Wrong.

No matter what I do, it's wrong. 
No matter what I say, it's wrong. 
No matter how I feel, it's wrong. 
When did it become anyone else's business? 
When do I get my life back? 
When can I finally stop hurting so much? 
I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of being told one thing and shown another. I hate being lied to. I'm so emotionally fragile right now and I don't understand why people have to purposefully make things harder on me. It's one thing when they don't know what's going on. It's another when they do. 


I'm sorry that I'm not perfect. 
I'm sorry that I'm not who you think I should be. 
I'm sorry that I've put everyone through so much stress all these years. 
I'm sorry that all I can give is never good enough. 
I'm sorry that all I can be is never good enough
I'm sorry really, I am. 


I'm hurting tonight. I just want to go hide. So hide I shall do. 

Take a Number!!!!

I have had so many meltdowns today it isn't even funny. I sometimes feel bad for the people who have to listen to my little rants that usually go along with this type of meltdowns. However, the people who call me yelling at me for not doing anything wrong and unleash the dinosaur. Yeah, no pity for them. Really, if you have a concern about the way I am living my life please CALMLY talk to me about it. Calling me and yelling at me for hanging out with a person who YOU don't exactly like, probably... Most definitely WON'T get you far. Just a forewarning. It may or may not get you on a quick trip into your place in my life and how much your opinion about  it or really anything else doesn't matter when you are treating me like dirt. AND if you happen to do it on a day that has already been crappy, during a week that has been even crappier... You might not be as relieved to yell at me as you thought. So  check yourself before you talk to me right now. I've had so much going on that I can hardly function mentally/emotionally and I don't need the people closest to me making everything that much harder. Take a number and wait your turn. But it might take awhile to get there because right now I need it to not be anyone's turn. And then I need a turn to deal with myself. Because I'm useless as is and I need to heal. I have to heal. I have to get to that point where everyday isn't a struggle. Where everything isn't just part of the routine. I don't want to be a robot. I don't want to spend life just going through the motions. I have to break out of this.

So tonight I'm stressed. Maybe. Possibly. Probably. Likely. No Comment. To the point where I have hives. It's just ducky.

So there you  have it. Keep paddling. We'll get there. I eat chocolate while you paddle. That way, uh, I don't feel up to a good story.
There may or may not be a smoothie all over the window at a drive thru due to T tonight. I may or may not have choked on my fry when she missed the trash when she threw the cup from the car and then laughed even harder when she tried to drive off but had put the car in reverse. . .

So even though some people have "pushed one too far button". I'm not depressed. I'm not wallowing in self pity. I'm just having a really, really hard time right now. Don't judge me for that.

Words to Speak.

Lyrics to Give Me Words To Speak :

Calloused and bruised
dazed and confused 
My Spirit is left wanting something more 
Than my selfish hopes
and my selfish dreams 
I'm lying with my face down to the floor 
I'm crying out for more (crying out for more)

Chorus: 
Give me Words to speak 
Don't let my Spirit sleep 
Cause I can't think of anything worth saying 
But I know that I owe You my life 
So give me Words to speak 
Don't let my Spirit sleep 

Every night, every day
I find that I have nothing left to say 
So I stand here in silence awaiting Your guidance 
I'm wanting only Your voice to be heard 
Let them be Your Words 
Let them be Your words

(chorus)

I just don't understand this life that I've been living
I just don't understand (x2) 
I just don't understand these lies I've been believing
I just don't understand (x2)

(chorus x2)

