Monday, April 23, 2012

I did.

My Father let when I was 4. I didn't see him again until I was 13. and have not seen him since then. I've talked to him more in the last year than I have my entire life. I have some "Daddy issues". Having him have left me before causes me stress when weeks go by that he doesn't call. He doesn't answer. This happens every few months. Truth be told, we are both new at this and not very good. But, I love him. I need him. He is my Daddy.  So I've just tried to deal with it. It never went more than 4 week without a call. I was alright, well I managed. Until recently. We hit the 8 week mark. I had called and left multiple messages. I didn't know what else to do. Did I do something? Say something? Was it me? All the feelings that I've felt so many times before as a little girl came flooding back. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I was in tears. I called. I'm not even sure what all I said in the message I left on her** phone. But, he called back that night. SO it must have really been my heart. And then I told him that I couldn't handle it. I needed him to be here consistently. I need to hear his voice. I need him. He was quite. He told me he was never leaving me again. Ever. He told me he loved me. That it was her not letting him use her phone that was keeping him from calling while they are out on the road. Good excuse? No. But it was at least honest. But I needed to hear him say all that. Am I completely convinced? No. Not yet. But that will take time. Deep wounds don't heal overnight and scars never go away. But, it was good to unload all of that on the person who had caused the feelings. Instead of keeping it all bound up inside of me.
And this was only one of the many emotional days I have had lately. I said what I've been holding all my life.
I did.
**Her as in the girlfriend.

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