Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Frozen?

Well, I'm cold. I want to be in my bed, under my electric blanket. But instead, I'm blogging.

Some silly things that have been said/done to me at work recently.
Today, two men pull up to the window. The man in the passengers seat says "how tall are you?" Me " about 54" Man driving "wow you're small." WELL DUH. Did you need to know how tall I was to get that conclusion? Because I'm pretty sure you should have been able to figure it out by looking at me.

I'm stocking front counter, that involves moving boxes back and forth for the back. Well one of the men in the back stops me to say "you have something on your pants" Oh thanks I think, until I realize its on my butt. Gosh!

I was singing :) to this girl I work with, Sarah. I started dancing, and as I backed up got wacked in the head with a bucket of ice OUCH!

Next day, I'm working back drive. I slam my head on the window. Momentarily lose vision. As it returns the lady at my window is giving me the rudest glare. "Yes ma'am, I did that to make you late". Some people are just stupid.

I'm getting the food for drive through, this man pulls up and waves at me. I'm like who the heck are you? He keeps waving. I look to make sure no ones behind me that he could be waving at. Nope. I give him the Gabby glare. He start shaking his finger at me, UHM whose the creeper here?

There is so much more, I'm usually laughing while I'm there. I talk to myself a lot! Not on purpose, people just don't listen to me.

I've been all about listening to music lately. All the time. It helps keep me focused. So that I don't zones as much. I still do a bit, just not as much.

I'm off for at least 3 days. It will be nice. So maybe I'll have some interesting posts up in the next couple of days. :) If we get pictures New Years Eve. I will post them. Yeah, I know I say that ALL the time. One time I really will.
*Gabs

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Debi

Well, I just got off work... Like an hour ago I guess. I left my drink downstairs:(! Took a nice shower. And making my headache worse with the blaring Lady Gaga. But enjoying it nonetheless.

So since this is my blog. :) Wait you already knew that. I should have some interesting posts, right? So let me try. Oh! One thing first! I am so badly wanting a hard cover copy of Gullivers Travels by Johnathan Swift. A nice one. Or really old one. The ones on Amazon don't have pictures :(! So if you know where I can find one, or have one you'd sale me. Let me know! That was the only thing I asked for for Christmas, but my mom couldn't find one. So I had the figure out something different to want!

Okay my mind tonight, is a bit random. But I'll share it anyway. This is what I'm thinking-
Debi, how do you get me to talk? what is it about you that makes me feel okay pouring out my soul? There isn't much about me I haven't told you. While I absolutely love that you have this sense about you that allows me to feel safe talking, it scares me. It's not me? I don't noramlly warm up to people quickly at all. I love that you were a person I did. Whats the point of this? There really isn't one. I just want to give credit where credit is due. Debi, you are an amazing person. Your faith in God is incredible. I'm so blessed to have you in my life. Please never leave. I think that's what I'm most scared of, losing you. The thought of it almost makes me cry. I know that's silly. But it's true. I've grown mighty fond of you! I think your thoughts are rather genius! I love that you are such a positive person. I'm not! But you know that!!


Well thats the end of my Debi rant. :) For tonight. I'm going to go downstairs and get me drink. Then maybe have some icecream and watch some tv. Have a good night! *Gabs

Monday, December 28, 2009

I baked cookies, with an Elf, in wal-mart, because I'm sexy and do what I want.

Uhm sure okay, that was the result of a forward I just got. It's kinda amusing. Though, usually, with any quiz I take it get "rehab is for quitters" nice right?


I'm really tired tonight. Worked almost all of my shift, which made me real mad. They wouldn't let me work last week because of the stupid mouth sore, I have another one, what does he say today? I'll just put you in back drive. AHHHHH!!! Seriously? I missed all that work for no reason? Annoying.


I'm going to bandage my face, and go to bed with Bones. Night*Gabby

Don't break my heart

Me at my sisters wedding, cleaning up after.


I'm feeling... Well confused.... A 5 hour chat last night. But he doesn't want commitment while in Kuwait. He wants it when he get home in April, maybe even to a new level? I really like him, a lot. I wouldn't say I'm in love with him. But maybe starting to love him? This whole business is so sticky. I really don't know how he feels about this all. Other then he will commit when he gets home. But does he want to? Does he what me as badly as I want him? Is he what God has planned for me? Where do I draw the line? Am I just wanting him because deep down I know it probably won't work out? Am I looking to be hurt? If he does hurt me, what then? Will I be able to handle it? How many times do I let him hurt me before I move on?

All those questions are swimming around my head. None are being answered! *Gabby


Sunday, December 27, 2009

Before

Before I write this, I'm gonna take a shower. Eat some pizza. Relax.


Okay, today well it was just another day.

Well this post is just not wanting to leave my head, not just yet. Maybe tomorrow.*Gabby

Saturday, December 26, 2009

I am... Blogging!

So... I need to get my mind straight. It's really messed up today. And every other day. I feel so very confused. I've been trying to figure it all out, but I can't. I feel like everything is being mixed up. I don't care for it! My fingers smell like garlic! That's kind of nice. But other then that, things just don't feel okay.

Okay, I've been writing this post for a few HOURS. How sad is that? I just really don't know what to say. There's so much on my mind, that I don't know how to blog. So this will be jumpy tonight as I will just write whatever I think.

Okay first off, I'm stressed. I spent WAY to much on Christmas. Now I have no money. It's completely MY fault. I will admit that openly. But that doesn't fix it. It doesn't help that I have only work 4 hours this pay period because of the stupid mouth sore. Yeah, I'm serious. They don't want me to spread it to the costumers. So I've been home.

Today I went in and told my boss I still had it. He was rude. Seriously, like it's my fault? I had to get someone to cover my shift, which was stupid, either way I wasn't gonna work. SO I call pretty much everybody that wasn't already working, finally, the last person said yes. Ah more stress.

I was stupid. Looked up causes of all my symptoms. Now I'm silently freaking out. There's a few that are real bad, I'm even more stressed. Anxious for whats to happen. Annoyed that my appointment is not for 2 months! Really I have to live with this for another month and a half? Can I handle that? I'm not sure.

On a plus note. I'm watching hockey and the team I'm going for(Sharks) is winning 5-0! They got 2 goal in 15 seconds. It was marvelous ! They aren't my team. But they're my moms and I don't mind watching them. I love the Red Wings. With a passion that burns deep in my soul. Okay maybe that was just a bit dramatic :)!

I'm gonna stay on this note for a minute. We had a wonderful Birthday dinner for the twins. I ate more cake, then dinner:)! But hey, it works. Think about eat some more dinner. I really should as I'm down 2 more lbs.

Okay moving on. As I just said, I'm DOWN 2 more lbs. I'm still at an okay weight. But won't be for too long. 10 more lbs and they will most likely put a tube of some sort in. Considering I've been losing at least 3 lbs a week, that wont be very long. But that's just my thoughts, it could be different.

Okay I'm now going to be weird but please respond! If you don't know the terms, google them.
Would you rather have a NJ tube, GJ tube, or a PICC line? I have bad memories for all and can't decide!

So Wednesday, I took some treats to a friends mom that was in the hospital. While in her room the Drs name that is too painful to type was mentioned quite a bit. Every time it was, I couldn't breathe for a minute. It was awful. No one is aloud to go to that hospital ever again, I don't think I can do it again.

I'm praying for no nightmares! But have to go to bed as I need to be up early for church! Goodnight! *Gabby

P.S. Yes, this post took over 5 hours. Sad I know. Finally got it to upload pictures though!

Friday, December 25, 2009

GOSH... Christmas?

Okay, this was going to be a wonderful Christmas post. But now I'm stressed. I was very excited. Then I checked my bank account. Now I've very stressed. Spent way too much on Christmas. :(. Now I have no money until the 5th. Sad.

I know I shouldn't stress about it, but I do.

Secondly, I was trying to convert my new bones dvds to files that could be put on my Ipod. But it would only convert 5 minutes of each one... AH ANNOYING.

I'm not trying to say I'm not greatful for today. Boy am I. I'm just a little grumpy, or a lot. I'm so tired. I woke up around 6am. The kids didn't get up until we woke them at 8am. But I couldn't sleep :)! For a person who doesn't get up before 9am like ever, it makes for a rough day. I've been nauseous pretty much the whole day:(. I was last year to. Just skipped the throwing up multiple times like last year. But it makes for a pretty rotten day. I dozed on the couch for a couple hours before everyone got here. It helped my mood. Luckily, I can feel like dirt on the inside without showing it at all on the out. But overall, it was a wonderful day. I enjoyed myself some. I love being with family.


Something that I haven't gotten to talk about yet, the best Christmas present, EVER. Tuesday night after the long hours at the hospital. We drove to layton, I got to see my IRL childhood bestie. Rebekah! Oh my goodness It was absolutely wonderful. Neither on of us talk much, So we go together quite nicely... She gave me a cute little cold stone lip balm, cotton candy flavored, which happens to be my favorite flavor. And said she was gonna sketch me while she is here! Oh goodness! Can't give me anything better then that. A piece of her! Thanks Reb!

I will try to post a picture of it when she does. But my computer hasn't been willing to upload anything to anywhere. Sad day. It fails at life.

So something is "a stir" in my life. That, I think, I'm excited about! I keep going back and forth. I wanted to at least finish my pre-reqs first but, whatever happens happens. It's too early to post about it though.

Wow am I tired. I need to soon, go curl up under my new electric blanket, put in bones and sleep away. With a little help from trazadone of course.