I know that I owe you my life
Owe my life
Owe my life

Dangerously Close

My problems aren't the end of the world. 
They maybe aren't as easy as some people seem to think. 
They might not matter to everyone, but they need to matter to me. 
I'm all about fighting for you. I will stand behind someone through just about anything. But I lost that zeal towards my own problems awhile back. I need to find that again. It's not that I think that they are so hard there is no possible way through them. Because I know, I really do know that everything is only going to make me stronger in the end . I just am so completely overwhelmed right now that I can't even think straight. As somebody very wise put it today, I am dangerously close to my breaking point. I hardly said anything about the mess I feel inside. And she can see how close I am. I'm not the type of person to share my feelings. I'm not someone who cries much especially not in front of other people. But lately, it's been water work central over here in my brain. Which only gets me annoyed with myself. 
I can't fix the world. I can try but I will only end up frustrated out of my skull. Like I always am finding myself, I never learn. I can't change the past. I might want to. I might fantasize on what things might look like if I could. Where would I be today? What things would be different in my life. And it's honestly a scary thought for me. There are so many people in my life that wouldn't be there had I not gone through all the stuff that I went through. But I Can't honestly say that it makes it all hunky doory. I get frustrated with myself so easily. I feel like sometimes that's all I do. I hate that I don't rationally deal with things all the time. That because I now know all these great people I should somehow find a way to be okay with all he did. But at the same time, I know that that isn't how the brain works. You can't just write off a trauma. But still I find myself frustrated. 
The mess of emotions going on inside of my body right now is seriously ridiculous. I half the time don't know how to express what I'm feeling. I all the time am on the edge of sobbing. I feel like I have to hold myself together so tightly because if I let one piece slip I'm going to fall into a puddle of goo. Worthless goo. I really don't want to have to try to clean up that mess. SO Instead I hold myself together and become this mold of worthless goo because I'm so on edge that I know I can't be helpful to anyone. Yes, I can cook. I can clean. I can hold the baby. Take the dog outside and feel around her stomach find her bladder and make her pee(no joke there, long story). But I really don't feel helpful. No one will remember those things when I'm gone. No one looks up to me wanting to be this robot I'm becoming. I want to inspire people, not bring a dark cloud into the room. Which is what I feel like I do. 
I feel like the weakest person on the planet. There is so much that I'm afraid of. I feel good when I can make it through a 5 minute trip to the store without a panic attack. And then I look and see everything everyone else handles and they seem to handle it with such a good spirit. Yeah they might have moments. But it's not an every moment mess. I'm tired of my every moment mess. I'm tired of having to remember to smile. I hate having to work myself up to do the things that should just be a natural part of life. Like I said. I'm always frustrated with myself. 
I don't so much feel like I have to prove to the world that I am strong. More so I feel like I need to prove it to myself. Like I have to convince myself. Just like I work so had to make myself believe I'm not angry. Or sad. I don't want to be those things, so I'm not gonna believe it. I want to be strong. So I'm gonna do things that may just tear me to shreds inside just because I want to be a stronger person. And sometimes, I think I do them just to feel something. Like today, I honestly did not expect myself to have that strong of a reaction. I did not expect to end up sobbing needing L to bring me back to earth. I thought I could get through it again, that even though I knew it was going to hurt me I could do it. But, I couldn't. If I'm completely honest, (which I usually am because I really stink at lying) it took me a good 30+ minutes of sitting on the floor only listening to the video before I finally let myself go to L. His stupid face panics me. His stupid voice panics me. Everything about him just panics me. I'm fed up with myself for that. 
I think that sometimes if I took myself out of the equation that I would do a lot better, like when told to "take a deep breath" I not only immediately get triggered I get mad at myself for it so then it takes me even longer to pull myself out of it. 
I am currently in this boat without a paddle. Because everytime I either catch up to my paddle or find a new one something happens or somebody(myself included) takes it and throws the silly thing. But, I'm lucky enough to have a few marvelous people willing to jump in next to me and paddle for me. Just until I get my paddle again. 
See I'm not all dark and scary. 
I think the best way to describe me right now is:
Every one starts out a blank sheet of paper, though I think I was more of a coloring page, probably a zebra or a bunny... Maybe a dinosaur. Well on my page instead of the normal life colorings it's like a permanent marker was taken an used to scribble all over it. And then I was handed off to the other Drs who did their best to reshape the colorings into something that would work again. But you can only color on top, and the damage can't be taken away. It's there. All the time. And it really sucks. But, nevertheless the sooner I go to bed the sooner I can wake to a new day. Even though I already know the nightmares are going to be miserable tonight. Absolutely just miserable. And people wonder why I never sleep. Pst. Though, last nights did start with me making mashed potatoes on the couch with my straightener. It ended with... Uh, well lets not revel just how crazy I am, tonight.... 

Nothingness.

(Some of my friends and me with our Pastors wife at a Church meeting in Tucson the end of  December)

I really don't have much to say tonight. Mainly because I'm completely exhausted. I think the swim lessons wear me out more than they do him! :) I could probably pull out something to rant on about but instead I will just say that I'm still here. And this is my attempt to not fall back out of my bloggy world. Even if all I post is a random picture. Though, I do really like it! I did find out today that I have gained weight! Which is good. It was just a lot rather quickly, so I'm a little skeptical that it won't last. . . Or a lot. I also got the urge to get back on the elliptical today. I was doing awesome Nov/Dec for some time before I fell and injured my knee ice skating. I could do about 15 minutes back then. Which was up for my starting 5. Well today. Uh. I wasn't even close. I felt horrible. I need to get back in shape desperately! I think I will go ice skating tomorrow, now that my knee is healed! :P

Hinds' Feet in High Places.

