Feelings. Not something that comes easy for me to express. I don't like to cry. I refuse to be angry. I smile a lot of the time. Because I don't want anyone else to see what I'm feeling inside. This is where I can be completely open. I can be me. I can say what I want and what I need. Because this is my place. My feelings can be poured into my posts and no one gets to argue. No one can tell me I can't say that. No one can tell me my feelings are wrong. Because they are mine. My head is so cloudy. I can't stop my mind. It's just racing. I'm feeling a little bit crazy. So I need to let what is at the front out because I can't keep it all in any longer.
My answer will always be "I'm fine" no matter what is going on. Most people accept that. But there are those people who know me deeper than the service. Not very many. But the few. I don't trust people easily. Mainly because I have been hurt way too much and I'm tired of feeling that way. I know that people will let me down. That I will be hurt by everyone at some point. That isn't really what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the intentional hurt. The avoidable hurt. So I block myself off. I stopped letting anyone in.
Then someone walks into my life and like nothing I trust her. Which isn't normal for me. But I learned to just go with it. I opened up even though it scared me. I opened up. Now my life is upside down. And I can't say what I want to her. I can't open up about this part. I'm tired of letting people down. I don't like people worrying about me. I don't feel I deserve it.
I'm not entirely sure I know how to be loved without being hurt. I don't know how to accept it. I'm used to harsh. I know that there are people who love me. But they do it in their own strange way. So having people love me by choice. Not expecting anything from me. Just pure honest love. It scares me. Wanting what is best for me. Not what works for them. Scares me.
Right now I want to run. It might not be what's best for me. It's taking all of my energy not to. I want to box in. To lock up again. To shut down. Block myself out from everyone else. I don't want to be a burden. Right now. I want to run. Right now. I don't have a reason not to hide. Right now. I feel like a burden, and I'm sorry.