I'm chatting with an old friend. Or ex-boyfriend. Friends first, friends now. We don't talk very often. But for some reason, now, he wants to. So here we are, IMing on facebook. Thats how I keep in contact with a lot of people.

Oh and guys are stupid and have cooties. SO stay away from them! Merry Christmas. *Gabby

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Awfully Busy

Sorry I haven't posted! It's been a long few days. This is the first time I've had the chance to post.

Tuesday was okay. We had lunch with Debi. Who is amazing! I love her so much!
Then we headed to the hospital. Went and saw all the nurses on the 3rd floor. It was good to see them all again! :)
Then we were about a half hour early to the Drs appointment. But they managed to get us in early, about 130. We spent a half hour with the Dr. He said what he thought it was. His first guess was kidney problems. So he ordered a ultrasound and a UA. Both were fine. So the next step, is testing for, inflammatory bowel syndrome, ulcerative colitis, or chrones disease. But GI is the people who would test for all that. I can't get into see them until February 9th. :(

Well I've taken my sleeping pill and still need to wrap. Will try to post tomorrow
*Gabby

Monday, December 21, 2009

Change

Change of plans. I woke up this morning with a huge lip and face, and oh goodness, it hurts. So I'm trying to get into the DR today. I really hope we can kick this without a hospital stay. Or if I have to have one, it not be over Christmas. So I'm grumpy this morning. I didn't sleep well last night. Ended up getting out of bed after 1am. Got on the computer for awhile. Woke up around 4am with the computer still on my lap. The woken up at 7am because I was in the front room, everyone was getting up. So now I'm listening to Lady Gaga and blogging. Texted the Doc, waiting for a reply. I'll keep you updated!*Gabs

Sunday, December 20, 2009

No Pictures!

I tried to post some pictures, but again, it wouldn't work. :( So now I will just write a long boring post!

I'm kinda blah today. I have been for about a week I've had major headaches pretty much everyday. It's not so great. Excedrine doesn't even take care of them. Some time's I'm able to just carry on, others I go to bed with a cold rag on my face. One nice thing is I can sleep when I'm in pain. It's what I do. As long as I'm in pain when I fall asleep. If the pain starts when I'm asleep then I wake and can't sleep.... I have this weird rash on my knee. When I put any kind of lotion on it, it spreads. Great right? I actually have a couple of them. That one is just huge..... I have a big sore on my lip, it looks infected. Years ago, I had one, ended up in the hospital from it. The sweeling was going to the back of my head and they were afraid it would go into my brain. So for close watch and iv antibiotics I stayed overnight in the hospital. I have pictures. But my computer is stupid and won't upload them. So until I figure it out therer will be no pictures. Sorry! I will call the Doctor tomorrow to get an appointment for Tuesday for all these problems! Cool little note, I will call the Doctor on her personal cell phone and she will personally set up the appointment. It's great really... I love that my Doctors love me so much.



The rest of the health news- I see the surgeon Tuesday to try to work out some stomach issues. I've been having a lot of pain lately. In my stomach, its been awful today. Probably 20 times for 5 minutes each. It's enough to drive me up the wall... I've been having horrid amounts of nausea. Awful really... I've lost almost 20lbs :(. I'm hoping that he doesn't decide I need a tube of any kind on Tuesday. That would not be exciting. Though If I had to I would hope for a NJ tube. The others require being poked or cut. I don't really want that just before Christmas. But I guess Whatever happens happens. Though now that I think about it, having something shoved down my nose doesn't sound great. The first time it happened was awful. The opening to my stomach wasn't big enough for the tube to go through. It was awful, they didn't know why it wouldn't go through at first so they sent me to my room with it only halfway in. I started to gag not long after we got up there. The tech was nice and just pulled it out. I do love Jes! Her and Whit(guy) are my 2 favorite Techs. Which is what a CNA is called at Primarys.

Okay now that I've talked about medical stuff I will talk about funner stuff. My friend Rebekah is in Utah. I haven't seen her for years and will hopefully get to see her Tuesday after the Doctor. :) Hi Reb!

The Grandparents stopped by today, yearly visit. It lasted less then 2 hours. But it was still nice to see them. So my whole family was here all day. My niece emily laid on the couch with me and sang. It was adorable. She's 5. She was trying to sing Christmas songs. Hilarious. She sang "silent rice, holy rice" and "on the next day of Christmas my true love gave to me, five missing cows." then I don't know what she was trying to sing but the words were " we're not black and we're not tall, but we're still persons". I was bustin' a gut! She is so funny. A few years ago, her dad was asleep, she went up and opened his eye and said "dad is that you?" Hilarious.

I found a bunch of old pictures. Brought back a lot of memories! Mostly good.

Well I'm done now, have a good night. *Gabs

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Christmas Poem

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
'SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY! COUNTRY, MY CORPS.'

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, 'CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE.'

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
'MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,!
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.'

Friday, December 18, 2009

Listening

Sit quietly and listen. What do you hear? I hear my family eating dinner. Me typing on the keyboard. My mom clicking her mouse. Sounds, are more then just sounds. Every sound you hear is special, it means you're still alive. That's a good thing.

When I was in the hospital, there were a lot of sounds. Beeping, crying, screaming, breathing. All the time there were sounds. These sounds were actually comforting to me. It meant I was still alive, still able to be woken up. There are many nights, well memories of nights in the hospital that touched me. I would love to share some of them. But I just am not sure how. I don't know if it will hurt too much to do so.

I have the same nightmare I talked about here= http://gabbyswords.blogspot.com/2009/12/nights-like-this.html Except I'm alone. I wake up crying instead of screaming. It's pretty horrible. I hate to cry, I hate to cry alone.But in the middle of the night, I don't know what to do. My mom has to be up for work. I would feel bad waking her up. There's not really anyone else to go to. So I just lay there and cry, sometimes for hours. I don't want pity. I want you to know how real all of this still is for me. How much it still effects my everyday life.

It's been awhile since I talked about my PTSD. I guess I was hoping that if I just ignored it. It would go away. It got better for a little while. But now it's much worse again. I don't really understand it. Well I do but not in the sense that I know what's going on with my brain, just why it going on. I can't really explain it.

I'm downloading a bunch of music to my Ipod. But I think I'm gonna stop and go to bed. I have to work tomorrow and am super tired. Didn't get my nap today!*Gabby

Deck the Halls

Or not. I'm still not in the Christmas mood. I'm all for shopping. Giving to others. And Prime rib. But the actual Christmas part. No not really. I'm not looking forward to it, at all really. We are supposed to set the tree up tonight, a little late. I don't want to. I don't want to do baking or tell people Merry Christmas, does that make me Scruge? I sure feel like it.

I usually love Christmas. I love the sights and smells. Usually. This year. I couldn't care less. Why is that? I guess it's part of depression. I don't like it.

I really should get back to cleaning. I was going to tackle my room today. But mom needed other things done. So I've been busy as an elf. I was having bad stomach pain so I sat down. Now I feel better and am getting back to work. *Gabby

Thursday, December 17, 2009

sleepwalking

Yes I've gotten a new hobby, sleepwalking. I went to bed last night in the bed in the middle of the room and a few hours later I woke up by hitting my head on the wall. UHM WALL. I started freaking out, thinking I had been kidnapped. I get up and try to figure out where I am. Not wanting to turn on the light. Finally I realize I'm in the same room I was when I went to bed. Just in the other bed. How did that happen? I don't know. I had to get up and make the bed before I could get in it. I have no memory of this. Great right? Who knows what else I did.

Well I'm headed to bed. I will recap my week tomorrow so come back! *Gabs

100 things bout Me

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 100 Truths about you. At the end, choose 15 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage =Iced Tea-unseetened

2. last phone call = Mom

3. last text message = Debi

4. last song you listened to =How to save a life

5. last time you cried = is not your business

6. date someone twice = nope

7. been cheated on =not to my knowledge

8. kissed someone & regretted it = does it count that he kissed me with out permission?

9. lost someone special = Yes.

10. been depressed = Yes.

11. been drunk and threw up = yes
FIRST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Pink

13. Yellow

14. Purple

THIS YEAR (2009) HAVE YOU:

15. Made a new friend = Yes

16. Fallen out of love =does this happen?

17. Laughed until you cried = Yep

18. Met someone who changed you =i hope so for my own sake

19. Found out who your true friends were = sometimes i still wonder

20. Found out someone was talking about you = I'm an interesting subject

21. Kissed anyone on your FB friends list = nope

GENERAL:
22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life = Uhm good question

24. Do you have any pets = a pet rock?

25. Do you want to change your name = nope

26. What did you do for your last birthday = Went to the DR

27. What time did you wake up today = Which time?

28. What were you doing at midnight last night = Holding my precious nephew

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = Seeing Rebekah!

30. Last time you saw your Mother =Well shes right in front of me.

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = my lips are dry

32. What are you listening to right now = hockey game

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom = all the time!

34. What's getting on your nerves right now = my nerves are relatively calm right now

35. Most visited webpage =Blogger

36. Where do you want to be right now? = In that great big tub at the condo
37. Nicknames = Gabs Gabby Gabby-Ella Ever Slightly Gabster Gabbers Gabby-Mister. The list is long

38. Relationship Status = Complicated

39. Zodiac sign = Cancer

40. Male or female = Uhm female not looking for anyone but interested in male.

41. Elementary school =clark, Uinta Meadows, Homeschool

42. Middle School =Homeschool

43. High school =Homeschool

44. Hair color = brown mostly

45. Long or short = Short

46. Height = SHort'

47. Do you have a crush on someone? = Do I want to crush someone? Yes!

48. What do you like about yourself? = My feet are rather nice

49. Piercings = Ears, forehead, eyeballs.

50. Tattoos =not yet. WHITNEY!!!

51. Righty or lefty = righty

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery = Hmm Nissan. DO you know what that is?

