Thursday, October 20, 2011

Letting Go.

I think one of the hardest things for me on a daily basis is letting go. Coming to the reality that I can't control everybody and everything. Knowing that I can't do everything. Letting... Well watching people I love make mistakes that I feel I know a better way. Which isn't always the case. Everyone has to learn their own way. Some people can learn thru others, but I think for the most part we have to learn it for ourselves. We have to have those times where we fall flat to realize "hey I'm not perfect I need God to help me thru this." Because quite frankquently(Word of the week ha-ha) people who never have big struggles and never fall, publicly are not fun to be around. We need those to make us humble. I struggle with this. I get in my little zone and only focus on how others seem to have it better than me. When in all reality everyone struggles, you just don't always see it. I tend to be really open about a lot of my life, yet completely shut off in others. I will admit my struggles, for the most part. Yet some things, like anger, pain, and hurt I refuse to deal with. I refuse to let myself be justifiably angry because I know the damage that it can cause when it is out of control. I never want to get to that point. SO I try not to feel it at all. Which I guess for the most part works. I have certain folders you could say that tend to get me riled up. But for the most part I maintain my calm attitude on the outside. 

I've been told this by many. I'm not trying to boast in it. Or build myself up. I'm just processing thru it. I am very hard to read emotionally. I can maintain my straight face. I can keep a smile on even in my darkest times. Is this good? Well I'm told so. I'm told wearing your emotions on your sleeve isn't easy to be around. I guess I'm just used to it? But at the same time, I know I over compensate when I am hurting. I become completely distant from everyone. I keep that smile and the automatic "Fine, how are you?" I don't always like this about myself, and I know one day when I'm married my husband will probably dislike it too. But, I don't want to be the emotional blob either. Where is the middle ground for me? I guess that's what I will start working on. Being more emotionally showing towards people, because it's not that I don't feel things. I would say I'm over emotional on the inside. Maybe that's why I put a wall on the outside? Hmm. Okay. This is deep enough for the public :) 

My stomach is not happy today. Ugh. It happens I guess though. I know why. But it's not easily fixable, just has to be gotten thru. 

So I've spent the last few days deciding whether or not to share this on here. I've decided yes. Many of you... If you still read have been thru a lot of this medical stuff and prayed for me, so I will tell you the news;

I have Hypothalamic Pituitary Dysfunction, also know as Hypopituitarism. It can be dangerous if not controlled. They aren't sure what caused it. I'm going to see a specialist. 
There are many hormones that the Pituitary Gland controls. The one it is for sure affecting for me is Gonadotropin Deficiency. So medically speaking I suffer from Infertility. Medically speaking it will be close to impossible by the looks of my case for me to have be pregnant. BUT, my Jesus does not go by this medically speaking stuff. I know it is in HIS will no matter what happens. 

I'm not gonna lie and say it doesn't still upset me at times to think I can't have children. But, I just give it to God in those times. Because HE is bigger than my pain. HE has it all under control.

A few extra prayers never hurt anything however, if you get the chance. It's an unknown situation. There is another situation on top of that, that really needs prayers. 

Okay. Well I hope you all have an awesome Thursday, tomorrow is Friday!! I'm ready for the weekend. That's for certain!

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