Sunday, May 27, 2012

The Power.

I've been awake all night. Awake and alone. He doesn't get to have that power. He doesn't get to stand me up on purpose because he was upset I didn't text him back last week. He doesn't get to act like I'm the bad guy here. He doesn't get power. I'm working really hard at not giving him that power anyway. And honestly I'm kind of failing right now.

I just went out to watch the sunrise. I thought it would help. Because it meant yesterday was over. It meant a new day had begun. It should have made me feel better right? Instead I was standing outside on the trampoline in my footy pajama's crying. There is frost on the ground. My hair was wet still from the bath I took trying to calm myself down enough to sleep.. I was freezing. But I stood there. Because at some point I knew that it had to make me feel better. But it didn't. Now I'm just cold and upset. And I'm letting him have that power.

I should be upset. I have every right to be upset. But I still hate being upset for some guy. I really hate crying. No, I really really hate crying.

This guy wasn't my guy. Well he was in a way. But I didn't want a relationship with him. I didn't want to go on dates. Because I was scared. I was afraid that he would leave me once he really got to know me. I was scared that he wouldn't love me for me. That because I'm not perfect he would leave. And yeah if he did he wouldn't have deserved me. Right. But that wasn't my concern. I would rather spend all my time trying to convince myself that I didn't care. I tried and I tried. I thought maybe it was working. Until he wanted more. He wanted a date. I wanted him to be happy. I agreed to the date with a smile. I let myself get excited about the date. I did my hair. I got dressed all cute and date like. And he didn't show. He didn't respond to me for 4 hours. And then to tell me he stood me up on purpose. Because he is a jerk. I know it. And yet I'm still hurt. He changed the rules and I'm the one hurt.

I can't handle anyone else changing the rules right now.
I can't handle anyone else leaving right now.
I've had enough of that for one week.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

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