I've learned so much about me. I've learned just how strong I am NOT. I fail God daily. I oh too often forget that all I have to do is call on HIS name and HE will fight for me, HE wants to fight for me. My way never works. HIS way always will. But I'm human. And I'm stubborn. So I forget.
I've learned that most people don't stick around for long. As soon as they really get to know me. They run. Like there is something wrong with me. I'm not perfect. I know it. Oh, how deeply I know it. But, sometimes people don't even have to say it to let me know how worthless they think I am. How much I don't mean to them because I don't fit in the perfect mold that they expected.
I've learned I can only depend on God. I can't even depend on myself anymore. I will only let myself down. I am my own worst enemy. My own worst critic. My own worst fear. I hide my pain with sarcasm. I don't like to let others see me hurt. I'm one of the most sensitive people on the planet. And you would never know it just be spending time with me. I might have a smile on my face 95% of the time. But on the inside I'm crying. I'm damaged goods. God is still working on me. I'm still learning to let Him heal me.
My best friend has jumped ship. It hurts. Oh. It hurts. In a world like mine, losing someone like that is hard. Yeah, she might come back around. But it will never be the same. She has moved on. She has found a guy and that is all she cares about. She didn't even tell me. Because she didn't want to "hurt my feelings" Uh... well it wouldn't have. But not telling me most definitely did. Of course there were other things that happened. I finally just had to stop. I fought for the friendship for so long. And I couldn't do it any longer. It's not a friendship if only one side is putting in the effort and that is what it became. Anytime I would try to mend it. It would become a massive fight and I'd end up hurt even more. I miss her like crazy. I don't know what to do.
I've never felt more alone in my life.
I can't scream that I need help any louder. I don't think I have the energy to scream anymore at all.
I'm tired of opening up to people to have them be too busy when I really need them. I can't take anymore. I'm on such an emotional roller coaster that I don't know if it's ever going to stop or even slow down. I'm getting tired though. Really tired. I'm already falling to pieces. I'm trying to get back up, but then somebody shoves me back down.
I'm tired of never belonging. Never really fitting in. Never being understood. Always feeling invisible. Everywhere I go this is how things are. I'm tired of being made to feel worthless. Like there is always something more important. Sometimes things are more important. But other times. All I really need is to know that I really am loved. Because I don't always feel it. Especially right now.
I'm going to try and start posting more... I know I've said it before. I have so much I need to put on here. I'm just having an extremely hard time with most of it. But, I will get there. Even if i can just start with once a week. And then slowly move back up to where I was. Because it's most definitely not because I don't have things to talk about. I just don't always know how to say them or how much to share. But, I'm done being superficial. I'm going to be real. Here like I always have been and everywhere else. Because I shouldn't have to be someone else to be loved. I shouldn't have to.
This song has been playing in my head for a few days.
When the stars came crashing down
In tiny pieces to the ground
I was all alone down here
Trapped beneath the atmosphere
Then I, thought somebody called my name
I spun around and caught a flame
I gave into a God I didn't know
And now everything is falling into place
A brand new life is calling and I owe it all to grace
It's so much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone to see
When we sttumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
When a heart is cold as ice
You can't melt it with advice
No one wants to listen to
A list of things they shouldn't do
So I build a city on a hill
And I light a candle on the sill
Knowing you'll be always knocking at the door
Oh God I just want to love on everyone
All I have is yours to give so let the people come
It's so much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone to see
When we stumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
that makes the shadows hide
the light that breaks the curse of pride
the light that takes the weary in it's arms
When it all came crashing down
There was only darkness all around
But in the distance I could see
A Flame
It's So much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone, and I mean everyone to see
When we stumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light!!
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