Thursday, May 20, 2010

Forgetting the Days.

I looked and realized I hadn't blogged in nearly two weeks. Not because I haven't had anything to say. Oh boy, dead wrong. But because I've been in this funk. Not a good funk either. I cry, a lot. Being with most anyone is really hard. I rarely sleep, when I do I have awful nightmares. So why try? Eating, well it comes and goes. I've written a few half posts. But they never seem just right, you know? The words I want to say. Well they aren't nice. They aren't what people want to hear. They aren't what I want to think. Truthfully, I'm at the end of my rope. I don't think I can come back for letting go again, if it happens. This morning, I was in tears, because my mom put my head band somewhere and doesn't remember where. Okay, rationally I could say to my self, Gabby, it's just a headband you can make a new one. But my head just wasn't having it. I wanted my headband. It's a comfort to me. I have 2 different ones that I've made and I wear one everyday. I'm so stuck together with duck tape right now, that when something isn't the "right" way, I fall apart. Which brings me back to my funk. Well, this funk is caused by my mom, and my nephews. They(my nephews) are walking all over me and my mom doesn't do jack about it. Then when I punish them, she gets mad at me. Okay, this isn't working for me. I tend to buy a lot of candy. Candy that I have no problem sharing. But, I do have a problem with little hands stealing it. Stealing is wrong. They have been stealing from me constantly for about a year now. Finally, in January, when they took my cell phone, my mom said I could take their DS's. They became mine to do what I pleased with. Well I decided to let them earn them back. If they didn't steal for a month, from me, they could have them back. They did this. Then they got it for one day a week for every week they didn't steal. If they did steal, they became grounded for 1 week and had to start all over with the week=day thing. Fair right? Well, they stole a bunch of my candy. If they would have asked for it, they could have had it, but they stole it, so I stuck to the agreement from the beginning. The lost their DS's. I was giving them a lecture. Not even yelling. Explaining again that stealing was wrong. That if they kept it up I was gonna sell their DS's to pay for the candy they were eating, AND they would get a spanking. Well, this, for some reason, pissed my mom off. Right after I was leaving for Church, asked her to grab Wookie so he didn't run out with me. She tell Zane to put him in his kennel. Uhm, WHAT!?!?!?!? No sorry we aren't gonna do this. I left called my sister to go pick him up and didn't come home until after she went to bed. I'm so done. Really, I can't take anymore of this. She is was texting my sister saying the reason I wouldn't come home and talk to her was because I knew she was disappointed in me. Oh, really. What exactly is it that I did that was so awful mom? Did I not clean up Wookies toys? Leave clothes on the bathroom floor? Or is it that I worked my butt off this last semester trying to pass all my classes? Is it the A's and B's that disappoint her? Or the one D? Well, Guess what? I DON'T care. I'm not doing ANYTHING wrong. Really. I don't strive for her approval. I'm not a politician, I strive for no MANS approval. I do however strive for Gods approval. And guess what? He isn't worried about me not picking up Wookies toys for the 10th time today!!! I was very upset yesterday, for more reasons then all of this. But that's a whole nother post. I left. Didn't know where to go. I just drove. I found myself in the neighborhood I grew up in. Then I parked at the park. Sat there and cried for at least an hour. Where it that freckled face girl that used to smile while swinging with her bestie Rebekah, on the left swing. Where is the laughter that used to fill those streets? Where is the time? I feel robbed. I don't remember most of it. I don't remember most anything anymore. It's not fair. It's not fair. IT'S NOT FAIR.

There is SO much more to this. But it's so late. I don't want her to see the light on and come downstairs. No. Dead wrong. I'll try to post more tomorrow. As the story of my life develops.

1 comment:

Nicole said...

Gabby I hope you are talking to someone. Im concerned about the nightmares, the chronic pain and the eating. Im concerned becuase what if all of it is becuase of depression? it can affect your health...u need to talk to a consellor, psychologist,minister, SOMEONE. PLEASE.