Thursday, June 18, 2009

2 weeks....

In two weeks from today I will be 18, oh goodness! Can I just say I'm scared out of my mind. Honestly I "grew up" a long time ago, but actually being an adult, wow. There's so many choices I have to make for the rest of my life, am I ready? I don't feel ready. I feel that I'm still a kid who just wants to be a kid. I've never been the one who couldn't wait to turn 18 , and I'm not sure I want it. But there's a lot of stuff in my life right now that I don't want. I have two Doctors appointments on my birthday. Sounds fun right. For the very first time I will get to sign myself into the hospital. Woo hoo. No. Wait that doesn't sound like a very fun birthday. I'm so tired of doing what needs to be done. I want to do what I want just for one day. No medicine four times a day no PICC line. Just me, being seen ad me not some sick person. Did I mention before that I now weigh 120.6lbs? OH MY GOODNESS! I can't exactly say I'm happy about it. Gain 30lbs and trust me you feel fat. I know I'm not, but my clothes don't fit right and I'm just not thrilled with anything right now. I really need to get all this stuff done to start the rest of my life but I don't want to. I want the last year of my life back. I want to not have to worry about all. Like where do I want to go to college? I'm going to start here in town but after that where to? I don't really even know my options. Guess that's what happens when you're always in the hospital. I could do it through the college here in town but that would mean doing things at the hospital here in town and I REALLY don't want that. My Aunt wants me to go to Casper and live with her but I'm not sure I want that. But maybe I do. It's all just too much to take in right now. Maybe tomorrow morning I will go down and enroll in some classes. Maybe not. I think I might have a stomach bug. I'm so use to being nauseous that I don't know anymore. I didn't get dressed today. Didn't feel like it. Didn't even want to get out of bed. But I did. I'm just so confused and frustrated right now. I wake up in the morning hoping for the day to pass quickly so I can go back to bed. I don't want to be here right now. Or anywhere really. The weather isn't helping any either. Its been so rainy. Everyday. I hate it. Being outside would be a nice distraction right now. But instead I sit curled up under a blanket, as the rain hits the house so hard you can hardly hear anything else. I've been reading all day, and I think I will now return to my book. Live someone elses life for a few moments. *Gabby


rabidbutterfly said...

Casper, as in Wyoming? I've spent a bit of time there in my life...none recently, tho. Mostly as a child.

I feel for you, I really do. I have spent the last two years of my life sick, am just now getting to the point where I can enjoy things again.
I know what it's like to be afraid of ending up in the hospital again.

I'm here for you, if you need to talk.


Nicole said...

Whatcha reading?