Change

I hate change. Really. I don't hate many things. But change is one of them. Unexpected change. Yeah... I don't do well with at all. I like schedules. I like to know what I need to do everyday and make a plan. Maybe not down to the minute. But I do better when it is. I like knowing who will be where when. I can't handle unknown situations. I don't completely avoid them anymore. But there is usually at least one meltdown before and after because it causes me so much stress. I try not to stress about things outside of my control. But I haven't quite gotten it down yet. I am better about not having to control the entire world. But I still like to be in control. Of everything. I don't like to say no to people. I do it very rarely. Even if I may not want to do something. I want to help. Usually it ends up harming me so it's not always a good quality. I am afraid to end up alone. Ha you're only (almost) 21 Gabby, that is a crazy fear. Maybe so. But I have reasons. I don't trust people. Makes it pretty hard to fall in love. I've been hurt so many times that I'm having a really hard time even wanting to try again. I am not exactly the perfect wife. Yeah I know how to clean. I can keep a house going. I love to cook. All great things. But, honestly I know I'm not easy to deal with. I have medical problems. Not things that will go away. I am sick all of the time. Constantly in and out of the Doctors office. I don't want to do all of it. I can't expect anyone to volunteer for it. I have nightmares. Every night. Ha. We won't even go there right now. I could go on with my reasons. But it wouldn't be helpful so I think I will stop with that one. 
I have a baby currently making it monsterously hard to type in my lap. See he spent most of the day screaming. Because he doeesn't like the bottle. Or anything but mommy. So it makes for some extremely long long days here. Today was one of those long days. It isn't over yet. But now he is not crying. Just being wiggly. SO I can't complain too much. 
I'm trying to give up caffeine. Just to prove the point that "I don't have a problem with caffeine, I have a problem without it." I have been taking headache pills as often as is safe to battle the looming migraines. I know. I know. That just means I'm addicted to it. But I'm also ADD. So it tends to calm me down. I'm a little jumpy as of late. With everything going on. So this could be really fun. . . . Or not. I guess only time will tell. 
After I get off Pepsi. I hope to go an entire month without soda. At least that is my plan. I will have to wait and see. For someone who doesn't eat. Soda becomes a large portion of my calories. SO this could be interesting. Over the weekend I lost 7lbs. So I've got to try harder at keeping stuff in me if I give up soda. 
I'm off to dinner with my Mom and Nephews. I'm sure I will have a lot to write about it :) 

Tidbits on my Mind.

I don't think I mentioned in my last post that Teal is in California for a month... Well 5 weeks actually and still another 4 to go. Honestly I'm happy she got the chance to go. I hope she has a blast. But, I'm annoyed at that fact that she thinks it's okay to just drop me. It's not. That's on her. Not me. I need to find a way passed it. It just isn't that easy. 


I am an extremely sensitive person. As I've shared before. I don't often show my feelings. But that doesn't mean they don't exist. I find it easier to smile than it is to cry. So I smile. Even when it hurts. I smile. It's becoming harder to do. But I won't give up. I won't stop smiling. If I do. Then there will be reason to worry. 

A Change of Pace

 I've spent a lot of time writing about the bad lately. Maybe too much? Life isn't all bad. These are some photos my friend Teal and I took back in April. 

 Lots of silliness involved in a day with us two. :) 

 My Grandpa calls me Hollywood... I have no idea why! 

Hahaha don't ask.  

 If your first thought is "Gabby, what on earth are you doing up there? You are going to get hurt." That is a valid assessment. But I didn't get hurt. And it made for some cute pictures! 

 We had so much fun taking these pictures and the lighting was perfect. 

  Our personalities fit together perfectly most of the time. Never a dull moment. 

 We get asked if we are sisters all of the time. :) I don't mind the compliment. Teal is so pretty. 

 I was telling her something, I can't even remember what. But she snapped the photo at the perfect time!

See perfect lighting! I love the way this picture looks. 

Teal is most definitely a great friend when she wants to be. And we always have a blast. I love talking to her. She is just awesome.

The Princess is in trouble, in a tower guarded by a fire breathing dragon named Frodi. Before the Prince can rescue her he has to slash through a three headed dog. He makes it to the dragons lair where he has to sing to put Frodi to sleep. After slashing through scales and piercing to his heart, he kills Frodi and gains passage to the Princess. They marry and live happily ever after. 
This is the best bedtime story I have ever heard. My L told it to me the other night. Like I talked about in the last post. That relationship isn't like the one with Teal. I'm scared of the friendship. But I'm fine being completely open. Things happen and I want to tell her. It all is new to me. But I think I will keep trying instead of hiding. See I've tried the hiding thing and it always ends the same. But I haven't tried the sticking it out through my fear thing. The few people in my life that I do trust, it has taken me awhile to trust. So being able to trust her completely right away.... It just scares me. But I'm trying it. I'm a very determined person when I want to be. And I want to be about this. Here is to adventure. To expanding. TO finding who I am again.

Sparkles and glitter- it's what I say to myself anytime I start to get upset now. Because that's what I want to be. Not this dark and scary person. But when you are dark and scary. It becomes really hard to maintain a sparkles and glitter disguise. But I'm trying. Which is all I can do, right? It's all any of us can do.

Mine

Feelings. Not something that comes easy for me to express. I don't like to cry. I refuse to be angry. I smile a lot of the time. Because I don't want anyone else to see what I'm feeling inside. This is where I can be completely open. I can be me. I can say what I want and what I need. Because this is my place. My feelings can be poured into my posts and no one gets to argue. No one can tell me I can't say that. No one can tell me my feelings are wrong. Because they are mine. My head is so cloudy. I can't stop my mind. It's just racing. I'm feeling a little bit crazy. So I need to let what is at the front out because I can't keep it all in any longer.


