Thursday, March 29, 2012

It Might Not "Matter"

I may have not know him long. Or I guess really known him at all. But honestly I really liked him. I really started falling for him. I really felt comfortable with him. I guess that shows my judge of people. It might not matter in the grand scheme of things. It might actually be better. I wouldn't really want a guy like this.
But today it does matter. It does hurt. I do care. I didn't want to be taught this lesson. I didn't ask for more patience. I don't care if really it is no big deal. I know that people are dealing with more important things. But today, today I am hurt. And nobody is around to care because they have those more important things. 

In the midst of what we find more important, the people we care about start to fall because of what we deem unimportant, or because what we are dealing with is "bigger" than what they are. That isn't how God views things. So why do we get to? 

So I will put on my big girl panties and go about with a grin even if it is killing me inside to know that I won't get to fall asleep to his voice on the phone. He won't be telling me "goodnight" or "sweet dreams". I won't get to believe that maybe I have found somebody who can accept me for all my scars, all my bumps, all my bruises. I won't get to have all those girly fantasies. I don't get to plan that part of my future for now. Once again. It's just me. I don't get to be smitten. I care, even if no one else does. I care. But, I will act as though it isn't hurting. I will be available 24/7 for my sister because her son was just diagnosed autistic and she needs me. I will be on call for work 24/7, I will help any way I can with the kids, whenever I'm needed because my boss needs me. I will take the insults and rude comments made to me. I will let everyone else make me feel like everything I do is wrong. And maybe it is. But that's alright. Because God doesn't see this as a little hurt. He doesn't view me as a smaller problem. He cares. So I will keep going. I will pretend to be fine in the midst of everyone else's problems. I will take care of everyone else and deal with my hurt by myself because they need me. I will keep going with no time to even exist. 
Because it doesn't matter to anyone but me anyways. 

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