Pleurisy

Yes. Yes. I really am a nightmare. I spent Saturday night in the ER, the one here in town :O! I was in so much pain I didn't care where we went. I just needed to be relieved! I spent a good hour before we went writhing on the couch, it was awful. Well I actually was pleased with the outcome from the ER. N0rmally when I go in I don't come out with any answers, just a whole bunch of new medication. Well this time we got answers! I have Pleurisy. Pleurisy: Inflammation of the pleura, the linings surrounding the lungs. There are two layers of pleura; one covering the lung and the other covering the inner wall of the chest. These two layers are lubricated by pleural fluid. Pleurisy is frequently associated with a pleural effusion (the accumulation of extra fluid in the space between the two layers of pleura). Pleurisy causes a stabbing pain in the chest aggravated by breathing, chest tenderness, cough, and shortness of breath. Pleurisy can be caused by many conditions. Well while me having it is not good news. Knowing what the problem is, is great news.

I'm on a lot of pain medicine. It helps. But makes me feel yucky. So I've spent a lot of the time since we left the ER on the couch with a hot pack. I called out of work yesterday, but today decided to try it, I almost made it for half my shift, but my manager saw I wasn't feeling well and sent me home. So I've had so much needed rest and will try again tomorrow. I really am liking being back to work. It keeps me busy.
My only day offf this week is wednesday. I'm working friday night 10-6 at the nursing home. Then saturday going with my Church to Lagoon. Last time I went, was back when I was very depressed, and it just was not fun. Not to mention, I love to ride rides, ALL of them, well turns out after having all this medical stuff happen, I black out any time I go upside down. Takes out the fun of the ride. :(. Well I will try it again. Hope you all are well. I need to be getting to bed. I will blog again real soon *Gabs

Secrets

I hate secrets.
HATE them.
Everything about them.
I hate having to keep secrets.
I hate that everyone feels the need
to tell me their secrets.


I hate that I blabbed
I really shouldn't have.
I hate that
I'm so hard
on myself,
I really shouldn't be.

I do like,
writing like this.
It adds something.
to the nothing
I feel the need
to blog about.

Tonight,
tonight I'm hurting.
last night,
last night I bawled.
I bawled
when I read
these,
in an email
from a dear friend

"Courage Is" by The Strange FamiliarTake all my viscous words and turn them into something good take all my preconceptions and let the truth be understoodTake all my prized possessions and leave only what I needTake all my pieces of doubt and let me be what's underneathCourage is when you're afraid but you keep on moving anywayCourage is when you're in pain but you keep on living anywayWe all have excuses why living in fear something in us diesLike a bird with broken wings, its not how high he flies but the song he singsCourage is when you're afraid but you keep on moving anywayCourage is when you're in pain but you keep on living anywaykeep on living anywayIt's not how many times you've been knocked downIt's how many times you get back upCourage is when you've lost your way but you found your strength anywayCourage is when you're afraid Courage is when it all seems greyCourage is when you make a change and you keep on living anywayYou keep on moving anywayYou keep on giving anywayYou keep on loving anyway

the dear friend
told me
I am courage
i
don't believe her.
maybe I should.


All I know
is
right now
i'm hurting
a hurt
that needs a bandaid.
a bandaid
for my heart.
do you
happen to
have one?
*Gabby

Gabby who?

Sorry. I needed a break from everything. Since I can't take a break from everything, I took a break from blogging. Did it help? NO. But it didn't make it worse. I wrote a post on everything I'm feeling, then I deleted it. The words just weren't right. They weren't from me, at least not the me I want people to know. The real me has been masked by all the crap that has been pushed upon me. I don't like it! My world has come crashing down around me and I don't know how to function with out the walls I had built. Even though I wasn't happy with how my life was, I could pretend, I could hold it together. Now I'm a mess, I have to stay focused or I start crying. I hate crying, it makes me feel so weak. I am weak. But I don't like to show it.
I ache. I ache because I know everything I've gone through and am currently going through hurts the people who care about me so much. I don't like other people to hurt or worry on my behalf. I don't like to see other people cry. I know my negativity doesn't help either. But I try. I try to have a positive attitude towards life. But right now this is the best I can give, that doesn't have to be okay, you don't have to like me, but that's just the way it is going to be. Less then 2 weeks ago I was planning on killing myself, no one can expect me to be perfectly happy right now, that's not the way life works. I know what I'm going through may seem like nothing compared to what someone else may be going through, but we all react different to different situations. Don't judge me for how I'm handling what has been laid upon my shoulders. You have never been in my situation at least not exactly the same, and can't know how you would react to all the stuff I have to deal with on a daily basis.
I've been having chest pain at night, horrible chest pains. They're so bad I can't move. It's most likely anxiety. I didn't realize that could happen, for one to have so much anxiety it physically hurts. AND let me tell you... I don't like it!
One day. Thats all I want. One day without nausea or pain. AM I being selfish? Asking too much? Being too demanding? I don't think so.
I feel so alone. I know that other people unerstand how I feel to a point, but honestly, it doesn't help to know that. It doesn't help to have people take pity on me. It just makes me feel more alone an hurt more knowing the pain that others feel. I don't feel like I "fit in" anywhere. Not at home, Church. out with my friends.
SPeaking of friends. I have this friend. Lets call him C. Well C has been my best friend for years! I love C and not just as a friend, I would drop everything for C. C has never shown any interest in me. Well just before I went into the mental hospital, C informed me that he is gay. Uhm WOW maybe you could just shoot me because seriously it would hurt less. But if I was honest with myself I would have to say that part of me kinda guessed he might be, and thats why I was able to let myself love him, I knew he would never love me back. I don't really know what to do now. I feel crushed.
Now at church, we recently got a new youth Pastor. Well him and his wife are sooo nice. His wife lets call her J understands alot of what I'm going through mentally. She doesn't push me to tell her what I feel, and knows about my issues with trust. J just makes sure I know she is always there when I am ready to talk, that, that helps.
All of you guys help too, reading your comments and/or blogs. Its the little thing like that that really make a difference.... I need to go help make dinner. *Gabby