My answer will always be "I'm fine" no matter what is going on. Most people accept that. But there are those people who know me deeper than the service. Not very many. But the few. I don't trust people easily. Mainly because I have been hurt way too much and I'm tired of feeling that way. I know that people will let me down. That I will be hurt by everyone at some point. That isn't really what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the intentional hurt. The avoidable hurt. So I block myself off. I stopped letting anyone in. 
Then someone walks into my life and like nothing I trust her. Which isn't normal for me. But I learned to just go with it. I opened up even though it scared me. I opened up. Now my life is upside down. And I can't say what I want to her. I can't open up about this part. I'm tired of letting people down. I don't like people worrying about me. I don't feel I deserve it. 
I'm not entirely sure I know how to be loved without being hurt. I don't know how to accept it. I'm used to harsh. I know that there are people who love me. But they do it in their own strange way. So having people love me by choice. Not expecting anything from me. Just pure honest love. It scares me. Wanting what is best for me. Not what works for them. Scares me. 
Right now I want to run. It might not be what's best for me. It's taking all of my energy not to. I want to box in. To lock up again. To shut down. Block myself out from everyone else. I don't want to be a burden. Right now. I want to run. Right now. I don't have a reason not to hide. Right now. I feel like a burden, and I'm sorry. 

The Power.

I've been awake all night. Awake and alone. He doesn't get to have that power. He doesn't get to stand me up on purpose because he was upset I didn't text him back last week. He doesn't get to act like I'm the bad guy here. He doesn't get power. I'm working really hard at not giving him that power anyway. And honestly I'm kind of failing right now.

I just went out to watch the sunrise. I thought it would help. Because it meant yesterday was over. It meant a new day had begun. It should have made me feel better right? Instead I was standing outside on the trampoline in my footy pajama's crying. There is frost on the ground. My hair was wet still from the bath I took trying to calm myself down enough to sleep.. I was freezing. But I stood there. Because at some point I knew that it had to make me feel better. But it didn't. Now I'm just cold and upset. And I'm letting him have that power.

I should be upset. I have every right to be upset. But I still hate being upset for some guy. I really hate crying. No, I really really hate crying.

This guy wasn't my guy. Well he was in a way. But I didn't want a relationship with him. I didn't want to go on dates. Because I was scared. I was afraid that he would leave me once he really got to know me. I was scared that he wouldn't love me for me. That because I'm not perfect he would leave. And yeah if he did he wouldn't have deserved me. Right. But that wasn't my concern. I would rather spend all my time trying to convince myself that I didn't care. I tried and I tried. I thought maybe it was working. Until he wanted more. He wanted a date. I wanted him to be happy. I agreed to the date with a smile. I let myself get excited about the date. I did my hair. I got dressed all cute and date like. And he didn't show. He didn't respond to me for 4 hours. And then to tell me he stood me up on purpose. Because he is a jerk. I know it. And yet I'm still hurt. He changed the rules and I'm the one hurt.

I can't handle anyone else changing the rules right now.
I can't handle anyone else leaving right now.
I've had enough of that for one week.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

Everything.

I don't know everything. I won't claim to know everything. I try not to act like I know everything. And I shouldn't be expected to know everything. I'm not a doormat. Really. I'm not a the friend who is okay being there only when it's convenient for you. I never will be. I never will be okay with being made to feel less than human. I don't know anyone who will. 


I've had a hard couple of weeks. Too much for me to get into on here. Too personal. But it's been very one step forward 3 steps back. I'm starting to see the end of this tunnel. But I'm not out of it yet. I don't think that I will ever be the person that every expects me to be. That's hard for me. I wish I could please everyone. But I'm slowly realizing that all I get from trying is a downward spiral. Just when I think I've hit rock bottom the floor falls out again. I can't take it much longer. I need stability. I need to not be on a constant roller coaster of emotion. I need to be okay.


Tonight really I just need to know that I'm not as alone as I feel. 
I need to know that I can not be "fine" and still be okay. 
I need a hug.
I need to clear my head. 

Here I am.

As I sit here. In my nice room. Alone. Loving every minute of my alone time. Just trying to get better. But at the same tim. I'm finding I think too much. I over analyze life. I find that I've spent so much time keeping everything in my head that now that I'm letting little pieces of my out I'm not able to hold myself together as well. I'm not able to not randomly blurt out things that shouldn't be said to the world. I'm still learning who I am. Where my place is. But, it isn't very easy to figure out. 

Discovery.

I spent the entire evening in the ER. I'm exhausted and rather frustrated.
I'm spending this weekend recovering and discovering myself. Just me. A few books. Lots of gatorade. And maybe some beef jerky. I need to find me. Simply me. Not who they think I should be. Or who I might pretend to be. Just the root of me. Just who God wants me to be. I can't do that in the middle of all  this chaos. I won't promise to post this weekend. But, I will sure try. I may be passed out because it will be the first time in a quiet room alone for me in... months.... I'm very blessed. Very thankful for the wonderful person who gave me this :).  

i am not a strawberry.

No. Really, I'm not.
I'm not a doormat.
I'm not a punching bag.
I'm not someone you can use.
I'm not a "convenient friend".
I'm not a 24/7 fix all.
I'm not perfect.
I'm not always rational.
I'm not usually a social person.
I'm not invisible.
I'm not stupid.
I'm not tough skinned person.
I'm not going to be able to do this on my own.
I'm not brave.
But most of all...
I'm not okay. And I wish some people would realize that.