Saturday, April 30, 2011
It's not fair
It's not right
It's not me.
Or I could simply say it's life. I can't control it. I can't always change it. It's hurts me. I cry, a lot. But, I will put on a smile and carry on. Because, life isn't worth living if there is no happiness, the only one that can make me happy is me. So I will choose today to be a happy hobo. Live my life to the fullest and continue on, learning to dance in the rain. To laugh when I feel like crying. To hold on when I feel like giving up. No one is going to fight through this but me. So I need to step up. Lets do this. And while I'm at it, maybe get on some mood stabilizers. :) Yeah I know. It's a roller coaster.
So, I'm not really sure that any one reads this anymore. So if you do, comment! Let me know something that has made you happy this week!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Every little girl dreams of marrying daddy, right? Me. I dreamed of who I thought my daddy to be. Because you see, I didn't know him. He left when I was 4. I still don't know him. I've seen him twice in the last 15 years. Talked to him maybe 10 times, and none in the last 3 years. But, the streak was broken today. You see, last week while talking with my Grandpa he strongly encouraged me to give my father a call. I smiled and nodded brushing it off. I mean, he has never shown an interest in my life, why bother? But this conversation with my Grandpa stuck in my head. I thought about it, hardly sleeping for days. Then I did it. I asked my Auntie for his number. I called him, Tuesday. I received no answer. How did I feel about this? So I left a message, and waited. No return call came. I talked to Auntie again. She had talked to him. He was excited to hear from me. She thought I should call again. I did. Home. Cell. Still no answer. I didn't bother leaving messages this time. Why would I? Then, a few hours later. My phone rang, it was him! The sound of his voice, is it weird that I was comforted by it? We talked as if no time had passed. We exchanged day to day thoughts. Wow. I'm a bit like him. The conversation only went flat when he put my step-mom on. Uh, hi. Okay. Then he was back and on went the words. I was in heaven. He still calls me Sis. I still love it. It's sometimes odd the things we remember from childhood. I can't remember his face. Other than the few pictures I have of him. But his voice, and being called Sis, that I remember. I didn't want the conversation to end. Ever. But Alas, it was time. I needed to head to dinner with everyone. SO I had to get off. Can someone please explain the overwhelming feeling of joy inside me when he said "I love you Sis, let me know what the Dr says"?!?! Seriously. I suppose it's just the very infrequent mention of him. The close to never hearing of his voice. The missing of him telling me he loves me. It all goes together. And tonight my heart is full.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I hate waiting. The best things in life might be worth waiting for, but some of the worst take the longest. I get so frustrated with Doctors. Seriously. I know you probably had the results yesterday so why not calln and tell me what they said, even if you don't know what the plan of action is yet. I need to email my surgeon about what is going on. NOT the one who tried to kill me. The one who helped to save me. I very much don't want to. I very much don't want to say I'm having more problems. That I'm not doing as well as I and he would like. That, this could be life threatening. I don't want to say all that. I would much rather say life is great and I'm still in College, having a grand ole time living life. But I can't that isn't the truth. I hate it. I hate this not knowing stuff. I just want to know.
I know this is all in Gods timing. I know I can't rush things. But I'm feeling pretty miserable right now. I can hardly breathe and my chest is hurting horribly. I should have called the Dr today. I know this. But, I didn't have the number handy. Since I didn't want to call in the first place I didn't go looking for the number. You see, I avoid. I'm great at it…
On a different note. I have this friend, whom I'm not sure if I've mentioned on here. T and I are best of friends we have been for years. We are creepy sometimes. We just Know things. Like if I'm upset, she calls. She is absolutely amazing. We have grown really close these last couple months. She has always stuck by me. Through everything the last few years. But she has been especially close these last few months when a lot of the other people in my life have dropped out. I can't thank her enough. Last week, the man who has been a father figure in her life for the last 8 years died of a heart attack. Very unexpectedly. She is doing well considering. But, is still hurting. Missing him. She just needs prayer. Se is being so strong throughout this all and I am so very proud of her!
Yeah, random. I know. Lets just keep on this note though.
Another person who I know has been mentioned more than once is Debi. Oh, where would I be without Debi? Uh, well we just won't go there. She is always there for me. I can't express how grateful I am for her. She keeps me going.
I'm rather stressed. Not easily distracted. Know that either I will get a phone call tomorrow or they will… I'm ready to know. I'm ready to sleep. I'm just ready. Ready ready.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
(I can feel a migraine coming on so this may be cut short.)
I went to a routine check up with my Rheumatologist yesterday. I'm supposed to go once a year, I went once... three years ago. So they get a checking, my pulse was high. BP low. Alright. They get a feeling around. Neck, shoulders. "Hmm, I think you have an enlarged thyroid." Alright now big deal that can be fixed. They get a listening to my lungs and find that I have NO breath sounds in my lower lungs. Hmm. Alright. That mixed with fast heart rate... They order an EKG. They do it. The Dr comes back in. "Well the results from that look.... Alright... So we are gonna do an echocardiogram" Uh, excuse me that makes no sense. Well. You see they thing because of my decreased lung function my heart has had to work a lot hard causing it to become enlarged. Not a good thing. So I have a slew of blood test done. 14 10cc tubes to be exact! (I'm pretty sure that was close to all I had!) And an xray. Then I had the echo. The tech was not very good at not giving away that there was some kind of a problem. SHe'd be talking then suddenly become silent her eyes would go big and she would take a million pictures of the same thing and listen to the rhythm and all that. But she was just a tech and not allowed to say what she was seeing.
Now I sit and play the waiting game. Wait. Wait. Wait.
I hate this.