"How long wilt thou forget me, oh Lord? How long wilt thou hide thy face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? How long shall mine enemy be exalted over me? Consider and hear me, O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death; Lest mine enemy say , I have prevailed against him: and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved. But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation. I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me." Psalms 13.

With out that chapter of the Bible I don't know that I would have made it through these last few days.

Before I give my explaination to where I've been this last week, let me say I'm so sorry. I had a melt down. I let everyone in my life down. It's not okay. I'm not okay. I've read through all of the comments and I have to say I'm surprised. I honestly didn't know I had that many readers that honestly care about me. It's nice. I feel all alone. Nobody really understands exactly what I'm going through. A few people come close, it's not just the medical stuff either. Its all of life. Life hurts. It shouldn't all the time but it does. I'm learning how to cope with it.

Okay... Explaination~
Well last Monday, at an appointment with my psychologist, she asked, (wait we need to move back a few more days to Friday- at a different appointment with the same psychologist, I told her I was having suicidal thoughts, not because I wanted to, because I suck at lying so I don't. So she called my mom, my mom called my Pastor, there was a big fuss. It all made me feel so much worse. It all just sat inside me through the weekend, getting worse and worse. (Now we can move back to monday) ) if I was still having suicidal thoughts. Which I was, more then thoughts, I knew how I was gonna do it, just hadn't yet. Again me being an awful liar, she found that out. Me not willing to promise I could be safe at home, got myself sent to the ER and then to an inpatient psych hospital. And thats where I've been for the last week.

I will blog more tomorrow. *Gabby

About Gab's

Salutations to all of Gabby's readers,
My name is Courtney I'm Gab's friend, right now she is currently hospitalized and has asked that I update her blog so here goes.
She's not doing so well, she's depressed and the only day she stopped pretending to be okay. I as her best friend, didn't really see THIS coming, I knew something was unwinding but I never expected it to be depression. She's stronger than she knows, and I wish she could see that. I'm upset and angry because I feel like I wasn't good enough to make her better again, and that makes me wonder if I'm actually a good friend or not, but Gab's is still alive and that's a miracle in itself, so I'm still standing on that comforting thought.
Well I went at this hoping to inform you about GAbby-Ella* but I guess I just used her blog to vent, huh.
Please continue praying for Gabby, and her health. The doctor did some previously schedueled tests today, I suppose they went well. I think she's on-track as far as her surgeries are concerned, I just pray she'll be alright mentally.
Keep her in all your prayers!
love her friend,
Courtney

tonight

I can never think of the right words to start a post. I want them to be perfect, something that makes one think. But I just don't have those words in me.

The words in me are of pain and anger. I hurt, alot. All the time actually. I hurt when I breathe, eat, sleep, and think. I do not want to live. Call me whatever you want for that, but its true.

I feel like I've let everyone down. Like I'm supposed to be some strong person that never falls apart. But now I'm in pieces. I can't put myself back together. I've forgotten how to be happy. How to not have to force myself to laugh so others don't see my pain.

Even though there's people all around me wanting to help I feel alone. Everyone has pain. Everyone has suffering. But I am unable to deal with mine.

I'm not gonna do anything to end my life tonight. I promised I wouldn't. But this is whats on my heart and mind. This is how I feel. And try as I might I can't change it.

Yeah...

AWFUL!!!! I ah just awful. I went on a date and it was horrible! He kissed me and it was horrible. My first kissed was supposed to be perfect. But instead it was awful like everything else in my life....

I have something I really need to blog about. But I'm not really sure how to. It hurts to hold it in, it hurts to let it out. It just hurts.