worried

I don't want to talk. That scares me. I'm almost always talking, to people, Wookie, myself, pop cans. I even sometimes talk when people are talking to me. I say what they're saying to myself, if I'm not paying attention my lips move.

SO I'm worried.

Here We Are

So, here I am once again. Alone, blogging. It hurts. I'm hungry, but do you think there is any food here for me? NOPE. Figures. The only times I feel like eating, there is nothing to eat.
AH, nevermind.

Belonging...

My Bestie was talking about fitting in on her blog... Here http://elferingewort.blogspot.com/
It got me thinking- where do I fit? Most of my friends are still in high school. Or way older with kids. I really don't fit with them. Rebekah, I fit with her, but she's hundreds of miles away, so it makes things difficult. Really have no friends in town my age. Not to say I don't love the friend I do have to pieces, but they're either worried about boys or kids. That's not me. Now I do like boys, a lot. But they aren't my focus in life. But what is my focus? School? Church? Wookie? All great things, especially the last :) but, things just don't fit. I don't like being the odd one out all the time. No, that's not right. I despise being the odd one out all the time. I understand boys, I understand kids. I can carry a convo about either. But Is it what I want? No. Okay, this may not make sense to all of you but, I'm a triangle. My life, my feelings. Let me explain: One side of me wants to deal with things, one wants to hide, one refuses to deal with anything. I'm sharp around the edges. Especially where the side come together. Make sense? Well Triangles don't fit well with circles. They tend to pop them actually. Is this a depression thing? No. It's a life thing. I don't like feeling out of place. But everywhere I go, that's how I feel. At home, well it's all about the boys, no matter what's going on. It's about them. At work, as much as I love my job, I feel like I'm not reaching my full potential, like something's missing. At Church, this is hard to explain. Besides the fact that there is NO one there my age. All are either younger or older and married. I still, well I can't handle it. During the sermon I'm fine. But after of before, when everyone is talking I start to lose it. All the noise. All the people, even though I know them, I don't handle it very well. It takes all my strength not to sit down and cry. I don't like being around people. Not one bit. I hate going to the store by myself. Hardly ever happens. Church, I'm not by myself, but yet, I'm all alone. No one gets what I'm feeling, if they even know at all...

I feel like I never do anything right. I can do exactly what I'm asked, and still somehow it;s wrong. I don't get it.

Honestly, I'm giving up, slowly, but I can feel it happening. Not really in a depression way. At least not the kind of depression I've experienced before. I don't know how to explain it really. It's like, no one cares that I'm trying, so why bother? I know I shouldn't base how I feel one what other people think. And I'm not really. I am so proud of myself for this last semester. Really. But, feeling that no one else really is. That's hard, and hurtful. When you're doing something for someone else, it seems to be easier. But to do it for yourself, that's pretty hard. Yes, I want to make myself better. But so I want to make myself better for me? Not really. It makes no difference where you are on the pole if at the end of the day you have no one to celebrate with.... Does it?

I'm so frustrated with life right now. I don't know what to do, where to turn. Everyone keeps telling me I have time, I'll figure it out. But do I? Will I? What if I don't? What if life just passes me by? What then? What if I choose one path and end up hating it? DO I have the time or strength to move to another? I wish someone would just tell me what to do. Or at least help me decide. I don't want anymore you'll figure it out's. I'm over that.

I'm stuck in a box. Alone with my nightmares, in a box. It's not where I want to be, it's not where anyone would want to be. But I can't seem to get out. As a child were you ever locked in a box? Someone talks you into getting in and then sits on top and won't let you out? Well that's how it feels, except someone forced me in and now won't let me out. It's pretty miserable here. It's 23o and I'm still awake. I don't want to sleep. I know what's coming. I know that they are only dreams. Nothing that happens will actually hurt me. But, they still scare me. Leave me anxious. Make me think more. Most thinking, is okay. But the thinking after a nightmare? Not so much. I hate them. I hate them. I HATE THEM!

