In Which We All Become Confused.

Well, I'm still in this rut phase. The one where my blogging usually comes to a screeching halt. But. Today I've decide to break out of the normal. If I know what's gonna happen why not change it? Make it the way I want it? So I will proceed to poor my heart out for the next little while. Sit back. Take an Ibuprofen(I already did, twice today). And read on as far as you can handle…. Before I start, did anyone watch my Skydive Video? What did you think? If you didn't Click here (I totally just figured out how to do that. I'm SOOO excited!!!)

Let me start with, I have something going on. Not sure what. Probably Anemia, possibly allergies, Some kind of stomach issue. Fever. Massive headache. And quite frankly it SUCKS. I hardly know anyone here. I look like crap. I feel like crap. And I have no one to take care of me. I don't like it. Growing up has the vacuum effect. Humph.

The food has been awful the last few days. The few meals they feed us anyway. Yesterday I ate, *gulp*, Spam for the first real time. Not that I today Sherry* that. It wasn't as bad as it sounds. Spam… Spoiled ham? That's what it sounds like to me. But I still ate it. In a sandwich. I thought it tasted a lot like those Vienna sausages you can buy in the can? JMO. Today. They had the sandwich station up. I eat there a lot. White bread, turkey, Mayo, Mustard, lettuce, tomato, and onion. If I'm feeling super spiffy I through the yellow banana peppers on. Is there any other color of banana pepper? Banana makes me think yellow… I will have to find that out… Interesting.

My Abnormal Psychology class was cancelled this morning. Well not really. It was never scheduled. None of us realized that until we all were there and started talking. Don't have it Wednesday either. Not that I'm complaining. We are getting into anxiety D/O's. Bit of a touchy subject for me. A lot of what she is trying to explain and make all these people understand is my every day. Though, it has been awhile since I've had a full blown anxiety attack. I can usually hide the mild pretty well. We haven't actually gotten in to PTSD yet. Probably the next class session. I'm not looking forward to it. But refuse to go to her and ask for a pass from it, I do already know a lot about it, but that would be letting it control me. Not to mention I'd feel like a complete mental person. We are after all only talking about a disorder I have. None of them even know I have it. I'd like it to stay that way….

I'm really digging this font. Is it okay for everyone else? Bigger, smaller? Everything?

There's this RA, oh my, does he smell nice! Delightful really. He put me in a better mood just by the way he smelt!

Ever have a thought, a belief, a notion? Ever been afraid to speak because you know how stupid you must sound? Yeah I'm there. That my dear readers is crap. Yes, that happens to be my word of the day. I know in my head how unrealistic my belief is. My body just isn't to the *realistic* point yet. It's still back at the over stimulated scared point. It's not ready to move on so to speak. My body still flips out at the little stuff. Not as bad as it use to. But it still does.

Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

(I love this song!!! Really. LOVE it. Do you know the name? I do. I was just wondering who else here is a Creed fan? I like most of their songs. I just have to be in the right mood for some of them. )

Yeah, that was completely off subject. Sorry. I feel pretty awful. Haven't slept much the last 2 nights, the first night I saw a spider. An unreal spider of course, the size of my hand on the wall by my face. I flew out of bed and turned the light on. Shook out my bedding and realized it was a dream. But then for the rest of the night I felt itchy which kept me awake. Then I was sure that my computer was going to fall off my desk if I didn't move it to my dresser. Okay sure. Then last night I felt awful. Fell asleep around 530pm woke up a few times. Then at 2am I woke up realized my roomie wasn't back, went to head out the door to find her, stopped myself as she does have family in town she was probably with. Then ate some cereal.

 

 

****Big News To Come****

I don’t need told.

I get it. I really do. There are people in harder times than me. I get that. But that doesn't mean I don't have a right to my own feelings about my own life.

If I want to complain about being in a strange town, alone, with nothing to do. I will.

I often feel like crap because of the feelings I have. That's not fair. (Yes I'm regressing back to that stage) I should be able to freely feel my feelings. I shouldn't have to worry who I might offend because somethings happened in their life. Because guess what, my life ain't easy. (Yeah I just said ain't).

I just spent the last hour crying because my carton of milk was spoiled. Great. Was it really the milk I was upset about? Was It the glass of cereal I pour it on to before realizing it was chunky? No not really. It's just milk. It would have made me sick anyway. I don't have money to get anymore. SO I'll eat dinner tonight in the cafeteria and then they'll have dinner tomorrow there too. That's a bit annoying. No I don't like food that much. But I still tend to eat more than once a day. Even if it is gross.

