Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Some silly things that have been said/done to me at work recently.
Today, two men pull up to the window. The man in the passengers seat says "how tall are you?" Me " about 54" Man driving "wow you're small." WELL DUH. Did you need to know how tall I was to get that conclusion? Because I'm pretty sure you should have been able to figure it out by looking at me.
I'm stocking front counter, that involves moving boxes back and forth for the back. Well one of the men in the back stops me to say "you have something on your pants" Oh thanks I think, until I realize its on my butt. Gosh!
I was singing :) to this girl I work with, Sarah. I started dancing, and as I backed up got wacked in the head with a bucket of ice OUCH!
Next day, I'm working back drive. I slam my head on the window. Momentarily lose vision. As it returns the lady at my window is giving me the rudest glare. "Yes ma'am, I did that to make you late". Some people are just stupid.
I'm getting the food for drive through, this man pulls up and waves at me. I'm like who the heck are you? He keeps waving. I look to make sure no ones behind me that he could be waving at. Nope. I give him the Gabby glare. He start shaking his finger at me, UHM whose the creeper here?
There is so much more, I'm usually laughing while I'm there. I talk to myself a lot! Not on purpose, people just don't listen to me.
I've been all about listening to music lately. All the time. It helps keep me focused. So that I don't zones as much. I still do a bit, just not as much.
I'm off for at least 3 days. It will be nice. So maybe I'll have some interesting posts up in the next couple of days. :) If we get pictures New Years Eve. I will post them. Yeah, I know I say that ALL the time. One time I really will.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
So since this is my blog. :) Wait you already knew that. I should have some interesting posts, right? So let me try. Oh! One thing first! I am so badly wanting a hard cover copy of Gullivers Travels by Johnathan Swift. A nice one. Or really old one. The ones on Amazon don't have pictures :(! So if you know where I can find one, or have one you'd sale me. Let me know! That was the only thing I asked for for Christmas, but my mom couldn't find one. So I had the figure out something different to want!
Okay my mind tonight, is a bit random. But I'll share it anyway. This is what I'm thinking-
Debi, how do you get me to talk? what is it about you that makes me feel okay pouring out my soul? There isn't much about me I haven't told you. While I absolutely love that you have this sense about you that allows me to feel safe talking, it scares me. It's not me? I don't noramlly warm up to people quickly at all. I love that you were a person I did. Whats the point of this? There really isn't one. I just want to give credit where credit is due. Debi, you are an amazing person. Your faith in God is incredible. I'm so blessed to have you in my life. Please never leave. I think that's what I'm most scared of, losing you. The thought of it almost makes me cry. I know that's silly. But it's true. I've grown mighty fond of you! I think your thoughts are rather genius! I love that you are such a positive person. I'm not! But you know that!!
Well thats the end of my Debi rant. :) For tonight. I'm going to go downstairs and get me drink. Then maybe have some icecream and watch some tv. Have a good night! *Gabs
Monday, December 28, 2009
I'm really tired tonight. Worked almost all of my shift, which made me real mad. They wouldn't let me work last week because of the stupid mouth sore, I have another one, what does he say today? I'll just put you in back drive. AHHHHH!!! Seriously? I missed all that work for no reason? Annoying.
I'm going to bandage my face, and go to bed with Bones. Night*Gabby
I'm feeling... Well confused.... A 5 hour chat last night. But he doesn't want commitment while in Kuwait. He wants it when he get home in April, maybe even to a new level? I really like him, a lot. I wouldn't say I'm in love with him. But maybe starting to love him? This whole business is so sticky. I really don't know how he feels about this all. Other then he will commit when he gets home. But does he want to? Does he what me as badly as I want him? Is he what God has planned for me? Where do I draw the line? Am I just wanting him because deep down I know it probably won't work out? Am I looking to be hurt? If he does hurt me, what then? Will I be able to handle it? How many times do I let him hurt me before I move on?
All those questions are swimming around my head. None are being answered! *Gabby
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Okay, I've been writing this post for a few HOURS. How sad is that? I just really don't know what to say. There's so much on my mind, that I don't know how to blog. So this will be jumpy tonight as I will just write whatever I think.
Okay first off, I'm stressed. I spent WAY to much on Christmas. Now I have no money. It's completely MY fault. I will admit that openly. But that doesn't fix it. It doesn't help that I have only work 4 hours this pay period because of the stupid mouth sore. Yeah, I'm serious. They don't want me to spread it to the costumers. So I've been home.
Today I went in and told my boss I still had it. He was rude. Seriously, like it's my fault? I had to get someone to cover my shift, which was stupid, either way I wasn't gonna work. SO I call pretty much everybody that wasn't already working, finally, the last person said yes. Ah more stress.
I was stupid. Looked up causes of all my symptoms. Now I'm silently freaking out. There's a few that are real bad, I'm even more stressed. Anxious for whats to happen. Annoyed that my appointment is not for 2 months! Really I have to live with this for another month and a half? Can I handle that? I'm not sure.
On a plus note. I'm watching hockey and the team I'm going for(Sharks) is winning 5-0! They got 2 goal in 15 seconds. It was marvelous ! They aren't my team. But they're my moms and I don't mind watching them. I love the Red Wings. With a passion that burns deep in my soul. Okay maybe that was just a bit dramatic :)!
I'm gonna stay on this note for a minute. We had a wonderful Birthday dinner for the twins. I ate more cake, then dinner:)! But hey, it works. Think about eat some more dinner. I really should as I'm down 2 more lbs.
Okay moving on. As I just said, I'm DOWN 2 more lbs. I'm still at an okay weight. But won't be for too long. 10 more lbs and they will most likely put a tube of some sort in. Considering I've been losing at least 3 lbs a week, that wont be very long. But that's just my thoughts, it could be different.
Okay I'm now going to be weird but please respond! If you don't know the terms, google them.
Would you rather have a NJ tube, GJ tube, or a PICC line? I have bad memories for all and can't decide!
So Wednesday, I took some treats to a friends mom that was in the hospital. While in her room the Drs name that is too painful to type was mentioned quite a bit. Every time it was, I couldn't breathe for a minute. It was awful. No one is aloud to go to that hospital ever again, I don't think I can do it again.
I'm praying for no nightmares! But have to go to bed as I need to be up early for church! Goodnight! *Gabby
P.S. Yes, this post took over 5 hours. Sad I know. Finally got it to upload pictures though!
Friday, December 25, 2009
I know I shouldn't stress about it, but I do.
Secondly, I was trying to convert my new bones dvds to files that could be put on my Ipod. But it would only convert 5 minutes of each one... AH ANNOYING.
I'm not trying to say I'm not greatful for today. Boy am I. I'm just a little grumpy, or a lot. I'm so tired. I woke up around 6am. The kids didn't get up until we woke them at 8am. But I couldn't sleep :)! For a person who doesn't get up before 9am like ever, it makes for a rough day. I've been nauseous pretty much the whole day:(. I was last year to. Just skipped the throwing up multiple times like last year. But it makes for a pretty rotten day. I dozed on the couch for a couple hours before everyone got here. It helped my mood. Luckily, I can feel like dirt on the inside without showing it at all on the out. But overall, it was a wonderful day. I enjoyed myself some. I love being with family.
