Thursday, October 20, 2011

Letting Go.

I think one of the hardest things for me on a daily basis is letting go. Coming to the reality that I can't control everybody and everything. Knowing that I can't do everything. Letting... Well watching people I love make mistakes that I feel I know a better way. Which isn't always the case. Everyone has to learn their own way. Some people can learn thru others, but I think for the most part we have to learn it for ourselves. We have to have those times where we fall flat to realize "hey I'm not perfect I need God to help me thru this." Because quite frankquently(Word of the week ha-ha) people who never have big struggles and never fall, publicly are not fun to be around. We need those to make us humble. I struggle with this. I get in my little zone and only focus on how others seem to have it better than me. When in all reality everyone struggles, you just don't always see it. I tend to be really open about a lot of my life, yet completely shut off in others. I will admit my struggles, for the most part. Yet some things, like anger, pain, and hurt I refuse to deal with. I refuse to let myself be justifiably angry because I know the damage that it can cause when it is out of control. I never want to get to that point. SO I try not to feel it at all. Which I guess for the most part works. I have certain folders you could say that tend to get me riled up. But for the most part I maintain my calm attitude on the outside. 

I've been told this by many. I'm not trying to boast in it. Or build myself up. I'm just processing thru it. I am very hard to read emotionally. I can maintain my straight face. I can keep a smile on even in my darkest times. Is this good? Well I'm told so. I'm told wearing your emotions on your sleeve isn't easy to be around. I guess I'm just used to it? But at the same time, I know I over compensate when I am hurting. I become completely distant from everyone. I keep that smile and the automatic "Fine, how are you?" I don't always like this about myself, and I know one day when I'm married my husband will probably dislike it too. But, I don't want to be the emotional blob either. Where is the middle ground for me? I guess that's what I will start working on. Being more emotionally showing towards people, because it's not that I don't feel things. I would say I'm over emotional on the inside. Maybe that's why I put a wall on the outside? Hmm. Okay. This is deep enough for the public :) 

My stomach is not happy today. Ugh. It happens I guess though. I know why. But it's not easily fixable, just has to be gotten thru. 

So I've spent the last few days deciding whether or not to share this on here. I've decided yes. Many of you... If you still read have been thru a lot of this medical stuff and prayed for me, so I will tell you the news;

I have Hypothalamic Pituitary Dysfunction, also know as Hypopituitarism. It can be dangerous if not controlled. They aren't sure what caused it. I'm going to see a specialist. 
There are many hormones that the Pituitary Gland controls. The one it is for sure affecting for me is Gonadotropin Deficiency. So medically speaking I suffer from Infertility. Medically speaking it will be close to impossible by the looks of my case for me to have be pregnant. BUT, my Jesus does not go by this medically speaking stuff. I know it is in HIS will no matter what happens. 

I'm not gonna lie and say it doesn't still upset me at times to think I can't have children. But, I just give it to God in those times. Because HE is bigger than my pain. HE has it all under control.

A few extra prayers never hurt anything however, if you get the chance. It's an unknown situation. There is another situation on top of that, that really needs prayers. 

Okay. Well I hope you all have an awesome Thursday, tomorrow is Friday!! I'm ready for the weekend. That's for certain!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Where Did My Snow Go?

So, the snow is gone. It was like a glimpse of what could be and then snatched away. That's alright tho. I know it will come back to me :) 

I have been trying to just take life slow lately. Not worry so much about every one else and focus on today. I can't control what happens tomorrow. I can't control anything really. Just my attitude towards it all. SO today I will choose to be positive. I will choose to not let all these little irrelevant things bring me down. I will still choose Jesus. It may be hard to keep a positive outlook. I may fail in my carnality sometimes. But, I can always get back up and start over. Because HE paid the ultimate price for me. 

I'm currently watching Mickey Mouse Club House. It's not as miserable as some of these other kids shows. But seriously. What happened to shows like Little Bear and Winnie the Pooh? 
On a normal day the Tv would be off and we would be doing something. But this week has been a little off for us so instead we take a break and do nothing. Which is totally okay. I will make some yummy cookies here in a few. Do some cleaning. Finish the laundry. Later. Right now. I will just sit and take it all in. Because while all of it needs to be done. None of it is urgent. 

I'm totally hoping to go back to school in the Spring. Well not go anywhere but start again. Just one class. But, it will be totally amazing. I'm so ready to be back at it. To be learning , writing papers and reading text books. I'm ready. :)

Thursday, October 13, 2011


Well, again I have been terrible about blogging. It's not that I don't want to. Or that I don't have the time.  I have plenty to write about. So what is it exactly keeping me from it? Well I'm not really sure. I guess I'm not always sure how much of anything I want to share here anymore. I would love to share everything. Without a care in the world about it like I used to. But I can't. Mainly because of current situations, but I think I already touched on this subject so lets move on.

So we already have had snow. Ugh. Last week. Which means 10 months of being cold all of the time. But it also means I get to wear scarves and hats and coats and boots. Who doesn't love boots? It means more tea and less pepsi. Well no still just as much pepsi but more hot tea. It means I get to envy those drinking hot cocoa and eat a lot of soup. It means a flu shot in the near future and being more aware of who I'm around. It means ice skating and snow men... When it snows again. It means long walks while the flakes are falling, and waking up to the fresh glitter a few times a week. It means being snowed in to the house and staying in our jammies all day watching movies and reading books. Can you tell I'm slightly fond of winter?