They maybe aren't as easy as some people seem to think.
They might not matter to everyone, but they need to matter to me.
I'm all about fighting for you. I will stand behind someone through just about anything. But I lost that zeal towards my own problems awhile back. I need to find that again. It's not that I think that they are so hard there is no possible way through them. Because I know, I really do know that everything is only going to make me stronger in the end . I just am so completely overwhelmed right now that I can't even think straight. As somebody very wise put it today, I am dangerously close to my breaking point. I hardly said anything about the mess I feel inside. And she can see how close I am. I'm not the type of person to share my feelings. I'm not someone who cries much especially not in front of other people. But lately, it's been water work central over here in my brain. Which only gets me annoyed with myself.
I can't fix the world. I can try but I will only end up frustrated out of my skull. Like I always am finding myself, I never learn. I can't change the past. I might want to. I might fantasize on what things might look like if I could. Where would I be today? What things would be different in my life. And it's honestly a scary thought for me. There are so many people in my life that wouldn't be there had I not gone through all the stuff that I went through. But I Can't honestly say that it makes it all hunky doory. I get frustrated with myself so easily. I feel like sometimes that's all I do. I hate that I don't rationally deal with things all the time. That because I now know all these great people I should somehow find a way to be okay with all he did. But at the same time, I know that that isn't how the brain works. You can't just write off a trauma. But still I find myself frustrated.
The mess of emotions going on inside of my body right now is seriously ridiculous. I half the time don't know how to express what I'm feeling. I all the time am on the edge of sobbing. I feel like I have to hold myself together so tightly because if I let one piece slip I'm going to fall into a puddle of goo. Worthless goo. I really don't want to have to try to clean up that mess. SO Instead I hold myself together and become this mold of worthless goo because I'm so on edge that I know I can't be helpful to anyone. Yes, I can cook. I can clean. I can hold the baby. Take the dog outside and feel around her stomach find her bladder and make her pee(no joke there, long story). But I really don't feel helpful. No one will remember those things when I'm gone. No one looks up to me wanting to be this robot I'm becoming. I want to inspire people, not bring a dark cloud into the room. Which is what I feel like I do.
I feel like the weakest person on the planet. There is so much that I'm afraid of. I feel good when I can make it through a 5 minute trip to the store without a panic attack. And then I look and see everything everyone else handles and they seem to handle it with such a good spirit. Yeah they might have moments. But it's not an every moment mess. I'm tired of my every moment mess. I'm tired of having to remember to smile. I hate having to work myself up to do the things that should just be a natural part of life. Like I said. I'm always frustrated with myself.
I don't so much feel like I have to prove to the world that I am strong. More so I feel like I need to prove it to myself. Like I have to convince myself. Just like I work so had to make myself believe I'm not angry. Or sad. I don't want to be those things, so I'm not gonna believe it. I want to be strong. So I'm gonna do things that may just tear me to shreds inside just because I want to be a stronger person. And sometimes, I think I do them just to feel something. Like today, I honestly did not expect myself to have that strong of a reaction. I did not expect to end up sobbing needing L to bring me back to earth. I thought I could get through it again, that even though I knew it was going to hurt me I could do it. But, I couldn't. If I'm completely honest, (which I usually am because I really stink at lying) it took me a good 30+ minutes of sitting on the floor only listening to the video before I finally let myself go to L. His stupid face panics me. His stupid voice panics me. Everything about him just panics me. I'm fed up with myself for that.
I think that sometimes if I took myself out of the equation that I would do a lot better, like when told to "take a deep breath" I not only immediately get triggered I get mad at myself for it so then it takes me even longer to pull myself out of it.
I am currently in this boat without a paddle. Because everytime I either catch up to my paddle or find a new one something happens or somebody(myself included) takes it and throws the silly thing. But, I'm lucky enough to have a few marvelous people willing to jump in next to me and paddle for me. Just until I get my paddle again.
See I'm not all dark and scary.
I think the best way to describe me right now is:
Every one starts out a blank sheet of paper, though I think I was more of a coloring page, probably a zebra or a bunny... Maybe a dinosaur. Well on my page instead of the normal life colorings it's like a permanent marker was taken an used to scribble all over it. And then I was handed off to the other Drs who did their best to reshape the colorings into something that would work again. But you can only color on top, and the damage can't be taken away. It's there. All the time. And it really sucks. But, nevertheless the sooner I go to bed the sooner I can wake to a new day. Even though I already know the nightmares are going to be miserable tonight. Absolutely just miserable. And people wonder why I never sleep. Pst. Though, last nights did start with me making mashed potatoes on the couch with my straightener. It ended with... Uh, well lets not revel just how crazy I am, tonight....
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