Something that I haven't gotten to talk about yet, the best Christmas present, EVER. Tuesday night after the long hours at the hospital. We drove to layton, I got to see my IRL childhood bestie. Rebekah! Oh my goodness It was absolutely wonderful. Neither on of us talk much, So we go together quite nicely... She gave me a cute little cold stone lip balm, cotton candy flavored, which happens to be my favorite flavor. And said she was gonna sketch me while she is here! Oh goodness! Can't give me anything better then that. A piece of her! Thanks Reb!
I will try to post a picture of it when she does. But my computer hasn't been willing to upload anything to anywhere. Sad day. It fails at life.
So something is "a stir" in my life. That, I think, I'm excited about! I keep going back and forth. I wanted to at least finish my pre-reqs first but, whatever happens happens. It's too early to post about it though.
Wow am I tired. I need to soon, go curl up under my new electric blanket, put in bones and sleep away. With a little help from trazadone of course.
I'm chatting with an old friend. Or ex-boyfriend. Friends first, friends now. We don't talk very often. But for some reason, now, he wants to. So here we are, IMing on facebook. Thats how I keep in contact with a lot of people.
Oh and guys are stupid and have cooties. SO stay away from them! Merry Christmas. *Gabby
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday was okay. We had lunch with Debi. Who is amazing! I love her so much!
Then we headed to the hospital. Went and saw all the nurses on the 3rd floor. It was good to see them all again! :)
Then we were about a half hour early to the Drs appointment. But they managed to get us in early, about 130. We spent a half hour with the Dr. He said what he thought it was. His first guess was kidney problems. So he ordered a ultrasound and a UA. Both were fine. So the next step, is testing for, inflammatory bowel syndrome, ulcerative colitis, or chrones disease. But GI is the people who would test for all that. I can't get into see them until February 9th. :(
Well I've taken my sleeping pill and still need to wrap. Will try to post tomorrow
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
I'm kinda blah today. I have been for about a week I've had major headaches pretty much everyday. It's not so great. Excedrine doesn't even take care of them. Some time's I'm able to just carry on, others I go to bed with a cold rag on my face. One nice thing is I can sleep when I'm in pain. It's what I do. As long as I'm in pain when I fall asleep. If the pain starts when I'm asleep then I wake and can't sleep.... I have this weird rash on my knee. When I put any kind of lotion on it, it spreads. Great right? I actually have a couple of them. That one is just huge..... I have a big sore on my lip, it looks infected. Years ago, I had one, ended up in the hospital from it. The sweeling was going to the back of my head and they were afraid it would go into my brain. So for close watch and iv antibiotics I stayed overnight in the hospital. I have pictures. But my computer is stupid and won't upload them. So until I figure it out therer will be no pictures. Sorry! I will call the Doctor tomorrow to get an appointment for Tuesday for all these problems! Cool little note, I will call the Doctor on her personal cell phone and she will personally set up the appointment. It's great really... I love that my Doctors love me so much.
The rest of the health news- I see the surgeon Tuesday to try to work out some stomach issues. I've been having a lot of pain lately. In my stomach, its been awful today. Probably 20 times for 5 minutes each. It's enough to drive me up the wall... I've been having horrid amounts of nausea. Awful really... I've lost almost 20lbs :(. I'm hoping that he doesn't decide I need a tube of any kind on Tuesday. That would not be exciting. Though If I had to I would hope for a NJ tube. The others require being poked or cut. I don't really want that just before Christmas. But I guess Whatever happens happens. Though now that I think about it, having something shoved down my nose doesn't sound great. The first time it happened was awful. The opening to my stomach wasn't big enough for the tube to go through. It was awful, they didn't know why it wouldn't go through at first so they sent me to my room with it only halfway in. I started to gag not long after we got up there. The tech was nice and just pulled it out. I do love Jes! Her and Whit(guy) are my 2 favorite Techs. Which is what a CNA is called at Primarys.
Okay now that I've talked about medical stuff I will talk about funner stuff. My friend Rebekah is in Utah. I haven't seen her for years and will hopefully get to see her Tuesday after the Doctor. :) Hi Reb!
The Grandparents stopped by today, yearly visit. It lasted less then 2 hours. But it was still nice to see them. So my whole family was here all day. My niece emily laid on the couch with me and sang. It was adorable. She's 5. She was trying to sing Christmas songs. Hilarious. She sang "silent rice, holy rice" and "on the next day of Christmas my true love gave to me, five missing cows." then I don't know what she was trying to sing but the words were " we're not black and we're not tall, but we're still persons". I was bustin' a gut! She is so funny. A few years ago, her dad was asleep, she went up and opened his eye and said "dad is that you?" Hilarious.
I found a bunch of old pictures. Brought back a lot of memories! Mostly good.
Well I'm done now, have a good night. *Gabs
Saturday, December 19, 2009
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
'SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY! COUNTRY, MY CORPS.'
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, 'CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE.'
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
'MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,!
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.'
Friday, December 18, 2009
When I was in the hospital, there were a lot of sounds. Beeping, crying, screaming, breathing. All the time there were sounds. These sounds were actually comforting to me. It meant I was still alive, still able to be woken up. There are many nights, well memories of nights in the hospital that touched me. I would love to share some of them. But I just am not sure how. I don't know if it will hurt too much to do so.
I have the same nightmare I talked about here= http://gabbyswords.blogspot.com/2009/12/nights-like-this.html Except I'm alone. I wake up crying instead of screaming. It's pretty horrible. I hate to cry, I hate to cry alone.But in the middle of the night, I don't know what to do. My mom has to be up for work. I would feel bad waking her up. There's not really anyone else to go to. So I just lay there and cry, sometimes for hours. I don't want pity. I want you to know how real all of this still is for me. How much it still effects my everyday life.
It's been awhile since I talked about my PTSD. I guess I was hoping that if I just ignored it. It would go away. It got better for a little while. But now it's much worse again. I don't really understand it. Well I do but not in the sense that I know what's going on with my brain, just why it going on. I can't really explain it.
I'm downloading a bunch of music to my Ipod. But I think I'm gonna stop and go to bed. I have to work tomorrow and am super tired. Didn't get my nap today!*Gabby
I usually love Christmas. I love the sights and smells. Usually. This year. I couldn't care less. Why is that? I guess it's part of depression. I don't like it.
I really should get back to cleaning. I was going to tackle my room today. But mom needed other things done. So I've been busy as an elf. I was having bad stomach pain so I sat down. Now I feel better and am getting back to work. *Gabby
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Well I'm headed to bed. I will recap my week tomorrow so come back! *Gabs
WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage =Iced Tea-unseetened
2. last phone call = Mom
3. last text message = Debi
4. last song you listened to =How to save a life
5. last time you cried = is not your business
6. date someone twice = nope
7. been cheated on =not to my knowledge
8. kissed someone & regretted it = does it count that he kissed me with out permission?
9. lost someone special = Yes.
10. been depressed = Yes.
11. been drunk and threw up = yes
FIRST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
THIS YEAR (2009) HAVE YOU:
15. Made a new friend = Yes
16. Fallen out of love =does this happen?
17. Laughed until you cried = Yep
18. Met someone who changed you =i hope so for my own sake
19. Found out who your true friends were = sometimes i still wonder
20. Found out someone was talking about you = I'm an interesting subject
21. Kissed anyone on your FB friends list = nope
22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life = Uhm good question
24. Do you have any pets = a pet rock?
25. Do you want to change your name = nope
26. What did you do for your last birthday = Went to the DR
27. What time did you wake up today = Which time?
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = Holding my precious nephew
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = Seeing Rebekah!