So, I'm hearing from different people that verbalizing them may be able to help. SO I'm gonna try it. I'm up anyway right? Not the whole thing, just part of it. My nightmares have been increasing, so the content is wider. This particular one take place in a tree house. Kinda similar to scenes in Avatar. Quite a lot like the movie actually. But, what would be the Avatars, are all the Doctor who did this to me. Me and a bunch of people I care about are prisoners there. Then, he comes in with a gun and just starts shooting, killing the people I'm with. I start running. I'm in the forest, I can hear these creatures all around me....

Okay, that's enough. I can feel my anxiety increasing already. I don't think that's gonna help me sleep. Which, I actually need to try and do as it's not that long before I need to be up... Night all...

It's like....

Well first off I wanted to reply to Nicoles comment: thank you so much for your concern. I am seeing a Psychologist, every week. The eating problems are caused by months of not being able to eat anything more than ice chips. And my stomach always being full of bile. The nightmares are from the PTSD. One of the many symptoms of the PTSD. The chronic pain, well it's chronic pain. Something that I am learning to deal with. I also have many other medical problems that come and go that can cause pain. The depression, it is under control. Really. I know it may not seem it. But it is. I still have hard days/weeks, but overall, it's better. I'm actually tapering off my anti-depressants, so the days are a bit harder. But I really don't need them anymore and once they're out of my system I will be good. I'm sure.

Nightmares, well they STINK. Really. As all of you know this, I'm sure. Nightmares every night, well, I don't even know how to describe this. I'm afraid to go to sleep. I'm afraid of the dark. I'm afraid of the light. Where do you turn when it all scares you? Along with the nightmares, I also have what you could call daymares? Waking nightmares? Flashbacks?...

More to come...

Forgetting the Days.

I looked and realized I hadn't blogged in nearly two weeks. Not because I haven't had anything to say. Oh boy, dead wrong. But because I've been in this funk. Not a good funk either. I cry, a lot. Being with most anyone is really hard. I rarely sleep, when I do I have awful nightmares. So why try? Eating, well it comes and goes. I've written a few half posts. But they never seem just right, you know? The words I want to say. Well they aren't nice. They aren't what people want to hear. They aren't what I want to think. Truthfully, I'm at the end of my rope. I don't think I can come back for letting go again, if it happens. This morning, I was in tears, because my mom put my head band somewhere and doesn't remember where. Okay, rationally I could say to my self, Gabby, it's just a headband you can make a new one. But my head just wasn't having it. I wanted my headband. It's a comfort to me. I have 2 different ones that I've made and I wear one everyday. I'm so stuck together with duck tape right now, that when something isn't the "right" way, I fall apart. Which brings me back to my funk. Well, this funk is caused by my mom, and my nephews. They(my nephews) are walking all over me and my mom doesn't do jack about it. Then when I punish them, she gets mad at me. Okay, this isn't working for me. I tend to buy a lot of candy. Candy that I have no problem sharing. But, I do have a problem with little hands stealing it. Stealing is wrong. They have been stealing from me constantly for about a year now. Finally, in January, when they took my cell phone, my mom said I could take their DS's. They became mine to do what I pleased with. Well I decided to let them earn them back. If they didn't steal for a month, from me, they could have them back. They did this. Then they got it for one day a week for every week they didn't steal. If they did steal, they became grounded for 1 week and had to start all over with the week=day thing. Fair right? Well, they stole a bunch of my candy. If they would have asked for it, they could have had it, but they stole it, so I stuck to the agreement from the beginning. The lost their DS's. I was giving them a lecture. Not even yelling. Explaining again that stealing was wrong. That if they kept it up I was gonna sell their DS's to pay for the candy they were eating, AND they would get a spanking. Well, this, for some reason, pissed my mom off. Right after I was leaving for Church, asked her to grab Wookie so he didn't run out with me. She tell Zane to put him in his kennel. Uhm, WHAT!?!?!?!? No sorry we aren't gonna do this. I left called my sister to go pick him up and didn't come home until after she went to bed. I'm so done. Really, I can't take anymore of this. She is was texting my sister saying the reason I wouldn't come home and talk to her was because I knew she was disappointed in me. Oh, really. What exactly is it that I did that was so awful mom? Did I not clean up Wookies toys? Leave clothes on the bathroom floor? Or is it that I worked my butt off this last semester trying to pass all my classes? Is it the A's and B's that disappoint her? Or the one D? Well, Guess what? I DON'T care. I'm not doing ANYTHING wrong. Really. I don't strive for her approval. I'm not a politician, I strive for no MANS approval. I do however strive for Gods approval. And guess what? He isn't worried about me not picking up Wookies toys for the 10th time today!!! I was very upset yesterday, for more reasons then all of this. But that's a whole nother post. I left. Didn't know where to go. I just drove. I found myself in the neighborhood I grew up in. Then I parked at the park. Sat there and cried for at least an hour. Where it that freckled face girl that used to smile while swinging with her bestie Rebekah, on the left swing. Where is the laughter that used to fill those streets? Where is the time? I feel robbed. I don't remember most of it. I don't remember most anything anymore. It's not fair. It's not fair. IT'S NOT FAIR.

