Monday, November 30, 2009
I don't really have a lot to post tonight.... Not that I really ever do. Tonight it just seems less. Not that I don't have a lot going on in my mind, just finding a away to let it out and still be okay, well is going to be hard....
I was up half the night last night, for more then one reason. I think I was having this silly pain, and my hands and feet were burning. Only I can take enough sleeping pills to "knock out a horse" and still be awake. They do knock me out for maybe 2 hours, if I'm lucky. But hey, I'll that any good sleep I can get!
So I'm in need of a taco, which lucky for me, we have that stuff. Right now the things I want to eat are, tacos, potato chips and pickles, and queso on pizza rolls. I will only eat a few bites of any of it before getting nauseous, but that's what sounds good. Actually at work today, I managed to get through half a cheese burger before becoming nauseous. Its not the horrible nausea that I used to get that the only way to get rid of it was sleep. Its just uncomfortable. And feels like my stomach is trying to come up my throat, that's part of the rumination syndrome. Oh how its fun to have and have had all these different syndromes, really I could do a post just on the different things I've been diagnosed with.
I really do have a love for tacos. I eat mine with onions, lettuce. and green Tabasco. Yum!! How do you eat yours? Nothing better the tacos in my opinion, well maybe steak, but that's a rare meal in our house. No pun intended!!! Ha ha now that you all are probably laughing at me rather then the joke I'm going to move on!
I'm listening to one of my new found loves, Lady Gaga! Beautiful, dirty, rich, is what happens to be playing right now. My favorite is either Bad Romance or Just Dance. Not sure which. I also love The Strange Familiar. The song on my page is by them, my good friend B actually got me into them. I'm downloading my Cd's to my computer, so I can put them on my Ipod! Because I NEED more music on it:). What are some of your favorite music groups? Really this isn't all of mine, I just don't feel like putting them on here right now.
Okay so I know I've mentioned her before but again I want to mention Debi... Who IS going to do a guest post that I'm so excited about! I never really said how I met her. Well when I was in the hospital, summer 08, my mom spent a lot of time playing online, robo runner. Well when Debi found out that I was in the hospital down there she asked if she could come see us, because she lived relatively close to the hospital. SO she came, honestly I was on so many drugs I don't really remember he visit, well maybe I do, I don't know. Its all blurred together. So after that she came a few more times. I went home. Then anytime we were down there and she was free she would come sit at the hospital with my mom while I was having tests done. They built a relationship. She was there a lot when I was in the hospital Jan-Feb 09. Since I spent a little time in there every month until July, we got to see her a lot. Then when I was in the mental health place in august, she came every day. That meant so much to me. We built, in my opinion, a great relationship during that time. Some days I'm sure I looked like a wreck and felt even worse, but she was there, gave me advice, hugged me. Just made me feel better. While she isn't actually from my home having her there was like having a little piece of home with me, for just a minute. :) Now I love her to death, and don't know what I'd do without her. I'm so thankful God has put her in my life.
SO mom got an email from Dr.Downy today. Had said he is going to help figure out why I'm having all these problems again. He also said he missed us! Seriously, I thought I was crazy for missing my surgeon, but since he misses me too, I feel much better about it. That's another special relationship I've made through this medical crap. And that's just two of many. I am still in contact with quite a few of the nurses and techs that took care of me in the hospital. Weird? Yeah but I love it.
So much for not having much to post eh? Okay its after 11pm and I must be getting to bed. Goodnight.*Gabby
Sunday, November 29, 2009
After my 13 hours of odd sleep, I awoke needing to take my medicine. Ate half of a turkey cranberry sandwich on a roll. Drank some raspberry iced tea and now I'm in my chair, under many blankets, in need of a nap. Maybe I'll turn NCIS on and sleep the afternoon away. Oh and I had a NCIS dream... It was odd. Very odd. Have a good day! *Gabby
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Today, I laid around all day, not really sleeping, just kinda out of it. I fell asleep around 12 last night. woke up around 1am, and just kinda dozed for the rest of the night. It wasn't great. When I was able to get out of bed, I had an awful headache. No good.
When you need a break, where do you turn? When being at your breaking point? Is it okay to break for a minute? Not breaking point like suicidal. More like falling apart. Just wanting to breakdown and cry. To lose myself for a few days. Not have to worry about responsibility.
