Wednesday, September 30, 2009

move along

It's snowing. No. I mean IT"S SNOWING. Goodness. Where has the time gone? I am freezing! But for the 1st time since sunday I don't have a fever, so I guess I'm doing better. Seems that everyone in town is sick. Small town. Work of course has been horrible about me being sick. TOday I called and they told me to come in and find someone to work for me. So I went in, called a bunch of people, couldn't find anyone, then a manager starts complaining that I'm gonna get him sick. UHM excuse me! I'm the one that called in and said I shouldn't come in, you are the one who told me to come in and find someone to work for me, so don't even start with me. Okay? Okay. So as you can probably tell it irritated me quite a bit.

Okay So lately I have completely failed at getting an entire post out in one day. So the top of this is from yesterday. And who know the bottom may be from tomorrow... I'm still sick. I went a few hours with out a fever yesterday... But it spiked back up this morning. I of course still had to go to work. :( Its freezing here still. I went and had dinner with a friend(story to come) And by the time i drove from her house to mine I was froze! So I thought a nice hot shower would help...Well it did until the hot water ran out, then I hurried to dry off and get into some warm clothes, but wasn't quick enough. I seem to have gotten a chill. So now I'm in my Pjs with a hoodie on, plus two blankets wrapped around my feet and my electric blanket on top. Trying to get warm... It's not going so well. Okay to the story about my friend.

Well I met her when I took the CNA class. SHe is the sweetest lady. We hit it off even though she's over 20 years older then me, I tend to get along with older people better then people my own age. Well she had a son who was about my age, we started dating. He is the one I think I blogged about before, He was killed in a wreck mid JUly. Well I haven't really talked to her since then. Randomly TUesday night she shows up at my house. Great. REally. Well we get to talking, turns out her husband kicked her out just before Jonnys death. SHe has been homeless since then. JUst barely got a place. She barely has the money to eat once a day. Well she left. I fell apart. It just breaks my heart. She doesn't deserve this. So tonight I took some food over and we ate and talked a bit. It was real nice to talk to her. She gets it. THe it that I can't really explain. SHe gets. I cried for hours after she left. It's not okay. I just want to make it all better, but I can't. That makes me angry. I just hate to see people suffering. I can't handle it. ANd this lady is really suffering. THen it makes me feel bad, my trials seem like nothing compared to hers,and I can't handle them. Then I look at her and she is handling it. I should be able to handle this.

Well I promise to get that post up soon Nicole! Just haven't had time where I'm feeling okay to do it yet.


Monday, September 28, 2009

Clever post title.

Okay, I wrote the previous post saturday, got up for a minute and haven't been back on my computer until now. So now I'm going to post again. I've been sick. Had a fever since Saturday evening. Called out of work today, only to be told I had to go in. Went in. Got sent home. I just love going in circles. Now I intend to write a very indepth post on exactly what I'm feeling.
I honestly feel awful. Why? Because I've lost my way. No I haven't just lost my way, I've lost everything. My friends don't know how to treat me. No one does. And its gotten old. So very old. The worst part is, I don't even know how to treat myself. Do is push myself to do the things I don't want to because maybe one day I will want to? Do I stay in bed because I don't feel like facing the cruel world. I don't feel like being Gabby right now. Can't someone else do it please. I don't know what I want. I just know this isn't it. I need a break. I'm doing stupid things. I'm saying stupid things. Everyone drives me outta my skin, They don't have to do anything at all and I'm beyond annoyed with them. Right this moment, I'm doing everything I can not to burst in to tears. And I want so badly to ask "why me God" but I'm afraid I don't want to know the answer. Right now my emotions are very hard for me to express. I just want to be okay. But I don't know when that is going to happen. I have the erge to walk up to people I see and say "my names Gabby and I'm not okay. "

Saturday, September 26, 2009

You spin my head right round!

Saturday 26, 2009

Oh goodness! Its been a day! Not a good day either! I don't even know where to start! I went to work at nine. Did NOT feel like getting outta bed. Kept pushing snooze! Finally got up at 830. Had a horrid headache and sore throat, went to work anyways. Got there. IT was crazy busy! We were having a special sale. About 1030, all I remember is this blood curdling scream, someone yelling that truck just ran over that kid, I grabbed on to the cash register so that I didn't fall over, then I hear my voice asking someone to call 911. My managers run outside. along with everyone else in the lobby. I hold on for dear life just focusing on breathing. Someone comes in and says the mom grabbed the boy yelled at her husband to unlock the van got in and drove off. They said his legs were curled up behind him, and looked like they were bleeding. He of course was screaming, WHich in my opinion was good, meant he was alive. But we have no clue how this kid is doing, or if the parents even took him to the hospital. I hope so. Then I had to keep working. I was so zoned out I could barely function. It was just awful. Everything that could possobly go wrong at work, went wrong. And my day has just been crap! Before that happened, someone came in and smelt like one of the nusres at the hospital used to smell. It was real hard to take their order. I think I might need a break from work. Its not helping any. I'm not doing very good emotionally. I don't feel very good emotionally.

