Saturday, October 3, 2009

..... Tangled

Oh goodness! I'm freezing, again! I hate being cold. I'd rather be sick then cold. Right now I seem to be both. I had a fever again a little while ago :(. I just can't seem to shake this bug I've got, though maybe I just caught a new one... Now it seems to be my stomach that's having issues. No good.

Today overall has been a pretty good day. I helped throw a surprise baby shower for my sister. It was good. She was very surprised. I enjoyed it. I'm not usually real thrilled with being around a lot of people, but today really was good. Having days like today helps me to know that I really am okay. Whatever okay is. I'm there. Not everyday. Not even once a week. But today, I'm there. So I'm gonna soak it up while it lasts and look forward to the next time I feel this way again.

I need to do laundry. Luckily, since I forgot... I don't work tell Monday... I'm so looking forward to a nice peaceful day tomorrow. I work Monday-Thursday and then have Friday & Saturday off. Well I'm off from work anyway. They are going to be pretty stressful days. Saturday is my best friend Ts 18th Birthday. So Friday night we are heading down to Park City, having dinner and staying at a hotel. Saturday morning we are getting up at some ungodly hour (anything before 10 is ungodly) and going on a hot air balloon ride! It's going to be great fun. Also Friday morning my mom is leaving for Indiana... To visit her boyfriend. (more on that to come). My sister is keeping the boys Friday night, then when I get home Saturday I will pick them up, so that I can get them ready for Church Sunday. It's going to be super stressful. I hope I can handle it.

Okay so my moms boyfriend... I mean she's dated before. Not much. But a few times. I've always been okay with it before. But it's so much harder now. I do NOT want to share her. I know that sounds silly. But it's true. For the last year and so she has been a constant companion. Not always a wanted one, but always there. It's really hard to not have her always there anymore. Not to have her completely focused on me. Not to be told exactly what to do and when to do it. REALLY HARD. Really you can't get it until you go through something like what we've been through with someone. It forms a bond that is like none other. Unbreakable and unwanted. A very good bond. WE are very close. But I would never chose to go through this with anyone. And now I have to share her with this guy. He lives a long ways away. But I think she talks to him more then she talks to me. Which isn't a bad thing. It's just hard. I'm selfish. I'm not gonna lie, I want all of her attention all of the time. Now I have to re-learn how to live without all of her attention all of the time. It not going to be easy. Or without tears. But eventually, I will be there.

Ever seen the commercial about depression that says "depression hurts, everywhere". There is so much truth in those words it unbelievable. Really. I never thought that my mental state would effect my physical state so much. But it does. But then a year ago I would have never thought that I'd be depressed today. It's a real black and white sickness but it doesn't have a real black and white cure. What works for one person doesn't always help the next. Trying to find your way through the tangled web of emotions, it's exhausting. Trying to keep that tangled web of emotions in check is even harder, some days bout impossible. I know everyone says crying is okay, even good, and for some people, it may be. But for me, I hate it. It makes me feel even worse. So when I feel sad, I hide it. I'm number 1 at putting a smile on my face during hard times. Doesn't matter what is going on, I will fake a smile. Not something I'm proud of, just what is. Most people wouldn't ever even know I was upset.

Well I'm freezing my fingers are pale and icy. I need to be done typing and get some heat on these phalanges(spelling?) Goodnight.

1 comment:

rabidbutterfly said...

"depression hurts...everyone...depression hurts...everywhere."

i know that commercial.
and i HATE it, because it's so true.