Will it really help me? No not really. I doubt I'll feel any better. But it's still what I want to do. But I won't, it's not me.
Well I'm tired. Gonna go to bed I think. If I can sleep. Okay. *Gabby
Friday, November 27, 2009
Tonight, I'm frustrated. Why? Because my favorite holiday was yesterday, I didn't get to enjoy it. I wanted to. But couldn't. Let me explain. It wasn't because I have nothing to be thankful for. Because I do. Not because my mother didn't make it magical. She did. But because I'm going down hill. I hardly eat any more. SO dinner, well I spent most of it trying not to dry heave. Not enjoyable. I really do know that food is not the point of Thanksgiving. But It's my favorite part. I know it could be worse. I know all of these things. But that doesn't make me feel any better.
Because I never feel like eating, I'm losing weight. I'm no where near as small as I was last winter. But Non-the-less, I'm losing. I'm having horrible cravings. For odd things. yesterday at dinner all I could think about was pickles and potato chips. Really? Why? I just wanted to enjoy a delish meal, thats all. Tonight, there's a fridge full of yummy leftovers(only leftovers I eat are thanksgiving), and all I wanted was pizza rolls with queso sauce on them. I took a picture, but haven't figured out that part of my computer yet. I've eaten 4 of the little rolls, and thats pretty much my food for the day. I'm frustrated, frustrated that this is supposed to be fixed and its not. I'm so tired of being told to deep breathe. Really next person who says that to me might just see me lose it.
I'm having a lot more stomach pain. I don't really have much to say about that, I don't know what it is. It just hurts. ....
Okay, this probably isn't my last vent post of the night. But I need a break. SO this one is ending.*Gabby
I'm going to spend the evening playing Regnum Online. It will be good.
Good day! *Gabby
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
So this post has taken forever to get up. It's close to midnight now. But I will finish it, non-the-less. Unless I fall alseep on the cuputer and a brick falls on my head. Then I won't.
I've been having these dream, they really freak me out. The kind of dream where you wake up out of breath crying and have to figure out what really happened in your life, then it keep popping up for days. The ones that noone wants to have. But non-the-less (my word of the day) I still have them. I'd go into detail but I'm tired and hoping not thinking about it will help them go away.
So the reason this post is taking sooo long is because I had to make a run to my sisters to get a pan for the strawberry jello(i have pictures). So I put on my big girl... PANTS(theres more to that then you really want to know) and headed out into the cold winter night. GOt to my sisters. as soon as I walk in the door my 7 yr old neice walks up with my nephew. I fell in love all over again, with both of them! So I held him for a few mintues before I left. Came home and helped mom get food ready, Thanksgiving is big at our house. We have enough food to feed an Army. Or live off of leftovers for a few days. And I the picky eater, eat, almost, everything she makes. I will try to take pictures of everything tomorrow. I would like to do a post on Thanksgiving, and one on the family. WHo's who, and whatnot. All but my oldest brother will be here, sadly I'm happy he won't. He called me a few names a few ear back and I haven't talked to him since, well mabe thats a lie. I talked to him the summer I spent in the hospital for a minute. I was on so many drugs, and in need for contct for the outside world, I would have talked to anyone. The conversation lasted all of a minute. So other then that, I haven't talked to him.
About the title, I thought it was funny,I took a quiz on facebook and that was my random saying... Not that I've ever in my life said that, but apparently thats my saying, so I'll take it like a man or-woman, to be exact!!! I'm so tired I'm rambling, I hope you're enjoying this.
So when I said i tripped over a broom and fell out the window, they were two SEPARATE events. I'm not the coordinated to do that, I usually catch my face with a wall of=r table r something. just falling out the window would probably hurt less. Luckily lately I haven't had my normal bruise like a peach skin, don't know if I should be worried about that or not, so right now I choose not...
