Monday, March 16, 2009

Random thoughts.

1st off I wanted to say that I'm getting my tube removed tomorrow. Because of the type of tube it is they will have to put me under to do this. We have to be there at 11:30, they'll probably take me back about noon so please pray that all goes well. Hopefully before that we will have time to go up to the 3rd floor and see all the wonderful nurses. As happy as I am that I'm not in the hospital I still miss the nurses. Okay moving on. I've been kinda down lately, and I don't really know why. I usually can find some reason to be happy and while I can find these reasons I just can't make myself happy. In all honesty I just feel forgotten. At Church I was a big part of the youth group before I became sick. Now I often feel like there's no reaso for me to even be there. I'm no longer needed, and nobody really knows what to say to me... When in all reality I don't want to talk about all I've been through. Well no thats not true, I do want to talk about it, I just don't want to make anyone feel bad because hardly anyone was there for me. I don't know if that is what the problem is, that they feel sort of guilty that I almost died more then once and they didn't take the time to stop by. I know it hard for some people to go to hospitals, but I also know that I'd do anything for the people I love. Being in the hspital chnged me in so many ways that I don't feel like me anymore and if I'm not me where do I belong? I don't have most of my friends anymore, I don't have my place at Church, I don't have my place at home. Where do I have a place? I know this won't last forever and that God is always with me, and that it could be so much worse. But right now its hard for me, my life wasn't waiting for me to come back to it and I can't find it. I'm not the person to show a lot of emotion. Mainly because I don't want anyone to know me. But I'm to the point where I can't just keep it all inside anymore and there's no one here to listen. Thats the crappiest feeling, knowing that theres no one I can call with my problems but there's many people that expect me to listen to theirs. Everyone has there own hard times or trails in life and no ones is any lesser the next persons. And really I feel bad for feeling this way because there are people going through so much more things then me and they still smile. But I can't I just can't.

1 comment:

Nicole said...

Why dont you want people to know you?