My poor car!!!

Okay I'm feeling pretty stupid tonight... Sunday I enjoyed one of the simply joys in life... Playing in the mud! It was so much fun!! A couple of my friends went with me and we decided to go mud bogging in my car. Its a 95 chevy lumina... It was no such a good idea. We got stuck... ANd I mean really stuck... Some nice people (after spraying us with mud) called some guys and they used there trucks to pull us out. WOW it was awful. Afterwards, there was a wire hanging out from under my engine haha ccouldn't figure out what it went to so it still isn't plugged in. My car was so very muddy inside and out so we took it to wash it. We ended up just spraying out the floors it worked really well until I started noticing a smell in my car. I thought it was from some sausage the was left in there by accident, I found it and removed it but I still smelt! My friend came to smell it and lifted the passenger floor mat and oh goodness!!! MOLD.... EWW!!!! And me being me, I can't handle smelly stuff so I bleached it!! I also need a new belt in the engine. So I have learned to NEVER take my car mud bogging again. Anyone have any stories they'd like to share about stupid things they've done to their cars?? Leave me a comment! Whew. Okay moving on. A friend of the family had a baby today. A little Girl named her Daphne. SHe is so precious. I spent most of the day in labor and delivery, that was okay, no bad memories there. But tonight when I went to visit her in the Maternity wing I had to walk through the floor and Oh GOodness I melted down. It was so hard to be there, I've only been in that part of the hospital 1 since all the stuff happen last summer and that was with my mom! Today i was all alone. Awful. I think I might take a bath!! *Gabby

short...

I went to the Doctor yesterday and I've gained 5lbs in 10 days. WOW that's alot. But they haven't changed to TPN yet:(.... I have to take more calories by mouth... As I'm ready that is. I got my graduation dress yesterday! I'm so excited. *Gabby

DONE!!!

I got the results from my LAST test today and... I PASSED that means I'm finished with high school YIPPY. Its almost ten I just got home from having pizza in the park with the twins and a friend. I was Textiing Troy, and told him I missed him and he said WHY. Uhm I didn't know I needed a reason to miss him. But apperantly I do! Which got me thinking, what did he expect my answer to be? Does he think I need him here to have someone to have sex with? Because I don't. Not because I'm having sex with someone else, because I don't want to have sex. Is that to much information? Hmm that's okay. He has not told me he misses me yet, I'm not sure what to think about that. My mom is still out. I have to be to let the dogs I'm watching out in like a half hour. I really don't care for dogs. I was attacked more then once as a child and they just don't thrill me. Blah well maybe I'll take a nice hot bath before I go to let them out. That sounds good. *Gabby

waiting

I don't really have much to post about tonight. My head is all mixed up. My heart just wants things to be good again. My body is screaming at me. I took my last G.E.D. test tonight. I'll find out tomorrow if I passed. I think I did. It was science. Not necessarily good at science but not bad. Still haven't heard from my sister and I'm just getting angrier and angrier with every unanswered attempt to find out whats going on. I'm bad about jumping to conclusions, it could be a very reasonable excuse to why she isn't talking to me like she dropped her phone in the ocean and in the attempt to retrieve it she hit her head and has been in a coma ever since. Makes sense right? She doesn't live anywhere near the ocean but it could happen. I'm almost to the point of just giving up. She obviously doesn't care so why should I? Blah, now that I'm all upset again I'm going to bed. Goodnight *Gabby

Hello Wall.

I'm only human. I feel emotions no matter how hard I try not to. I can't do everything. And I'm angrybecause of that. Not with God for it's not his fault, with myself, and with my life. I don't like to be sad. I'm not a bitter person. I don't fight with people just for fun. I hold my ground, but don't let it carry on. I've been hurt by people I "trusted" before, why is this so different? Honestly I don't know. I've only known my oldest sister about a year and a half. In that time I grew very close to her. But right around the time I got sick, she disappeared. Great sister right? We started alking again the end of Feburary, on the terms if I did something to upset her she would tell me, not just stop talking to me. Well here I am feeling stupid for trusting her. SHe turned out to be just like my dad. Can't keep her promises, If there is no room for me in her life thats fine moving on. I don't want her to think its okay to be my sister just when she has time for it. That isn't how family works. I'm upset right now. Trying to refrain for calling her and losing it.... *Gabby

Three?

