Monday, August 24, 2009

Gabby who?

Sorry. I needed a break from everything. Since I can't take a break from everything, I took a break from blogging. Did it help? NO. But it didn't make it worse. I wrote a post on everything I'm feeling, then I deleted it. The words just weren't right. They weren't from me, at least not the me I want people to know. The real me has been masked by all the crap that has been pushed upon me. I don't like it! My world has come crashing down around me and I don't know how to function with out the walls I had built. Even though I wasn't happy with how my life was, I could pretend, I could hold it together. Now I'm a mess, I have to stay focused or I start crying. I hate crying, it makes me feel so weak. I am weak. But I don't like to show it.
I ache. I ache because I know everything I've gone through and am currently going through hurts the people who care about me so much. I don't like other people to hurt or worry on my behalf. I don't like to see other people cry. I know my negativity doesn't help either. But I try. I try to have a positive attitude towards life. But right now this is the best I can give, that doesn't have to be okay, you don't have to like me, but that's just the way it is going to be. Less then 2 weeks ago I was planning on killing myself, no one can expect me to be perfectly happy right now, that's not the way life works. I know what I'm going through may seem like nothing compared to what someone else may be going through, but we all react different to different situations. Don't judge me for how I'm handling what has been laid upon my shoulders. You have never been in my situation at least not exactly the same, and can't know how you would react to all the stuff I have to deal with on a daily basis.
I've been having chest pain at night, horrible chest pains. They're so bad I can't move. It's most likely anxiety. I didn't realize that could happen, for one to have so much anxiety it physically hurts. AND let me tell you... I don't like it!
One day. Thats all I want. One day without nausea or pain. AM I being selfish? Asking too much? Being too demanding? I don't think so.
I feel so alone. I know that other people unerstand how I feel to a point, but honestly, it doesn't help to know that. It doesn't help to have people take pity on me. It just makes me feel more alone an hurt more knowing the pain that others feel. I don't feel like I "fit in" anywhere. Not at home, Church. out with my friends.
SPeaking of friends. I have this friend. Lets call him C. Well C has been my best friend for years! I love C and not just as a friend, I would drop everything for C. C has never shown any interest in me. Well just before I went into the mental hospital, C informed me that he is gay. Uhm WOW maybe you could just shoot me because seriously it would hurt less. But if I was honest with myself I would have to say that part of me kinda guessed he might be, and thats why I was able to let myself love him, I knew he would never love me back. I don't really know what to do now. I feel crushed.
Now at church, we recently got a new youth Pastor. Well him and his wife are sooo nice. His wife lets call her J understands alot of what I'm going through mentally. She doesn't push me to tell her what I feel, and knows about my issues with trust. J just makes sure I know she is always there when I am ready to talk, that, that helps.
All of you guys help too, reading your comments and/or blogs. Its the little thing like that that really make a difference.... I need to go help make dinner. *Gabby

1 comment:

rabidbutterfly said...

Hey! I have to tell you, I don't read your stuff with pity, I read it with understanding. And I know you've read mine, this isn't people feeling sorry for themselves, it's being honest, and I commend you for that.
I wouldn't write much of what I do if for one second I thought that most of my family, or even a couple of friends, would read it.
Because they would respond with either pity or judgement. I'm not particularly fond of those, either...
I'm really serious, TALK TO ME if you need. I'm here.
I have yet to go a day without the pain...or the thought "What if they came home and found something horrible?" I know what it's like to feel guilty.