Monday, September 28, 2009

Clever post title.

Okay, I wrote the previous post saturday, got up for a minute and haven't been back on my computer until now. So now I'm going to post again. I've been sick. Had a fever since Saturday evening. Called out of work today, only to be told I had to go in. Went in. Got sent home. I just love going in circles. Now I intend to write a very indepth post on exactly what I'm feeling.
I honestly feel awful. Why? Because I've lost my way. No I haven't just lost my way, I've lost everything. My friends don't know how to treat me. No one does. And its gotten old. So very old. The worst part is, I don't even know how to treat myself. Do is push myself to do the things I don't want to because maybe one day I will want to? Do I stay in bed because I don't feel like facing the cruel world. I don't feel like being Gabby right now. Can't someone else do it please. I don't know what I want. I just know this isn't it. I need a break. I'm doing stupid things. I'm saying stupid things. Everyone drives me outta my skin, They don't have to do anything at all and I'm beyond annoyed with them. Right this moment, I'm doing everything I can not to burst in to tears. And I want so badly to ask "why me God" but I'm afraid I don't want to know the answer. Right now my emotions are very hard for me to express. I just want to be okay. But I don't know when that is going to happen. I have the erge to walk up to people I see and say "my names Gabby and I'm not okay. "


rabidbutterfly said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I may not have been through the same stuff, but I know the feelings.

Nicole said...

There might not be an answer. You arent being punished if thats what you are thinking. You suffer from depression. Plain and simple. Its a disease, and when you get used to living with it, adapt to it, use the tools the therapist gives us, it will get marginally better. When you can recognize it as a chemical situation rather than "this feeling means I dont belong in my own skin", it doesnt get any easier. but the times when you DONT feel depressed DO. If you think of them as dark, I have a dark cloud hanging over me. So I have to wait out the storm...the sun WILL come out. and you will sigh in relief that you lasted another occurance and you will go along. Right now I think that your depression is affecting your physical health, which is logical. But sometimes taking care of the physical ailments will help left the clouds. do you exercise? east right? what about stretching or yoga? I think maybe even Tai Chi would be really good for you. I just urge you to keep surviving, Gabby. I barely know you, but i know your words and I know you are a survivor. Even if you dont feel strong, you have it inside you. And who cares if you cry. I cry once a freaking day. some people take smoke breaks at work, take a cry break. I just feel like you are where I was, a long time ago. This is what I would say to myself if I could go back. and I am aware that the old me would have said I was downplaying the pain.