53. First piercing = Ears

54. First best friend =Katherine

55. First thing you do in the morning = Wake up

56. First vacation= Whats that?

58. First crush =hard to say

RIGHT NOW:

59. Right now = that isnt a question

60. Drinking = Nothing

61. I'm about to = blog

62. Listening to = already asked this

63. Waiting for = Rebekah to come to town
YOUR FUTURE:

64. Want kids? =tons

65. Get Married? = hopefully only once

66. Career? =Nurse
WHICH IS BETTER?:

67. Lips or eyes = Ill go with eyes

68. Hugs or kisses = HUGS

69. Shorter or taller = who

70. Older or Younger = older

71. Romantic or spontaneous =yes

72. Nice front or rear = ask me again sometime

73. Sensitive or loud =i cant do loud for a long time

74. Hook-up or relationship = relationship

75. Trouble maker or hesitant = In between

HAVE YOU EVER :

76. Kissed a stranger = no

77. Lost something irreplaceable = Yes.

78. Lost glasses/contacts = Yes!

79. Sex on first date = no way

80. Broken someone's heart = probably

81. Had your own heart broken = definitely
82. Been arrested = no

83. Turned someone down =yeah
84. Cried when someone died = yeah

85. Fallen for a friend =fallen hard

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself =somedays

87. Miracles = yes been one

88. Love at first sight = nope

89. Heaven = For the savedi

90. Santa Claus =

91. Kissing on the first date = depends

92. Angels = yes
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

93. Had more than one bf/gf?= not at the same time

94. Shower daily =mostly
95. Did you sing today? = like no one was listening

96. Pick your nose? = Not today;)

97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? = Good question, let me think

98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? = The day Troy left

99. Are you afraid of falling in love with somebody? = if you know me well enough to be my friend you know the answer to this
100. Have you held hands with someone who means something to you? = have i ever held hands with someone who didn't?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Uhm...

I'm tired. My computer is about dead. Maybe tomorrow. *Gabs

Just a bit

Just a bit,
tired,
happy,
sad,
annoyed,
out of my comfort zone.

But really. That's okay, I'll get through.
It's 1am. I'm awake :(. So now you get a post of my day.

It started with my morning post. Not so great. I went back to bed and slept for maybe an hour. But it was worth it. Got up and messed around on the computer. Fine whatever. Start getting ready for the day. I get a phone call, "gabby" "yes?" "I need you to come get us" "Uhm okay, why? Where are we going?" "Well, Drew fell and cut his eye open, its still bleeding and I need to take him to the ER!" "Goodness! I'll be right there". SO there I went, after taking my medication, which happened to already be 3 hours late. WHOOPS!

We spent 3 long hours in the stupid ER. Got the stupid DR. Once the DR finally came in we were gone in 20 minutes. Seriously, was that so hard. He didn't end up needing stitches. But did cut his eyeball and has a few ointments to put on it. Not the he will put it on! He's only 8 months! He already says Carter(big brother) Thankyou Momma Dada. He eat mainly table food, and nurses.
He crawls and pulls up on stuff and can stand on his own. Seriously he is amazing.

Then I was late to work. I had called and told them I would be. So It's going. We are having a rush for like 4 hours. We have two new managers, Which as one of my fellow employees said "I should get a raise for not having a clue what I'm doing too!" Well all was okay. I got along quite well with one of them. He actually told me something that made me feel really good about my work performance, he said he had heard about me, a lot about me. I panicked. What had he heard. I don't know, but it was apparently very good. The little big boss is very impressed with me and likes me a lot. The other one made me feel good then made me really mad. I was saying how I never work past 9 because I need my beauty sleep, everyone standing there was like, "you've already had more then your fair share"! Made me feel good. Then he knew what time I was supposed to get off and decided to let the person who was supposed to get off an hour after me off first so I was like 15 minuts late leaving. Goodness. I know it's only 15 minutes but it really bothered me because I had to drive to Park City after.

I finally got out of town around 940. Got here around 1045. I made real good time It should have taken closer to an hour and a half. I did NOT go 90mph(all the way). But I was very proud of myself, I did not text. I did however make a few phone calls. I called the Amazing Rebekah. First time we have talked on the phone in at least 7 years. It was good. She had to go finish her English paper so it was short.

I did touch someone today, but it's a personal thing for them so I will not be sharing it.

*Gabs

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Ah Morning

I'm definitely NOT a morning person. Not at all. I do not function before 9am and that is just that!
Not I function real great any other time of day. But before 9am is a bad idea.
So then why am I up? Well because mom had to leave for work early, so I got the privilege of sending the kids off to school. Fun right? No not really. I would rather be sleeping. I was up tell after 2am. Couldn't remember If I took my sleeping pill or not. If I did I didn't want to take the chance of taking 2. I already take enough to knock out a horse. It would not be good to take more.

I have a lot to do today. I have to talk to my sister and see what the plan is. I'm supposed to be going to Park City with her tonight so I can stay with her kids tomorrow. Her hubbys dad is having his foot amputated. Fun stuff right there. Actually, when I was in the hospital he cut it off tilling the garden, they sewed it back on. That was a year and a half ago. Now I guess it needs cut off again.

I need to call my hairdresser. My hair is driving me crazy, I need it gone.

I need to pay a couple bills.

But non-the-less. I'm going back to bed for a bit. I can already feel the headache from lack of sleep. Bless somebody today! *Gabby

Monday, December 14, 2009

This Is, What This Is.

Tonight. I'm not feeling as great emotionally as I was earlier. But still okay. I need to get a few things out in the open. I'm not really sure how, so I'm just jumping in. If this makes absolutely no sense to you, it has nothing to do with you. But for you who this is meant for, please just listen, I don't want a discussion later. I just want this out in the open.

You say "Love like you've never been hurt" well I can't do that. I have been hurt, deeply. It's not something that just goes away. I can't and won't pretend it never happened. It's part of me, I may not like it, but I accept it. I need you to accept it too. So that maybe, one day, if I do fall into love with you, you can accept me as I come. Because it's not going to change. I'm sorry. But I have to be honest, the likelihood of me falling in love seems slim. But I will try non-the-less. Maybe it will be you, maybe it won't. I need you to be ready either way. Because, I don't want to see you get hurt. Honestly I want nothing less in the world then for you to be hurt by me. You don't deserve that. Since I'm being honest, I must say, if you find something better please take it. Don't settle for me. I'm not that great. Trust me. I'm a lot to handle. Emotionally wearing. Don't let me bring you down.


You say you love me, but honey, you don't know me. Really you don't. You may think you have me all figured out, but you don't. Not for lack of trying, for lack of time. SO please stop telling me you do. You're taking all the magic away that should come with those words in the future. You don't love me, you love who you think I am. Please don't think I think you are lying to me, I'm sure you feel something, it's just not love.

You leave soon. I've been there before and it hurts. The chance that you might not come back hurts even now. I know every choice has risks, but this risk feels bigger then others. I don't want to lose you. You can't promise you'll come back, you can't know that. I know you haven't said that. I don't know you well enough to know if you would, but I thought I'd get it out before you had the chance.

Now listen, I don't mean to say it could never happen, because it could. I'm just trying to say, slow down. It makes it more complicated how fast you're moving. I need time. Not time without you. More time with you, getting to know you. Finding our likeness, learning the difference in us. Right now, my thoughts are so confused. Torn really. I don't know what to choose. You can't help me with the choice, please don't try.

Please don't take this the wrong way. It's not meant to hurt you, it's meant to say I need more time, please slow it down.

*Gabby

Touching Others Challenge

Before I get into the story, sorry for the lack of posts, or interesting posts. I'm on my third day of an absolutely awful headache. I've spent most of it in bed, but I have to work soon so I'm up and about. Luckily today its not so bad I can't walk.

Okay so there is this homeless guy in town, I've seen him in the wal-mart parking lot quite a few times with a sign stating that he needs money. I'm always with somebody when I see him and say I want to stop and give him a little bit and they always say "It's his own fault". Okay seriously it might be his fault but really does it matter how he ended up that way? No! The facts are he is homeless, he needs money for food, it's Christmas time. Isn't Christmas about giving? That's not all it's about, but God gave us the greatest gift for Christmas. Shouldn't we be willing to give to anyone in need? So today I stopped and handed him the little bit of cash I had on me. His smile, oh his smile. It was humble and genuinely thankful. I wasn't expecting that. I don't really know what I was expecting, but that sure wasn't it. He said "thankyou ma'am and God bless". I was humbled. (as I drove away I remembered that I had a church track in my purse that I should have given him too. maybe next time). I got to the stop sign and started to cry. He this man who has nothing, has more joy then me? How is that possible? I may be sickly, I may be having a rough spell. But I have a warm house to come home to and food to eat when I'm hungry. I have the privilege of knowing the Lord and Savior. What else can one ask for?
Really, I've never been touched like that. Or had someone provoke so much thought with such few words....

