AH man....

I'm awake. Not very awake. But still awake. I don't want to be awake. But still I'm awake. I would like to go back to bed. But I won't. I have an appointment at 2 and have to be to work at 3. I could call in. But I only was scheduled 3 days this week so I think it better that I don't. SO now I must get ready to go. It's freezing outside and I just don't like it. I've decided that I do NOT like winter. And It should be warm all year round. But what I say doesn't go. So I will be cold for another 6 months until summer comes again. :(. *Gabs

i like...

I like people who wear shorts and winter coats. They're great. I like the smell of rain. It's calming. I like anything spandex. It's amusing. I like Sunny D. It's just good. I like old grumpy men. They make me laugh. I like to blog. It's relaxing. I like stupid commercials . Who doesn't? I like peanut butter. On stuff, or just by the spoonful :). I like crime shows. They freak me out though. I like mustard and onion on my burgers. I love mustard. So what do you like? I'd love to hear.

It's been a long weekend. I just got off work. Just spiked a fever:(. Made the boy dinner. Ate a cookie. My sister is coming to stay over... Haven't heard the story yet. I suppose that she had a fight with her husband. Now I get to try to deal with 3 extra people in the house.
I went to the dr Thursday. Things went well. I have pink eye. But other then that I supposedly healthy. Just spiking fevers randomly.... Changing my meds again which is always hard on me. I'm not feeling real great. So I'm gonna go lay down. Hopefully I'll have my computer but soon and will be able to post more often.. *Gabs

Because some people do.

Well, I have been out of bed and actually doing something since just after 10 this morning. Which that in itself is pretty good for me. I've not had much luck eating today. I still feel like dirt. my temp just went from 100.2 to 100.7 in like two minutes. My Drs appointment isn't tell Thursday night. So I get to feel like dirt for two more days. I've had a low grade fever for the last few days. But haven't had one all morning. until now :(. My computer is still in the shop :( went down to check on it today... The silly place was closed. Goodness. Just my luck. They have had it almost two weeks and I'm going crazy. I didn't think I was that attached to it. But I guess I was wrong. Once I get it back I'm gonna post some pictures!!! Haven't been able to do that FOREVER.

So the oh so famous question in my life is... "how are you?" And certain people can ask me it and I'm fine. But some people, most people just drive me crazy when they ask. Why? some because I know they don't really care. Others because their care isn't a real care. Its just the being polite. And some people are just being nosey. But on here, I know you guys ask because you really care. And that helps. Really... So I will answer that today. Me. Well I'm still here. Each day it gets easier to live. Well most days anyway. I'm still struggling with getting out. In my own house, my own bed, I know I'm okay. out in the world, I'm not so okay. Being at work, most of the time I'm okay. Except when I pass out. And passing out there brings the fact that I am sick into my work place. Which makes it difficult. The people look at me different. Different isn't always bad. But in this case, its not good either.

I've actually been doing pretty good the last couple of days. Mood-wise. But then came sunday. For some reason I just wasn't okay. Everything anyone said, just made me want to cry. As I've said before, I don't like to cry. I hardly ever do it. But lately, I've wanted to. In order to keep myself from crying. I get really quiet. Which if you know me, I'm already a quiet person. I don't know why I feel this way. I do know that I want it to go away.

Kids drive me crazy. Not all kids. Most kids though. Especially the ones that live with me. Right now I'm listening to one of them cry, as they stand in time-out, for not doing their homework. He hasn't been spanked, yet he still cries. Drive me crazy. Really. CRAZY! Things like that, I use to be able to handle, now, yeah right. So I'll just continue to drink my vanilla latte from McDonald's (second on of the day) and ignore the child.

I'm getting annoyed with the thermometer! I think it needs new battery's... Or my temp. is really wacko! Its going from 100.8 to 96.4... Hmm some how I don't think its right that its going back and forth. But thats just me.