30. Last time you saw your Mother =Well shes right in front of me.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = my lips are dry
32. What are you listening to right now = hockey game
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom = all the time!
34. What's getting on your nerves right now = my nerves are relatively calm right now
35. Most visited webpage =Blogger
36. Where do you want to be right now? = In that great big tub at the condo
37. Nicknames = Gabs Gabby Gabby-Ella Ever Slightly Gabster Gabbers Gabby-Mister. The list is long
38. Relationship Status = Complicated
39. Zodiac sign = Cancer
40. Male or female = Uhm female not looking for anyone but interested in male.
41. Elementary school =clark, Uinta Meadows, Homeschool
42. Middle School =Homeschool
43. High school =Homeschool
44. Hair color = brown mostly
45. Long or short = Short
46. Height = SHort'
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = Do I want to crush someone? Yes!
48. What do you like about yourself? = My feet are rather nice
49. Piercings = Ears, forehead, eyeballs.
50. Tattoos =not yet. WHITNEY!!!
51. Righty or lefty = righty
52. First surgery = Hmm Nissan. DO you know what that is?
53. First piercing = Ears
54. First best friend =Katherine
55. First thing you do in the morning = Wake up
56. First vacation= Whats that?
58. First crush =hard to say
59. Right now = that isnt a question
60. Drinking = Nothing
61. I'm about to = blog
62. Listening to = already asked this
63. Waiting for = Rebekah to come to town
64. Want kids? =tons
65. Get Married? = hopefully only once
66. Career? =Nurse
WHICH IS BETTER?:
67. Lips or eyes = Ill go with eyes
68. Hugs or kisses = HUGS
69. Shorter or taller = who
70. Older or Younger = older
71. Romantic or spontaneous =yes
72. Nice front or rear = ask me again sometime
73. Sensitive or loud =i cant do loud for a long time
74. Hook-up or relationship = relationship
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = In between
HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger = no
77. Lost something irreplaceable = Yes.
78. Lost glasses/contacts = Yes!
79. Sex on first date = no way
80. Broken someone's heart = probably
81. Had your own heart broken = definitely
82. Been arrested = no
83. Turned someone down =yeah
84. Cried when someone died = yeah
85. Fallen for a friend =fallen hard
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself =somedays
87. Miracles = yes been one
88. Love at first sight = nope
89. Heaven = For the savedi
90. Santa Claus =
91. Kissing on the first date = depends
92. Angels = yes
93. Had more than one bf/gf?= not at the same time
94. Shower daily =mostly
95. Did you sing today? = like no one was listening
96. Pick your nose? = Not today;)
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? = Good question, let me think
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? = The day Troy left
99. Are you afraid of falling in love with somebody? = if you know me well enough to be my friend you know the answer to this
100. Have you held hands with someone who means something to you? = have i ever held hands with someone who didn't?
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
out of my comfort zone.
But really. That's okay, I'll get through.
It's 1am. I'm awake :(. So now you get a post of my day.
It started with my morning post. Not so great. I went back to bed and slept for maybe an hour. But it was worth it. Got up and messed around on the computer. Fine whatever. Start getting ready for the day. I get a phone call, "gabby" "yes?" "I need you to come get us" "Uhm okay, why? Where are we going?" "Well, Drew fell and cut his eye open, its still bleeding and I need to take him to the ER!" "Goodness! I'll be right there". SO there I went, after taking my medication, which happened to already be 3 hours late. WHOOPS!
We spent 3 long hours in the stupid ER. Got the stupid DR. Once the DR finally came in we were gone in 20 minutes. Seriously, was that so hard. He didn't end up needing stitches. But did cut his eyeball and has a few ointments to put on it. Not the he will put it on! He's only 8 months! He already says Carter(big brother) Thankyou Momma Dada. He eat mainly table food, and nurses.
He crawls and pulls up on stuff and can stand on his own. Seriously he is amazing.
Then I was late to work. I had called and told them I would be. So It's going. We are having a rush for like 4 hours. We have two new managers, Which as one of my fellow employees said "I should get a raise for not having a clue what I'm doing too!" Well all was okay. I got along quite well with one of them. He actually told me something that made me feel really good about my work performance, he said he had heard about me, a lot about me. I panicked. What had he heard. I don't know, but it was apparently very good. The little big boss is very impressed with me and likes me a lot. The other one made me feel good then made me really mad. I was saying how I never work past 9 because I need my beauty sleep, everyone standing there was like, "you've already had more then your fair share"! Made me feel good. Then he knew what time I was supposed to get off and decided to let the person who was supposed to get off an hour after me off first so I was like 15 minuts late leaving. Goodness. I know it's only 15 minutes but it really bothered me because I had to drive to Park City after.
I finally got out of town around 940. Got here around 1045. I made real good time It should have taken closer to an hour and a half. I did NOT go 90mph(all the way). But I was very proud of myself, I did not text. I did however make a few phone calls. I called the Amazing Rebekah. First time we have talked on the phone in at least 7 years. It was good. She had to go finish her English paper so it was short.
I did touch someone today, but it's a personal thing for them so I will not be sharing it.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Not I function real great any other time of day. But before 9am is a bad idea.
So then why am I up? Well because mom had to leave for work early, so I got the privilege of sending the kids off to school. Fun right? No not really. I would rather be sleeping. I was up tell after 2am. Couldn't remember If I took my sleeping pill or not. If I did I didn't want to take the chance of taking 2. I already take enough to knock out a horse. It would not be good to take more.
I have a lot to do today. I have to talk to my sister and see what the plan is. I'm supposed to be going to Park City with her tonight so I can stay with her kids tomorrow. Her hubbys dad is having his foot amputated. Fun stuff right there. Actually, when I was in the hospital he cut it off tilling the garden, they sewed it back on. That was a year and a half ago. Now I guess it needs cut off again.
I need to call my hairdresser. My hair is driving me crazy, I need it gone.
I need to pay a couple bills.
But non-the-less. I'm going back to bed for a bit. I can already feel the headache from lack of sleep. Bless somebody today! *Gabby
Monday, December 14, 2009
You say "Love like you've never been hurt" well I can't do that. I have been hurt, deeply. It's not something that just goes away. I can't and won't pretend it never happened. It's part of me, I may not like it, but I accept it. I need you to accept it too. So that maybe, one day, if I do fall into love with you, you can accept me as I come. Because it's not going to change. I'm sorry. But I have to be honest, the likelihood of me falling in love seems slim. But I will try non-the-less. Maybe it will be you, maybe it won't. I need you to be ready either way. Because, I don't want to see you get hurt. Honestly I want nothing less in the world then for you to be hurt by me. You don't deserve that. Since I'm being honest, I must say, if you find something better please take it. Don't settle for me. I'm not that great. Trust me. I'm a lot to handle. Emotionally wearing. Don't let me bring you down.
You say you love me, but honey, you don't know me. Really you don't. You may think you have me all figured out, but you don't. Not for lack of trying, for lack of time. SO please stop telling me you do. You're taking all the magic away that should come with those words in the future. You don't love me, you love who you think I am. Please don't think I think you are lying to me, I'm sure you feel something, it's just not love.
You leave soon. I've been there before and it hurts. The chance that you might not come back hurts even now. I know every choice has risks, but this risk feels bigger then others. I don't want to lose you. You can't promise you'll come back, you can't know that. I know you haven't said that. I don't know you well enough to know if you would, but I thought I'd get it out before you had the chance.