Why am I telling you all of this? Well partly because I tell you everything, but mainly because I want to challenge you... Yes a challenge. Touch someone, not physically. Touch their heart, their soul. And after you do, blog about it and leave a link to this post. Lets see how many people we can get involved in this! Also leave a comment here with the link to your post! If I knew how to set up Mr.Linky, I would just do that. But I don't and don't have the time to figure it out.

What you do doesn't have to involve money. It can be a few encouraging words to someone in need of encouragement.

Hey great idea, lets make it a twelve days of Christmas thing. It can be to the same person every day. Or different people. Tell everyone! Lets try to make this Christmas the best Christmas for everyone in our lives.

We can do it!

*Gabby

Saturday, December 12, 2009

I said I would

Okay as I promised, and because I want to, here is the paragraph and the lovely person who guessed the band.

Ginger Lamar, she is a lovely lady originally for Kentucky but living in Arkansas. She has three beautiful babies, Awstyn, Braylee, and Zoe. She has been a wonderful follower of my blog for about seven months! I can't believe it! Check out her blog http://drewsbbgirl.blogspot.com. SHe doesn't post much but it's sure fun to read!

SO today has been rough. I had another dream that wasn't so great last night, I was in that room again. So again the day was hard. So I decided to go shopping. Went and picked up my sister and we headed to Wal-Mart. Spent way to much money. But got most of my Christmas shopping done.

Well I have an awful headache and need to be getting to bed. Have a good night! *Gabs

Friday, December 11, 2009

LAVENDER LOLLIPOPS!

I care. Really. I care about a lot of things. I care about everyone's feelings. I shouldn't but really I do. I care so deeply that seeing a stranger cry, almost brings me to tears. I care about you and your families. I don't know most of you, but I care.
Because that's who I am.
It's what I do.
It's how I feel.
What do you care about? Or who?
I care about my family, my friends, my enemies, my dear Troy in Kuwait. I care about my health, and the health of those around me. I care.
But love, love is different then care. There is so many different, I guess, levels of love.
There's the love that you feel for your family. That love is deep, it's genuine, really I think it's just natural. Most of the time, you don't have to work for it. You learn it young, it carries with you through out your life.
There's the love you feel for your friends, this love is hard then the love for your family, because you have to work for it. It's a love that changes daily, where with the family love, really no matter what they do, deep inside you will always love them. This love I struggle with. I care, but with caring you don't open yourself up to be hurt as bad as with loving. In my opinion, in order to really love someone, you have to trust them somewhat. No really with the family love because that is just there, it's eternal. I'm not so good with trust. I've had it broken so many times. That everytime I do it again, then get hurt, it's almost like it takes a small piece of me. Of my heart, my soul. Leaving this empty space. It hurts. More on that later. I need to finish my love thought.
There's the love you feel for your partner. I don't really know much about this love, as I have not experienced it. YET!
There's the love of objects. It's ever changing. I'm not sure that it's really a proper way to use the word love.

Well that's pretty much my take on love. Agree? Disagree? Would you change anything? I value every one of your opinions so please let me know what you think!

I'm sitting here babysitting, watching "Wow Wow Wubzy" (that's where the title came from), and eating popcorn for dinner. :)
I will probably have some 27 ingredient chili (it's more like 40, she's changed it a bit) when I get home. But until then, popcorn will do. The kids are way cute and very good. they are just snuggling with me watching tv. It's nice. I'm used to kids being all over the place. So this is one change, I'm okay with. Though they make it rather hard to type.... That's okay

Okay so the younger child keeps taking off his diaper. Goodness, what you do when you're three.
I love that stage, where they're just starting to become a little person. It's great.

So back to the trust and hole issue. I have a hard time trusting people.Not because of the person whom I'm trying to trust. Because of the people I've trusted in the past that have hurt me. I'm not really in the mood to post about this anymore. Maybe later.

Well I'm gonna go play with the kiddos. *Gabs

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Every rose has it's thorns.

Because everyday, good or bad, must come to an end. Because every moment, happy or sad, will pass. Because every person, young or old, will age tonight. Because you can't stop the sun from rising or falling. You can't stop the stars from shinning or water from being wet.

I don't know where all that was going, but it sounded good enough.

I'm emotional tonight.
I can't seem to think straight.
I want to let all these feelings out.
But can't find the words.

I am however, talking about it. Which really is unusual for me. But I'm trying.
I really don't know how to talk about my feelings.
It's not so good at it either.

I'm good at sitting quietly.
I'm good at going with the flow.
I'm good with children.
I am not good at talking about my feelings.

I would blog about my feelings, but I don't think it appropriate.
So instead I'll end.
*Gabby
P.S. How do you like the pink?


NightS like this

Last night, well it was awful. Not the whole night. Just the wake up part of it. The dream. Oh the dream. It's left me in a funk. I've broke down crying a few times today, over this stupid dream. It really freaked me out!

It started just fine, I was in a house with my sister. I've never actually been in this house, except for before in my dreams. So we are exploring or something I'm not really sure. SO we go into this room that was apparently my room when I was alive and I in my dream was my granddaughter. So we are trying to figure out the clues that the old me left for the young me. So I try to turn off the Ipod I'm listening to, except when I take it out of my ear I can still her the music. One of the songs from Ghostbusters. I really did have my headphones in so I think that's where that came from. But then we look up and the DR who did all the mess up surgery on me is standing there smiling with a knife in his hand. I try to runn but I can't. Then I wake up screaming.

I'm still trying to recover.

So today, I'm not doing so great, but really what can you expect after a night like that?

Okay, I'm off to get out of this silly house and try not to think. *Gabby

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Holiday in Spain.

"I may, take a holiday in Spain, leave my wings behind me, drink my worries down the drain, fly away to somewhere new."

I am in love with that song. Really love. DO you know what song it is? I do. It's a great song.

I worked all day. No good. It's freezing outside. No good. No wait, its below freezing outside, still no good.

I'm chatting with someone I haven't talked to in years, or really ever. Just knew him. It's weird.

I want to blog, but I'm cold and tired. So I will end this. Goodnight. *Gabby

Great giveaway!!!

Kelly over at Kellys Korner is having a great give away. GO AND CHECK IT OUT!
http://kellyskornerreviews.blogspot.com/2009/12/hey-who-wants-to-win-free-computer.html

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Slightly

Slightly, just slightly. This small part of me. The part that stuck it out when the rest of me hid from the world in my shell. That part wishes, wishes that I could enjoy the season.... But right now, I'm not enjoying it. I want to go look at lights, but it's stupid cold outside. We don't have our Christmas tree set up. I'm not in the mood for this. For snow, cheer, hot chocolate, none of it.

Okay I'm done, I'll move on.

Watching NCIS, not really doing anything. I'm exhausted. More then usual. I'm just trying to make it to 9. I have to work tomorrow, then I'll be off until at least sunday. Hoping longer, I'm not loving work lately. It really has been stressing me out.

I'm getting an awful headache, so this is where it ends. *Gabby

Missed....

So this morning, it snowed. Actually, it snowed all night. I am not happy about this. I was supposed to go to the DR, but the roads were too bad, so now I'm sitting home alone. I really wanted to go. I know, who WANTS to go to the DR? Well me. I'm looking for answers, I won't get them at home. Now I'm in a bad mood. Wondering if the appointment got rescheduled. I don't know, as when I got the news around 6 this morning, I went back to bed. Hoping it will be soon. Thinking that I'm going to go back to my warm bed. *Gabby

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Finally... Sleep?

Can it be true? Yes I slept for two hours straight, then on and off for about six hours. That was Friday. Last night I slept for six straight hours. It felt lovely. I'm taking Debi's advice and trying the ghost busters sound track tonight, I'll let you know if it works.

I'm trying to make a interesting blog post. But it's very hard tonight. I get tired of talking about how much I eat or what new problems I'm having. I want to talk about something interesting. But I don't really think I have anything.

"A black cat crossing your path signifies the animal is going somewhere." A quote from Debi.

Okay, Ginger! You so got it right! Relient K it is. I'm so happy somebody got it! I don't really know anything about you. :( Leave me a comment or send an email. I'll write you a nice paragraph.


I'm rather tired tonight. No real reason. I guess it was a long day. I've been tired since I got out of bed this morning. Makes the day difficult. Work was long, well not really, only 4 hours. But it felt long. I work again tomorrow. Then tuesday off wednesday on. thursday-saturday off.

Are you excited you know my work schedule? I wish I didn't have it. I'm starting to feel stuck. Like I'm never gonna be anything more. Like I will forever be a McDonalds employee. Which for some people might be okay. But for me, I want to be so much more.

Okay, I'm off to finish my show. Then to bed with my ghostbusters. Have a goodnight. *Gabby

Friday, December 4, 2009

Now I lay me down to stay up all night.

Okay, yes I'm still awake. I'm really REALLY emotional. Seriously anyone have any good sleeping remedies? I could use some! Melatonin(SP?) doesn't work for me. Warm milk... Well besides sounding yucky, I have a milk allergy. I don't really know anything else to do. Well besides sleeping pills! Which I'm perfectly fine with.

I'm not gonna do a long random post tonight. I don't have the energy or thoughts. I will say, I'm lonely. Very lonely. Hardly talked to anyone all day. It's building up inside me. Not so great. But the people I did talk to were wonderful of course. Thankyou all.

Okay well, talk to me. That would be great. If you have my number text me, my email is on the sidebar. Do something. Really I'll probably be up forever and will need to talk about the weather. Hope you are enjoying your sleep. Goodnight again. *Gabby

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Sleep? No!

