As you know, I didn't post on Thanksgiving. Am I not thankful? No, I'm certainly thankful. I actually didn't get on the computer at all that day. It was hard. It was weird. But I did it. Then again Friday. I did get on very early Saturday morning. But didn't feel like posting.
Thanksgiving was great.
Different but great.
Can we just skip Christmas and head right into Summer?
Yeah… Didn't think so.
Life is hard right now.
I'm not gonna pretend to be even close to okay.
Little Jonas passed away last week.
I'm heartbroken.
I've never really met him. Saw him at the hospital once, I think.
But somehow, through his dad, he stole my heart. Jonas that is.
His eyes were so beautifully blue. Magical really.
It really just is heartbreaking.
Over and out.
Ever wonder what I really mean when I say something?
Yeah didn't Figure you did. But thought I'd tell you anyhow.
When I say "I'm fine" I mean "I hurt like crazy, but am too afraid to admit it"
When I say "I'm good" I mean "I've finally masked the pain enough to only feel numb, which is good enough for now."
When I say "How are you?" I'm genuinely interested. For one moment my head might be on something other than the horrors it usually is.
When I say "I'm here" This is a time to worry, as I might not be for long.
When I say "I'm having a hard time" I mean "I can hardly hold myself together anymore, please help me"
When I say "I need to talk" I really do. Even if I seem alright, I'm not okay.
When I say "I'm hurting" it must be really bad, or I never would have said it.
When I smile, it kills me inside. I hate the mask I have to wear.
Okay, I'm having an epic failure of a week. I fell backwards in my chair yesterday and hurt horribly today. Can hardly breathe tonight. Or move really. It's mainly my ribs, lungs, neck that I hurt. Though the rest of me doesn't feel real great either.
Well. She is in the process of moving out. I'm thrilled. With a bit of sadness creeping in. Not because she is leaving, but because now I really will be alone all the time. Really, it sounds great. But I know me. I will spend all my time in the room alone. Because I am comfortable there now. Comfortable isn't always a good thing. Being able to sleep with out fear of waking her up from my screaming, however, sounds like an amazing thing. Not having to here her complain about stupid things. Amazing. Funny thing is, she's moving in with Meghan. Really. Quite funny if you know the story. Not feeling much like sharing it right now though.
I'm having a rough time.
Okay. Confession time.
I really do love the taste of dirt. It really is because of my body lacking in some substance. Maybe not iron. That's just my guess.
My nephew dumped a bag of M&Ms down my shirt tonight. I just looked at him and didn't say a thing. Mainly because he is SO darn CUTE.
I can switch gears, emotionally, in seconds.
I cried today.
I thought I got all the M&Ms out, but one hid from me. Upon standing It moved down my shirt and I bout had a hard attack. Thought it was a spider.
My dog moved his tail. I was amazed for a minute. Until I realized it was a normal thing… Dogs wag their tails…
My hair is still falling out. The test results are not back. I decided I really do love my hair and am still not happy about this. But who would be?
In the last 2 hours I have. Vacuumed and shampooed the carpets. Cleaned and swept the bathroom. Done laundry. Taken a shower. And washed Wookies food and water bowls. It could be that I suddenly wanted to clean. Or that I had a 5 hour energy around 7pm and wasn't ready for bed. I'm seriously in L-O-V-E with those things. I get massive caffeine headaches. Drink half of one of those. Boom, I feel brand new. Within minutes!!
I started the Prolonged Exposure Therapy tonight. It was… Interesting. Very, hard. We will record all of the sessions so I can listen to them during the week. This made me feel slightly awkward. I know I'm the only one ever going to hear it. BUT Still. It was weird.
I've decided to post a lot of what I'm doing/feeling on here. To keep me accountable, and so I remember. If you have any questions ask way. I'll answer what I can.
Okay so every week I will have homework for this therapy. This week's is;
Okay. Truth: I'm emotionally fried. I take everything everyone says the wrong way. "Hey Gabby you sure look pretty" Me:"What was that tone, you think it's funny to tease me? I look awful so shut up and move along." Okay so maybe it hasn't gone quite like that anywhere but my head. But that's what I'm thinking.
My sister took some pictures of me with Little Liam. I look downright awful. I didn't realize how awful until seeing the pictures. My eyes are sunken in and my toothpick arms stick out. My collarbone looks like its ready to cut through my skin.
Humph.
I talked to old Boyfriend the other night. He isn't old. He is my Ex. Not really sure why though. Oh yes, I remember. Because I'm psycho! That's the reason for everything. . . Really.
I really want a pepsi. But it happens to be almost 3am, I'm not wearing pants, or a bra. SO going anywhere is highly out of the question. I will just have to suffer till morning.
I L-O-V-E my mother with all my heart. But she is driving me bananas. She has conversations in her head. But doesn't realize it. SO you are expected to do what she's thinking, without knowing it. Drives me up the wall. But I cleaned the floors and a bundle of other things. She can really find the ground to be upset with me tomorrow. She will though. Though, I don't live her most of the time, so why I'm the one cleaning it is still a mystery.
Oh, my Grandma is coming for Thanksgiving. I couldn't be happier. She is the one who bought me Wookie. Yep. Not that she plays favorites or anything… She sends my siblings Birthday cards.