The sore on the back of my head seem to be heaing, it still hurts just as much. Though it seems smaller. The bump next to it is definately smaller. SO hopefully it won't require medical attention. I still have a tooth ache, but I hate making phone calls, so nothings being done about it. Maybe I can get mom to call!!! Haha you didn't tell her not to call the dentist did you? I sure hope not, because I'm tired of it hurting, BUT not to the point I would call myself... SO we/ I will wait. Okay now I'm really dragging. I probably won't post until friday, Maybe tomorrow, don't count on it. I will be shopping black friday specials in the morning. Coputer, Ipod Touch are a few things on my list, Since no of you who read this are in town, I feel just fine telling you that ;)
Hope you all have great thanksgiving. What are you thankful or? Right now. I'm thankful that I may get to see my bestest friend this Christmas, haven't seen her in years. I'm happy. Now I must clean my computer off the couch. Haha I'll take a picture. *Gabs
P.S. I didn't spell check this. SORRY. But I'm too tired!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Sorry I'm getting this up so late. Busy day. SO Debi is the winner of the comment contest. :). If she will I would love her to do a guest post, about anything she wants. ... If she will. I do love her, I love her input, I love how she always makes me feel better. Love it.
I so wanted to do an interesting post tonight. And I think I've come up with one. There are two people I want to blog about tonight. I think they're both great. First, Kellee Jones, http://loveandcf.blogspot.com/ she's great! I met her through my blog, now we talk everyday. Really I love all the wonderful people I've met through this. Go check out her blog. It's fun and life all mixed together. I love it.
Okay the second person I want to talk about, My all time bestest friend, Rebekah. I love her to death. We had been out of contacted for a few years but recently got back in contact. I love it. It's like we haven't lost a day. She is the sweetest person. http://theaustenite.blogspot.com/ Go check her blog out. If you go back though the posts you will see some artwork shes done. AMAZING. I can't wait to be able to see her. She's gonna draw me!!! I'm excited if you can't tell. Though if I just got to see her and she didn't draw me, I'd be just as excited!!!
Well I'm exhausted. So I'm gonna head to bed. I try to remember to take pictures of Thanksgiving and the prep there of. We'll see. Thank you for reading!!!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
The contest below is open tell I get home tomorrow. Please comment.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
This is my nephew Drew7 months, and Peleg 12 days. He was all about giving the baby kisses, it was so cute! But do you think he would even consider giving me a kiss? NO!!! Such a stinker. He is all over the place. He crawls, pulls himself up, has 4-6 teeth, eats mostly table food. He is the chunkiest baby! He is probably 25lbs, he hangs over both ends of his infant carrier. Seriously huge. But I Love him SOOOO much. Sorry this is sideways!!! My computer still isn't working great so I can't access my photo editor and this is how it came out. I was so excited. This was my first time "babywearing"! I LOVED IT. Seriously. He's a big baby and I didn't even feel like I was holding him. It was great!!!
So it's getting close to Thanksgiving. I know I have a lot to be thankful for. But right now, I'm not feeling it. So what are you thankful for, please leave me comment telling me! Help me get in the spirit! I do love Thanksgiving though. I just love to eat! Go on an ice chip diet for a few months, you learn to love ALL food. Don't get me wrong, there's still foods I don't care for, but I'll eat anything. It's truly a miracle that I'm able to eat at all. They(the DRS) didn't expect me to ever be able to eat again. So this soon. Miracle!!! But no matter how much I eat, I'm still losing weight. Might just be my body stabilizing out. As all of what I've gained is TPN forced weight. But My eating goes up and down too. Some days, not that's not right, ALL days, I don't really feel like eating, not feel like as in not hungry, I still want food. Some days I'm able to get a LOT of calories down. Others, I'm doing good if I get a half a cheese burger down. When I say cheese burger I mean the single patty one from McDonald's. The smallest one they have... So in that area I'm struggling right now. Any extra prayers you could send up for me would be appreciated....
Lately, as I think I mentioned to you the other day, my mood has also been struggling. I understand that all days won't be peachy, but having so many "down" days just makes me feel even worse. I've been sleeping even less the the usual 3-5 hours. So I've been taking sleep aids. Which don't really help, they just make me groggy, which is better then laying in bed wide awake. So I will continue to take them, maybe they'll start working, who knows...
So my eating's been crazy. My mood has been low. My weight is dropping. My "boyfriend" is 1,000's of miles away. I have a toothache. Stomach pain. Resentful feelings towards people that were buried during surgery-recovery, are coming out. My work schedule, well its awful. And somehow, I need to find a thankful spirit? Okay, really, HELP ME HERE. I need it.