Who needs sleep? Not me. Well actually I do. I'm really dragging. I can hardly think and feel like I've been run over by a train. But other then that, I'm okay. I'm hoping that I'm tired enough to sleep tonight. Mom is worried that now I'm addicted to sleeping pills and will have to take them my whole life. If that's the case, well I'll be happy as long as I sleep.

So at Church last night after we practiced for the Christmas play, yes I'm in a play, I have like 5 lines!!! Whoa baby! But that's not what we're talking about. We talked about death. How it's so unknown. There is no way to know when you're going to die. I know where I'm going when I die. But the dying part scares me, its so final. The end. It's hard for me to really grasp that. I've been very close to death a few times. When I was at my sickest, I only had a 20% chance of living. That's no good. But I made it, why? Why me? Not only why did I have to go through it, but why did I get to come out of it? There are so many people and kids that are given way better odds then that, and they pass. So why did I get to beat the odds? I don't know just something that's been on my mind.

I'm so confused right now, probably from the lack of sleep. But maybe because I'm finally catching up with life and am not handling it real well. So I'm gonna go before I turn this into a pity party, I hate pity. Goodnight! *Gabby

Its 2am I must be lonely

"update"

I just read through this after getting 4 hours of sleep. One thing that caught my eye, well its actually 2, is my dirrefent number S. Sorry it was suppose to be different letter S. Haha okay it's quite amusing, I say things backwards all the time, but this is the first time I've spelled it that backwards.









"Original"

"She said baby, its 3am i must be lonely, and she says baby, I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes. The rains gonna pass away I believe it." I don't know that name of this song. Help? But it so explains how I'm feeling right now. I'm so lonely, since its 2am I can't talk to anyone, because they're all asleep. Silly. So I decided I might as well blog the thoughts in my head, while they're there.

First off, I talked to a wonderful person tonight. Debi. She convinced me, in her own little way, to let some of all this that I'm holding in out. It took some time, but I think we made progress. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about letting it out, I'll let you know when it's not the middle of the night. I think that's why I'm not sleeping right now. All the thoughts about it are in my head making it difficult to not focus on anything and sleep. Plus I think if I fall asleep I will dream about it, I don't want that.

Also I'm not sleeping, because I'm out of sleeping pills. I didn't think they were helping, but the fact that I'm up at 2am may say otherwise. I should email the Dr and get her to call some in in the morning. Though there is some peace in the dark, silent, night. The a tiny piece of me is enjoying...

I just finished watching Mercy. I still love that show. It was a recording from like 2 weeks ago that I just got around to watching. No real reason. I honestly love the show but I really haven't watched much other then hockey the last week or so. I've been on my computer a lot. Surprised?

I have a new obsession with Lady Gaga. Seriously her music is so weird. I can totally relate to some of the songs. I'll let you use your imaginations on that one!!! My sister let me download her 2 Cd's to my ipod and I love it. I use to hate her. Cole would play it all the time and would drive me crazy, but the last couple weeks I'm just in love, right now I'm listening to "Monster". I do think its weird how her first CD is called "Fame" and second is "Fame Monster". Seriously come up with something new. If the next has the word Fame or Monster in it, well I won't be happy. I like random names,like Anatomy of Tongue in Cheek. Anyone know whose CD that is? I'll give you an nice paragraph on a post devoted to all about you if you get it right.

Second(more like 6Th), I am excited for my appointment with my surgeon! The fact the he is a great man is part of it. I will get to see all the wonderful 3rd floor nurses. AND I MAY get to see Debi. Seriously, it excites me. We need to have sometime to see each other that doesn't involve me and the hospital. But I'll take what I can get.

Third, as you can probably tell, I'm in a better mood. I am weird after 11pm, I'm very sensitive, cry at everything. I'm genuinely happy. Feel like I'm walking on cotton candy.... Thus you get this random blog post of completely different me.

Okay so Bobbi, I blogged about her awhile back. She said the funniest this tonight. "If I was God I'd ask for cookies in my offering plate". Seriously, FUNNY. Me I'd ask for tacos, pizza rolls, and queso. I love sweets. My stomach doesn't. It likes them even less then it does regular food.

On the eating front, I had a good day. Ate most of a side salad from Md's around 4, then a taco(MM) around 6, then ANOTHER taco around 11. Wow that's a lot for me. I know most people eat the at one sitting, but again, I'll take what I can get. I've found I can eat better in the late afternoon evening time. That's why I don't usually eat anything tell 4 or 5.

Okay so there's this guy at work, not that kind of guy so don't think that, this guy is huge. Which really doesn't bother me, what bothers me is he smells like he hasn't bathed in weeks. No one said anything to him though, Being polite, whatever, if I stink PLEASE tell me. Well the other night I was just getting back from my break, standing by the fryer with this guy lets call him R and the manager, I say "what would you like me to do"? Manager T says"give R a bath" (meaning to say break. I lose it laughing. Luckily he thought it was funny too. She was embarrassed. We were all laughing looking like idiots. So now anytime he or I go on break we say "have a nice bath". Which is probably way more funny to me then it is to you. But its now almost 3am and what can you expect from me?

Wow this post is turning out long. I should blog in the middle of the night more often, I find more word to say, and it's easier to write my mind. Mainly because the things on my mind are rather silly. But still. You want to read about me, here is me at my... oddest.

I had the weirdest the happen. I'm asleep last night(weird right?) well I wake up because me feet are burning hot. Seriously felt like I was walking on hot pavement, the were out of the blanket so I was like whats going on? I try everything to make them cold. The I realized my hands were like ice so I thought I'd put them on my feet. I touch my feet and they are freezing, seriously whats wrong with me? I can no longer tell the difference between hot & cold when it comes to my feet? So annoying. Maybe it's something to do with my Reynauds. Not sure. I'll have to ask the Dr. I'm thinking I may have to go on meds for it, my hands have been horrid. Like liast night, just sleeping and my hands get ice cold. That's not right. Then I end up with these painful little bumps. So all in all I'd be willing to try something. The only problem is my blood pressure tends to run low, 90/50 on a good day. These meds can lower your pressures. Which isn't good for someone who already have a tendency to pass out.

Now I'm listening to "Need You Now" By Lady Antebellum. Love them. Yes I have a wide taste in music. I'm all about variety. Most of the time. Well at least with music. Not big into rap, screamo, or techno. Surprise you? It shouldn't. I like songs with a point that you can understand the words. So I in other words, shouldn't like my blogging, because seriously, I never get to the point of my stories.

I'm trying to plan something fun, not going to tell anyone what it is until I know whether or not its going to happen. So you will either see a happy Gabby post or a sad Gabby post, maybe tomorrow. We'll see.

I'm addicted to cafe world on facebook. I just checked my cafe and freaked that I only had 20 servings left, my rating went down like 5 points now 7. Goodness! Games are not supposed to stress you out like this! AH the good dishes take forever to cook!

Every one in my house will be up in 4 hours or less. I may still be up. won't that be great, "hey Gabby why you up so early?" Me: "uhm yeah about that, well you see there was this crisis and world hunger, with the price of eggs in china, I couldn't sleep" (okay so I just reread what I typed and it made no sense so I fixed it. :)) Maybe it is about time I hit the sack. 3:26am, Do you know where your children are? My mom probably figures I'm in bed. Boy is she wrong. Okay I'm misspelling every word. I misspelled A how does one do the well you put a dirrefent number in its place. Like in my case the number S.

Gosh. Silly computer. Oh now I'm listening to "She Wolf" funny song really. Why why would a she-wolf be in disguise?? Seriously I this the wolf part would throw people off enough don't you?
I really don't understand the point so I don't know why I like the song, but tonight anything goes at 336am I guess. Right now its Brad Paisley. I do love him too. Not all of him. Some of his songs drive me crazy. I can't think of their names right now, but there are some. I don't like Rebas voice at all. I like Taylor Swift and most of Carrie Underwood. I enjoy Tim Mcgraw and Faith Hill. Oh I love Josh Turner. Saw him in concert, guess I could put those photos up, opening for him was trailer choir and little big town, who are both enjoyable. This is just the country music I like, as I said before my selection is wide. I won't name all the people I like tonight for sake of- this post is awfully long and probably starting to be non-sense. Thats okay though. You're enjoying it, right?

Now its changed to Green Day. Yeah really it's all over the place. Like my mind.I really focus lots better on things when music is playing, I don't zone out AS often. I still zone out, thats why it''s taken me 2 hours to get this far in the post. But less often. So I spell checked the beginning of this a hour or so ago, but I don't feel like doing it again to try to make out what it says, if you don't understand what something says, ask me. I will try to make up the best explanation I have inside of me. It could be quite fun really.

Okay so my biggest want for Christmas is, a hardback copy of Gullivers Travels!!! I would be in heaven. (now she wolf is on in Spanish). I love the smell of books, and there's just something about hardbacks that make my knees weak and my tummy have butterflies. And a webcam. Because I'm stealing a idea from my bestie Rebekah. I goona do a video blog too. Won't that be cool. It will be on random stuff and I will still write here just as often, I just think it would be fun for you all to see and hear who is writing this. What do you think. I would love so input!

Okay so I just randomly broke out in a weird dance. Too bad there was no camera. You could have seen it!! Well honestly I probably wouldn't have posted it, It was that weird. But it was a good thought. Don't you think.

