Thursday, May 31, 2012


I hate change. Really. I don't hate many things. But change is one of them. Unexpected change. Yeah... I don't do well with at all. I like schedules. I like to know what I need to do everyday and make a plan. Maybe not down to the minute. But I do better when it is. I like knowing who will be where when. I can't handle unknown situations. I don't completely avoid them anymore. But there is usually at least one meltdown before and after because it causes me so much stress. I try not to stress about things outside of my control. But I haven't quite gotten it down yet. I am better about not having to control the entire world. But I still like to be in control. Of everything. I don't like to say no to people. I do it very rarely. Even if I may not want to do something. I want to help. Usually it ends up harming me so it's not always a good quality. I am afraid to end up alone. Ha you're only (almost) 21 Gabby, that is a crazy fear. Maybe so. But I have reasons. I don't trust people. Makes it pretty hard to fall in love. I've been hurt so many times that I'm having a really hard time even wanting to try again. I am not exactly the perfect wife. Yeah I know how to clean. I can keep a house going. I love to cook. All great things. But, honestly I know I'm not easy to deal with. I have medical problems. Not things that will go away. I am sick all of the time. Constantly in and out of the Doctors office. I don't want to do all of it. I can't expect anyone to volunteer for it. I have nightmares. Every night. Ha. We won't even go there right now. I could go on with my reasons. But it wouldn't be helpful so I think I will stop with that one. 
I have a baby currently making it monsterously hard to type in my lap. See he spent most of the day screaming. Because he doeesn't like the bottle. Or anything but mommy. So it makes for some extremely long long days here. Today was one of those long days. It isn't over yet. But now he is not crying. Just being wiggly. SO I can't complain too much. 
I'm trying to give up caffeine. Just to prove the point that "I don't have a problem with caffeine, I have a problem without it." I have been taking headache pills as often as is safe to battle the looming migraines. I know. I know. That just means I'm addicted to it. But I'm also ADD. So it tends to calm me down. I'm a little jumpy as of late. With everything going on. So this could be really fun. . . . Or not. I guess only time will tell. 
After I get off Pepsi. I hope to go an entire month without soda. At least that is my plan. I will have to wait and see. For someone who doesn't eat. Soda becomes a large portion of my calories. SO this could be interesting. Over the weekend I lost 7lbs. So I've got to try harder at keeping stuff in me if I give up soda. 
I'm off to dinner with my Mom and Nephews. I'm sure I will have a lot to write about it :) 

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