"The Life Pursuit" What do you do when hope is all but gone? You need a brother to lean on But your brother's gone Your sister's in the wrong part of town I took a walk to remember ecstasy It's not today, not even yesterday Songs of praise all very well Their voices swell They tug at sadness Like love tugging at your sleeve Is it worth the pain To walk into the void again? In your darkest hour he is the tiniest light Light that's found beyond your present situation And it's wide and it's broad, beyond all estimation Is your belly fat, is your man a? Do in-growing hairs provide you with strange fascination? The highlight of your day is plucking all the roots away You took a walk to remember ecstasy It's not today, not even yesterday In your darkest hour he is the tiniest light The smallest of sparks He's a tinderbox, he's a flaming torch Pinch your self quite hard, in a place that hurts If it doesn't work, ask your friend to comply And if they hit the spot You can let yourself cry And when the teardrops stop, I will take you for a drive I'll explain all I know about the spiritual side Life that's found beyond your present situation And it's wide and it's broad, beyond all estimation
That song has so much meaning to me right now. Odd. But that's okay, I'm not known for being "normal" whatever that is.
So other then, well everything that's going on, "I'm fine". I'll "get over it". I'll put on my "grown up pants". I'll "move on". BUT while I do all that. I will blog. Sometimes it won't be "pretty". Sometimes you won't like it. But as it is with sport- "what makes a true fan is following them through their off seasons too". While you may not be "fans" That statement still has so much truth, just because I may have some down times, you may not like my post, don't stop reading. One day, I'll be winning again!
Okay now that this has become my longest post EVER, I'll be done. I feel like I should do something. I don't have anything to give away. So while this isn't a great honor like it might be on other blogs, the person who's comment touches me the most, I'll post on the blog, hey maybe I'll even let you do a guest post! Wouldn't that be exciting, you get to be heard by the whole 11 followers! But then again, they are the most WONDERFUL followers I could ask for! Considering most of you have your own blogs, its not that great. But it's all I can do right now. So leave me a comment, say something touching, leave your email address. I'll figure something out. This will end sometime Monday. So hurry up and comment!!! Okay turning off now! Have a good night! *Gabby
Friday, November 20, 2009
I really did NOT enjoy the book!! But I wanted to see how they did on the movie. So I'm going. We'll see how it turns out. It's going to be crazy, I'm sure. So now I'm off to do my hair and get dressed! Maybe I'll post on the movie after I get home. We'll see. *Gabby
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Sorry for all the short posts tonight. I'm trying to lift my spirits and there is not much more to do.
I'm watching NCIS. Already saw this one so its rather boring. But mom hasn't... So here we are watching it. ...
I'm about ready for bed. But not quite. I know the earlier I hit the sack, the earlier I wake up. So I will stay up tell 11 and hope to sleep straight until 4 or 5. Then it will be up on and off until 9. But it most likely won't happen like that. I will probably be up tell 1 and then up at 4. It makes a very grumpy Gabby. Really. Can you imagine me grumpy? Its not a pretty picture. That's why I take a nap in the middle of the day. I can't make it the whole day most of the time. Every once in a while I can do it. As long as I keep busy I do okay.
I have an awful toothache. ... Its making me miserable. Really, stomach pain, tooth pain. They don't mix well. Hoping to find a dentist that will take my insurance. Its not a likely situation. SO if it doesn't go away by Monday I will be at the dentist regardless of insurance.
Okay, so there's only a handful of things that make me tick. But one is someone else using my bath towel. And tonight, I get out of the shower, grab my towel, and its wet! EWW!! So Gross. I freaked out. Threw it on the floor. I can't stand that. That's like wearing someone Else's dirty underwear. Seriously GROSS!!! Sorry. Just had to get that out!!!
So now I will head to bed. With some pain meds and a hot pack. Hope to sleep More then three hours. Hmm I just realized I have some sleeping pills in he cupboard. Maybe I'll take one. See how it turns out.
Oh BTW I am sitting on the couch with my computer on my lap. Seriously that's exciting for me. The screen hadn't worked in months and randomly the other day it started working. Still blacks out at times. But comes back if I restart it. I still plan on getting a new one because it only runs in safe mode. Which doesn't allow me to do much. But until I get a new one, I am more then happy to use this one. Have a good night. *Gabs
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Okay, to be completely honest, I'm a mess right now. I'm in quite a bit of pain. Which I can usually deal with, IF I can sleep. But I just got home a little bit ago so that wasn't an option.