Now In a few minutes I will watch a movie. Not going to share what movie for sake of my life. But it will be a good movie, I hope. I like movies, I like watching movies on my laptop. Wow it started faster then I thought it would, so I'm gonna go. Don't be sad it 4am and I still have tomorrow to blog or today I guess. okay seriously, I love you all. haha funny story about that, but will have to wait. goodnight! *Gabs

P.S. If you made it to the end give yourself a hand. seriously a big one, then a pat on the back. If you understood it all take a bow. And if your confused, sorry, ask questions and I will explain!!!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

This post

This post, well I don't exactly feel like blogging. I don't want to write, mainly because when I write, I feel. I don't feel like feeling tonight. Nothing really happened today, I'm just extremely emotional. I feel like crying, and screaming. I don't have a reason for these feelings. Just how I feel tonight. So this is going to be short because I want it to be. I'd love to put down my heart and mind in this post, but I can't not tonight anyway. I have tomorrow and Friday off, maybe in that time I will relax and let it out. maybe. Have a good night! *Gabby

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Why am I annoyed?

Annoyed? Yes. Why? Well there's not just one reason. I'm annoyed with ignorant people that come to McDonalds. I'm annoyed with ignorant people everywhere. Luckily none of you are ignorant. So I'm not annoyed with my blog. I'm annoyed with smiling at people and saying "have a good night". Really, if the person at the drive thru window doesn't tell you to have a good night are you going to have a bad one? No, you don't really care or pay attention. I'm annoyed with being cold, yes I do know that I live in Wyoming, and that its winter. But still seriously Annoyed.

MOM talked to Dr.Downy this morning and my appointment is Tuesday. I talked to the other Drs nurse and she said to wait it out a bit and see. SO thats the plan right now. I'm super tired so this is short. Goodnight*Gabby

Monday, November 30, 2009

Plum....

Tonight, I'm exhausted. That seems to be a theme lately. Maybe because they took me off iron, didn't think about that. I will have to get that checked out. I'm in a lot of pain, have been all day. So I'm just chillin' in my chair trying not to move too much because that seems to make it worse. Thinking after I finish this I will curl up with a hot pack. I'll call the Dr in the morning.

I don't really have a lot to post tonight.... Not that I really ever do. Tonight it just seems less. Not that I don't have a lot going on in my mind, just finding a away to let it out and still be okay, well is going to be hard....

I was up half the night last night, for more then one reason. I think I was having this silly pain, and my hands and feet were burning. Only I can take enough sleeping pills to "knock out a horse" and still be awake. They do knock me out for maybe 2 hours, if I'm lucky. But hey, I'll that any good sleep I can get!

So I'm in need of a taco, which lucky for me, we have that stuff. Right now the things I want to eat are, tacos, potato chips and pickles, and queso on pizza rolls. I will only eat a few bites of any of it before getting nauseous, but that's what sounds good. Actually at work today, I managed to get through half a cheese burger before becoming nauseous. Its not the horrible nausea that I used to get that the only way to get rid of it was sleep. Its just uncomfortable. And feels like my stomach is trying to come up my throat, that's part of the rumination syndrome. Oh how its fun to have and have had all these different syndromes, really I could do a post just on the different things I've been diagnosed with.

I really do have a love for tacos. I eat mine with onions, lettuce. and green Tabasco. Yum!! How do you eat yours? Nothing better the tacos in my opinion, well maybe steak, but that's a rare meal in our house. No pun intended!!! Ha ha now that you all are probably laughing at me rather then the joke I'm going to move on!

I'm listening to one of my new found loves, Lady Gaga! Beautiful, dirty, rich, is what happens to be playing right now. My favorite is either Bad Romance or Just Dance. Not sure which. I also love The Strange Familiar. The song on my page is by them, my good friend B actually got me into them. I'm downloading my Cd's to my computer, so I can put them on my Ipod! Because I NEED more music on it:). What are some of your favorite music groups? Really this isn't all of mine, I just don't feel like putting them on here right now.

Okay so I know I've mentioned her before but again I want to mention Debi... Who IS going to do a guest post that I'm so excited about! I never really said how I met her. Well when I was in the hospital, summer 08, my mom spent a lot of time playing online, robo runner. Well when Debi found out that I was in the hospital down there she asked if she could come see us, because she lived relatively close to the hospital. SO she came, honestly I was on so many drugs I don't really remember he visit, well maybe I do, I don't know. Its all blurred together. So after that she came a few more times. I went home. Then anytime we were down there and she was free she would come sit at the hospital with my mom while I was having tests done. They built a relationship. She was there a lot when I was in the hospital Jan-Feb 09. Since I spent a little time in there every month until July, we got to see her a lot. Then when I was in the mental health place in august, she came every day. That meant so much to me. We built, in my opinion, a great relationship during that time. Some days I'm sure I looked like a wreck and felt even worse, but she was there, gave me advice, hugged me. Just made me feel better. While she isn't actually from my home having her there was like having a little piece of home with me, for just a minute. :) Now I love her to death, and don't know what I'd do without her. I'm so thankful God has put her in my life.

SO mom got an email from Dr.Downy today. Had said he is going to help figure out why I'm having all these problems again. He also said he missed us! Seriously, I thought I was crazy for missing my surgeon, but since he misses me too, I feel much better about it. That's another special relationship I've made through this medical crap. And that's just two of many. I am still in contact with quite a few of the nurses and techs that took care of me in the hospital. Weird? Yeah but I love it.

So much for not having much to post eh? Okay its after 11pm and I must be getting to bed. Goodnight.*Gabby

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Dreaming?

I had some of the oddest dreams last night. They went from hiding from the police in a field of sagebrush because I was trying to sneak into the castle, to trying to kill all the bugs on the water slide, Being attacked by a lizard, putting coffee grounds in my managers shoes, and the list goes on. I'm sick, so I know that has something to do with it. But I don't usually remember my dreams, I remember my nightmares just fine though.

After my 13 hours of odd sleep, I awoke needing to take my medicine. Ate half of a turkey cranberry sandwich on a roll. Drank some raspberry iced tea and now I'm in my chair, under many blankets, in need of a nap. Maybe I'll turn NCIS on and sleep the afternoon away. Oh and I had a NCIS dream... It was odd. Very odd. Have a good day! *Gabby

Saturday, November 28, 2009

100

This is post 100. Crazy right? I can't believe its been almost a year since I started, and I can't believe I have such great followers... I wanted to make this post great and happy, but today that's not how I'm feeling. So instead I'm just gonna make it a normal Gabby post.

Today, I laid around all day, not really sleeping, just kinda out of it. I fell asleep around 12 last night. woke up around 1am, and just kinda dozed for the rest of the night. It wasn't great. When I was able to get out of bed, I had an awful headache. No good.

When you need a break, where do you turn? When being at your breaking point? Is it okay to break for a minute? Not breaking point like suicidal. More like falling apart. Just wanting to breakdown and cry. To lose myself for a few days. Not have to worry about responsibility.

Will it really help me? No not really. I doubt I'll feel any better. But it's still what I want to do. But I won't, it's not me.

Well I'm tired. Gonna go to bed I think. If I can sleep. Okay. *Gabby

Friday, November 27, 2009

Okay, here is my vent post of the day. I've been trying to mainly keep this happy stuff. But tonight I'm falling apart. I think partly its because I've been up for almost 36 hours straight. When I'm really tired I get really emotional. So I'm sorry. If you're not in the mood for a down post tonight, don't rread. But really, don't leave a comment that will make things worse for me. If you would like to leave some sweet words, please do. I love to get comments.

Tonight, I'm frustrated. Why? Because my favorite holiday was yesterday, I didn't get to enjoy it. I wanted to. But couldn't. Let me explain. It wasn't because I have nothing to be thankful for. Because I do. Not because my mother didn't make it magical. She did. But because I'm going down hill. I hardly eat any more. SO dinner, well I spent most of it trying not to dry heave. Not enjoyable. I really do know that food is not the point of Thanksgiving. But It's my favorite part. I know it could be worse. I know all of these things. But that doesn't make me feel any better.

Because I never feel like eating, I'm losing weight. I'm no where near as small as I was last winter. But Non-the-less, I'm losing. I'm having horrible cravings. For odd things. yesterday at dinner all I could think about was pickles and potato chips. Really? Why? I just wanted to enjoy a delish meal, thats all. Tonight, there's a fridge full of yummy leftovers(only leftovers I eat are thanksgiving), and all I wanted was pizza rolls with queso sauce on them. I took a picture, but haven't figured out that part of my computer yet. I've eaten 4 of the little rolls, and thats pretty much my food for the day. I'm frustrated, frustrated that this is supposed to be fixed and its not. I'm so tired of being told to deep breathe. Really next person who says that to me might just see me lose it.

I'm having a lot more stomach pain. I don't really have much to say about that, I don't know what it is. It just hurts. ....

Okay, this probably isn't my last vent post of the night. But I need a break. SO this one is ending.*Gabby

post post post.

Okay, here I am. Sadly after 3 hours of horrible sleep, I was woken by the silly dog. Not my dog, I don't really like dogs. One tried to eat my foot when I was little and I've never really liked them since. It was my sisters dog. Stupid dog wouldn't shut up. So after an hours of laying on the couch because I was too tired to move, I got up. Now I'm dragging. I need to do laundry. But that involves getting off the couch. Yeah thats not gonna happen right now.

I'm going to spend the evening playing Regnum Online. It will be good.

Good day! *Gabby

GOODNESS!!!!!