Sorry had some trouble getting this post up. Third post in one day. Wow. That's unusual! I'm sitting in bed aching inside and out. Why? I don't know. I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm hurting, and I'm angry. I'm sad because I'm not he only one aching tonight. May not be for the same reasons but it still hurts everyone in their own way. I'm frustrated because I can't fix it. I can try, but in the end there will be hurt in my life until God calls me to heaven. I'm hurting because I metabolize pain medicine so fast and because of my size I can't take much. I'm angry because I don't like me, I don't like life. I don't like to feel emotion. I don't want to be 1000 miles away from my boy friend. I want things to go my way all the time. Unreasonable? Yes very. But honest.





That curling up and crying thing is sounding very good right now. The day has been very long. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to be awake. In all honesty, I don't want to be at all right now. Selfish? Yes very. But honest





Kids got home from school, I was hoping for a quiet evening of playing outside in the lovely weather. No such luck. One of the boys had a referral. No good. SO instead We spent the time inside writing lines until it was time to make dinner.





After making dinner tonight, I was just bout exhausted. I was hoping for a nice quiet dinner. Just me and the kids. No such luck. About half way through. I told the boys to eat their spinach. WOW you would have thought I Was beating one of them. He was on the ground screaming, okay if you're two maybe just maybe I would put up with it. But NINE no way. I stood him up and proceeded to feed him his spinach while video taping his fit. After about 15 minutes of him screaming while eating his spinach, I gave him another scoop. Just because I'm nice. Sent the video to my mom who was at work still. When she got home he was still throwing the fit but as soon as she walked through the door he was quiet, She said eat your spinach within 1 minute it was gone. AHHH really? Is that how it going to be? GRR





Now I'm just done. I don't want to put up with anything more.





I want Troy he with me RIGHT NOW. Days like today make me miss him SO much more. I think tonight instead of sleeping I'm going to watch a sad movie and clean my room. And eat some radishes. That will make it better right? I am having internet problem but hope to be online most of the night. If you have any questions ask away *Gabby

Pants.

I am up out of bed showered and groomed. But when I went to get dressed the strangest thing happened. My pants didn't fit! When you weigh under 100 lbs Its very odd to put something on tha is too tight. Most things are too big. Weight gain is what I've been asking for prayer for. But seriously, who wants to gain weight? If I didn't have to I wouldn't. When I was under 90 lbs back in December, then I didn't mind gaining weight. But right now I'm fine. Through the whole medical journey I've lost close to 40lbs some of that I gained back. So the point? I've gain 4lbs. Thankyou for your prayers. *Gabby

Morning

I'm not a morning person, never have been. I would much prefer to sleep tell noon. Or not get out of bed at all. Not because I'm lazy. More because there isn't much point in getting out of bed. I do though, I get up, and do what needs done. Or nothing at all. Today I'm going to get more pictures done... My mom doesn't like the other ones. I do do things, more things then I would like. This morning I woke up in an awful mood. I don't really know why. I slept more last night then I have in a long time. I just don't feel happy today. I want to be happy. I'm just not. I know I just need to get over it. But right now that's not going to happen. I'm going to be sad and grumpy because that's how I feel. I don't want to put on my fake smile and go out and live anymore. I want to curl up and cry. But I'm not one to cry very often so I'm not going to. I'm going to shower, and put on the smile and go out. Eventually that smile will be real. Right? But until then. Do i just pretend for everyone else? My oldest sister top talking to me for like six months last year because "I'm too negative" Can you say ouch. AM I a different person now? Yes. More positive? Nope. I just pretend to always be so happy while talking to her. You shouldn't have to do that with people who claim to love you especially not family. I've only known that sister since Jan 08. My family is messed up. I've never met anyone from my fathers side.... Okay I'm done for the moment. Now if the tpn would hurry up and finish I would put the smile on and start my day. *Gabby

Okay, This is a LOT of pictures I know. But I like them all and couldn't pick just a few. This is only about half of what was taken... If that, the others don't make me happy and won't be making an appearence.