I just finished this book, Hinds' Feet in High Places By Hannah Hurnard. It was one of the best books I've ever read! It's about the journey to high places and everything we have to go through to get there. It puts so much of life into perspective, at least it did for me. It helped me understand the importance of going through the valleys of life. And all the different alters we need to build. It really made me understand the role the Pastor plays in ones life and how important a relationship with him and his wife is. Everyone has been telling me this and I really didn't understand it until I read this book. There was so much in there that I struggle with on a daily basis. Most everything in there I have struggled with at some point. God knows we aren't perfect. If we were we would be HIM. HE knows we will fall. HE even expects it. HE just wants us to call on HIM when we do. HE will come. There is no where we can fall, nothing we can do that HE can't reach down and pick us back up again. It was just a purely awesome book. And written in such a way that made it interesting to read. I could completely replay the book right here, but I think you should read it for yourself. I highly highly recommend it! 


I've discovered a love for Twizzlers. The Strawberry kind of course. I found some that are 16in long!! Yummy yummy. I Have just sat and ate them any time I sit near them lately. Just finished the last one. Bummer too. They were tasty. Even the cat thought so. He tore the bag open when I left it for like 2 seconds the other day. 


I need prayer. I've been struggling a lot lately. While that book did help tremendously, it only helped me understand the struggles and why I have to go through them. It didn't take them away. It's been a long couple of days. Like the kind of long where you take a shower just to have a moment by yourself to gather your thoughts and pray, by the end of it you are actually in a pretty good mood but as soon as you step out of the shower you slip of the freezing cold floor and reality all comes crashing back down with you. It's like from the second I open my eyes every morning I'm in the middle of a gruesome battle. Which I'm just in that valley right now, I'll get through it. It is just taking it's toll on me. Not sleeping much isn't helping either. I got 4 hours Sunday night and that was double or more what I had gotten for over 10 days straight. Last night I had no such luck. But again, just part of the valley. 


I started swim lessons with the 3 year old today. I'm really not sure who it wears out more. But, nonetheless it was fun and will be a good bonding experience. And hey who doesn't love a free visit to the hot tub? :) 

Find Me Again.

Posting 2 days in a row. Wow wow wow. Odd for me lately. But I'm so ready for new patterns, so maybe its a good thing. I've been in a rough patch lately. It's been hard on my. Wearing me down completely. I feel like a failure. I suppose maybe because I am. I fail every day. But this, this was different. But I will get through it by the power of Jesus name. I just need everyone to not give up on me. Because if anyone else jumps ship, I won't be able to do this. All I need is God. But, God made Adam because HE was lonely. God made Eve because Adam was lonely. We need each other. God knows that. That is how God designed us. In the image of HIM And through HIM alone can I make it through this. I just need to know that while I'm fighting this battle that there are still supports there that love me. I just need to be loved through this. So please. Pray for me. I desperately need it. 


Okay, Now that that has been said. Lets move on to something different. . . .  Uhm. Well I'm still a Nanny. And I still love it. It is extremely hard emotionally right now. With the whole baby thing. But, I again will get through it. I know you all are probably a bit confuse on that. Because I haven't posted anything on it. But, I think I'm ready. I found out a few months ago it will be very hard for me to every get pregnant. They don't know that it is even possible. As hard as that is to hear, I know God has HIS hand in all of this. But, it still breaks my heart to hear. I'm doing better with it now than I was. But I still have my extremely hard days. That is another thing that needs prayer. I know know know that in the end, God has a plan for me that will be so amazing. It will be prefect. I will be blessed. But right now, on this journey, I'm hurt. Deeply hurt. It's not fair at all and I'm working really hard to accept all of it. It's no easy feat though. As I know others have gone through similar things, it gives me a slight bit of peace. It makes me feel that much less alone. I can do this. "When I don't measure up to much in this life, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ" - Forgiven. By: Sanctus Real. 




I love love love this song by Sara Groves. It is so true. 
I've done every devotional 
Been every place emotional 
Trying to hear a new word from God 
And I think it's very odd 
That while I attmept to help myself 
My Bible sits upon my shelf 
With every promise I could ever need 

CHORUS: 
And the Word was 
And the Word is 
And the Word will be 

People are getting fit for truth 
Like they're buying a new tailored suit 
Does it fit across the shoulders 
Does it fade when it get older 
We throw ideas that aren't in style 
In the Salvation Army pile 
And search for something more to meet our needs 

CHORUS 

I think it's time I rediscover 
All the ground that I have covered, 
Like seek ye first what a verse 
We are pressed but not crushed 
Perplexed but don't despair 
We are persecuted but not abandoned 
We are no longer slaves 
We are daughters and sons 
And when we are weak we are very strong 
And neither death nor life nor present 
Nor future nor depth nor height 
Can keep us from the love of Christ 
And the Word I need is the Word that was 
Who put on flesh to dwell with us 
In the beginning 

Splash Of Words.

