Thursday, September 17, 2009

Just a little

Hurt, confused, humble. Just a little sad. Just a little though. If a little is when you have to stop and ponder life, wondering what the point of it really is. I don't think that's just a little. I think its just ALOT. Honestly I just spent the last hour and a half silently sobbing on the drive home from the Doctor. It had nothing to do with the Doctor. That visit went great. I had to do with the fight I had with my mom and the harsh word she decided to stab me with. Why? Because I was upset because we made a trip to the city and I needed to go get a new computer and she didn't make time for it. I wasn't really upset with her even. Just upset. As anyone would be if they had the money set aside to buy a new computer and the only time they had to do it the didn't get to because some one else decided something else was more important. So we are in the car, getting back on the freeway, she is going off about me being in a bad mood, I'm sitting back just taking it because I really don't want to fight with her. I say "you would be just as upset if it were you. You would have already made time to get a new computer." She starts crying and gets mad at me saying how rude it was to say that. Uhm... Sorry. I didn't mean to be rude just stating the facts. Then she says"I've spent the last year and a half taking care of you doing everything you needed and this is how you treat me?" UHM now all the crap that has happened is suddenly my fault. Because you know I could control it. Oh and I just loved being so sick I couldn't even shower myself. That was just the best days of my life. And watching as everyone around me worries themselves sick over whats gonna happen next. It just makes me feel so nice and warm inside. NOT Its not enough that this last year has been HELL watching her hurt so much over everything I've been through is also HELL, seeing how its put mine and her lives in pieces, feeling like CRAP 95% of the time. No, that's not enough. I haven't been through enough. She has to put it all on me. Somehow it has to be my fault. The saddest part is, maybe shes right maybe all the HELL I've gone through and put everyone else through is my fault. Right now. Right now I feel horrid. Later, I'm still gonna feel horrid. No matter what she says now, she can never take those words back and I'm forever gonna feel bad for putting her through HELL. I just stopped talking to her in the car. SO now that we're away from the boys, there will probably be a bigger fight. It won't help either one of feel better, I will say things I regret. She will say things that hurt me. And we'll both go to bed upset. Sounds wonderful. NOT. *Gabby

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