Okay, okay I'm done posting pictures of me! My friend did a wonderfu job, did she not? I lov the one with the ant in the flower!! *Gabby

>-v-<

Ah it was a long weekend.... Friday I had Appointments ALL day. Saturday I had my pictures done(I'll try to post some). Sunday I had church my bils birthday party, church again then fellowship. The went and did more pictures because my mom didn't like the first ones. Now today I'm whiped out. I have pt in 2 hours. Doesn't sound fun. Not really much going on medically, I have nausea whenver I eat doesn't matter what I eat. My back is still killing me, though it's not kidney stones. And I'm just chillin' right now waiting for my TPN to finish...... *Gabby

Passed

AHH... I passed! I only have 1 more test next week and it science. Wow. I can do tthis, I am doing this. I got a wonderful blessing this morning, I made a mistake on my taxes. How is that a blessing you ask, WELL... I'm getting three HUNDRED more then expected. How do you make a mistake like tthat on such an easy tax form? Don't ask me! But I'm thankful, very thankful. Not working has taken its toll. But God has supplied.

Its May 14, which means that Saturday is the 16. It's going to be a very hard day for me. It marks one year since I last talked to my Father. He is a very touchy subject for me. He lleft when I was little and we never have had a relatonship. More on that in a different post.

I must go take the kids to the doctor.

*Gabby

Nervous

I'm headed to the college to get my test scores and I'm very nervous. I passed all the pre tests with flying colors but didn't do as well on one of the first two real tests. Still passed. I haven't actually done any schooling since I was 15. Be here you can't get you GED tell your 17. I had planned on getting it last summer but spent it in the hospital. Oh and I think I have kidney stones again. Yay me right. I had them last time I was on tpn and it feels just the same. So please pray for me in both of those areas. *Gabby

Gone

Sorry had some problems with getting all on the blog. trying again.


I sit here tonight, in this room, by myself, thinking about life. Everywhere I turn I hear of someone losing their job, someone losing a loved one, or someone just struggling with life. And it breaks my heart, I hurt tonight, they hurt tonight. And I can't do anything about it.




I don't know if I've mentioned this before but my bofriend is in the national guard. Training in texas to go to Iraq. Oh goodness how I miss him. He has been gone almost four weeks and I still have eleven months to wait for him to be back. The longing in my heart foe him this week has been almost constent. I just want he here again. To hold his hand, know he's safe.

I seem to looking at everything from this upsidedown spot and not seeing any good in anything. Thankyou so much for those of you who have left comments. I was hurting horribly yesterday and didn't know what to do and your words really did help. I've had an extra long day today, but I've managed to hold myself together. I feel hurt, sad, angry, and blessed all in one and it doesn't come out as a very pleasant emotion. I need some thinking time. Maybe I'll post more later. *Gabby

Life

I try so hard to understand it all. But I can't. I try to feel good. But I don't. And for the last year I've done so well to bury every emotion that came across me. But I'm done. I hate feeling helpless. I want to make it all better, to take the hurt away for everyone. But again I can't. I feel so horrible for all the people hurting right now. I may not know exactly what they feel, but I know how it feels to hurt. I don't cry. I can cry and would cry all the time if I let myself. But I have learned to just keep it together and not cry. But today I couldn't do it anymore. I've cried more today then I have in who knows how long. My mom and I got in a fight today, it really hurt me. She pretty much said it was my fault life is s messed up. What does one say to that, nothing, I said absolutely nothing and walked out of the room locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed for a good hour. The day just went down hill from there. I just want my life back. My job, my friends, my sanity. Its very Selfish of me but so true and I want it NOW. I'm tired of waiting of never feeling good. Of being stared at when I go anywhere. And it hurts to know that it's all because some Quack didn't have anything better to do with his time then ruin my life. WHY ME?? I should be going off to college this fall, but instead I'm staying home so that I'm close enough to my doctors and PCMC. There went MY dreams. MY plans. I know it doesn't matter what I want or plan God knows whats going to happen. But havng your whole world crushed is not a very nice feeling.I'm just exausted. I can't handle much more of this craziness. Oh and I got out of the hospital late lastnight. They have no idea whats going on or how to help me. *Gabby

Not today....

