Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Right.... Words?

Me. I'm not one of many words. I can go hours just sitting and listening to the world around me, not making a sound. Some people don't understand this about me. Well most people don't understand it. But I don't know how to change it. I don't like to talk. To anyone about anything. I do sometimes talk a lot, when I'm upset and trying to cover it up. It doesn't always work. Being in the hospital so much has made this a lot worse. I didn't have to talk. I didn't want to talk. But now that its all over, I need to talk. But it hurts. Physically hurts me to talk about everything I've been through. But keeping it in is doing a lot of damage. I'm developing fears. Fears of everything. Germs, cars, people, work. Very irrational fears. My anxiety level is way too high. I zone in and out of life. I don't remember a whole conversation. When people are talking to me, doesn't matter what about, usually they say something that reminds me of the horrible times I had in the hospital and if I stay in the moment I would probably have a melt down. That wouldn't be good. I feel bad that I don't listen to what they're saying but I can't seem to focus on them. I work very hard every second of everyday to hold myself together. When I feel myself starting to fall apart I crawl back inside myself and hold on to whatever I can. I seriously feel like I'm going crazy. I feel so alone. I keep telling myself that I'm not alone that there are people all around wanting to help me. But it doesn't help. I still feel like no one cares and I'm going through this by myself. That fight that I knew me and my mother were gonna have, well it waited tell Friday night. It was an awful fight. 3+ hours... About every little thing that has been bugging her for the last year. For most of it I just sat and cried. I don't very often cry. But this weekend it has been something I've done often. I don't like it. Back to the fight, well she says she's frustrated because she doesn't understand what I'm going through, or know what I need. Well guess what. I'm frustrated with that too. Most of the time I don't understand what I'm feeling or what I need how am I supposed to tell other people what I need? Sometimes all I need is a hug. To feel someones tight grip around me makes me feel less likely to fall into pieces. At other times I need someone to tell me that my life is worth living. That the would miss me if I were to kill myself. But how do I communicate these needs to others? How do I the person of so few words teach myself to say "hey I'm not feeling real great and just need a hug" or "I'm not feeling that my life is worth living right now could you talk me through this?" Honestly I don't think I'll ever be to the point where I'll be able to say that. It's just not who I am. *Gabby


Kellee said...

Hugs Hugs Hugs!!!

Nicole said...

U SAID IT. just now. ask your mom to read your blog...
you arent alone. I would miss you if you were gone.