Listening

Sit quietly and listen. What do you hear? I hear my family eating dinner. Me typing on the keyboard. My mom clicking her mouse. Sounds, are more then just sounds. Every sound you hear is special, it means you're still alive. That's a good thing.

When I was in the hospital, there were a lot of sounds. Beeping, crying, screaming, breathing. All the time there were sounds. These sounds were actually comforting to me. It meant I was still alive, still able to be woken up. There are many nights, well memories of nights in the hospital that touched me. I would love to share some of them. But I just am not sure how. I don't know if it will hurt too much to do so.

I have the same nightmare I talked about here= http://gabbyswords.blogspot.com/2009/12/nights-like-this.html Except I'm alone. I wake up crying instead of screaming. It's pretty horrible. I hate to cry, I hate to cry alone.But in the middle of the night, I don't know what to do. My mom has to be up for work. I would feel bad waking her up. There's not really anyone else to go to. So I just lay there and cry, sometimes for hours. I don't want pity. I want you to know how real all of this still is for me. How much it still effects my everyday life.

It's been awhile since I talked about my PTSD. I guess I was hoping that if I just ignored it. It would go away. It got better for a little while. But now it's much worse again. I don't really understand it. Well I do but not in the sense that I know what's going on with my brain, just why it going on. I can't really explain it.

I'm downloading a bunch of music to my Ipod. But I think I'm gonna stop and go to bed. I have to work tomorrow and am super tired. Didn't get my nap today!*Gabby