Splash Of Words.

You know, over the last year I've learned so much. I've developed a relationship with God that I never knew existed. I would never want to give it up. There is nothing more valuable than that. But does that make all I've lost in the process any less painful? No. It hurts every day how much my family doesn't like me anymore. I miss the relationship I had with my mom. I miss my mom. I miss knowing how much she cared about me. It breaks my heart to think that for some reason that decreased when I chose God. At 20 there is no time you need your mom more. Especially with everything I'm facing. And it hurts to be so alone in that part of this. It really hurts. Every time I look into the face of the new baby I nanny. His precious. Innocent face. It breaks my heart. I might never get that. I will probably never get that. That experience is another thing that has been robbed from me. ANd only God can change it. I've only been able to hold the new baby a few times because it hurts me so much. And not many people understand it. My mother makes that pain about her. Like somehow it could hurt her more than it hurts me. 


I've learned so much about me. I've learned just how strong I am NOT. I fail God daily. I oh too often forget that all I have to do is call on HIS name and HE will fight for me, HE wants to fight for me. My way never works. HIS way always will. But I'm human. And I'm stubborn. So I forget. 


I've learned that most people don't stick around for long. As soon as they really get to know me. They run. Like there is something wrong with me. I'm not perfect. I know it. Oh, how deeply I know it. But, sometimes people don't even have to say it to let me know how worthless they think I am. How much I don't mean to them because I don't fit in the perfect mold that they expected. 


I've learned I can only depend on God. I can't even depend on myself anymore. I will only let myself down. I am my own worst enemy. My own worst critic. My own worst fear. I hide my pain with sarcasm. I don't like to let others see me hurt. I'm one of the most sensitive people on the planet. And you would never know it just be spending time with me. I might have a smile on my face 95% of the time. But on the inside I'm crying. I'm damaged goods. God is still working on me. I'm still learning to let Him heal me. 


My best friend has jumped ship. It hurts. Oh. It hurts. In a world like mine, losing someone like that is hard. Yeah, she might come back around. But it will never be the same. She has moved on. She has found a guy and that is all she cares about. She didn't even tell me. Because she didn't want to "hurt my feelings" Uh... well it wouldn't have. But not telling me most definitely did. Of course there were other things that happened. I finally just had to stop. I fought for the friendship for so long. And I couldn't do it any longer. It's not a friendship if only one side is putting in the effort and that is what it became. Anytime I would try to mend it. It would become a massive fight and I'd end up hurt even more. I miss her like crazy. I don't know what to do. 


I've never felt more alone in my life. 
I can't scream that I need help any louder. I don't think I have the energy to scream anymore at all. 


I'm tired of opening up to people to have them be too busy when I really need them. I can't take anymore. I'm on such an emotional roller coaster that I don't know if it's ever going to stop or even slow down. I'm getting tired though. Really tired. I'm already falling to pieces. I'm trying to get back up, but then somebody shoves me back down. 


I'm tired of never belonging. Never really fitting in. Never being understood. Always feeling invisible. Everywhere I go this is how things are. I'm tired of being made to feel worthless. Like there is always something more important. Sometimes things are more important. But other times. All I really need is to know that I really am loved. Because I don't always feel it. Especially right now. 


I'm going to try and start posting more... I know I've said it before. I have so much I need to put on here. I'm just having an extremely hard time with most of it. But, I will get there. Even if i can just start with once a week. And then slowly move back up to where I was. Because it's most definitely not because I don't have things to talk about. I just don't always know how to say them or how much to share. But, I'm done being superficial. I'm going to be real. Here like I always have been and everywhere else. Because I shouldn't have to be someone else to be loved. I shouldn't have to. 


This song has been playing in my head for a few days. 
When the stars came crashing down
In tiny pieces to the ground
I was all alone down here
Trapped beneath the atmosphere
Then I, thought somebody called my name
I spun around and caught a flame
I gave into a God I didn't know
And now everything is falling into place
A brand new life is calling and I owe it all to grace

It's so much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone to see
When we sttumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa

When a heart is cold as ice
You can't melt it with advice
No one wants to listen to
A list of things they shouldn't do
So I build a city on a hill
And I light a candle on the sill
Knowing you'll be always knocking at the door
Oh God I just want to love on everyone
All I have is yours to give so let the people come

It's so much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone to see
When we stumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light

that makes the shadows hide
the light that breaks the curse of pride
the light that takes the weary in it's arms

When it all came crashing down
There was only darkness all around
But in the distance I could see
A Flame

It's So much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone, and I mean everyone to see
When we stumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light!!

Three Years.

This is me, Three years ago today. 

Three years ago tonight I lay in the PICU after having major surgery with tubes coming out of every part of my body. 