There is SO much more to this. But it's so late. I don't want her to see the light on and come downstairs. No. Dead wrong. I'll try to post more tomorrow. As the story of my life develops.

Pictures

Show Us Your Life- Future Kid Names

I don't usually participate in this, as I don't have a house, or a husband, or most of the things they do. But today I thought I'd try it out. It's a fun little Thing the Kelly over at www.kellyskornerblog.com Hope you enjoy.


Kids names are something that I've thought about since I was little. When I was younger I swore up and down that I was gonna name my first girl Jadyzia Marie. While I still think it's a fun name, it probably will never be more then an idea. I LOVE big names like mine, Gabrielle Patricia. I'm named after a lady at a gas station(Gabrielle) and my Aunt(Patricia). Evangelyne is one of my favorites! I also love Anabelle, and Ellalyn. BUT I have my heart SET on Jersey Clyde for my first girl. I just adore the name Jersey! And Clyde Is my Grandpas name, my only grandpa, and I love the way they sound together. Then if/when I Have another girl she will be Janie-Lee Fern. Janie-Lee is again just a name I love, and Fern was my dads moms name. I never met her, she died of cancer when my dad was little, but I want to have part of her to "remember".

Boys names, well I love the name Ian-Conner. But really I want my husband to choose them, putting in part of his family to remember.

Well that's all I have. I will be posting picture later of my afternoon with Courtney at the Park! So fun!!!

Bite me!

That's how I feel today. I just want to tell the world "BITE ME". Is life awful? No? Is it a depression thing? Not really. I'm sure it contributes but it isn't that cause. I seriously have spent hours crying yesterday and today. Why? Well, the situation with the Coleman family breaks my heart, it's finals and I'm stressed to my limit. Not sleeping was getting to me. I'm overwhelmed. That's the bottom line. So, I'm an emotional wreck. Normally, I'm an emotional person, I can admit that. Normally, I need things candy-coated or I break down. Normally, when things aren't candy-coated, they don't even have to be rude, I have a meltdown inside. But, I can normally keep it inside. The last couple days, no deal. Anything and everything brings me to tears. I posted on Facebook the laws about service dogs, my moms friends commented on it, I don't even think they were trying to be mean, but I was in tears and deleted it. AH is it them that are stupid or me? Either way, I can't handle it. I know I say that a lot and then end up handling it just fine. But it really feels like I can't handle this. I got some good, "uplifting advice tonight... "push up bra". It made me giggle.

Some days just have the vacuum effect. That's just how the cookie crumbles. But that doesn't mean I like it. Or that it's easy. But, there's always tomorrow. Even though it looks just as bad!