Now listen, I don't mean to say it could never happen, because it could. I'm just trying to say, slow down. It makes it more complicated how fast you're moving. I need time. Not time without you. More time with you, getting to know you. Finding our likeness, learning the difference in us. Right now, my thoughts are so confused. Torn really. I don't know what to choose. You can't help me with the choice, please don't try.
Please don't take this the wrong way. It's not meant to hurt you, it's meant to say I need more time, please slow it down.
Okay so there is this homeless guy in town, I've seen him in the wal-mart parking lot quite a few times with a sign stating that he needs money. I'm always with somebody when I see him and say I want to stop and give him a little bit and they always say "It's his own fault". Okay seriously it might be his fault but really does it matter how he ended up that way? No! The facts are he is homeless, he needs money for food, it's Christmas time. Isn't Christmas about giving? That's not all it's about, but God gave us the greatest gift for Christmas. Shouldn't we be willing to give to anyone in need? So today I stopped and handed him the little bit of cash I had on me. His smile, oh his smile. It was humble and genuinely thankful. I wasn't expecting that. I don't really know what I was expecting, but that sure wasn't it. He said "thankyou ma'am and God bless". I was humbled. (as I drove away I remembered that I had a church track in my purse that I should have given him too. maybe next time). I got to the stop sign and started to cry. He this man who has nothing, has more joy then me? How is that possible? I may be sickly, I may be having a rough spell. But I have a warm house to come home to and food to eat when I'm hungry. I have the privilege of knowing the Lord and Savior. What else can one ask for?
Really, I've never been touched like that. Or had someone provoke so much thought with such few words....
Why am I telling you all of this? Well partly because I tell you everything, but mainly because I want to challenge you... Yes a challenge. Touch someone, not physically. Touch their heart, their soul. And after you do, blog about it and leave a link to this post. Lets see how many people we can get involved in this! Also leave a comment here with the link to your post! If I knew how to set up Mr.Linky, I would just do that. But I don't and don't have the time to figure it out.
What you do doesn't have to involve money. It can be a few encouraging words to someone in need of encouragement.
Hey great idea, lets make it a twelve days of Christmas thing. It can be to the same person every day. Or different people. Tell everyone! Lets try to make this Christmas the best Christmas for everyone in our lives.
We can do it!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Ginger Lamar, she is a lovely lady originally for Kentucky but living in Arkansas. She has three beautiful babies, Awstyn, Braylee, and Zoe. She has been a wonderful follower of my blog for about seven months! I can't believe it! Check out her blog http://drewsbbgirl.blogspot.
SO today has been rough. I had another dream that wasn't so great last night, I was in that room again. So again the day was hard. So I decided to go shopping. Went and picked up my sister and we headed to Wal-Mart. Spent way to much money. But got most of my Christmas shopping done.
Well I have an awful headache and need to be getting to bed. Have a good night! *Gabs
Friday, December 11, 2009
Because that's who I am.
It's what I do.
It's how I feel.
What do you care about? Or who?
I care about my family, my friends, my enemies, my dear Troy in Kuwait. I care about my health, and the health of those around me. I care.
But love, love is different then care. There is so many different, I guess, levels of love.
There's the love that you feel for your family. That love is deep, it's genuine, really I think it's just natural. Most of the time, you don't have to work for it. You learn it young, it carries with you through out your life.
There's the love you feel for your friends, this love is hard then the love for your family, because you have to work for it. It's a love that changes daily, where with the family love, really no matter what they do, deep inside you will always love them. This love I struggle with. I care, but with caring you don't open yourself up to be hurt as bad as with loving. In my opinion, in order to really love someone, you have to trust them somewhat. No really with the family love because that is just there, it's eternal. I'm not so good with trust. I've had it broken so many times. That everytime I do it again, then get hurt, it's almost like it takes a small piece of me. Of my heart, my soul. Leaving this empty space. It hurts. More on that later. I need to finish my love thought.
There's the love you feel for your partner. I don't really know much about this love, as I have not experienced it. YET!
There's the love of objects. It's ever changing. I'm not sure that it's really a proper way to use the word love.
Well that's pretty much my take on love. Agree? Disagree? Would you change anything? I value every one of your opinions so please let me know what you think!
I'm sitting here babysitting, watching "Wow Wow Wubzy" (that's where the title came from), and eating popcorn for dinner. :)
I will probably have some 27 ingredient chili (it's more like 40, she's changed it a bit) when I get home. But until then, popcorn will do. The kids are way cute and very good. they are just snuggling with me watching tv. It's nice. I'm used to kids being all over the place. So this is one change, I'm okay with. Though they make it rather hard to type.... That's okay
Okay so the younger child keeps taking off his diaper. Goodness, what you do when you're three.
I love that stage, where they're just starting to become a little person. It's great.
So back to the trust and hole issue. I have a hard time trusting people.Not because of the person whom I'm trying to trust. Because of the people I've trusted in the past that have hurt me. I'm not really in the mood to post about this anymore. Maybe later.
Well I'm gonna go play with the kiddos. *Gabs
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I don't know where all that was going, but it sounded good enough.
I'm emotional tonight.
I can't seem to think straight.
I want to let all these feelings out.
But can't find the words.
I am however, talking about it. Which really is unusual for me. But I'm trying.
I really don't know how to talk about my feelings.
It's not so good at it either.
I'm good at sitting quietly.
I'm good at going with the flow.
I'm good with children.
I am not good at talking about my feelings.
I would blog about my feelings, but I don't think it appropriate.
So instead I'll end.
P.S. How do you like the pink?
It started just fine, I was in a house with my sister. I've never actually been in this house, except for before in my dreams. So we are exploring or something I'm not really sure. SO we go into this room that was apparently my room when I was alive and I in my dream was my granddaughter. So we are trying to figure out the clues that the old me left for the young me. So I try to turn off the Ipod I'm listening to, except when I take it out of my ear I can still her the music. One of the songs from Ghostbusters. I really did have my headphones in so I think that's where that came from. But then we look up and the DR who did all the mess up surgery on me is standing there smiling with a knife in his hand. I try to runn but I can't. Then I wake up screaming.
I'm still trying to recover.
So today, I'm not doing so great, but really what can you expect after a night like that?
Okay, I'm off to get out of this silly house and try not to think. *Gabby
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
I am in love with that song. Really love. DO you know what song it is? I do. It's a great song.
I worked all day. No good. It's freezing outside. No good. No wait, its below freezing outside, still no good.
I'm chatting with someone I haven't talked to in years, or really ever. Just knew him. It's weird.
I want to blog, but I'm cold and tired. So I will end this. Goodnight. *Gabby
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Okay I'm done, I'll move on.
Watching NCIS, not really doing anything. I'm exhausted. More then usual. I'm just trying to make it to 9. I have to work tomorrow, then I'll be off until at least sunday. Hoping longer, I'm not loving work lately. It really has been stressing me out.
I'm getting an awful headache, so this is where it ends. *Gabby
Saturday, December 5, 2009
I'm trying to make a interesting blog post. But it's very hard tonight. I get tired of talking about how much I eat or what new problems I'm having. I want to talk about something interesting. But I don't really think I have anything.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies the animal is going somewhere." A quote from Debi.
Okay, Ginger! You so got it right! Relient K it is. I'm so happy somebody got it! I don't really know anything about you. :( Leave me a comment or send an email. I'll write you a nice paragraph.