Mom is making soup for dinner... MMM... It's a soupy day. Soup is just good when you're sick. *Gabby

out

I'm so tired of being sick. Really. It seems to be almost constant lately. Today I had to be at work at 6am. WHy? Because my manager likes to drive me crazy by giving me a crazy schedule. So even though I've been sick for the last week. I went in. It was going good until about 630. Then it all fell apart. All I remember is going black, yelling for the manager, then being pulled off the floor. Then I started to get a headache. My mom came and got me. Though the store manager wasn't too happy about me going home. Came home and slept for the next 6 hours. Now I'm feeling yucky. Hoping to be feeling better tomorrow. Who knows though. It's probably an infection. But who knows. I'm gonna go lay down now. *Gabby

Sick

AH I'm sick again... Same symptoms as last time when I probably had the swine flu. So I'm stuck in the house again... The drs are think maybe the h1n1 virus developed into an infection :(... Work isn't very happy, but what can you do?

Well my laptop is at the drs... The screen broke a few months ago so I had it pluggged into a monitor but moms laptop crashed and since we happen to have the same thing she was gonna let me have her screen. I took it in to be switched, turns out its not the screen on mine, its just a stupid cord inside. Its gonna cost like 20 bucks to fix.

Well I'm not feeling real great just wanted to give a quick update. I will blog again when I get the chance. *Gabby

Anytime

So many people have said they're here for me anytime I feel like talking. But talking, it's not really what I feel like doing. I know I need to talk. I know it would help me to talk. But still, I don't want to talk. I don't want to draw how I feel. OR write it. I don't want to watch sad movies and just let myself cry. I don't want to look to the future and try to find better days. I don't want to lose myself in my music. I don't want to zone out the way I do, because it hurt to much to stay in the present. I don't want to go to work tomorrow, or the next day, or ever again. Right now, I don't want to do much of anything. I'm tired of explaining that to people. I'm tired of being asked why I'm still in bed and it 12pm, because honestly I don't have an answer. I could get out of bed, I could get the things I need to do done. I would even go as far as to say I should. But I don't. And I probably won't.

Yesterday. Yesterday was just a bad day that's all there is to it. I don't even like to think back to yesterday. I had things said to me that really hurt, I said some things that I intended to hurt also. I'm not proud of that, but it's what is. I can't take back the words I said. Nor can she.

Right now I'm struggling. I'm not looking for the quick fix to happiness. I just need to know it's okay. I need to know I'm okay. I need a hug. I need all the little things that happen to make one happy. I need to know that it's okay to be who I am right now. That even though I'm not the same Gabby that I was, that people still love me. That I may sleep more, smile less, and feel 100% worse on a day to day basis, and that okay, because it's temporary, and the people who once cared still care because they know that. Today I may not feel like being Gabby. But one day I will again. But until then, I just need to be loved. *Gabby

Okay so I'm not sure whats going on with the header for my blog... When I look at it it says it's been deleted. I haven't messed with anything to do with my blog in so long though so I just don't know. Right now I'm feeling pretty rough. Stayed in bed until 12, got up for a little while, went back to bed. Mom got me back up around 130. We had a huge blow out fight which ended with me leaving. Since I had no place to go I drove to the park sat there for a good 30 minutes just crying. I hate crying. Came back home because I had to get ready for work. Went to work. about 630 got extremely nauseous. Ran to the bathroom. Dry heaved for 20 minutes. Was able to pick myself up off the disgusting bathroom floor. Back to front counter. Manager says he called someone in and that I should go home. Oh goodness I was happy. I still feel just awful don't know how I would have made it through the rest of the night at work. SO that's how my day went.

Yesterday wasn't any better. got up around 830, normally I get up around 9 but mom wanted me to go to the store. So I throw some clothes on, go get some donuts. Come back home get ready for Church. Bout half way through Sunday school I get this awful headache. Take some tylonel. Make it through the rest of church. Come home, make lunch for the boy because mom is sick. One of them is refusing to talk so I put him in the corner. (with out lunch) (I'm mean, its my way or the highway) Go upstairs to check on mom, she is running a fever of 103.5 and is VERY out of it. Give her some tylonel. Call my older sister to see what I should do. It's decided to take her to the er. She can't though because she is 8 months preggo and doesn't want to get sick. Call my other sister, she's asleep but is getting up to help me take her, call my OTHER sister, she agrees to take the twins while I have mom at the hospital. The one boy decides that its not worth it talks to me, I let him have his lunch and a donut. My sister gets to the house we try to get mom out of bed she says no because our hands are to cold, we say sorry no choice, she complain the the dresser drawers are open. finally get her to the car. Head to the er. The get her back fairly quickly. After me trying to give all her info because she is way too out of it to do anything. The do a breathing treatment. A chest x-ray. And the test for swine flu. The breathing treatment helps a lot. Chest x-ray and swine flu test both come back negative. DR decides she probably still has swine flu( Yeah we don't like this dr, we got her once when I was having fainting spells and she told my mom to shut up... didn't go so well, then she told me it was because I was worried about my weight and wasn't eating enough. even though I had eatin two fairly large meals before I passed out.) SO they gave her an inhaler and some cough syrup and sent us home. I grabbed us some dinner. brought her home. Went and got her meds. came home and dozed for an hour or so, went to church. Picked the boys up from my sister. Got them to bed. Did the laundry the dishes and took my meds. Got yelled at for not making mom dinner. Went to bed. ... SO as you can tell the last few days have been pretty stressful. Now I'm tired and must go to bed and hope whatever bug I have is gone by morning so I can go to work. *Gabs