Okay, that was totally a joke. Sorta… She does dote on me a bit more than the other too-many-to-count grandchildren. But, I am the one who has been sick for years. SO no one, including me, seems to mind. And Wookie wasn't that much. Under $500.00. It's all good. (I'm being sarcastic here. In case you were wondering…)
I fail miserably at a lot of things. Mainly, being social. It's not that I have nothing to input into the conversation. I just lack the skills and confidence of actually applying it. It's something about me that I really despise, yet have no idea how to change.
I'm very hard on myself. Ha, like you didn't already know that right… And well sometimes it just gets to be too much. I overload my plate (I don't eat so this makes sense right?) And no matter how hard I try the food/emotions just keep piling on. It's an endless battle that I'm losing. Once I'm on emotional overload, I shut down. Everything is pointless. No one wants to hear what I have to say (in my head). So it builds up even more. Then comes the depression. Great. We all know what that's like for me. It's a gruesome cycle here. But. I can't change it. I fail…
I actually fell asleep once last week like real sleep. Not just zoning out for the night. It lasted about an hour before I had a freaked out roommate from my screaming. She was nice enough to turn on the light. I came to, super shaken. Lied about why I was screaming. Claiming that I thought there was a huge spider. And the room settled down she went back to bed. I laid awake the remainder of the night, contemplating who, if anyone I should go outside and call. That 1 would actually answer in the middle of the night and 2 Would listen and make me feel better without me feeling silly for calling. I didn't end up calling anyone. Mainly because that person doesn't exist. So I lay there and thought about that stupid nightmare. Over and over again. I physically was in pain. Nightmares. Flashbacks. Dissociation it all stinks. Not literally.
I just took a shower. Is that TMI? Probably. But anyway. On to the point. Have you ever showered in a public shower? Well, there's always a huge glob of hair in the drain. Because no one in their right mind would pick up the germ invested filth. Well. That's what my drain looked like when I was done. Seriously my hair was/is coming out in globs. Now, I will be honest. I don't love hair. Anywhere. I would be perfectly happy being hairless. Yet. It falling out. Kinda scares me. There has to be a reason… Right? Hair doesn't just up and decide to leave. I wonder if I have male pattern baldness. Wait. No it doesn't run in my family. Oh and the small fact that I'm not a male… That is a factor too…
Tomorrow I will wake and go apartment hunting. Doesn't sound so great to me as I have to figure this out by Wednesday. I REALLY do not want to live on campus next semester. Like really, really don't want to. Would rather eat dirt than live on campus. Wait that's not a very good example. As I lack iron and enjoy the taste of dirt. Okay. I would rather eat… Toe jam than live on campus.
I'm feeling a bit sarcastic tonight. If you couldn't tell.
Sarcasm is my coping skill. Oh, and I smile. Those two together are what keeps me running. Again not literally. But soon I will be physically running. Right exercise. TO help me… Lose weight??? No. My child. You know, the one I nanny, wants to get a faster time on the mile. So I told her I'd do it with her. Not the actual running the mile for a good time. Just the training. It's will be good. We can bond. Exercise is good for you… I suppose. Who needs to weigh over 100lbs anyway?
Another reason I need an apartment: can you imagine how big of a pain it would be to have any kind of a feeding tube while living in a dorm? Seriously. Awful…
I love periods. Not like the female kind. The punctuation kind… Have you not figured that out by the way I. separate. Everything. With. One. I thought I'd inform you.
Well again I've avoided the point that needs to be made. But, I must get to bed. Goodnight!
SO I found out today that you can change anything you want about yourself… Well, really? Then what the heck am I still sick for? Why do I still have PTSD? I really wish someone would have been kind enough to inform me of this before now. Oh wait. They have. And guess what. It's a load of POO(Sorry for the vulgar language.)
That is the most insensitive thing you could ever say to a person. Seriously. "Just elect to be someone different, your pain really means nothing, being sick is in your head"
GRR. It makes me so angry I could scream.
Honestly. Why would you say something like that to anyone? To hurt them deeper? Do people get some sick thrill out of knowing how badly it hurts when they say that to me?
Well needless to say I'm having a rough night. I thought it would be good. I spent the weekend in Evanston. Just got back here an hour ago, the trip was good. Only cried half way instead of all the way. That's progress. I don't remember the last half of the trip. Just drove. My head is in space so much. It's crazy.
Okay. I have to get this out. Even if I don't want to.
I've lost weight. Not just a little weight. I've lost almost 20lbs. When a slender person loses 20lbs, well it's not good. When a chronically sick person loses 20lbs, well usually action is taken.
I don't want a feeding tube. Of any kind. Because seriously, they stink. Really. They smell bad. I especially do not want a PICC line. They are such a pain to deal with. Infection of any kind could kill me. Humph. That leaves NG or G tube. NG. Really. Does anyone want a tube in their nose?Just chilling there saying "Hey look at me". G tube means surgery. Small as it may be. Still surgery.
Did you vote yesterday?
I did.
But I didn't vote because I was asked, or expected to. I voted for me.
Voting is such a privilege and people need to start realizing it.
One of my biggest "pet peeves" is people complaining about whose in office yet didn't vote. Whoa back up. You neglected to put your two cents in when it mattered but now choose to BS about the result. Nope. Not okay.
Voting yesterday, I felt like a kid in a candy shop. Seriously. I was making a difference. Well, sorta. It was partly my choice what happens in the next few years. Because I voted. Did I make the right choices? Uh, who's to say? I suppose we'll never know. Right…
I sure do hope you voted.