Three years ago my mother and family spent the entire day in a waiting room wondering what would happen. Waiting for those updates that were few and far between. 

Three years ago my mother sat with the amazing surgeon after he had finished and learned of all the damage that was inside of me. 

Three years ago today, I guess you could say it all finally sunk in. 

It all hit.

We knew for certain. 

Three years ago today, my stomach was fixed to the best it would ever be again. 

Three years since I lay in that room with that little boy. He was around two years old I believe. His parents were not there. They didn't expect him to make it much longer. Yet, he fought on. He still tried. The beeping from all the machines was strangely comforting, I had never shared a hospital room before. The PICU nurse was great. He would ask me questions about doing all the different procedures that had to be done on me. Not because he didn't know, or because I did know. Just to keep me distracted. To be involved. 

To have a relationship other than on the skin. 

I was transfered to the floor shortly after. The little boy died the same night. And well. I can't help but wonder; was he alone? DId he have to spend his last moments alone? It saddens my heart. I am happy he is no longer in pain. 

I think of that little boy often. 

I wonder if I learned what he was teaching or if I just put him in my memory and grabbed the obvious lesson? 

I've made it three years now. 

Here's to 3x25 more! 

Stop.

Well. Sorry. I feel like that's how I start every post these days. And really, I do mean to blog. I want to blog. I probably even need to blog. I just don't. I let others things get in the way. I get overwhelmed at the thought of how much to share on here. Because I don't want it to be sad here. I don't want a pity party. Ever. I just want to have my space here. Where I am free to be me. Free to say what I want. Because I don't have that place anywhere else. Yet I feel like that isn't possible with everything that is going on. It feels like I have no control. I want some form of control. Something to hold on to. I have that in Jesus. And then I have to deal with the people who tell me I'm wrong. They act like I'm in some kind of cult. Like I've been brainwashed. Which isn't true. I'm not stupid. I can recognize when something is wrong. ANd this. This is not. But, everyone here bringing me down. Has really pulled me down lately. I feel like most of the people in this town are against me. Like they are just waiting for me to fall. For me to fail. especially my family. It's the worst feeling ever. To know that they don't have my back no matter what. They have my back when I am who they think I should be. When I do what they want. Not when i have a mind of my own. And that is not okay with me. Okay? It's not okay with me for people to treat me like dirt. I am not dirt! I matter, too!! There is nothing wrong with me following Jesus and the Bible. Nothing at all. Actually it's the opposite. I know. People get jealous. People throw rocks at things that shine. Maybe they don't really mean to hurt me. But, they do. Every day, they hurt me. Every day, it hurts deeper. And every day, I stay. I don't cut those blood lines. I don't walk away from this family who doesn't approve of me. Why? Because they are family.... Which isn't a reason at all. It's not okay for anyone to put anyone through this. But I am letting my family just because they are family. They have made wounds that will never completely heal towards them. ANd every time I see them the get ripped back open. It hurts more each time. I don't need their approval, I want it. I want their love. I want the family. I'm selfish like that. I want them to love me for me. I don't need to be told it will pass. Because it might not. Nobody knows. If I can't sit here and take it till it does, if it does, well that will be good. If it doesn't, and I end up walking away. Well. I don't have a plan for that just yet. But until then I need it to just stop. I need space to not have to be stressed about it all the time. I need my space for a moment. Please. Stop. 
Sorry. My posts lately have no purpose. No theme towards what should be written this time of year. I'll get there. Eventually.
 I need to know who is still here with me? Who is standing here by me when the rest seem to turn the other way? Who still cares? 

Lets Pretend.

Lets pretend for a little bit that I don't feel completely violated, that I don't feel like I'm the one at fault. That I'm okay. And while we are pretending that. Why don't we also pretend that I had any Christmas spirit at all. Lets pretend that my family likes me. Lets pretend that yesterday wasn't a complete disaster. We can pretend that I'm doing just fine. I'm not completely torn apart on the inside. We can pretend all the comments don't hurt. Why don't we, while we're at it pretend that I care at all... 
What we don't have to pretend is that everything will be fine. That one of these days all the stuff that's stressing me out will be over. We don't have to pretend that there are people that love me for me. They aren't asking me to be someone else. We don't have to pretend that I have found Jesus and my relationship with Him is so amazing and I would never trade it for the world. 


But, sometimes I get tired of pretending and at that point I don't know what to do. Because it's not me to fall apart in front of anyone else. I don't ask for mental support from anyone. I don't often cry in front of anyone. I mean very, very rare of me. So for me to stop pretending is a big deal. I'm known for my smile. No matter what is going on on the inside, I smile. Because I never want anyone to hurt because of me or for me again. I think I've caused enough of that in my lifetime already.