OH MY GOODNESS!!!! Its 2:37am, I've been awake sine 8am yesterday. Why, You ask? Well Because I wanted this laptop that is sitting on my lap. So from 8:30pm-1am I was at wal-mart. I also got a touch Ipod! I'm pretty excited, and broke. But thats okay, I'm almost done with my Christmas shopping! Yes, I'm that amazing. Though my twin nephews birthday is the day after, so I need to buy them a gift for that too. Okay so call me crazy, but I'm headed back to the store at 4am, more good deals. This is the 1st time I've done ANY shopping on black friday. So here I am maybe over doing it a little bit. It'll be good though. So if you don't hear from me again today, its probably because I'm sleeping!! Hope you had a great thanksgiving. *Gabby

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Rehab is for quitters!

Goodness. Work was awful. I was non-stop crazy busy from the time I got there tell I left. Yeah let me tell you, I will next Thanksgiving ask or it off. Well if I still work there. Thinking about a new job, just thinking, I don't know if they're looking. ANd I do love McDonalds! But poking people with needles. Come on that has to be great! Really wonderful!!!...

So this post has taken forever to get up. It's close to midnight now. But I will finish it, non-the-less. Unless I fall alseep on the cuputer and a brick falls on my head. Then I won't.

I've been having these dream, they really freak me out. The kind of dream where you wake up out of breath crying and have to figure out what really happened in your life, then it keep popping up for days. The ones that noone wants to have. But non-the-less (my word of the day) I still have them. I'd go into detail but I'm tired and hoping not thinking about it will help them go away.

So the reason this post is taking sooo long is because I had to make a run to my sisters to get a pan for the strawberry jello(i have pictures). So I put on my big girl... PANTS(theres more to that then you really want to know) and headed out into the cold winter night. GOt to my sisters. as soon as I walk in the door my 7 yr old neice walks up with my nephew. I fell in love all over again, with both of them! So I held him for a few mintues before I left. Came home and helped mom get food ready, Thanksgiving is big at our house. We have enough food to feed an Army. Or live off of leftovers for a few days. And I the picky eater, eat, almost, everything she makes. I will try to take pictures of everything tomorrow. I would like to do a post on Thanksgiving, and one on the family. WHo's who, and whatnot. All but my oldest brother will be here, sadly I'm happy he won't. He called me a few names a few ear back and I haven't talked to him since, well mabe thats a lie. I talked to him the summer I spent in the hospital for a minute. I was on so many drugs, and in need for contct for the outside world, I would have talked to anyone. The conversation lasted all of a minute. So other then that, I haven't talked to him.

About the title, I thought it was funny,I took a quiz on facebook and that was my random saying... Not that I've ever in my life said that, but apparently thats my saying, so I'll take it like a man or-woman, to be exact!!! I'm so tired I'm rambling, I hope you're enjoying this.

So when I said i tripped over a broom and fell out the window, they were two SEPARATE events. I'm not the coordinated to do that, I usually catch my face with a wall of=r table r something. just falling out the window would probably hurt less. Luckily lately I haven't had my normal bruise like a peach skin, don't know if I should be worried about that or not, so right now I choose not...

The sore on the back of my head seem to be heaing, it still hurts just as much. Though it seems smaller. The bump next to it is definately smaller. SO hopefully it won't require medical attention. I still have a tooth ache, but I hate making phone calls, so nothings being done about it. Maybe I can get mom to call!!! Haha you didn't tell her not to call the dentist did you? I sure hope not, because I'm tired of it hurting, BUT not to the point I would call myself... SO we/ I will wait. Okay now I'm really dragging. I probably won't post until friday, Maybe tomorrow, don't count on it. I will be shopping black friday specials in the morning. Coputer, Ipod Touch are a few things on my list, Since no of you who read this are in town, I feel just fine telling you that ;)


Hope you all have great thanksgiving. What are you thankful or? Right now. I'm thankful that I may get to see my bestest friend this Christmas, haven't seen her in years. I'm happy. Now I must clean my computer off the couch. Haha I'll take a picture. *Gabs


P.S. I didn't spell check this. SORRY. But I'm too tired!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

late

I had a lonng day at work. I fell out the window. Tripped over the broom. I'm kinda wacked out right now so if some of this doesn't make sense, sorry. I hope its okay.

Sorry I'm getting this up so late. Busy day. SO Debi is the winner of the comment contest. :). If she will I would love her to do a guest post, about anything she wants. ... If she will. I do love her, I love her input, I love how she always makes me feel better. Love it.


I so wanted to do an interesting post tonight. And I think I've come up with one. There are two people I want to blog about tonight. I think they're both great. First, Kellee Jones, http://loveandcf.blogspot.com/ she's great! I met her through my blog, now we talk everyday. Really I love all the wonderful people I've met through this. Go check out her blog. It's fun and life all mixed together. I love it.


Okay the second person I want to talk about, My all time bestest friend, Rebekah. I love her to death. We had been out of contacted for a few years but recently got back in contact. I love it. It's like we haven't lost a day. She is the sweetest person. http://theaustenite.blogspot.com/ Go check her blog out. If you go back though the posts you will see some artwork shes done. AMAZING. I can't wait to be able to see her. She's gonna draw me!!! I'm excited if you can't tell. Though if I just got to see her and she didn't draw me, I'd be just as excited!!!

Well I'm exhausted. So I'm gonna head to bed. I try to remember to take pictures of Thanksgiving and the prep there of. We'll see. Thank you for reading!!!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Bummer

Okay, today was a interesting day. I got out of bed, unfortunately, at 9. Sat and waited for my mom to finish getting ready for work so I could get in and get ready. Well she didn't get out until 940. I had to be at J's house at 10. So I hurry and get ready. Get there about 1015. We hit the road. We get to Park City about 11. Go to the theater. Its locked. Says the soonest show isn't until 215. WHAT!! The Internet said 1130!! So we drive around to find something to do for 3 hours. Lunch? That sound great. Before we can chose, her phone rings. It's the school. Her daughter had seizer. She couldn't get ahold of her husband to go get her. So we drove home. About ten miles out of town, her husband calls. He goes and picks up the girl. All of the sudden there's a highway patrol with lights flashing on our butt. So she goes to pull of. He passes. We being interested decided to follow. So we're going along, we see a firetruck, so now we're even more interested. We are now headed the other way out of town, we see a car in the ditch. All the police and firetrucks pass by, we stop. We can't tell if there is someone in it from the car so we get out. we see footprints that came from the car. So we felt comfortable leaving. As we're standing there an ambluance passes. We go a couple more miles... we see all of the emergency vehicles coming back. We'll so much for a great adventure. So we get to town. To her house. Go inside. I lose all my color. She notices. I say I'm going home to go to bed. She agrees it would be a good idea. So I come home, sleep for four hours. It was lovely. Now I'm still exhausted. I think I'm getting sick. My chest i all tight and Pleurisy seems to be back. But all in all I'm okay. I'll be getting the post with the winner up soon... Tonight or tomorrow. So if you still want t comment go ahead. *Gabby

Sunday, November 22, 2009

New Moon part II

Okay, I'm going to New Moon again tomorrow. It was a good movie and I enjoy the break I get while in the theater. I have to turn my phone off, so while I love to text, all the time, the break is nice. I have to admitt that half the time, I fall asleep.I know paying $10 for a nap. Thats just silly. But it helps me.

The contest below is open tell I get home tomorrow. Please comment.

*Gabby

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Putting on a face.









So this picture isn't real great. I just took it, from my phone. But I realized that I hadn't posted any recent pictures of me in a long time... So hears the most recent I have... Its "hot off the press". Or phone. Which ever!












I spent the whole day at a craft thing in town. Santa's Workshop as it's called. Its great fun. I was working at my Churches booth... Baked goods, and art things. Very cute! I'm going to do something I don't usually do... Post pictures!!! This UHM I'm not really sure what they're called. Super cute saying I guess Just fit me. So I bought it. Me having money is dangerous. Really I probably spent $60 today.
This purse, well I fell in LOVE with it and HAD to buy it. Isn't it adorable? I think so. I needed a new purse anyways. I have gotten a real one in over 2 years. I got out of the habit of carrying one when I was so sick. I usually had a bag of some kind. Either TPN or stomach tube feedings, sometimes both. So carrying one looked kinda silly. But now that I'm tube free, I'm going to carry one again. This is the winner. I bought this for my new little nephew, Peleg. Well his name is David. But I nick named him Peleg. I've called him that since he was a wee bean in his mothers womb. It's a name from the bible. It's just stuck. I call his older sisters, Sarah 7 and Emily 5, Goose and Precious(or Eminem). So he needed a name too.

This is my nephew Drew7 months, and Peleg 12 days. He was all about giving the baby kisses, it was so cute! But do you think he would even consider giving me a kiss? NO!!! Such a stinker. He is all over the place. He crawls, pulls himself up, has 4-6 teeth, eats mostly table food. He is the chunkiest baby! He is probably 25lbs, he hangs over both ends of his infant carrier. Seriously huge. But I Love him SOOOO much. Sorry this is sideways!!! My computer still isn't working great so I can't access my photo editor and this is how it came out. I was so excited. This was my first time "babywearing"! I LOVED IT. Seriously. He's a big baby and I didn't even feel like I was holding him. It was great!!!

