Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Checking... Out?

I feel like I've been kinda checked out of life lately. Probably because I really have been. Not on the major lock myself in a room and not speak to anyone level. But definitely on the keep mainly to myself and only leave when it is necessary. I have seriously only left my house for Church. To see a dear friend in the hospital(more to come) and for swimming lessons. And of course the Dr. Because that is a given. I don't remember the last full week I didn't see the Dr. Sad right there. So I guess I am getting out. But I still feel checked out even when I'm moving about, living life. I try not to talk to people much. Mainly because I'm super sensitive lately to the don't walk into the room wrong because Gabby just might burst into tears level. It's bad. I could say I don't know what's causing it. But I probably do. You can only put so much into one thing before something has to come out. I have been very good about numbing my emotions for the last few months because I just don't have the time to deal with them. But, Im not letting much of this mess inside of me out at all. Even less so in the past few weeks of hiding. Therefore I have set myself up for a major meltdown state for a few weeks. I will level back out I think. I hope. I dream(not really because I haven't been sleeping much. It just sounded nice.) 

I really need to just stay away from hospitals. Which means everyone I know has to do the same. I went and saw a friend who was having a tumor removed yesterday, She was in surgery still when we got there. So we sat with the family for a bit, I handled that well. Had to keep my distance emotionally but I did good. Then came the visiting in the ICU. I handled that, understandably. I couldn't bring myself to get very close, peeked at her incision and that was about it. Not sure she even really knew I was there. Then came time to leave. Which I was more than ready to do. My friend T kept asking me if I was going to say goodbye. I nicely declined. Which only made me look super rude when it was pointed out that I wasn't being personal. I couldn't do it though. For someone who has never been through any of that, it is a whole lot easier to watch. I could feel the pain. The smells. The sounds. It all was overwhelming. I held it together. Until I got home. Alone. Where I don't have to be strong for everyone else. Where I can just be me. At 3am. When no one else needs me. I can just be.

I more time to just be me. Not who everyone else needs or wants me to be. Just simply me. What is so wrong with me just being Gabby? 

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