I'm rather tired tonight. No real reason. I guess it was a long day. I've been tired since I got out of bed this morning. Makes the day difficult. Work was long, well not really, only 4 hours. But it felt long. I work again tomorrow. Then tuesday off wednesday on. thursday-saturday off.
Are you excited you know my work schedule? I wish I didn't have it. I'm starting to feel stuck. Like I'm never gonna be anything more. Like I will forever be a McDonalds employee. Which for some people might be okay. But for me, I want to be so much more.
Okay, I'm off to finish my show. Then to bed with my ghostbusters. Have a goodnight. *Gabby
Friday, December 4, 2009
I'm not gonna do a long random post tonight. I don't have the energy or thoughts. I will say, I'm lonely. Very lonely. Hardly talked to anyone all day. It's building up inside me. Not so great. But the people I did talk to were wonderful of course. Thankyou all.
Okay well, talk to me. That would be great. If you have my number text me, my email is on the sidebar. Do something. Really I'll probably be up forever and will need to talk about the weather. Hope you are enjoying your sleep. Goodnight again. *Gabby
Thursday, December 3, 2009
So at Church last night after we practiced for the Christmas play, yes I'm in a play, I have like 5 lines!!! Whoa baby! But that's not what we're talking about. We talked about death. How it's so unknown. There is no way to know when you're going to die. I know where I'm going when I die. But the dying part scares me, its so final. The end. It's hard for me to really grasp that. I've been very close to death a few times. When I was at my sickest, I only had a 20% chance of living. That's no good. But I made it, why? Why me? Not only why did I have to go through it, but why did I get to come out of it? There are so many people and kids that are given way better odds then that, and they pass. So why did I get to beat the odds? I don't know just something that's been on my mind.
I'm so confused right now, probably from the lack of sleep. But maybe because I'm finally catching up with life and am not handling it real well. So I'm gonna go before I turn this into a pity party, I hate pity. Goodnight! *Gabby
I just read through this after getting 4 hours of sleep. One thing that caught my eye, well its actually 2, is my dirrefent number S. Sorry it was suppose to be different letter S. Haha okay it's quite amusing, I say things backwards all the time, but this is the first time I've spelled it that backwards.
"She said baby, its 3am i must be lonely, and she says baby, I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes. The rains gonna pass away I believe it." I don't know that name of this song. Help? But it so explains how I'm feeling right now. I'm so lonely, since its 2am I can't talk to anyone, because they're all asleep. Silly. So I decided I might as well blog the thoughts in my head, while they're there.
First off, I talked to a wonderful person tonight. Debi. She convinced me, in her own little way, to let some of all this that I'm holding in out. It took some time, but I think we made progress. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about letting it out, I'll let you know when it's not the middle of the night. I think that's why I'm not sleeping right now. All the thoughts about it are in my head making it difficult to not focus on anything and sleep. Plus I think if I fall asleep I will dream about it, I don't want that.
Also I'm not sleeping, because I'm out of sleeping pills. I didn't think they were helping, but the fact that I'm up at 2am may say otherwise. I should email the Dr and get her to call some in in the morning. Though there is some peace in the dark, silent, night. The a tiny piece of me is enjoying...
I just finished watching Mercy. I still love that show. It was a recording from like 2 weeks ago that I just got around to watching. No real reason. I honestly love the show but I really haven't watched much other then hockey the last week or so. I've been on my computer a lot. Surprised?
I have a new obsession with Lady Gaga. Seriously her music is so weird. I can totally relate to some of the songs. I'll let you use your imaginations on that one!!! My sister let me download her 2 Cd's to my ipod and I love it. I use to hate her. Cole would play it all the time and would drive me crazy, but the last couple weeks I'm just in love, right now I'm listening to "Monster". I do think its weird how her first CD is called "Fame" and second is "Fame Monster". Seriously come up with something new. If the next has the word Fame or Monster in it, well I won't be happy. I like random names,like Anatomy of Tongue in Cheek. Anyone know whose CD that is? I'll give you an nice paragraph on a post devoted to all about you if you get it right.
Second(more like 6Th), I am excited for my appointment with my surgeon! The fact the he is a great man is part of it. I will get to see all the wonderful 3rd floor nurses. AND I MAY get to see Debi. Seriously, it excites me. We need to have sometime to see each other that doesn't involve me and the hospital. But I'll take what I can get.
Third, as you can probably tell, I'm in a better mood. I am weird after 11pm, I'm very sensitive, cry at everything. I'm genuinely happy. Feel like I'm walking on cotton candy.... Thus you get this random blog post of completely different me.
Okay so Bobbi, I blogged about her awhile back. She said the funniest this tonight. "If I was God I'd ask for cookies in my offering plate". Seriously, FUNNY. Me I'd ask for tacos, pizza rolls, and queso. I love sweets. My stomach doesn't. It likes them even less then it does regular food.
On the eating front, I had a good day. Ate most of a side salad from Md's around 4, then a taco(MM) around 6, then ANOTHER taco around 11. Wow that's a lot for me. I know most people eat the at one sitting, but again, I'll take what I can get. I've found I can eat better in the late afternoon evening time. That's why I don't usually eat anything tell 4 or 5.
Okay so there's this guy at work, not that kind of guy so don't think that, this guy is huge. Which really doesn't bother me, what bothers me is he smells like he hasn't bathed in weeks. No one said anything to him though, Being polite, whatever, if I stink PLEASE tell me. Well the other night I was just getting back from my break, standing by the fryer with this guy lets call him R and the manager, I say "what would you like me to do"? Manager T says"give R a bath" (meaning to say break. I lose it laughing. Luckily he thought it was funny too. She was embarrassed. We were all laughing looking like idiots. So now anytime he or I go on break we say "have a nice bath". Which is probably way more funny to me then it is to you. But its now almost 3am and what can you expect from me?
Wow this post is turning out long. I should blog in the middle of the night more often, I find more word to say, and it's easier to write my mind. Mainly because the things on my mind are rather silly. But still. You want to read about me, here is me at my... oddest.
I had the weirdest the happen. I'm asleep last night(weird right?) well I wake up because me feet are burning hot. Seriously felt like I was walking on hot pavement, the were out of the blanket so I was like whats going on? I try everything to make them cold. The I realized my hands were like ice so I thought I'd put them on my feet. I touch my feet and they are freezing, seriously whats wrong with me? I can no longer tell the difference between hot & cold when it comes to my feet? So annoying. Maybe it's something to do with my Reynauds. Not sure. I'll have to ask the Dr. I'm thinking I may have to go on meds for it, my hands have been horrid. Like liast night, just sleeping and my hands get ice cold. That's not right. Then I end up with these painful little bumps. So all in all I'd be willing to try something. The only problem is my blood pressure tends to run low, 90/50 on a good day. These meds can lower your pressures. Which isn't good for someone who already have a tendency to pass out.
Now I'm listening to "Need You Now" By Lady Antebellum. Love them. Yes I have a wide taste in music. I'm all about variety. Most of the time. Well at least with music. Not big into rap, screamo, or techno. Surprise you? It shouldn't. I like songs with a point that you can understand the words. So I in other words, shouldn't like my blogging, because seriously, I never get to the point of my stories.
I'm trying to plan something fun, not going to tell anyone what it is until I know whether or not its going to happen. So you will either see a happy Gabby post or a sad Gabby post, maybe tomorrow. We'll see.
I'm addicted to cafe world on facebook. I just checked my cafe and freaked that I only had 20 servings left, my rating went down like 5 points now 7. Goodness! Games are not supposed to stress you out like this! AH the good dishes take forever to cook!