So it's getting close to Thanksgiving. I know I have a lot to be thankful for. But right now, I'm not feeling it. So what are you thankful for, please leave me comment telling me! Help me get in the spirit! I do love Thanksgiving though. I just love to eat! Go on an ice chip diet for a few months, you learn to love ALL food. Don't get me wrong, there's still foods I don't care for, but I'll eat anything. It's truly a miracle that I'm able to eat at all. They(the DRS) didn't expect me to ever be able to eat again. So this soon. Miracle!!! But no matter how much I eat, I'm still losing weight. Might just be my body stabilizing out. As all of what I've gained is TPN forced weight. But My eating goes up and down too. Some days, not that's not right, ALL days, I don't really feel like eating, not feel like as in not hungry, I still want food. Some days I'm able to get a LOT of calories down. Others, I'm doing good if I get a half a cheese burger down. When I say cheese burger I mean the single patty one from McDonald's. The smallest one they have... So in that area I'm struggling right now. Any extra prayers you could send up for me would be appreciated....

Lately, as I think I mentioned to you the other day, my mood has also been struggling. I understand that all days won't be peachy, but having so many "down" days just makes me feel even worse. I've been sleeping even less the the usual 3-5 hours. So I've been taking sleep aids. Which don't really help, they just make me groggy, which is better then laying in bed wide awake. So I will continue to take them, maybe they'll start working, who knows...

So my eating's been crazy. My mood has been low. My weight is dropping. My "boyfriend" is 1,000's of miles away. I have a toothache. Stomach pain. Resentful feelings towards people that were buried during surgery-recovery, are coming out. My work schedule, well its awful. And somehow, I need to find a thankful spirit? Okay, really, HELP ME HERE. I need it.

"The Life Pursuit" What do you do when hope is all but gone? You need a brother to lean on But your brother's gone Your sister's in the wrong part of town I took a walk to remember ecstasy It's not today, not even yesterday Songs of praise all very well Their voices swell They tug at sadness Like love tugging at your sleeve Is it worth the pain To walk into the void again? In your darkest hour he is the tiniest light Light that's found beyond your present situation And it's wide and it's broad, beyond all estimation Is your belly fat, is your man a? Do in-growing hairs provide you with strange fascination? The highlight of your day is plucking all the roots away You took a walk to remember ecstasy It's not today, not even yesterday In your darkest hour he is the tiniest light The smallest of sparks He's a tinderbox, he's a flaming torch Pinch your self quite hard, in a place that hurts If it doesn't work, ask your friend to comply And if they hit the spot You can let yourself cry And when the teardrops stop, I will take you for a drive I'll explain all I know about the spiritual side Life that's found beyond your present situation And it's wide and it's broad, beyond all estimation

That song has so much meaning to me right now. Odd. But that's okay, I'm not known for being "normal" whatever that is.

So other then, well everything that's going on, "I'm fine". I'll "get over it". I'll put on my "grown up pants". I'll "move on". BUT while I do all that. I will blog. Sometimes it won't be "pretty". Sometimes you won't like it. But as it is with sport- "what makes a true fan is following them through their off seasons too". While you may not be "fans" That statement still has so much truth, just because I may have some down times, you may not like my post, don't stop reading. One day, I'll be winning again!

Okay now that this has become my longest post EVER, I'll be done. I feel like I should do something. I don't have anything to give away. So while this isn't a great honor like it might be on other blogs, the person who's comment touches me the most, I'll post on the blog, hey maybe I'll even let you do a guest post! Wouldn't that be exciting, you get to be heard by the whole 11 followers! But then again, they are the most WONDERFUL followers I could ask for! Considering most of you have your own blogs, its not that great. But it's all I can do right now. So leave me a comment, say something touching, leave your email address. I'll figure something out. This will end sometime Monday. So hurry up and comment!!! Okay turning off now! Have a good night! *Gabby

Friday, November 20, 2009

New Moon...

... Anyone else going to New Moon tonight? Or have you already been?
I really did NOT enjoy the book!! But I wanted to see how they did on the movie. So I'm going. We'll see how it turns out. It's going to be crazy, I'm sure. So now I'm off to do my hair and get dressed! Maybe I'll post on the movie after I get home. We'll see. *Gabby

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I love this picture. Its almost 2 years old. But honestly its a great picture. It shows how fun and happy go lucky I used to be. I mean seriously... I'm wearing a Detroit Red Wings hoodie, a McDonalds tie, a Suit jacket and some stellar shades. All while eating at Pizza Hut. Who goes out like that anymore? Well actually I do!! Only now its fake mustaches to the movies. with Courtney. Good times. Good times. I miss those absolutely pointless times where we had the time of our life doing absolutely nothing. Like prank phone calling people. That was great.

Sorry for all the short posts tonight. I'm trying to lift my spirits and there is not much more to do.
I'm watching NCIS. Already saw this one so its rather boring. But mom hasn't... So here we are watching it. ...

I'm about ready for bed. But not quite. I know the earlier I hit the sack, the earlier I wake up. So I will stay up tell 11 and hope to sleep straight until 4 or 5. Then it will be up on and off until 9. But it most likely won't happen like that. I will probably be up tell 1 and then up at 4. It makes a very grumpy Gabby. Really. Can you imagine me grumpy? Its not a pretty picture. That's why I take a nap in the middle of the day. I can't make it the whole day most of the time. Every once in a while I can do it. As long as I keep busy I do okay.

I have an awful toothache. ... Its making me miserable. Really, stomach pain, tooth pain. They don't mix well. Hoping to find a dentist that will take my insurance. Its not a likely situation. SO if it doesn't go away by Monday I will be at the dentist regardless of insurance.

Okay, so there's only a handful of things that make me tick. But one is someone else using my bath towel. And tonight, I get out of the shower, grab my towel, and its wet! EWW!! So Gross. I freaked out. Threw it on the floor. I can't stand that. That's like wearing someone Else's dirty underwear. Seriously GROSS!!! Sorry. Just had to get that out!!!

So now I will head to bed. With some pain meds and a hot pack. Hope to sleep More then three hours. Hmm I just realized I have some sleeping pills in he cupboard. Maybe I'll take one. See how it turns out.

Oh BTW I am sitting on the couch with my computer on my lap. Seriously that's exciting for me. The screen hadn't worked in months and randomly the other day it started working. Still blacks out at times. But comes back if I restart it. I still plan on getting a new one because it only runs in safe mode. Which doesn't allow me to do much. But until I get a new one, I am more then happy to use this one. Have a good night. *Gabs

Wove, true wove,

I love my readers. Really a love. I love that you all listen to me. I love that you're interested in my life. I love that you care. I love it. REally love it. Thankyou all so much!

A quick breath.

Deep breath, in, out. Feel better? I don't. Breathing DOES NOT fix everything. Everyone tells me it will. But it doesn't. I've had a rotten day. Feel just plum sad. I'm rather moody lately. I don't deal with stuff real well. Very snappy. I need a break. A few days to not worry about anything. Some time to think. Some time to rest. To have nice fellowship with someone who cares about me. But thats just a wish. I have no where to go. I'm a homebody. The only place I stay besides home, is the hospital. And to be honest, that would be a break, but I don't feel like being poked all the time so I think I'll stay away from there. I'm feeling down tonight. Not the lowest I've ever been. But lower then I've been in awhile. *Gabby

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Annoyed!

So mom got a new computer! Great! I was going to post some pictures. Not so great. Can't get the silly thing to upload them!. So I guess I won't.

Okay, to be completely honest, I'm a mess right now. I'm in quite a bit of pain. Which I can usually deal with, IF I can sleep. But I just got home a little bit ago so that wasn't an option.
But really that's not whats bothering me. One of my "good" friends mom had brain surgery yesterday, I find out after that fact. Why does it always happen like that? I would much rather be in the loop so I can help during, then find out after its all over with. She was like a second mom to me. But instead I find out after, And feel completely useless. Story of my life.

Should knowing that someone else has it worse then me make me feel better? Because it doesn't. It actually makes me feel worse. Knowing that its not just me suffering, but that someone is actually hurting more then me. It's an awful feeling. I don't like to be in pain so why should I feel better knowing that someone else is in pain? Doesn't make sense to me.

I'm a very sensitive person. I don't show it very often. I put on this front, one that says I don't really care about much, mainly because I know if I let myself show that I care, I won't be able to hold back the tears. When I was in the treatment center back in August, I think I cried for like 6 days straight. I felt awful that whole time. But I couldn't hold it together any longer. I felt like I had failed everyone in my life. Even the blog world. Because I knew that there was people in worse situations that were holding together just fine. But I couldn't. Made me feel worse.

Well you got my heart tonight. Maybe tomorrow I'll give the story of "Tho Girl Who Cared" I don't work. So I should be able to!

Now I'm going to take a long hot bath. It will take away the french fry smell and hopefully help my tummy! Goodnight*Gabby

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Tonight

Tonight, I'm feeling open. So for a few minutes I will write whats on my mind. Well first off, I cut myself again :(. my hands are awfully sore. I'm allergic to bandaids. So putting them on the cuts would just make them worse.



Stupid depression commercial just came on. I'm really not loving how often they come on. So now I'm annoyed.... But I will move on and continue to write.



I've been feeling, well I don't really have an exact word for what I've been feeling. Good for the most part. But I have moments of extreem sadness. Moments where all I want to do is curl up and cry. Moments where I don't feel like I can hold it together any longer. But somehow, I manage to get through those moments. I move on, the world keeps spinning. Or at least it feels like is spinning. I'm standing still and eveyone else is carrying on.



I'm chatting with Troy, its amazing. I miss him so much. I can't wait tell he comes home in April.

I'm tired and don't feel like blogging anymore. Maybe tomorrow! *Gabby