I had the first night of real sleep in weeks last night. Which you'd think would make my emotionalness better. No deal. I still had bad or unpleasant dreams, but they weren't nightmares, they were just not good. Which means, he was still in them, just not holding a knife. AND of all people, Jeannette was in them. She was like my protector. Anytime I would see him, I'd start to freak out, she'd take my hand and lead me away. It was really, just a weird set of dreams. First we were at an hotel. This dream had it's own crazy twist, nope not gonna share, then an amusement park, then church, but not our church, well it was our church but not our building. It was the church I grew up at, but not really. It was significant in the dream. Then I was taking my Algebra final, at the church that is not my church, but was my church, but not really, and the lady who taught my CNA class was my instructor. Yeah, it was just really weird. Then he would show up, and that's when it would change settings. And then there was something about a space station, and soda, and puppies, and babies, an a river, with monsters in it, watching movies with a guy who apparently was my boyfriend, who lost Wookies bone, so I was mad and Wookie was crying. Are you confused now? Oh and being at a gas station, getting drinks, but Stephanie wanted a green one, but the only green was on the bottom, she didn't want one from the bottom because it'd be full of bugs. Yeah. You don't want to be in my dreams. They make no sense. But every time he'd show up, so would J and it wouldn't be as bad. Are you confused now? I sure am! Well, I should get to bed!!! I hope I can sleep again tonight, because if I don't, I can't just watch tv. It's broke. Which is a whole new nightmare waiting to be dreamt .... More to come on this subject.

Jonas

I haven't been able to sleep tonight. I went to bed around 2am. Laid there until 330am. Decided if I wasn't gonna sleep. I might as well get caught up on my blog reading. Now, my heart is heavy. When I was in the hospital, I had very good care. But there were about 5 people who really made an impact, I still keep in touch with all of them. One of whom is Whit. He was an amazing Tech. In college to become a nurse. He is married and has a little boy, Jonas. Jonas has what is called SMA I don't know a lot about it but from what I understand, his muscle shut down, little by little. It's terminal. They found this out when he was 6 weeks old. He is now 2 1/2. It's pretty amazing that Jonas is still here. Well when I went to check on them via their blog, I read this:
"Yesterday started out not to bad, but as the day went on it got worse and worse.
By about 5 o'clock the power had gone out and we were left in the dark.
The interesting thing is that not only did this storm pass outside, but through our lives as well.
I guess I should officially announce that we are expecting a baby in September.
A baby girl to be exact. And this baby girl will also have SMA."

My heart is broken for them. I've been crying since I read that. Praying for them. I don't know what I'm praying for. But I know that's what they need. I urge you to pray. Please Pray! http://www.coleman2family.blogspot.com/ here is the link to their blog. Go, read, get to know this family and their wonderful little boy. Please. Pray.

Boys Boys Boys

I'm not loose, I like to party
Let's get lost in your Ferrari
Not psychotic or dramatic
I like boys and that is that
Love it when you call me legs
In the morning buy me eggs
Watch your heart when we're together
Boys like you love me forever

Ha... I've been on this Lady Gaga, uhm well love affair I guess. I don't know why, but I love her music. She isn't the greatest singer, not the greatest lyrics, but I love them. They keep me sane.

Life is crazy. I need to find a apartment, and a roomie. Which that in itself scares me. I want it to be someone I know. But reality, and being in college says it may have to be some random mary off the street. I'm asking my friend Teal first. But I'm thinking she will want to stay home one more year!

Wookie is being a fiasco! He is getting into EVERYTHING! I don't know how many times I've had to tell him to get off the table. He keeps getting candy bars outta the bowl and walking around with them hanging out of his mouth, its funny, but if he got one open it would be a big no no.

