Monday, December 14, 2009

This Is, What This Is.

Tonight. I'm not feeling as great emotionally as I was earlier. But still okay. I need to get a few things out in the open. I'm not really sure how, so I'm just jumping in. If this makes absolutely no sense to you, it has nothing to do with you. But for you who this is meant for, please just listen, I don't want a discussion later. I just want this out in the open.

You say "Love like you've never been hurt" well I can't do that. I have been hurt, deeply. It's not something that just goes away. I can't and won't pretend it never happened. It's part of me, I may not like it, but I accept it. I need you to accept it too. So that maybe, one day, if I do fall into love with you, you can accept me as I come. Because it's not going to change. I'm sorry. But I have to be honest, the likelihood of me falling in love seems slim. But I will try non-the-less. Maybe it will be you, maybe it won't. I need you to be ready either way. Because, I don't want to see you get hurt. Honestly I want nothing less in the world then for you to be hurt by me. You don't deserve that. Since I'm being honest, I must say, if you find something better please take it. Don't settle for me. I'm not that great. Trust me. I'm a lot to handle. Emotionally wearing. Don't let me bring you down.

You say you love me, but honey, you don't know me. Really you don't. You may think you have me all figured out, but you don't. Not for lack of trying, for lack of time. SO please stop telling me you do. You're taking all the magic away that should come with those words in the future. You don't love me, you love who you think I am. Please don't think I think you are lying to me, I'm sure you feel something, it's just not love.

You leave soon. I've been there before and it hurts. The chance that you might not come back hurts even now. I know every choice has risks, but this risk feels bigger then others. I don't want to lose you. You can't promise you'll come back, you can't know that. I know you haven't said that. I don't know you well enough to know if you would, but I thought I'd get it out before you had the chance.

Now listen, I don't mean to say it could never happen, because it could. I'm just trying to say, slow down. It makes it more complicated how fast you're moving. I need time. Not time without you. More time with you, getting to know you. Finding our likeness, learning the difference in us. Right now, my thoughts are so confused. Torn really. I don't know what to choose. You can't help me with the choice, please don't try.

Please don't take this the wrong way. It's not meant to hurt you, it's meant to say I need more time, please slow it down.


1 comment:

Nicole said...

when u get farther from the pain, you will love easier. nothing is forever...except our ability to love.