Every one in my house will be up in 4 hours or less. I may still be up. won't that be great, "hey Gabby why you up so early?" Me: "uhm yeah about that, well you see there was this crisis and world hunger, with the price of eggs in china, I couldn't sleep" (okay so I just reread what I typed and it made no sense so I fixed it. :)) Maybe it is about time I hit the sack. 3:26am, Do you know where your children are? My mom probably figures I'm in bed. Boy is she wrong. Okay I'm misspelling every word. I misspelled A how does one do the well you put a dirrefent number in its place. Like in my case the number S.
Gosh. Silly computer. Oh now I'm listening to "She Wolf" funny song really. Why why would a she-wolf be in disguise?? Seriously I this the wolf part would throw people off enough don't you?
I really don't understand the point so I don't know why I like the song, but tonight anything goes at 336am I guess. Right now its Brad Paisley. I do love him too. Not all of him. Some of his songs drive me crazy. I can't think of their names right now, but there are some. I don't like Rebas voice at all. I like Taylor Swift and most of Carrie Underwood. I enjoy Tim Mcgraw and Faith Hill. Oh I love Josh Turner. Saw him in concert, guess I could put those photos up, opening for him was trailer choir and little big town, who are both enjoyable. This is just the country music I like, as I said before my selection is wide. I won't name all the people I like tonight for sake of- this post is awfully long and probably starting to be non-sense. Thats okay though. You're enjoying it, right?
Now its changed to Green Day. Yeah really it's all over the place. Like my mind.I really focus lots better on things when music is playing, I don't zone out AS often. I still zone out, thats why it''s taken me 2 hours to get this far in the post. But less often. So I spell checked the beginning of this a hour or so ago, but I don't feel like doing it again to try to make out what it says, if you don't understand what something says, ask me. I will try to make up the best explanation I have inside of me. It could be quite fun really.
Okay so my biggest want for Christmas is, a hardback copy of Gullivers Travels!!! I would be in heaven. (now she wolf is on in Spanish). I love the smell of books, and there's just something about hardbacks that make my knees weak and my tummy have butterflies. And a webcam. Because I'm stealing a idea from my bestie Rebekah. I goona do a video blog too. Won't that be cool. It will be on random stuff and I will still write here just as often, I just think it would be fun for you all to see and hear who is writing this. What do you think. I would love so input!
Okay so I just randomly broke out in a weird dance. Too bad there was no camera. You could have seen it!! Well honestly I probably wouldn't have posted it, It was that weird. But it was a good thought. Don't you think.
Now In a few minutes I will watch a movie. Not going to share what movie for sake of my life. But it will be a good movie, I hope. I like movies, I like watching movies on my laptop. Wow it started faster then I thought it would, so I'm gonna go. Don't be sad it 4am and I still have tomorrow to blog or today I guess. okay seriously, I love you all. haha funny story about that, but will have to wait. goodnight! *Gabs
P.S. If you made it to the end give yourself a hand. seriously a big one, then a pat on the back. If you understood it all take a bow. And if your confused, sorry, ask questions and I will explain!!!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
MOM talked to Dr.Downy this morning and my appointment is Tuesday. I talked to the other Drs nurse and she said to wait it out a bit and see. SO thats the plan right now. I'm super tired so this is short. Goodnight*Gabby
Monday, November 30, 2009
I don't really have a lot to post tonight.... Not that I really ever do. Tonight it just seems less. Not that I don't have a lot going on in my mind, just finding a away to let it out and still be okay, well is going to be hard....
I was up half the night last night, for more then one reason. I think I was having this silly pain, and my hands and feet were burning. Only I can take enough sleeping pills to "knock out a horse" and still be awake. They do knock me out for maybe 2 hours, if I'm lucky. But hey, I'll that any good sleep I can get!
So I'm in need of a taco, which lucky for me, we have that stuff. Right now the things I want to eat are, tacos, potato chips and pickles, and queso on pizza rolls. I will only eat a few bites of any of it before getting nauseous, but that's what sounds good. Actually at work today, I managed to get through half a cheese burger before becoming nauseous. Its not the horrible nausea that I used to get that the only way to get rid of it was sleep. Its just uncomfortable. And feels like my stomach is trying to come up my throat, that's part of the rumination syndrome. Oh how its fun to have and have had all these different syndromes, really I could do a post just on the different things I've been diagnosed with.
I really do have a love for tacos. I eat mine with onions, lettuce. and green Tabasco. Yum!! How do you eat yours? Nothing better the tacos in my opinion, well maybe steak, but that's a rare meal in our house. No pun intended!!! Ha ha now that you all are probably laughing at me rather then the joke I'm going to move on!
I'm listening to one of my new found loves, Lady Gaga! Beautiful, dirty, rich, is what happens to be playing right now. My favorite is either Bad Romance or Just Dance. Not sure which. I also love The Strange Familiar. The song on my page is by them, my good friend B actually got me into them. I'm downloading my Cd's to my computer, so I can put them on my Ipod! Because I NEED more music on it:). What are some of your favorite music groups? Really this isn't all of mine, I just don't feel like putting them on here right now.
Okay so I know I've mentioned her before but again I want to mention Debi... Who IS going to do a guest post that I'm so excited about! I never really said how I met her. Well when I was in the hospital, summer 08, my mom spent a lot of time playing online, robo runner. Well when Debi found out that I was in the hospital down there she asked if she could come see us, because she lived relatively close to the hospital. SO she came, honestly I was on so many drugs I don't really remember he visit, well maybe I do, I don't know. Its all blurred together. So after that she came a few more times. I went home. Then anytime we were down there and she was free she would come sit at the hospital with my mom while I was having tests done. They built a relationship. She was there a lot when I was in the hospital Jan-Feb 09. Since I spent a little time in there every month until July, we got to see her a lot. Then when I was in the mental health place in august, she came every day. That meant so much to me. We built, in my opinion, a great relationship during that time. Some days I'm sure I looked like a wreck and felt even worse, but she was there, gave me advice, hugged me. Just made me feel better. While she isn't actually from my home having her there was like having a little piece of home with me, for just a minute. :) Now I love her to death, and don't know what I'd do without her. I'm so thankful God has put her in my life.
SO mom got an email from Dr.Downy today. Had said he is going to help figure out why I'm having all these problems again. He also said he missed us! Seriously, I thought I was crazy for missing my surgeon, but since he misses me too, I feel much better about it. That's another special relationship I've made through this medical crap. And that's just two of many. I am still in contact with quite a few of the nurses and techs that took care of me in the hospital. Weird? Yeah but I love it.
So much for not having much to post eh? Okay its after 11pm and I must be getting to bed. Goodnight.*Gabby
Sunday, November 29, 2009
After my 13 hours of odd sleep, I awoke needing to take my medicine. Ate half of a turkey cranberry sandwich on a roll. Drank some raspberry iced tea and now I'm in my chair, under many blankets, in need of a nap. Maybe I'll turn NCIS on and sleep the afternoon away. Oh and I had a NCIS dream... It was odd. Very odd. Have a good day! *Gabby
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Today, I laid around all day, not really sleeping, just kinda out of it. I fell asleep around 12 last night. woke up around 1am, and just kinda dozed for the rest of the night. It wasn't great. When I was able to get out of bed, I had an awful headache. No good.
