Sunday, April 29, 2012

i am not.

I am not your typical 20 year old. I have not had your typical life. I have not overcome typical trials. There is nothing typical about me. From my head to my feet I am different. I have scars. Oh do I have scars. Inside and out. Wounds might heal. But the scars are still there. I still have trouble with the scars on my stomach. They hurt when I move certain ways. Still now, 3 years later. They hurt. The scars inside me never stay scars for long. They tend to get ripped open often. 
Honestly, I've been struggling a lot lately. I feel so alone. Even when I'm around people. I feel quite a bit of the time completely invisible. I don't feel like what I have to say/ my opinion ever matters. I don't feel like anyone really cares if I'm around or not. So I just stay home. I work and go to Church. Other than that I'm alone. In my room. I don't like people to see me upset. I hate for anyone to see me cry. Lately I've been crying a lot. Which totally isn't typical for me. I honestly don't know how to get out of this rut. I feel like I'm in a pothole and everyone is piling dirt in on top of me. Well not everyone. But most people. I just can't take it any longer. But where would I go? If I just left. If I leave this all behind. If I just get in my cart and drive. Where would I end up? Who would still be there if I stopped putting forth the effort to have them around. Who would even care if I just disappeared. Became somebody else. Had a new life with new people. 
Don't get me wrong I love the people in my life. But I'm tired. Tired of only talking to anyone when I start the conversation. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of going to the Doctor alone. I'm just tired. I can't carry on like this. I don't need to be the center of anyones life. But I need to matter somewhere. I need to be able to be me. Not who everyone else wants me to be. I need to be real. I need to be free. I need to live and learn. I need to experience life. Not to a crazy extent. But to an extent that I'm not alone, all of the time. Maybe have the person I talk to most not be 3 months old. I just want to be loved for me. Not what I can do. Not who I could be. Just me. 
Now, because I know this is probably going thru a few minds. Yes, I know Jesus loves me more than I could ever fathom and HE is the only thing keeping me going. However, we were not made to be alone. God made Adam because He was lonely. Gad made Eve because Adam was lonely. God understands that we as humans need each other. We need that encouragement. We need to know that we aren't alone. We need to feel the love of each other. There has been so much going  on with other people lately that I haven't wanted to say anything to anyone. I don't want to look like I'm just fishing for attention. Because that really isn't it. If you have to ask for attention, it isn't affectionate. It isn't real. Like it's said, "If you have to tell people you're cool, you aren't cool." same goes with mattering. If you have to tell people you matter, you really don't matter. 
This is my blog. This is where I used to pour out my heart. I stopped because I was afraid of who might read and what people might think. I feel like a soda bottle all shook up and about  to explode. I can't handle things right now. I'm a mess. I can't do this alone. But I'm not asking anyone to stand by me because I don't even want to be around me right now. I wouldn't expect you to. 

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