Monday, July 12, 2010


I have not felt like blogging lately.
At all.
To be quite honest,
I’ve felt like crap lately.
Not so much physically.
the last few days have been rather hard.
I’ve felt like someone has taken a swing and knocked me down.
I can’t get back up.
I’m not usually this easily discouraged.
I struggle with depression.
I struggle with MAJOR depression.
But I said I struggle with it.
Meaning I’m fighting back.
Not losing to it.
I just can’t shake this awful funk.
What started it?
best I can tell,
Like my recent Ex-boyfriend.
It’s silly.
We weren’t even together a month.
We didn’t know each other a month.
He has left me in a funk.
It doesn’t help that today is the anniversary of Jonny’s death.
For those of you who don’t know,
Jonny was a guy I dated,
Before I got sick.
He was amazing.
Different from any guy I’ve ever met.
He was killed in a car accident.
Last year.
July 12th.
One year and one day before.
was the day we met.
I liked him from the getgo.
I think he liked me.
He tolerated me at least.
 I was a different person back then.
Oh, boy was I.
I still can’t believe he is gone.
I didn’t find out for ten days.
When I got a text from his mom saying.
“I don’t know if you heard but Jonny was killed in a car accident last week”
That’s how it played out.
A text.
Might as well let me hear it through gossip.
Because seriously.
I had already missed the viewing and funeral
Why tell me at all.
I know I sound bratty.
But it really hurt me.
His mother has then nerve to show up at my house and feed me this big bunch of crap story about how her husband beats her so she left him and her daughter admitted her to a psyche hospital for no reason, she was homeless and didn’t have money for food.
Her whole family had disowned her.
It went on.
I cried.
For hours.
After all.
Everyone deserves to eat, right?
Well a few months later.
After giving her much support.
I found out,
through DFS,
where my mom works,
that it was a load of crap.
She was a hooker.
Got arrested.
That’s where it all began.
I was flabbergasted
I haven’t really talked to her since.
After all.
She did lose her son.
She had already lost one.
Many years ago.
But still.
I just quietly backed out.
I didn’t want confrontation.
or her in my life.
She texts me every now and again.
I don’t reply.
I don’t like being used.

In other news.
I have had an awful stomach ache since Friday.
I had an awful back ache Wednesday and Thursday.
Then Friday my stomach.
Saturday it just got worse.
Some with today.
It’s not cysts, again.
But thinking,
It probably is.
I don’t want to deal with it.
But nothing is relieving the pain.
I spent a half hour in the bathroom on the floor
at McDonalds.
On Saturday because it hurt so bad.
But they were short handed so I was not able to go home.
I hate feeling awful.

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