forum tonight I seriously got angry. It's not okay to derail anyone publicly no matter what they did. If you have a problem with someone go to them personally and talk about it. I get so tired of living in a world where everyone acts like 3 year olds. Tattle tattle tattle. Seriously people, give it up. Don't read a blog if you don't enjoy it. Don't be the grief in someones life. It's not fair to them or those around them. I'm not just saying this because I happen to respect said blogger. I fight for people I don't respect also. I may not be thrilled about the current President. But fact is it's not my choice. He is in charge. I HAVE to respect him. You talk bad about him in front of me. You might just meet my fist. And those of you who know me know that I am not a violent person in the least bit. It takes a lot to get a rise out of me. And well this is it. If you aren't old enough to use proper ethics on the internet maybe you should get off and go play with your barbies. GRR.


Seriously, I don't agree with everything on every blog I've ever read. But it isn't my place(or yours) to correct them.

That's a bad choice of words. They don't need corrected. They don't need to hear your opinion. They don't need you to read what they have to say. Just let people have their blogs and GROW UP. Seriously. I realize I've said seriously a lot tonight. But it's better than some of the things I'm thinking, because guess what. i'm human. WHOAjust like you. Just like said blogger. And guess what else. I make mistakes. WHOA I know. I'm way out of line Here. No wait. I'm not. This is my blog. You don't like what I have to say. That's fine. Don't read. It doesn't bother me.

Grr. Okay. That's all. I'll drop it now. I'm just so angry with the way "adults" are handling this. Really angry. SO I'm going to go to bed and try to cool down. Hopefully I will sleep. But I doubt it. Sleep has not been easy lately. Too many nightmares. But still I try? Okay.

Have a goodnight everyone. I will try to post about my beautiful new nephew tomorrow. Probably no pictures. But cross your fingers and maybe the internet at school will let me…. J Gabby



Friday, October 1, 2010

Some light reading. (Will be posting soon)


This assignment was about writing a paper on identity, which meant I had to really think about what composes my identity. There are so many different aspects that make up me as a whole. Choosing just four was hard. It took a lot of thought and consideration. But I have chosen what I find to be the four main things that make me well, me.

My family's impact on me has been large. Not in the "My family loves me and is always there" kind of way. More that I've learned so many life lessons from them, the impact, good and bad, really has helped to mold me in to the person I am today. My family is not your normal everyday American family. My parents are divorced. In the last 15 years I've seen my father twice. I have 7 older siblings, 5 from my mother and 2 from my father. My fathers children I've never met. My mom remarried when I was 5.. They divorced when I was 11.

My oldest brother has been into drugs as long as I can remember. Growing up, there was reminder after reminder of what drugs do to a person. My Mom is raising two of his three children. He has shown me the kind of parent I never want to be, and the man I never want to marry. His twin boys, who are now 10, are really amazing considering all that they've been through. They've taught me a deeper love and patience. All my siblings have shown me things I want and don't want to be. All of them who have kids, excluding my oldest brother, are great parents, loving and devoted spouses, smart and caring people. They have helped me to have a more receptive and caring identity.

My Mother, whom I love to pieces, is always there for me. She is an amazing mother and person. Being a single mother isn't easy. But she's always tries to give us what we want. She has shown me that no matter the situation, or the consequence. You do what is needed of you. She has shown me how to be strong person even in hard times, to hold on to what I believe in and stand my ground. Through her I am stronger in my identity.

One of the biggest role models in my life is Debi Schmelzenbach, she's not actually related to me. She's been there for me through the hardest years of my life. She stuck by my side, even when I didn't want to. She offered advice, showed loved, and listened. She is a very Godly woman,. She has taught me true meaning of friendship. That, no matter what happens you stick by those you care about when they need you. Even when they don't realize it's you they need. Debi and my Mother have both shown me real faith in God.

Being homeschooled was an experience I wouldn't trade for anything. I loved it. A lot of people are against it, and I agree that it isn't always the best option. But for me it was. I was able to learn at my pace, for the most part. I didn't have the same peer pressure, for the most part. In the town I grew up in, we had a home school group. So I still got the social interaction. Through it I learned better problem solving skills, as after my Mom and Step-dad divorced when I was 11 I was on my own with getting my schooling done a lot. There wasn't always someone to ask.

I also think I learned how to be a better friend. There wasn't an endless supply of people around like in public school. The friends I made were the friends I had. I learned not to take them for granted and think before I did something that might hurt them. Now, I'm not saying that I've never done those things, I am human. I've just noticed that a lot of the public schooled kids I know, don't really care that much about their friends. If they make one mad they go to the next. I was also brought so much closer to my family through home schooling. It was me and my three older sisters. I was in first grade and my oldest sister was a freshman in high school. We all fought. We all disliked each other. But in the end, we all were closer. The importance of family is something not everyone sees. Being Homeschooled helped me realize it by bringing me closer to them and having to rely on them for a lot of my social interaction.

