Monday, October 25, 2010

Forgetting to Breathe

(Facebook is down for me. GRR)

Here it goes.

I feel like dirt emotionally. I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm starting to feel numb again. Not completely. Just noticing that something, just don't matter. When maybe they should matter. Yet. I don't want to feel them. Who really wants to feel pain? Not me.

I can be very clinical about this. Really. Mentally I get that this is normal for someone suffering from PTSD. That this back and forth will go on for quite sometime, and it's completely normal. Other people deal with the exact same thing. It's okay to feel this way. It will get better.

See. I can be clinical.

But. Truthfully. That's not how I'm feeling.

I feel like I'm going crazy… Mental really. The lawsuit is coming to the end stages. I should be fine by now. I shouldn't be sleeping less than 12 hours a week. I shouldn't be waking up screaming when I do sleep. I shouldn't be living in irrational fear. I should be past this point. Why am I not past this point?

Only being able to see my Psychologist about every 6 weeks. It doesn't help. Yes, I could find one here in town. Will I? No. Before coming to college I was barely at the point of talking freely. Not because I don't feel comfortable with my specific Psychologist. Because I don't feel comfortable sharing. Much of anything. With hardly anyone. Not one person here in RS knows anything about my PTSD. Very few people back home know about it. How do you tell someone you're mental? It's not easy.

I'm going away a lot. Just hiding within myself. At things. I thought I was over. Like his name. Talking about PTSD in general. Not my specific case. Just that it exists. Talking about anything I've experienced. I just crawl inside and hide. It's all getting worse. The flashbacks the nightmares. Triggers. Numbness. Falling. . . . It's killing me to write this post.

Honestly. I'm a very picky person. Especially when it comes to friends. I don't like being around people who swear. So when It's my choice. I'm not. Most College aged people swear. Like sailors. That's not my bowl of soup. SO, I don't have many friends here. And by that, I mean I have one friend. She's great. She does however swear. But we've known each other for years. Not been close. But not enemies. She knows I hate swearing. SO when she does she apologizes. Which is good. But. It gets lonely here. Very lonely. I'm alone a lot. My day goes something like this.

Get up

Go to class

Eat lunch

Go to room

Hang out either in room or commons until time for work.

Go to work.

Go back to room.

Do homework or whatever until roomie comes back and wants to sleep

Do it all over again

With adding a night class Tuesday & Thursday

Really living right?

I'm so lonely. Yet there are very few people I even want to talk to. I feel guilty for talking. I have nothing good to say. Nobody wants to hear it. But I'm falling. Hitting the bottoms gonna hurt. It's not the first time. But this time I feel like I'm doing it alone. There's always been people around or just a text away. Yet, lately I feel completely cut off. The times I do get to talk to someone. I feel like everything comes out wrong. Like I'm broken. For some reason I can't say exactly what the problem is. Do I know what the problem is? Is there just one problem? No. It's a whole mess. I feel overwhelmed. So overwhelmed. I'm drowning here. Nobody is around to care.

My best friend is no longer my best friend. He doesn't even care. He's more interested in making people believe he's gay. When everybody can tell he isn't. When you truly believe you are homosexual. You don't have to try to be. It just comes. He seems like he is working so hard at it. Like he is trying to convince himself

Let me address this a little more. Homosexuality is wrong. Plain and simple. But so is lying. In Gods eyes the two sins are equal, all sins are equal. Who am I to judge or look down upon him for it when I struggle with my own problems? That's my take on it.

It doesn't hurt me that he is with him, not me. It hurts me that he is letting it come between us. I'm trying so hard to show him I'm okay with it. I just want him to be happy. Yet he is putting a wedge between us. It's killing me.

Such is life. This too shall pass. But right now. It hurts. Really bad.

So If you can't tell. I'm not okay. I'm broken. In pain. Falling. Alone. No one here to catch me, bring me back.

Great. I just love College.




Hadassah said...

Praying for you! And hoping that your being able to blog about things will somehow help take the place of having someone in "real-life" to talk to.

Kellee said...

FB me girly I miss ya!!

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you!

Sharee said...

I don't know you Ga5bby, but there are three things you need to know. (1) I saw your post on another site, so figured I'd come over to see about you, miss Ga5bbs! Psychologists are one thing, but I want you to look up EMDR. This stuff really works ... girl, you don't even have to tell the whole story of what happened ... you just need to be able to get a mental image of what happened. (2) I don't have to know you to care about what happens to you. I care. I've only gotten to know you through your incredibly creative writing so far...but you're hurting and human and that's the only qualification needed for me to start caring! (3) When no one picks up the phone when you call, when you are miles from the next friendly face, hours from the next loving hug ... Jesus hears you, loves you and is but a thought away. You matter to us both.