Its been a very long day here at PCMC, didn't sleep well last night, had a horrible reaction to the antibiotic, its called red mans, I so bad wanted to crawl out of my skin! The Doctor came in this morning and said we will probably be going home monday, but it really depends on the blood cultures. SInce I had such a reaction to the antibiotic last night I have to have benodryl a half hour before it everytime. That knocks me out for a couple of hours. Oh and this morning I wake up t my phone going off. It was my best friend, she has stage 2 cancer. They think they got it all though. Can I quit yet? I really don't want it to be my turn anymore. :(

Hospital

So I woke up this morning with an awful headache and no fever, so i took tylonel, within 20 minutes my temp went from 98.1 to 100.2. The home health nurse came to check me, and decided to call the Dr, she said to head to PCMC to have blood cultures so while we were getting ready for that my mom called my surgeons office and left a message. Within a couple minutes they called back and said to get down to the hospital plan on spending at least one night. SO here we are, sitting in room 3079. Thinking about ordering dinner. Depending on the infection will say if they pull the line tonight and how long we have to stay in the hospital, they will be putting a broviac line in and maybe an NJ tube. In the almost four weeks I've been on TPN I haven't gained any weight and barely maintained what I'm at. So I don't really know whats going to happen. I will post again later maybe. Gabby*

Possible infection!

So last night my PICC line started to look a bit icky, but this morning it's red and very icky and I have a slight fever. Not good! I have the first 2 tests for my GED tonight and if I miss I don't get to graduate. I'm also very tired. Which hasn't happened in awhile, normally I'm okay this time of day. So I might be getting the Broviac line sooner then later. Which would be okay because the PICC isn't allowing blood draws anymore. While needles don't bother me, I don't like them either. I bruise very easily, plus being on heprin, it just better if I don't get poked. So today I'm feeling a bit discouraged from it all, and missing my boyfriend. Thankyou for the sweet words! Gabby*

Broviac Line

Today was a long day. I had my first PT appointment this morning and my legs ache. The had to drive an hour to the doctor who agrees with the surgeons thought of putting a broviac line in my chest. Exciting right? Oh and my thumb and shoulder have been "getting stuck" its so painful! WHen it does hppen i have to use my other hand to move the joint. Its not fun! Since I'm high risk for a lot of different thing its not a good sign. I talked to my aunt and cousin for the first time in my LIFE this past weekend. It was very odd. I have a lot of family that I don't know because of my dad not being around. Well I need some ice to munch on. Gabby*

Not Me Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to http://www.mycharmingkids.net">her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week. I've decided to participate in Not Me MOnday for the first time so lets see if I can do it. While trying to get back to sleep after a middle of the night PICC line malfunction I most certainly did not see a 12in spider coming at my face and did not think it was real, fly out of bed only to hit my head while trying to turn on the light and did not realize it was only my imagination. I did NOT decide to not take my medicine just to see what would happen and did not feel absolutely miserable the next day, who in there right mind would do something like that. I did not give my two year old nephew candy for dinner because he wouldn't eat what I made, thats just silly he knows I'm the boss and never doesn't listen! Well thats all I have this week! Gabby*

The Bible verses are mis-quoted but other then that its a pretty good song.

Not okay.

People are always asking me how I am, and I always seem to reply with okay. I honestly was okay for awhile. But today I'm not okay. Tomorrow I probably will still not be okay. Maybe not for a long while. Not because God isn't good. Not because he hasn't blessed my life. Not because I don't have faith in Him. But because physically I seem to be going down hill, and mentally I'm a mess. It's not easy for anyone to be sick, but I sometimes wonder: is it from God or Satan? A child being born with a heart defect, or any other problem, is it a blessing from God or something he is allowing Satan to do? Me having these continueing problems from the quack dr, was it Gods will to make me a better person or satan being cruel? There is talk of putting a broviac line in instead of this picc line. How do feel about that? Like everytime I stand up from one of these problems I get kicked back down twice as hard. Some days I feel like just saying enough, why bother getting back on my feet, it's not worth it. I might not get to do anything this summer because of this line, I want to go to camp, to be normal, to meet my older sister, aunts and uncle for the first time. I want my last summer before being an adult to be wonderful. It can't be if I'm stuck in bed the whole time! I need everyone to understand what I'm going through, and they can't. I need my life to hold still for one seconds so I can breathe. I need people to stop leaving when I need them most. Where or who do you turn to when everyone that matters seems to have bailed? I'm at a total loss, I use to be the one to give advice now I need it. I just want me back. Please help.