..... Tangled

Oh goodness! I'm freezing, again! I hate being cold. I'd rather be sick then cold. Right now I seem to be both. I had a fever again a little while ago :(. I just can't seem to shake this bug I've got, though maybe I just caught a new one... Now it seems to be my stomach that's having issues. No good.

Today overall has been a pretty good day. I helped throw a surprise baby shower for my sister. It was good. She was very surprised. I enjoyed it. I'm not usually real thrilled with being around a lot of people, but today really was good. Having days like today helps me to know that I really am okay. Whatever okay is. I'm there. Not everyday. Not even once a week. But today, I'm there. So I'm gonna soak it up while it lasts and look forward to the next time I feel this way again.

I need to do laundry. Luckily, since I forgot... I don't work tell Monday... I'm so looking forward to a nice peaceful day tomorrow. I work Monday-Thursday and then have Friday & Saturday off. Well I'm off from work anyway. They are going to be pretty stressful days. Saturday is my best friend Ts 18th Birthday. So Friday night we are heading down to Park City, having dinner and staying at a hotel. Saturday morning we are getting up at some ungodly hour (anything before 10 is ungodly) and going on a hot air balloon ride! It's going to be great fun. Also Friday morning my mom is leaving for Indiana... To visit her boyfriend. (more on that to come). My sister is keeping the boys Friday night, then when I get home Saturday I will pick them up, so that I can get them ready for Church Sunday. It's going to be super stressful. I hope I can handle it.

Okay so my moms boyfriend... I mean she's dated before. Not much. But a few times. I've always been okay with it before. But it's so much harder now. I do NOT want to share her. I know that sounds silly. But it's true. For the last year and so she has been a constant companion. Not always a wanted one, but always there. It's really hard to not have her always there anymore. Not to have her completely focused on me. Not to be told exactly what to do and when to do it. REALLY HARD. Really you can't get it until you go through something like what we've been through with someone. It forms a bond that is like none other. Unbreakable and unwanted. A very good bond. WE are very close. But I would never chose to go through this with anyone. And now I have to share her with this guy. He lives a long ways away. But I think she talks to him more then she talks to me. Which isn't a bad thing. It's just hard. I'm selfish. I'm not gonna lie, I want all of her attention all of the time. Now I have to re-learn how to live without all of her attention all of the time. It not going to be easy. Or without tears. But eventually, I will be there.

Ever seen the commercial about depression that says "depression hurts, everywhere". There is so much truth in those words it unbelievable. Really. I never thought that my mental state would effect my physical state so much. But it does. But then a year ago I would have never thought that I'd be depressed today. It's a real black and white sickness but it doesn't have a real black and white cure. What works for one person doesn't always help the next. Trying to find your way through the tangled web of emotions, it's exhausting. Trying to keep that tangled web of emotions in check is even harder, some days bout impossible. I know everyone says crying is okay, even good, and for some people, it may be. But for me, I hate it. It makes me feel even worse. So when I feel sad, I hide it. I'm number 1 at putting a smile on my face during hard times. Doesn't matter what is going on, I will fake a smile. Not something I'm proud of, just what is. Most people wouldn't ever even know I was upset.

Well I'm freezing my fingers are pale and icy. I need to be done typing and get some heat on these phalanges(spelling?) Goodnight.