SO then, why was I crying? I'm not sure there's an exact reason. I know I don't want to be here. I know my mom had just called to say she missed me, as this was the first weekend I didn't go home. I know that I've been in this stupid room way too much. I know that I didn't sleep much last night. I know that I feel like CRAP. I know all that. I also know that many other people are having just as crappy of a day today. Should that make me suck it up and get on with life? Probably. Will it? No. I'm not that kind of person. See other people hurting doesn't make me look at my life and say "they've got it worse, I should be happy" because honestly. They really don't have it worse, they have it different. It's still sucky. It still hurts. It just isn't the same.

Surprisingly enough. I'm still sticking to my not talking about it statement earlier. I still haven't talked about "it".

Funny how much this blog really helps me. I doubt that anyone really reads much anymore. I've been an awful blogger. This is how it usually works though.

 

I blog, a lot get everything out.

I feel better, the blogging slows down.

I get busy, rarely update.

I start to fall apart, the blogging picks up again.

By now I'm in a rut. I hate this stupid rut. I find myself here often.
ß This is me now.

Once again I will stop blogging. Mainly because what I have to say isn't worth saying.

Someone will notice I'm hurting again, pick me back up.

I'll get back in the bloggy system

I'll get feeling okay again.

Ready. Repeat.

 

This is what I call the Gabby system. Sometimes when this happens it's hardly noticeable. Sometimes, it gets bad. Right now. It's bad.

So, if I disappear. Stop responding. I'll be in dorm 4-113 of Rocky Mountain Hall. Because that's the only place I can go.

 

As the walls go back up.

Ever get to the point where talking seems useless? Yeah, I'm there. Good. Probably not. But that's the point I'm living in today. I'm sick of everything here. Never having anything to do doesn't help. Might go swimming later. Woo. Highlight of my week.. Giving up. Packing up. Going home. Yeah right. I wish. I'm stuck. Which makes me hate it even more.

I was up most of the night, horrible stomach pain. Stress? Malnutrition? Yeah. Probably. Finally fell asleep around 830am. My lovely roommate then proceeded to talk loudly on the phone for the next half hour. Thank you. SO glad you could show me the same courtesy I showed you yesterday when I sat in the stupid commons room for 5 hours so you could sleep.

Really? I'm not happy today if you can't tell. I probably won't go swimming. I need my inhaler refilled, still.

Is this post making any sense to you? It's sure not to me. But hey what ever. I can beat around the bush for hours.

Maybe I should just walk home. It's only 95 miles. Or, hitchhike. That would be a new experience….

Trying to Blog from MS Word….

I'm not sure that this will work. So I might end up sending it to Management to have her post it. But, if it does work, my life would be so much easier. But, for now, there will be no pictures. At least not when I post from school. I'm really digging this font. I hope it stays J.

Honestly Honest.

I'm having a rough time here at school. Not because I'm not making friends. I've made a few. Not because I'm not enjoying my classes, they're quite fun. Next week in Phlebotomy we get to start poking, which slightly scares me. I'm fine with poking others, but having someone, who doesn't know what they are doing poke me…. No thanks. That comes with my fear of student nurses I think. I didn't completely bomb my Abnormal Psych test. Which is a praise. I may have not done so good on the Phlebotomy test yesterday. But I'm pretty sure that I'm just Psyching myself out. Yet. Part of me, hates it here. It may be because there are scary clowns on my wall. Or that it's after 1pm and my roommate is still sleeping. It could be because the food is GROSS or that I'm anemic and my mother hasn't called the nutritionist, and hasn't sent me her number to do it myself. It could be that I haven't seen the love of my life(Wookie) since Sunday. And knowing I have to go another week before I get to is killing me inside. It could be that my feet still hurt. After 4 weeks. And Dr.W said if it's not better next week I really should see the Ortho. Which means missing school, at least one day, as I can't drive all the way to Utah, have an Appointment, and come all the way back in one day, without going insane.

It could be that I still don't have a job. I applied at the hospital yesterday, yes I'm that desperate. They need an X-ray Tech. It could be fun. Not as much physical work as a CNA. Still in the medical field, I really didn't want to work at the hospital here. But, I guess, if I get the job. I'll do it. I also applied at Kmart and Claire's. Both places advertising that they're hiring. Yet, no phone calls. I went to one of the McDonalds. They were stupid. There wasn't even a manager in the building, they didn't know where he went. I asked for the store number so I could apply online. The guy informed me they didn't have a store number. I looked at him like "Are you stupid?" (yes would be the answer to that) Then proceeded to civilly ask for a receipt. Because, you know, that's where the store number is. Well at least I knew that. And most people who have every eaten at a McDonalds Down here in the mountains know that. Yet, He didn't know that?

