Alone

You know the saying "Why add insult to injury". It applies. All of the time. Especially when someone is really hurting. I thought I may have been exaggerating, perhaps being a tad bit dramatic when I said I was alone. But it turns out I wasn't. She complains that "I never talk to her" or that "I don't really let her in" But I try. I really try. I try to trust. I really do. But she doesn't want to let me in either. And the few times that I have called her and said I need you. She has been too busy. But tonight. I'm here alone. Like really alone house to myself. I've got strep. And I'm feeling extremely vulnerable because my father hasn't returned my phone calls in over 3 weeks. Since I already said I have daddy issues, I don't think I need to say that it scares me. I'm afraid he chose the girl friend over me. Again. There is always something or some one more important than me. For my dad it was that lady. For the him it was bikinis. I can't be that lady. I can only be the daughter with issues. And I will never look good in a bikini. Not that I would ever try. But that isn't the point. 
Not that it matters. 

It Might Not "Matter"

I may have not know him long. Or I guess really known him at all. But honestly I really liked him. I really started falling for him. I really felt comfortable with him. I guess that shows my judge of people. It might not matter in the grand scheme of things. It might actually be better. I wouldn't really want a guy like this.
But today it does matter. It does hurt. I do care. I didn't want to be taught this lesson. I didn't ask for more patience. I don't care if really it is no big deal. I know that people are dealing with more important things. But today, today I am hurt. And nobody is around to care because they have those more important things. 


In the midst of what we find more important, the people we care about start to fall because of what we deem unimportant, or because what we are dealing with is "bigger" than what they are. That isn't how God views things. So why do we get to? 


So I will put on my big girl panties and go about with a grin even if it is killing me inside to know that I won't get to fall asleep to his voice on the phone. He won't be telling me "goodnight" or "sweet dreams". I won't get to believe that maybe I have found somebody who can accept me for all my scars, all my bumps, all my bruises. I won't get to have all those girly fantasies. I don't get to plan that part of my future for now. Once again. It's just me. I don't get to be smitten. I care, even if no one else does. I care. But, I will act as though it isn't hurting. I will be available 24/7 for my sister because her son was just diagnosed autistic and she needs me. I will be on call for work 24/7, I will help any way I can with the kids, whenever I'm needed because my boss needs me. I will take the insults and rude comments made to me. I will let everyone else make me feel like everything I do is wrong. And maybe it is. But that's alright. Because God doesn't see this as a little hurt. He doesn't view me as a smaller problem. He cares. So I will keep going. I will pretend to be fine in the midst of everyone else's problems. I will take care of everyone else and deal with my hurt by myself because they need me. I will keep going with no time to even exist. 
Because it doesn't matter to anyone but me anyways. 

Just Me.

There is so much more to me then just the surface. 
I'm not just the girl who has had more surgeries than you can count on one hand.
I'm not just the girl who passed out at church camp, more than once.
I'm not just the girl who has spent countless nights in the hospital. 
I'm not just the girl who seems to always be sick.
I'm not just the girl who doesn't always acknowledge people when they talk. 
I'm not just the girl who has so many emotions built up on the inside that most of the time she comes off rather numb and emotionless because she is afraid of falling apart. 
I'm not just the girl who has been through too much to even tell. 
I'm not just they girl with extreme "Daddy issues".
I'm not just the girl with significant emotional problems.
I'm not just the girl who is extremely anal about being on time. 
I'm not just the girl with trust issues. 
I'm not just the girl who is afraid of Doctors.
I am that girl. 
But I'm not just that girl. 
You just have to take the time to get to know the underneath. 
You just have to want to know the underneath. 

Something New

I wish I could write like I used to. I never had a problem posting daily. Even when I was working. Nowadays I have a hard time posting weekly or even monthly sometimes. Which is odd. I have a lot to say. Really I do. I just don't know how to say it. 


Seems to be my trend of late. So much to say. No idea how to say it. And then it all comes out jarbled. I've been rather over emotional lately. And by rather I mean that I was crying over people I didn't know looking at me wrong. I seem to be a tad bit better now. But still not great. I find myself crying at stupid things yet not at big things. 


I've never wanted to be the girl that was in love with the idea of being in love. But, I don't want to be a lady who never found love either. I'm caught in the middle of my emotions here. I have a feeling about this guy. Oh, yeah never got around to writing that post either. Whoops. I'm not in love with him. Or the idea of being in love with him. I do think it could happen. I do feel a strange sense of belonging when I talk to him. I do think about him all a lot of the time. I do want to talk to him all of the time. I do wish he lived closer. I do wish May would hurry up and get here. I do hope that this is something real. Because, I'm comfortable with him. Yet. I find myself scared out of my mind. Makes total sense right? But, I'm comfortable being scared. 


I tend to come off a tad bit fragile. Don't know why... I always hear people making the comment that they are afraid to break me. It's always nice to have people looking out for you. But at the same time I am plenty capable of know my own limitations and asking for help.... Most of the time. Which is probably why people feel they need to protect me all of the time. 


I'm in the process of coming up with a 2 year plan. It actually isn't that hard because for the last 6 months I've been saying that certain things are in my 2 year plan. So I guess now it's the 1.5 year plan. You know, whatever works. 


One of these days I will write a completely open, real, raw post. It's in the 2 year plan. :) 

Words.

I have a lot I want to say. 
I'm just not sure how to say it. 
I don't know how to express it. Here. 
So instead I avoid blogging. 
I sit in my little comfort zone. 
I pretend to not be scared. 
But, I don't know if I can pretend that much longer. 
What is there to be scared of? 
Well, a lot. 
On many different levels. 
From the flutterby's in my stomach. 
To the scans and procedures. 
The future is complex. 
Today is complex. 
Yesterday was complex. 
I should be used to it by now. 
I should be so used to being told no one knows what is going on that is doesn't bother me anymore. 
But the truth is.
It still does. 
It still scares me. 
Especially when there are many different things going on. 
They could be unrelated. 
Or not. 
I guess I will know more over the next few weeks. 


I will go into more detail later. 
Right now I'm too busy figuring it all out. 
What it all means. 
What he this will mean. :D