I know. I know. Not a very Christmassy post. But, it's what's on my heart and you really don't want to hear about the day I had yesterday. I got amazing gifts. But, that has nothing to do with Christmas. I do not support it. I am not Peagan. I'm not going to get into it all right now. But, if you are interested research the true origins of Christmas. It's scary stuff people. Scary stuff. 


Well. :) I hope you all had a good weekend and if I'm not back before the New Year have a happy New Year as well! 

Trying...

 I'm not really in a bloggu mood but I have to give my mother back her computer bright and early so I have nno choice but to blog tonight if I want to be able to at all. So bear with me.
I'm having some friend troubles. I have friends, but not many of those friend who care past the convenient point. I'm not just a convenient type of person. I've always been told to be the friend you want to have. And really I stink at being a friend sometimes. But I always get off my high horse and apologize when I realize how crappy I've been.  This particular friend and I get along smashingly. But when I need her she tends to flake out on my with out a second thought a lot of the time. If I say I will help someone when I get off work at 6pm I will go help them when I get off work at 6pm. Not ignore them until 11pm when I text and say I needed some me time. Not that me time isn't important of course. But word to the wise. If the person you claim to be best friends with is going through a very traumatic time the night before a big event due to the traumaticness is probably not the best time to take me time and not tell them. Just saying. 


I get anal about things being on time. About me being on time. I always want to be on time. Well I think everyone does. I just get frustrated when I'm not. Like bad. Causes panic. And well it just isn't good. So. I have been trying to just let go. To not hold myself so tightly to a schedule that I know will be messed up. However, I have no middle. Either I'm anal about it or I flat out don't care. Which isn't any better. Where do I find a medium? Can I pick one up at the store? 
This song just came on the radio. I've heard it so many times before, but tonight it had new meaning for me. Funny how things do that huh? 



Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget

[Chorus:]
In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I wrestle with my pain, struggle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

[Chorus]

When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause
Cause I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven.- Forgiven By Sanctus Real.


Yep.  After a 30 minute tantrum tonight the kids are asleep and I am so ready for bed I could cry, in fact I might. I'm overstressed, overwhelmed, and overtired. 
Until next time. Gabby


 

Yes I did.

Yes I did stand in line for almost 3 hours to get sheets on black Friday. 

Yes I did forget to take any pictures at all over the holiday. Which included a girls trip :). Nonetheless though, no pictures. 

Yes I did end up drinking more then 1 5 hour energy to keep myself going. Not at the same time. But a few days in a row. I'm still coming back down. 

Yes I did go to one of the best  Church meetings I have ever been to. The power of the Holy Ghost was so strong. It was absolutely amazing. I will never get tired of the feeling when the love of God washes over me and I feel completely at peace.  

Okay, I'm exhausted so I think this will have to be continued another time. I just wanted to let you know I'm still here. :)

Unnecessary Failure.

I was newly 16. Taking my driving test. Did I know how to drive? Yes. I was fine. I was actually a fairly good driver. Still am. But this day I was so nervous. Sitting in the car with the instructor I was about in tears I was so scared. I was shaking. Yeah. It was bad. We made it about halfway through the test when the instructor told me to pull over. Ha, that didn't help the anxiety. She very kindly told me to relax, that she wasn't there to fail me but instead she wanted me to pass. To succeed. That she could see that if I would just relax I would do just fine. But, if I didn't she would have no choice but to fail me. She gave me a second chance. I passed just fine. Ha got a mark for speeding, ha. Had she not slowed me down I would have failed. Just because I was afraid of failing. How much sense does that make? But really how often do we do that to ourselves? We fail for no reason but our own fear. Just something on my mind today. 


I can't believe it's almost Thanksgiving! I'm excited. It's the only time I LOVE leftovers! Yummy Yummy. I'm actually Bringing stuff this year! When you live there it's a bit hard to bring something and be helpful at the same time. I'm doing the Deviled Eggs(which I do every year anyways) I'm doing the Relish Tray... Lots of cooking involved there... And a Strawberry Jello Casserole the my Great Aunt used to make.  It's so yummy. So not a lot of cooking involved but it will still be fun! And then my in town Bestie and I will head to Utah for the night and do black Friday! It will be so much fun! I'm so excited!! And then to Idaho for a Church conference. It's awesome! 


Then right after Christmas we are going to Tuscon Arizona for another Conference. I'm pretty excited over here. It might only be in the 60's and raining BUT that's better than the below 0's. :) 


Well, I've had a kidney stone for 2 weeks. I'm miserable from it. But life doesn't slow down so neither do I! Hopefully it will pass soon because I refuse to be in the hospital. REFUSE! 


Okay. My computer is broke so I'm blogging from my moms netbook that she's letting me borrow.I will try to write again later. The 3 year old keeps me busy though. 


What are you all thankful for? I'm going to write a thankful post here shortly. 
*Gabby