You know, over the last year I've learned so much. I've developed a relationship with God that I never knew existed. I would never want to give it up. There is nothing more valuable than that. But does that make all I've lost in the process any less painful? No. It hurts every day how much my family doesn't like me anymore. I miss the relationship I had with my mom. I miss my mom. I miss knowing how much she cared about me. It breaks my heart to think that for some reason that decreased when I chose God. At 20 there is no time you need your mom more. Especially with everything I'm facing. And it hurts to be so alone in that part of this. It really hurts. Every time I look into the face of the new baby I nanny. His precious. Innocent face. It breaks my heart. I might never get that. I will probably never get that. That experience is another thing that has been robbed from me. ANd only God can change it. I've only been able to hold the new baby a few times because it hurts me so much. And not many people understand it. My mother makes that pain about her. Like somehow it could hurt her more than it hurts me. 


I've learned so much about me. I've learned just how strong I am NOT. I fail God daily. I oh too often forget that all I have to do is call on HIS name and HE will fight for me, HE wants to fight for me. My way never works. HIS way always will. But I'm human. And I'm stubborn. So I forget. 


I've learned that most people don't stick around for long. As soon as they really get to know me. They run. Like there is something wrong with me. I'm not perfect. I know it. Oh, how deeply I know it. But, sometimes people don't even have to say it to let me know how worthless they think I am. How much I don't mean to them because I don't fit in the perfect mold that they expected. 


I've learned I can only depend on God. I can't even depend on myself anymore. I will only let myself down. I am my own worst enemy. My own worst critic. My own worst fear. I hide my pain with sarcasm. I don't like to let others see me hurt. I'm one of the most sensitive people on the planet. And you would never know it just be spending time with me. I might have a smile on my face 95% of the time. But on the inside I'm crying. I'm damaged goods. God is still working on me. I'm still learning to let Him heal me. 


My best friend has jumped ship. It hurts. Oh. It hurts. In a world like mine, losing someone like that is hard. Yeah, she might come back around. But it will never be the same. She has moved on. She has found a guy and that is all she cares about. She didn't even tell me. Because she didn't want to "hurt my feelings" Uh... well it wouldn't have. But not telling me most definitely did. Of course there were other things that happened. I finally just had to stop. I fought for the friendship for so long. And I couldn't do it any longer. It's not a friendship if only one side is putting in the effort and that is what it became. Anytime I would try to mend it. It would become a massive fight and I'd end up hurt even more. I miss her like crazy. I don't know what to do. 


I've never felt more alone in my life. 
I can't scream that I need help any louder. I don't think I have the energy to scream anymore at all. 


I'm tired of opening up to people to have them be too busy when I really need them. I can't take anymore. I'm on such an emotional roller coaster that I don't know if it's ever going to stop or even slow down. I'm getting tired though. Really tired. I'm already falling to pieces. I'm trying to get back up, but then somebody shoves me back down. 


I'm tired of never belonging. Never really fitting in. Never being understood. Always feeling invisible. Everywhere I go this is how things are. I'm tired of being made to feel worthless. Like there is always something more important. Sometimes things are more important. But other times. All I really need is to know that I really am loved. Because I don't always feel it. Especially right now. 


I'm going to try and start posting more... I know I've said it before. I have so much I need to put on here. I'm just having an extremely hard time with most of it. But, I will get there. Even if i can just start with once a week. And then slowly move back up to where I was. Because it's most definitely not because I don't have things to talk about. I just don't always know how to say them or how much to share. But, I'm done being superficial. I'm going to be real. Here like I always have been and everywhere else. Because I shouldn't have to be someone else to be loved. I shouldn't have to. 


This song has been playing in my head for a few days. 
When the stars came crashing down
In tiny pieces to the ground
I was all alone down here
Trapped beneath the atmosphere
Then I, thought somebody called my name
I spun around and caught a flame
I gave into a God I didn't know
And now everything is falling into place
A brand new life is calling and I owe it all to grace

It's so much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone to see
When we sttumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa

When a heart is cold as ice
You can't melt it with advice
No one wants to listen to
A list of things they shouldn't do
So I build a city on a hill
And I light a candle on the sill
Knowing you'll be always knocking at the door
Oh God I just want to love on everyone
All I have is yours to give so let the people come

It's so much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone to see
When we stumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light

that makes the shadows hide
the light that breaks the curse of pride
the light that takes the weary in it's arms

When it all came crashing down
There was only darkness all around
But in the distance I could see
A Flame

It's So much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone, and I mean everyone to see
When we stumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light!!