I fail miserably at a lot of things. Mainly, being social. It's not that I have nothing to input into the conversation. I just lack the skills and confidence of actually applying it. It's something about me that I really despise, yet have no idea how to change.
I'm very hard on myself. Ha, like you didn't already know that right… And well sometimes it just gets to be too much. I overload my plate (I don't eat so this makes sense right?) And no matter how hard I try the food/emotions just keep piling on. It's an endless battle that I'm losing. Once I'm on emotional overload, I shut down. Everything is pointless. No one wants to hear what I have to say (in my head). So it builds up even more. Then comes the depression. Great. We all know what that's like for me. It's a gruesome cycle here. But. I can't change it. I fail…
I actually fell asleep once last week like real sleep. Not just zoning out for the night. It lasted about an hour before I had a freaked out roommate from my screaming. She was nice enough to turn on the light. I came to, super shaken. Lied about why I was screaming. Claiming that I thought there was a huge spider. And the room settled down she went back to bed. I laid awake the remainder of the night, contemplating who, if anyone I should go outside and call. That 1 would actually answer in the middle of the night and 2 Would listen and make me feel better without me feeling silly for calling. I didn't end up calling anyone. Mainly because that person doesn't exist. So I lay there and thought about that stupid nightmare. Over and over again. I physically was in pain. Nightmares. Flashbacks. Dissociation it all stinks. Not literally.
I just took a shower. Is that TMI? Probably. But anyway. On to the point. Have you ever showered in a public shower? Well, there's always a huge glob of hair in the drain. Because no one in their right mind would pick up the germ invested filth. Well. That's what my drain looked like when I was done. Seriously my hair was/is coming out in globs. Now, I will be honest. I don't love hair. Anywhere. I would be perfectly happy being hairless. Yet. It falling out. Kinda scares me. There has to be a reason… Right? Hair doesn't just up and decide to leave. I wonder if I have male pattern baldness. Wait. No it doesn't run in my family. Oh and the small fact that I'm not a male… That is a factor too…
Tomorrow I will wake and go apartment hunting. Doesn't sound so great to me as I have to figure this out by Wednesday. I REALLY do not want to live on campus next semester. Like really, really don't want to. Would rather eat dirt than live on campus. Wait that's not a very good example. As I lack iron and enjoy the taste of dirt. Okay. I would rather eat… Toe jam than live on campus.
I'm feeling a bit sarcastic tonight. If you couldn't tell.
Sarcasm is my coping skill. Oh, and I smile. Those two together are what keeps me running. Again not literally. But soon I will be physically running. Right exercise. TO help me… Lose weight??? No. My child. You know, the one I nanny, wants to get a faster time on the mile. So I told her I'd do it with her. Not the actual running the mile for a good time. Just the training. It's will be good. We can bond. Exercise is good for you… I suppose. Who needs to weigh over 100lbs anyway?
Another reason I need an apartment: can you imagine how big of a pain it would be to have any kind of a feeding tube while living in a dorm? Seriously. Awful…
I love periods. Not like the female kind. The punctuation kind… Have you not figured that out by the way I. separate. Everything. With. One. I thought I'd inform you.
Well again I've avoided the point that needs to be made. But, I must get to bed. Goodnight!