I had a big scare on friday. he was throwing up when I woke up, then again in the car when we were taking mom to work. And he wouldnt do anything but lay there. So I called the vet. Got the last appointment of the day. He laid on my lap ALL day. He wouldn't drink anything I was a wreck. But of course we get to the vet and he is ready to play, and tried to eat everything he could find on the floor. I felt like a idiot. But by the time they finally called us back he had calmed down a little and wasn't so crazy. We sat in the waiting room for almost 2 hours. It was awful. You think sitting in waiting rooms with toddlers is bad? Try it with a hyper puppy!!!! It was awful. Luckily it wasn't busy. Only one or two others waiting to pick up their animals... He freaked out when they had to take his temperature though. Made me giggle inside. I just kept thinking yeah try having fingers... Not fun. But he responded really well to me telling him it was okay. Made me shiney inside. For some reason I feel lik I've already mentioned this... If so... Sorry, I'm a bit nutty.

Well it's after 130am. But I don't have anymore finals until next week.... But I should still get to bed. Night

Not Just a Nightmare

"There he is, watching me through the window. Smiling, oh that smile, so warm inviting with the evilness underneath. Holding that stupid knife. I hate that stupid knife. Wookie starts barking. I casually look over. At first glance it's fine. But then I realize, It's him, he's back. I start to scream. I try to run. I can't. He just stares at me. Suddenly my feet are moving, I can't control them. Forward I go. Towards the door. I'm screaming "no stop"!! Wookie is barking. biting at my pants. I reach the door. I'm reaching for the lock. I can't stop myself! No I scream... But I don't listen I unlock the door. He bursts in. Lunging towards me with the knife. I scream."

Then I awoke. In so much pain I could hardly move. My mouth was full of blood. Tears streaming down my face. My pillow soaked.

I can't handle these nightmares. They seem to be getting worse. I was up the rest of the night after this. Partly because everytime I closed my eyes I could see his stupid face, partly because my face was killing me. Yes, I have a battle scar for this stupid nightmare. I bit my lip apparently. Not just a little, I have a sore about the size of a quarter. The swelling is finally going down. This all happened Wednesday night. Hardly slept since. When I have it's been in my chair with Wookie on my lap. Not been able to eat much. Had a lot of bananas. Some noodles. Which I'm thinking I should have some now.

Another thing... We went out last night. To have a nice family dinner... We wanted Chinese... We know that the food isn't worth the trouble, but we went anyway. So there we are at a place called Hunan Garden. It looks like a scene out of an 80's movie. But it's Evanston... SO really what do you expect? (the other chinese place was closed for a long time. The got in trouble with the health department... For serving seagull... Can you say gross? Small town USA?) It's run by a little chinese lady, the Hunan GArden that is. SHe is crazy. We call her the Chinese Nazi. Seriously, it's so fitting it's crazy... She's been in jail recently for credit card fraud... Small town USA? Every year she has to go to china to renew her visa... Yeah... She doesn't speak much english. I'm not sure she knows how to smile. Well back to the story, We went. Got there around 6pm. The four of us. Ordered around 630pm... Sat and sat.... Then sat some more.... Then around 730pm she's brings us 2 of our 5 dishes. Okay... We start eating, we're hungry.... Well They were room temperature. Yuck!! Finally after about 15 minutes we get the rest of our food. The fried rice had veggies in it... It never has veggies in it. Gross. Not okay. SO one dish out. We don't complain though. We didn't say we didn't want veggies in it... Well my mom wanted chow mein. Personally, I don't love it.But whatever. So my mom is eating this chow mein she got making the weirdest faces... ??? .... Taste this she says, I think it tastes odd. So I put some on my plate. Take a bite. Chew for a minute. Spit that nasty stuff out. Seriously it was rotten. Or something. Not okay. So we get the Nazi over to our table, and the uhm, Drink getter/table cleaner, we say it's bad we don't want it. the drink getter/table cleaner picks it up. The Nazi take it from her and puts it back on our table and says "na ee righ" The DG/TC picks it back up explaining once again that we DON'T want the nasty food. Nazi takes it, puts it back on the table saying "na lee ee here ee righ." This went back and forth a few more times. My mom got fed up. We left. I dry heaved for a good 2 hours after that. And nothing has sat well with my stomach today. Stupid Nazi. Stupid food. Stupid dream. Okay. I'm gonna eat and head to bed. Hoping to make it to church tomorrow...