But really that's not whats bothering me. One of my "good" friends mom had brain surgery yesterday, I find out after that fact. Why does it always happen like that? I would much rather be in the loop so I can help during, then find out after its all over with. She was like a second mom to me. But instead I find out after, And feel completely useless. Story of my life.
Should knowing that someone else has it worse then me make me feel better? Because it doesn't. It actually makes me feel worse. Knowing that its not just me suffering, but that someone is actually hurting more then me. It's an awful feeling. I don't like to be in pain so why should I feel better knowing that someone else is in pain? Doesn't make sense to me.
I'm a very sensitive person. I don't show it very often. I put on this front, one that says I don't really care about much, mainly because I know if I let myself show that I care, I won't be able to hold back the tears. When I was in the treatment center back in August, I think I cried for like 6 days straight. I felt awful that whole time. But I couldn't hold it together any longer. I felt like I had failed everyone in my life. Even the blog world. Because I knew that there was people in worse situations that were holding together just fine. But I couldn't. Made me feel worse.
Well you got my heart tonight. Maybe tomorrow I'll give the story of "Tho Girl Who Cared" I don't work. So I should be able to!
Now I'm going to take a long hot bath. It will take away the french fry smell and hopefully help my tummy! Goodnight*Gabby
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Stupid depression commercial just came on. I'm really not loving how often they come on. So now I'm annoyed.... But I will move on and continue to write.
I've been feeling, well I don't really have an exact word for what I've been feeling. Good for the most part. But I have moments of extreem sadness. Moments where all I want to do is curl up and cry. Moments where I don't feel like I can hold it together any longer. But somehow, I manage to get through those moments. I move on, the world keeps spinning. Or at least it feels like is spinning. I'm standing still and eveyone else is carrying on.
I'm chatting with Troy, its amazing. I miss him so much. I can't wait tell he comes home in April.
I'm tired and don't feel like blogging anymore. Maybe tomorrow! *Gabby
Monday, November 16, 2009
I will however share how clumsy I've been the last week. Monday- slammed my foot in the car door. Tuesday-fell UP the stairs and hurt my knee. Friday- walking through the store, realize my hand is wet look down to see my hand is bleeding. Today- CUT my finger on a salt pack, burnt my finger in the fry grease. Slammed my elbow in between the ketchup box and the counter... Wow I need to just stay in bed.
I'm having a lot of stomach pain, have all day. Work was awful. I was in drive thru most of the night and bending out the window was horrid! Now I plan on going to bed. One of these days, when I get a new computer, I will post on something with more meaning then how I managed to hurt myself. But until then. Enjoy the little things!*Gabby.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Its 7:56am. I'm awake. Waiting for the school bus. When it comes, I will be going back to bed. Hopefully I will sleep very nicely. Unlike last night. I was up until 1 and then every hour after that. My stomach pain seems to be getting worse and more frequent. It's not just "gas" like I keep being told. But what do I know? It's only my body.
Troy is on leave. He didn't come here. He went to Canada to see his family. Been texting him. A lot actually. Had a very uhm... "Interesting" Conversation with him last night. Lets just say it did not go well for him. The Icon at the top pretty much says how I'm feeling about him right now. Men. AH.
Well there went to school bus. Yay. Back to bed! Maybe I'll post about something "deeper" later. If I have it in me. *Gabby
Thursday, November 5, 2009
This is Bobbi, this was taken on my 16th birthday.
Bobbi and I USED to be GREAT friends.
And I mean GREAT friends. we were inseparable that summer.
We had So much fun. Doing what teenaged girls do.
WE walked ALL over town.
Since we live in such a small town it was okay.
We even had our own language.
Seriously I've never had more fun then the fun I USED to have with Bobbi
One day Bobbi decided I was no longer "GOOD" enough to be her friend
Seriously. Who does that?
Okay so I have to be honest. I only posted this to try to get me out
of this "pity party". And it kinda worked.
Now I need to go finish cleaning.
Doesn't that sound like fun?
Mom is gone for the night. AGAIN!
Its really getting old.
But whatever makes her happy!
Maybe I'll post again later
As I have a topic to talk about.
Today, I'm feeling sad. Don't really have a reason. Just sad. But tomorrow is a new day. Maybe I'll feel better. *Gabby