It could very well be all of that making me hate college. Wouldn't surprise me one bit. But it could also be that without Wookie I'm always alone. Even when I may not be physically I am mentally. The people here don't know my past. They don't know I'm suffering from PTSD. They don't know that Not having consistent treatment for it is making me insane. They don't know, me. While it is nice to just be Gabby. I'm no longer just Gabby. Whether I want it or not, all of my problems are me. There's no one to talk to about these things here. Having Therapy every few weeks, is better than nothing, yet I'm almost afraid to talk. Because, I don't always know, when I'll be there again. With Wookie around. I didn't have to talk. He knew when I was sad. When I needed him to love on me. When I wanted him next to me. He knew how to make me smile. "He's just a dog" you might be thinking. But you're wrong. He's my dog. I love him SO much it hurts some days. To know that he is sad when I'm not with him, hurts even more. We need each other to function. To sleep. To feel at all okay. I just want my Puppy, my baby, my Wookie-Pie.

So today. I'm sad. I sit here. With nothing to do, because I have no class on Fridays. Thinking about how much I miss my puppy. Wanting to go home. Knowing that I can't. I really hate it. I know. Today. There is nothing I can do about it. I know that dorm life, is not for me. The sharing a room. The disgusting food. Not having Wookie with me. I know that ASAP I will have my own apartment. With my puppy. I know, that I can't do this without him. L

I'm not okay right now. Whether that is 'Normal' or not, well I don't know or care. I just want my puppy. I want to deeply talk to someone who knows me. I want a new, or no roommate. Want Want Want. Quite frankly. This SUCKS.

I also want some food I can identify. That doesn't make me sick….

Well, there's my heart. Right on this post. Maybe later, when I'm not hurting so much. I will write more on the good things of college.

I leave you with this amazing video. Watch it, enjoy it . Live vicariously through me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWbkwRsIi0s

 

Scattered Dreams

Honestly, nine years ago, I had no earthly idea what was going on. It didn't make sense to me why people would crash planes in to buildings. I didn't fully comprehend death. I did however feel all the emotions.  All the hurt. All the fear.

My brother was supposed to be working in the Pentagon that day. My mother frantically called. No answer. His baby. Who was born July 14th of that year, 3 months early. Was in the NICU at Bathesda. Finally, a lot later in the day. Around 5pm. He called. My nephew had been released, out of the blue, the day before. He had been up all night with him and decided to stay home that day. God is good. Very good. I remember that. 

I remember the fear. That was everywhere. For the weeks to come. 

9-11-10

Coming to you from the 4th floor computer lab.... I've been a horrible blogger.... Sorry... College is, well College. And I've just been busy. Hurting my feet didn't help. I'm still in the cast. But discarded the crutches... I was SOOO over them. My toe was doing quite well... Then I caught it on a stupid backpack. I'm pretty much back to square 1 with it. Just with out the purple and blue colors. I’m off the pain meds, for the most part. Still taking Aleve but that’s over the counter. Hoping by this weekend they are doing fine. But I doubt it. As I had to ice my foot earlier because it hurt so bad…. I really don’t want to see an orthopedic surgeon. I don’t trust most surgeons. Except the one I already have. I really don’t want to break in a new one. Humph.

Well in other news. I got 88% on the pop quiz in Phlebotomy. That was nice. An A would have been better. But I’ll take the B. That class is crazy. The Teacher is pretty good but it’s her 1st time teaching… SO she isn’t quite sure on everything. Some of the people in the class drive me bananas. On of the ladies looks angry all the time. If she ever came in to take my blood I would probably cry. Really she’s scary. But most of them are pretty nice. Some have no clue about anything. And make me bananas. But they’re nice….

I have an English paper/draft due tomorrow. But I think It’s pretty much done. Might add a few more things tonight. It’s on Identity. Fun. No. Writing a paper about myself… Not my idea of a good time. Now, writing a paper on Hitler or Michael Jackson, that would be interesting. Me. No not really. Hopefully I do okay in this class. I haven’t written many papers in my schooling. The first one I ever wrote I got a C on last year… Which is passing…. 

I miss Wookie SO much. It’s breaking my heart being away from him. I hate sleeping alone. I hate not waking up and having him come lick my hands and face so excited to see me. I hate always being alone, when I’m alone. It’s new to me. He is always in the room with me at home. Usually right next to me. Chewing on my pants. Trying to kiss my face. Biting my hands. I really miss him. Next semester I’m gonna have to get an apartment. One that will allow me to have Wookie. Most will with the notes I have. SO it shouldn’t be too hard…. I haven’t been sleeping well without him. Or much at all. I just lay there a lot. It’s not much fun. I look forward to the weekend all week. And hardly leave him the whole time I’m home. I know it’s not normal to miss my dog more than my family. But its true. I love him. SOOO much. I talk to him on the phone some nights. Sounds silly, but its true. He really is mans best friend. Or womans in this case. 

All the pain stuff I’ve had to take has really done a toll on my body. I’ve had a headache ALL day. It’s pretty miserable. My stomach hurts most of the time. My kidneys aren’t happy with me. My liver. Well we don’t talk that often so I don’t really know… ;) 

Management will be posting this when she gets a chance!! I do love her. Thanks again!!!