When you need a break, where do you turn? When being at your breaking point? Is it okay to break for a minute? Not breaking point like suicidal. More like falling apart. Just wanting to breakdown and cry. To lose myself for a few days. Not have to worry about responsibility.
Will it really help me? No not really. I doubt I'll feel any better. But it's still what I want to do. But I won't, it's not me.
Well I'm tired. Gonna go to bed I think. If I can sleep. Okay. *Gabby
Friday, November 27, 2009
Tonight, I'm frustrated. Why? Because my favorite holiday was yesterday, I didn't get to enjoy it. I wanted to. But couldn't. Let me explain. It wasn't because I have nothing to be thankful for. Because I do. Not because my mother didn't make it magical. She did. But because I'm going down hill. I hardly eat any more. SO dinner, well I spent most of it trying not to dry heave. Not enjoyable. I really do know that food is not the point of Thanksgiving. But It's my favorite part. I know it could be worse. I know all of these things. But that doesn't make me feel any better.
Because I never feel like eating, I'm losing weight. I'm no where near as small as I was last winter. But Non-the-less, I'm losing. I'm having horrible cravings. For odd things. yesterday at dinner all I could think about was pickles and potato chips. Really? Why? I just wanted to enjoy a delish meal, thats all. Tonight, there's a fridge full of yummy leftovers(only leftovers I eat are thanksgiving), and all I wanted was pizza rolls with queso sauce on them. I took a picture, but haven't figured out that part of my computer yet. I've eaten 4 of the little rolls, and thats pretty much my food for the day. I'm frustrated, frustrated that this is supposed to be fixed and its not. I'm so tired of being told to deep breathe. Really next person who says that to me might just see me lose it.
I'm having a lot more stomach pain. I don't really have much to say about that, I don't know what it is. It just hurts. ....
Okay, this probably isn't my last vent post of the night. But I need a break. SO this one is ending.*Gabby
I'm going to spend the evening playing Regnum Online. It will be good.
Good day! *Gabby
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
So this post has taken forever to get up. It's close to midnight now. But I will finish it, non-the-less. Unless I fall alseep on the cuputer and a brick falls on my head. Then I won't.
I've been having these dream, they really freak me out. The kind of dream where you wake up out of breath crying and have to figure out what really happened in your life, then it keep popping up for days. The ones that noone wants to have. But non-the-less (my word of the day) I still have them. I'd go into detail but I'm tired and hoping not thinking about it will help them go away.
So the reason this post is taking sooo long is because I had to make a run to my sisters to get a pan for the strawberry jello(i have pictures). So I put on my big girl... PANTS(theres more to that then you really want to know) and headed out into the cold winter night. GOt to my sisters. as soon as I walk in the door my 7 yr old neice walks up with my nephew. I fell in love all over again, with both of them! So I held him for a few mintues before I left. Came home and helped mom get food ready, Thanksgiving is big at our house. We have enough food to feed an Army. Or live off of leftovers for a few days. And I the picky eater, eat, almost, everything she makes. I will try to take pictures of everything tomorrow. I would like to do a post on Thanksgiving, and one on the family. WHo's who, and whatnot. All but my oldest brother will be here, sadly I'm happy he won't. He called me a few names a few ear back and I haven't talked to him since, well mabe thats a lie. I talked to him the summer I spent in the hospital for a minute. I was on so many drugs, and in need for contct for the outside world, I would have talked to anyone. The conversation lasted all of a minute. So other then that, I haven't talked to him.
About the title, I thought it was funny,I took a quiz on facebook and that was my random saying... Not that I've ever in my life said that, but apparently thats my saying, so I'll take it like a man or-woman, to be exact!!! I'm so tired I'm rambling, I hope you're enjoying this.
So when I said i tripped over a broom and fell out the window, they were two SEPARATE events. I'm not the coordinated to do that, I usually catch my face with a wall of=r table r something. just falling out the window would probably hurt less. Luckily lately I haven't had my normal bruise like a peach skin, don't know if I should be worried about that or not, so right now I choose not...
The sore on the back of my head seem to be heaing, it still hurts just as much. Though it seems smaller. The bump next to it is definately smaller. SO hopefully it won't require medical attention. I still have a tooth ache, but I hate making phone calls, so nothings being done about it. Maybe I can get mom to call!!! Haha you didn't tell her not to call the dentist did you? I sure hope not, because I'm tired of it hurting, BUT not to the point I would call myself... SO we/ I will wait. Okay now I'm really dragging. I probably won't post until friday, Maybe tomorrow, don't count on it. I will be shopping black friday specials in the morning. Coputer, Ipod Touch are a few things on my list, Since no of you who read this are in town, I feel just fine telling you that ;)
Hope you all have great thanksgiving. What are you thankful or? Right now. I'm thankful that I may get to see my bestest friend this Christmas, haven't seen her in years. I'm happy. Now I must clean my computer off the couch. Haha I'll take a picture. *Gabs
P.S. I didn't spell check this. SORRY. But I'm too tired!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Sorry I'm getting this up so late. Busy day. SO Debi is the winner of the comment contest. :). If she will I would love her to do a guest post, about anything she wants. ... If she will. I do love her, I love her input, I love how she always makes me feel better. Love it.
I so wanted to do an interesting post tonight. And I think I've come up with one. There are two people I want to blog about tonight. I think they're both great. First, Kellee Jones, http://loveandcf.blogspot.com/ she's great! I met her through my blog, now we talk everyday. Really I love all the wonderful people I've met through this. Go check out her blog. It's fun and life all mixed together. I love it.
Okay the second person I want to talk about, My all time bestest friend, Rebekah. I love her to death. We had been out of contacted for a few years but recently got back in contact. I love it. It's like we haven't lost a day. She is the sweetest person. http://theaustenite.blogspot.com/ Go check her blog out. If you go back though the posts you will see some artwork shes done. AMAZING. I can't wait to be able to see her. She's gonna draw me!!! I'm excited if you can't tell. Though if I just got to see her and she didn't draw me, I'd be just as excited!!!
Well I'm exhausted. So I'm gonna head to bed. I try to remember to take pictures of Thanksgiving and the prep there of. We'll see. Thank you for reading!!!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
The contest below is open tell I get home tomorrow. Please comment.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
This is my nephew Drew7 months, and Peleg 12 days. He was all about giving the baby kisses, it was so cute! But do you think he would even consider giving me a kiss? NO!!! Such a stinker. He is all over the place. He crawls, pulls himself up, has 4-6 teeth, eats mostly table food. He is the chunkiest baby! He is probably 25lbs, he hangs over both ends of his infant carrier. Seriously huge. But I Love him SOOOO much. Sorry this is sideways!!! My computer still isn't working great so I can't access my photo editor and this is how it came out. I was so excited. This was my first time "babywearing"! I LOVED IT. Seriously. He's a big baby and I didn't even feel like I was holding him. It was great!!!
So it's getting close to Thanksgiving. I know I have a lot to be thankful for. But right now, I'm not feeling it. So what are you thankful for, please leave me comment telling me! Help me get in the spirit! I do love Thanksgiving though. I just love to eat! Go on an ice chip diet for a few months, you learn to love ALL food. Don't get me wrong, there's still foods I don't care for, but I'll eat anything. It's truly a miracle that I'm able to eat at all. They(the DRS) didn't expect me to ever be able to eat again. So this soon. Miracle!!! But no matter how much I eat, I'm still losing weight. Might just be my body stabilizing out. As all of what I've gained is TPN forced weight. But My eating goes up and down too. Some days, not that's not right, ALL days, I don't really feel like eating, not feel like as in not hungry, I still want food. Some days I'm able to get a LOT of calories down. Others, I'm doing good if I get a half a cheese burger down. When I say cheese burger I mean the single patty one from McDonald's. The smallest one they have... So in that area I'm struggling right now. Any extra prayers you could send up for me would be appreciated....