My therapist gave me a paper on different things I can do to help keep me in the moment when something triggers memories and I want to zone out. But I cant really do any of them at work. (goodness I just started shaking and can barely type its so bad. gonna get some sugar good thing

I have a handy candy drawer)

Friday, September 25, 2009

Not again

OH goodness! I really wanted to really blog tonight. But Its pretty late, I have to work tomorrow. :( I volunteered though. Don't know why. But it will be good for me. When I'm home I'm usually in bed. My counselor tells me that its not good for me to stay in bed all of the time, even though that's all I ever feel like doing, and then I feel guilty for doing it because I'm really not sick anymore and don't need to stay in bed.
So its been a hard week. Emotionally. Not really different from any other week. I'm just not able to handle anything right now. So really I have a lot of emotions to blog about. When I get the chance.
I feel bad. I've really pulled back inside myself more this last month. I don't really talk to anyone. Not even the people I really care about. But I don't know what to say. And I'm so tired of being asked if I'm okay. Seriously I think next time someone asks me that, I might just fall to pieces. And you guys are wonderful and don't ask me that!
As for the few that suggested I have my mom read my blog. That would be a great idea. Is a great idea. But if I do that then that brings her into the blog world. I don't Check Spellinglove that idea. I like being able to say whatever I want about whom ever I please. The only person I know IRL That is aloud to read it is Courtney. And that's because if I have a problem with her and I post it on here chances are I'm already told her about it so it doesn't really matter.
AND Nicole! I love that idea! I will certainly start working on that post as soon as a get a free minute to free my head! SO watch for it! And if anyone has any other questions that want me to answer in that post, I will be happy to do my best at answering them so just leave me a comment or email me. address is on the side there.
Okay now that I've spent way more time then I had on this post, I MUST be getting to bed. Love to all. Goodnight *Gabs

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Ah man

I want... To blog... I need... To sleep... I must... Go to bed... Maybe tomorrow... After work... Probably not... I will be napping... But Friday... Friday I will Blog... It will be good... Hopefully... For now... Goodnight... *Gabs

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Right.... Words?

Me. I'm not one of many words. I can go hours just sitting and listening to the world around me, not making a sound. Some people don't understand this about me. Well most people don't understand it. But I don't know how to change it. I don't like to talk. To anyone about anything. I do sometimes talk a lot, when I'm upset and trying to cover it up. It doesn't always work. Being in the hospital so much has made this a lot worse. I didn't have to talk. I didn't want to talk. But now that its all over, I need to talk. But it hurts. Physically hurts me to talk about everything I've been through. But keeping it in is doing a lot of damage. I'm developing fears. Fears of everything. Germs, cars, people, work. Very irrational fears. My anxiety level is way too high. I zone in and out of life. I don't remember a whole conversation. When people are talking to me, doesn't matter what about, usually they say something that reminds me of the horrible times I had in the hospital and if I stay in the moment I would probably have a melt down. That wouldn't be good. I feel bad that I don't listen to what they're saying but I can't seem to focus on them. I work very hard every second of everyday to hold myself together. When I feel myself starting to fall apart I crawl back inside myself and hold on to whatever I can. I seriously feel like I'm going crazy. I feel so alone. I keep telling myself that I'm not alone that there are people all around wanting to help me. But it doesn't help. I still feel like no one cares and I'm going through this by myself. That fight that I knew me and my mother were gonna have, well it waited tell Friday night. It was an awful fight. 3+ hours... About every little thing that has been bugging her for the last year. For most of it I just sat and cried. I don't very often cry. But this weekend it has been something I've done often. I don't like it. Back to the fight, well she says she's frustrated because she doesn't understand what I'm going through, or know what I need. Well guess what. I'm frustrated with that too. Most of the time I don't understand what I'm feeling or what I need how am I supposed to tell other people what I need? Sometimes all I need is a hug. To feel someones tight grip around me makes me feel less likely to fall into pieces. At other times I need someone to tell me that my life is worth living. That the would miss me if I were to kill myself. But how do I communicate these needs to others? How do I the person of so few words teach myself to say "hey I'm not feeling real great and just need a hug" or "I'm not feeling that my life is worth living right now could you talk me through this?" Honestly I don't think I'll ever be to the point where I'll be able to say that. It's just not who I am. *Gabby