My medical Challenges have impacted me the most I think. Growing up I was the kid with chronic belly aches. Had tests done at a young age, but nothing ever showed up. Then because of my horrid acid reflux we were referred to a local surgeon who discovered a hiatal hernia. I had my first surgery at the age of 15, then another 3 months later to have my gall bladder removed, and another three months later to remove my appendix. Then there was a nine month break. July 17th 2008 was the day that changed me forever. Well not the day per se, but the events that followed. The short 1 hour surgery, turned into a multiple hour surgery. The overnight stay turned into 10 days in Evanston, eight of them in ICU, and 4 weeks at Primary Children's Medical Center. Where they found I had Pancreatitis, many infected abscesses in my lungs and abdomen, which required multiple hospitalizations over the next year. In January 2009 I had another 8+ hour surgery at Primary Children's Medical Center to correct the misfortunes done by the previous surgeon, which lead to another 3 weeks in the hospital.

What kind of an impact might this have on a person? Well, personally, I found lying in a bed in the ICU hardly breathing, barely awake, hearing the many Doctors in the room telling your mother that you had less than a 20% chance of survival. It does change someone. Knowing that I'm in the <20% that shouldn't be alive, that I'm really nothing short of a miracle. Knowing that for some reason God wants me personally here has given me a different outlook on life. Maybe even a new zest, though it took me a long time after everything happened to find. It's still there, inside begging to get out. A want to do more with the oh so limited time I know we all have. I realize now how fragile life really is. How much we really need to embrace today. This gives me a more spontaneous identity.

Though, knowing all of this can be really overwhelming at times. Have you ever asked God "why me"? I do every day. The day after I was transferred off ICU the little guy that I shared a room with, not even a year old, passed away. Why him? Why not me? What is it about me that makes my life needed? Why must I live? No one can really answer those questions. We can try. But ultimately only God knows. At that time, I wasn't changed. The aftermath of it all is what really affected me. Realizing things I heard. Understanding why the nurses were crying on more than one occasion is overwhelming some days.

Knowing that the first surgeon did all that he did without really knowing or caring if he was doing it right, or fixing the problem. He was just looking for a paycheck. That can be unbearable. Learning to adjust to life after almost dying, having weeks that I don't remember of my life, learning to eat again. (Something that they never thought I'd be able to do.) Seeing the scars left from it every single day. Knowing that I'm 'different'. It's undeniably hard some days. Going through a law suit, while starting College, it's not exactly easy.

Knowing that the way I view life is different than the average 19 year old girl, knowing that I'll never be "normal". It's all part of what makes me Gabby. It forces me to have a more positive identity. The negative can and does quite often bring me down. If I'm not positive at the roots everything falls apart fast. This part of my life will continue to shape me for the rest of my life I suppose.

My beliefs are what have brought me this far in life, knowing that I'm actually living for something, that when I die I'm going to heaven. Knowing that there is more to life than just things and pleasure, and having assurance that no matter what I do, I'm a child of God. Being a Christian is not always glitter and butterflies. But I always know that God is with me, even though I may not feel Him right at that moment. People always want to know how I can still have faith in God after all I've been through. But the question is how I could not? How could I live my life, a miracle, without praising God everyday for it? Without God, I would without a doubt not be alive right now. It is what keeps me together at the seams. My faith, well it is me, it's why I live, and it's who I am.

I recently went Skydiving. It was the most amazing experience of my life. The place I went to was Tooele Utah, right off the Great Salt Lake. On the plane ride, all I could think was "this is going to be so cool." Oh boy was I underestimating it. Words really can't describe the way I felt, feet on the edge of the plane looking down at the beautiful earth God created. Knowing I was about to jump out in to nothing. Heart pounding, mind racing. Off we went. Falling at 115mph. Being able to see for miles in each direction. Realizing how small I really am. I'm just a speck. I could see so much. Yet, that was just One County, in one State, in one Country.

The world is so big. I don't think I really realized it until that moment. The moment that defines everyone in their life happens at different time, in a different place. That moment for me was 10,000+ feet in the air. Strapped to some man I didn't know. Who controlled my life at that time. It was exhilarating. It was the biggest adrenaline rush of my life. Nothing will ever beat how close I felt to God for those 5 minutes. He was there, showing me his creations. Telling me, I really can trust Him with my entire life. He created that beautiful picture I was able to see up there. He is able to sustain me.

Life is beautiful, fragile, and absolutely amazing. I rest assured that I'm taken care of. Not that I don't have my moments. Again, I am only human. I freak out over things. I get stressed beyond what I believe I can handle. I am in College after all. But at the end of the day I always know where I'm going, and how much I'm loved. Not because I've had a perfect life, and not just by God. I am loved by my family and friends, through the bad and the good. I am loved though my body isn't perfect. I am loved for me and my true identity.