I Vote For Me.

Did you vote yesterday?

I did.

But I didn't vote because I was asked, or expected to. I voted for me.

Voting is such a privilege and people need to start realizing it.

One of my biggest "pet peeves" is people complaining about whose in office yet didn't vote. Whoa back up. You neglected to put your two cents in when it mattered but now choose to BS about the result. Nope. Not okay.

Voting yesterday, I felt like a kid in a candy shop. Seriously. I was making a difference. Well, sorta. It was partly my choice what happens in the next few years. Because I voted. Did I make the right choices? Uh, who's to say? I suppose we'll never know. Right…

I sure do hope you voted.

Already Lost

It kinda sucks. No, it really sucks. I've already lost. There is no way for me to win this fight. The day he used the knife on me. He won. Nothing I or anyone else can ever do will change or fix it. Sue. Yeah. But that's not going to make me feel any better. Though. I'm still doing it. I'm really just feeling defeated tonight. Really really. A spider got on me in the shower. And that was just the end. A spider. A stupid spider has put me over the edge. Great

I hate talking to anyone. I feel guilty for not being happy and not having only sunshine dust come out of my mouth. I know everyone must be tired of it. I'm tired of it. I don't want to leave my bed anymore. I still do. But, not without a fight. College, it's supposed to be the best years of my life. Instead. It's becoming something I don't want to remember. It really hurts.

Tonight

Tomorrow

It hurts.

I have black bags under my eyes. Maybe if I got more than 2 hours of sleep at a time they would go away.

Nevertheless I cake some makeup on and go out the door.

 

I always think about sleeping

Then realize how silly that sounds. So I just stay up.

Forgetting to Breathe

(Facebook is down for me. GRR)

Here it goes.

I feel like dirt emotionally. I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm starting to feel numb again. Not completely. Just noticing that something, just don't matter. When maybe they should matter. Yet. I don't want to feel them. Who really wants to feel pain? Not me.

I can be very clinical about this. Really. Mentally I get that this is normal for someone suffering from PTSD. That this back and forth will go on for quite sometime, and it's completely normal. Other people deal with the exact same thing. It's okay to feel this way. It will get better.

See. I can be clinical.

But. Truthfully. That's not how I'm feeling.

I feel like I'm going crazy… Mental really. The lawsuit is coming to the end stages. I should be fine by now. I shouldn't be sleeping less than 12 hours a week. I shouldn't be waking up screaming when I do sleep. I shouldn't be living in irrational fear. I should be past this point. Why am I not past this point?

Only being able to see my Psychologist about every 6 weeks. It doesn't help. Yes, I could find one here in town. Will I? No. Before coming to college I was barely at the point of talking freely. Not because I don't feel comfortable with my specific Psychologist. Because I don't feel comfortable sharing. Much of anything. With hardly anyone. Not one person here in RS knows anything about my PTSD. Very few people back home know about it. How do you tell someone you're mental? It's not easy.

I'm going away a lot. Just hiding within myself. At things. I thought I was over. Like his name. Talking about PTSD in general. Not my specific case. Just that it exists. Talking about anything I've experienced. I just crawl inside and hide. It's all getting worse. The flashbacks the nightmares. Triggers. Numbness. Falling. . . . It's killing me to write this post.

Honestly. I'm a very picky person. Especially when it comes to friends. I don't like being around people who swear. So when It's my choice. I'm not. Most College aged people swear. Like sailors. That's not my bowl of soup. SO, I don't have many friends here. And by that, I mean I have one friend. She's great. She does however swear. But we've known each other for years. Not been close. But not enemies. She knows I hate swearing. SO when she does she apologizes. Which is good. But. It gets lonely here. Very lonely. I'm alone a lot. My day goes something like this.

Get up

Go to class

Eat lunch

Go to room

Hang out either in room or commons until time for work.

Go to work.

Go back to room.

Do homework or whatever until roomie comes back and wants to sleep

Do it all over again

With adding a night class Tuesday & Thursday

Really living right?

I'm so lonely. Yet there are very few people I even want to talk to. I feel guilty for talking. I have nothing good to say. Nobody wants to hear it. But I'm falling. Hitting the bottoms gonna hurt. It's not the first time. But this time I feel like I'm doing it alone. There's always been people around or just a text away. Yet, lately I feel completely cut off. The times I do get to talk to someone. I feel like everything comes out wrong. Like I'm broken. For some reason I can't say exactly what the problem is. Do I know what the problem is? Is there just one problem? No. It's a whole mess. I feel overwhelmed. So overwhelmed. I'm drowning here. Nobody is around to care.

My best friend is no longer my best friend. He doesn't even care. He's more interested in making people believe he's gay. When everybody can tell he isn't. When you truly believe you are homosexual. You don't have to try to be. It just comes. He seems like he is working so hard at it. Like he is trying to convince himself

Let me address this a little more. Homosexuality is wrong. Plain and simple. But so is lying. In Gods eyes the two sins are equal, all sins are equal. Who am I to judge or look down upon him for it when I struggle with my own problems? That's my take on it.

It doesn't hurt me that he is with him, not me. It hurts me that he is letting it come between us. I'm trying so hard to show him I'm okay with it. I just want him to be happy. Yet he is putting a wedge between us. It's killing me.

Such is life. This too shall pass. But right now. It hurts. Really bad.

So If you can't tell. I'm not okay. I'm broken. In pain. Falling. Alone. No one here to catch me, bring me back.

Great. I just love College.

 

 

Too Much?

Yeah, just maybe.
I need a slow down.
I need to work out these stupid thoughts.
I need some cough syrup.
I don't want to go back tomorrow.
But I'm excited to be back

End of the lawsuit nearing.
What then?
Will it fix me?
no.
Not in the least bit.
Won't make me feel one tiny bit better
or give me peace of mind.
It will probably send me into a Horrible PTSD funk, however.
I've found, that lately, I can hardly say his name and stay emotionally/mentally present.
one step forward. ten steps back.

I'm once again. Broke.
But. I get paid this week.
Well.
To be truthful
I get paid every week.
But.
thats irrelevant

I saw my BGF(best guy friend) and he was no longer him.
We hugged.
He said I was too skinny
We argued about him leaving and not spending time with me.
I left.

Great memories? Oh yeah.
Still friends
Probably not.
Sad part?
I'm madly in love with him
He is in something. . .
With Nestor.
I'm a bit broken.
My heart
my mind.
It physically hurts.
I want him to be happy.
He isn't.
I know.
I see it in his eyes.
It breaks my heart.

Now.
I head to bed with a heavy heart.
Because this post didn't even scratch the surface of what's in my mind/ On my heart.
Just know.
It hurts.

Ever seen a belligerent COW?

Yeah, me neither. 
Must be 'cause they've been domestisized. . . 

Need

I really need to post.
A long, serious post.
But I just don't really want to think right now.
So it will have to wait.
Until I'm ready.
So until then. . .