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Just a little

Hurt, confused, humble. Just a little sad. Just a little though. If a little is when you have to stop and ponder life, wondering what the point of it really is. I don't think that's just a little. I think its just ALOT. Honestly I just spent the last hour and a half silently sobbing on the drive home from the Doctor. It had nothing to do with the Doctor. That visit went great. I had to do with the fight I had with my mom and the harsh word she decided to stab me with. Why? Because I was upset because we made a trip to the city and I needed to go get a new computer and she didn't make time for it. I wasn't really upset with her even. Just upset. As anyone would be if they had the money set aside to buy a new computer and the only time they had to do it the didn't get to because some one else decided something else was more important. So we are in the car, getting back on the freeway, she is going off about me being in a bad mood, I'm sitting back just taking it because I really don't want to fight with her. I say "you would be just as upset if it were you. You would have already made time to get a new computer." She starts crying and gets mad at me saying how rude it was to say that. Uhm... Sorry. I didn't mean to be rude just stating the facts. Then she says"I've spent the last year and a half taking care of you doing everything you needed and this is how you treat me?" UHM now all the crap that has happened is suddenly my fault. Because you know I could control it. Oh and I just loved being so sick I couldn't even shower myself. That was just the best days of my life. And watching as everyone around me worries themselves sick over whats gonna happen next. It just makes me feel so nice and warm inside. NOT Its not enough that this last year has been HELL watching her hurt so much over everything I've been through is also HELL, seeing how its put mine and her lives in pieces, feeling like CRAP 95% of the time. No, that's not enough. I haven't been through enough. She has to put it all on me. Somehow it has to be my fault. The saddest part is, maybe shes right maybe all the HELL I've gone through and put everyone else through is my fault. Right now. Right now I feel horrid. Later, I'm still gonna feel horrid. No matter what she says now, she can never take those words back and I'm forever gonna feel bad for putting her through HELL. I just stopped talking to her in the car. SO now that we're away from the boys, there will probably be a bigger fight. It won't help either one of feel better, I will say things I regret. She will say things that hurt me. And we'll both go to bed upset. Sounds wonderful. NOT. *Gabby

Friday, September 4, 2009

McFlurry... ITEMS???

I'm lovin' the new look! I especially love the song she put on here. Thank you so much for doing this for me!

I just ate a very yummy peach! I love fresh fruit! Fresh veggies are great too! I really just love food. I will try just about anything! Ha kinda icky but true fact about me. I often put stuff in my mouth chew it then spit it out. That way it doesn't make me nauseous! We a a contest at church to see who could eat their doughnut fastest, mind you that this doughnut was on a string, we were laying down and someone was holding it over our mouths. I lost :(. But managed to get almost the whole doughnut in my mouth with out swallowing. I am not handling food very well right now. It very often is making me very sick. So I try to eat. But if it has very much of anything good or bad for me in it, it makes me ill.

I work graveyard shift tonight... 12-6. But I don't have to work tomorrow so that's good! I'm excited to be going back to the nursing home! Not only does it pay very nice, but I mostly enjoy the atmosphere.

I worked all day yesterday. By the end of my shift, I was so out of it, it was probably amusing to those watching. Well I decided that I wanted a McFlurry. I had just worked 8 hours I deserved some ice cream. Well I don't know what other McDOnalds have but ours has this little machine on the wall, you stick the end of the spoon on it, stick the spoon in the ice cream, turn it on and it spins and mixes the ice cream well I did the above mentioned steps, but instead of it stirring the ice cream... I dropped the cup the spoon being covered in vanilla ice cream and oreo mix still spinning. Me not thinking while being covered in the mixture decides to grab the spoon so it stops flinging the stuff everywhere. Well lets just say I'm very glad it didn't break my fingers... It came very close. And that's my story. Laugh. Laugh all you want. I felt so stupid. And looked like I had just been in a food fight.

I had family therapy today. I guess it went good. There was a lot of crying. I don't like crying...
I'm going to a star wars party. At Courtney's house. Till about 7 or 8. Then I'm coming home and going to bed before its time to go to work. But before I go I'm gonna tell you one more silly thing I did.
Today while having lunch with my mom at her office I see this coloring book, It says "fun TIMES coloring book." I look at it and say "hmm they spelt ITEMS wrong." UHM okay blonde moment. :) Well maybe I will blog tomorrow. Depends on how tired I am!!! Hope all are well!!! *Gabs

Thursday, September 3, 2009

New look!

SO! What do you think? do you like it? I sure do! A Sweet blog friend of mine did it up especially for me! I think its great!
I would love to do a long post. BUT I just got off work and need to shower a rest a bit. Its been a long day! Maybe later... *Gabs