Lately, as I think I mentioned to you the other day, my mood has also been struggling. I understand that all days won't be peachy, but having so many "down" days just makes me feel even worse. I've been sleeping even less the the usual 3-5 hours. So I've been taking sleep aids. Which don't really help, they just make me groggy, which is better then laying in bed wide awake. So I will continue to take them, maybe they'll start working, who knows...
So my eating's been crazy. My mood has been low. My weight is dropping. My "boyfriend" is 1,000's of miles away. I have a toothache. Stomach pain. Resentful feelings towards people that were buried during surgery-recovery, are coming out. My work schedule, well its awful. And somehow, I need to find a thankful spirit? Okay, really, HELP ME HERE. I need it.
"The Life Pursuit" What do you do when hope is all but gone? You need a brother to lean on But your brother's gone Your sister's in the wrong part of town I took a walk to remember ecstasy It's not today, not even yesterday Songs of praise all very well Their voices swell They tug at sadness Like love tugging at your sleeve Is it worth the pain To walk into the void again? In your darkest hour he is the tiniest light Light that's found beyond your present situation And it's wide and it's broad, beyond all estimation Is your belly fat, is your man a? Do in-growing hairs provide you with strange fascination? The highlight of your day is plucking all the roots away You took a walk to remember ecstasy It's not today, not even yesterday In your darkest hour he is the tiniest light The smallest of sparks He's a tinderbox, he's a flaming torch Pinch your self quite hard, in a place that hurts If it doesn't work, ask your friend to comply And if they hit the spot You can let yourself cry And when the teardrops stop, I will take you for a drive I'll explain all I know about the spiritual side Life that's found beyond your present situation And it's wide and it's broad, beyond all estimation
That song has so much meaning to me right now. Odd. But that's okay, I'm not known for being "normal" whatever that is.
So other then, well everything that's going on, "I'm fine". I'll "get over it". I'll put on my "grown up pants". I'll "move on". BUT while I do all that. I will blog. Sometimes it won't be "pretty". Sometimes you won't like it. But as it is with sport- "what makes a true fan is following them through their off seasons too". While you may not be "fans" That statement still has so much truth, just because I may have some down times, you may not like my post, don't stop reading. One day, I'll be winning again!
Okay now that this has become my longest post EVER, I'll be done. I feel like I should do something. I don't have anything to give away. So while this isn't a great honor like it might be on other blogs, the person who's comment touches me the most, I'll post on the blog, hey maybe I'll even let you do a guest post! Wouldn't that be exciting, you get to be heard by the whole 11 followers! But then again, they are the most WONDERFUL followers I could ask for! Considering most of you have your own blogs, its not that great. But it's all I can do right now. So leave me a comment, say something touching, leave your email address. I'll figure something out. This will end sometime Monday. So hurry up and comment!!! Okay turning off now! Have a good night! *Gabby
Friday, November 20, 2009
I really did NOT enjoy the book!! But I wanted to see how they did on the movie. So I'm going. We'll see how it turns out. It's going to be crazy, I'm sure. So now I'm off to do my hair and get dressed! Maybe I'll post on the movie after I get home. We'll see. *Gabby
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Sorry for all the short posts tonight. I'm trying to lift my spirits and there is not much more to do.
I'm watching NCIS. Already saw this one so its rather boring. But mom hasn't... So here we are watching it. ...
I'm about ready for bed. But not quite. I know the earlier I hit the sack, the earlier I wake up. So I will stay up tell 11 and hope to sleep straight until 4 or 5. Then it will be up on and off until 9. But it most likely won't happen like that. I will probably be up tell 1 and then up at 4. It makes a very grumpy Gabby. Really. Can you imagine me grumpy? Its not a pretty picture. That's why I take a nap in the middle of the day. I can't make it the whole day most of the time. Every once in a while I can do it. As long as I keep busy I do okay.
I have an awful toothache. ... Its making me miserable. Really, stomach pain, tooth pain. They don't mix well. Hoping to find a dentist that will take my insurance. Its not a likely situation. SO if it doesn't go away by Monday I will be at the dentist regardless of insurance.
Okay, so there's only a handful of things that make me tick. But one is someone else using my bath towel. And tonight, I get out of the shower, grab my towel, and its wet! EWW!! So Gross. I freaked out. Threw it on the floor. I can't stand that. That's like wearing someone Else's dirty underwear. Seriously GROSS!!! Sorry. Just had to get that out!!!
So now I will head to bed. With some pain meds and a hot pack. Hope to sleep More then three hours. Hmm I just realized I have some sleeping pills in he cupboard. Maybe I'll take one. See how it turns out.
Oh BTW I am sitting on the couch with my computer on my lap. Seriously that's exciting for me. The screen hadn't worked in months and randomly the other day it started working. Still blacks out at times. But comes back if I restart it. I still plan on getting a new one because it only runs in safe mode. Which doesn't allow me to do much. But until I get a new one, I am more then happy to use this one. Have a good night. *Gabs
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Okay, to be completely honest, I'm a mess right now. I'm in quite a bit of pain. Which I can usually deal with, IF I can sleep. But I just got home a little bit ago so that wasn't an option.
But really that's not whats bothering me. One of my "good" friends mom had brain surgery yesterday, I find out after that fact. Why does it always happen like that? I would much rather be in the loop so I can help during, then find out after its all over with. She was like a second mom to me. But instead I find out after, And feel completely useless. Story of my life.
Should knowing that someone else has it worse then me make me feel better? Because it doesn't. It actually makes me feel worse. Knowing that its not just me suffering, but that someone is actually hurting more then me. It's an awful feeling. I don't like to be in pain so why should I feel better knowing that someone else is in pain? Doesn't make sense to me.
I'm a very sensitive person. I don't show it very often. I put on this front, one that says I don't really care about much, mainly because I know if I let myself show that I care, I won't be able to hold back the tears. When I was in the treatment center back in August, I think I cried for like 6 days straight. I felt awful that whole time. But I couldn't hold it together any longer. I felt like I had failed everyone in my life. Even the blog world. Because I knew that there was people in worse situations that were holding together just fine. But I couldn't. Made me feel worse.
Well you got my heart tonight. Maybe tomorrow I'll give the story of "Tho Girl Who Cared" I don't work. So I should be able to!
Now I'm going to take a long hot bath. It will take away the french fry smell and hopefully help my tummy! Goodnight*Gabby
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Stupid depression commercial just came on. I'm really not loving how often they come on. So now I'm annoyed.... But I will move on and continue to write.
I've been feeling, well I don't really have an exact word for what I've been feeling. Good for the most part. But I have moments of extreem sadness. Moments where all I want to do is curl up and cry. Moments where I don't feel like I can hold it together any longer. But somehow, I manage to get through those moments. I move on, the world keeps spinning. Or at least it feels like is spinning. I'm standing still and eveyone else is carrying on.
I'm chatting with Troy, its amazing. I miss him so much. I can't wait tell he comes home in April.
I'm tired and don't feel like blogging anymore. Maybe tomorrow! *Gabby